The Fine Art of Failure

This came across my e-mail today and spoke to me! The Fine Art of Failure

The ego wants resolution, wants to control impermanence, wants something secure and certain to hold on to. It freezes what is actually fluid, it grasps at what is in motion, it tries to escape the beautiful truth of the fully alive nature of everything. As a result, we feel dissatisfied, haunted, threatened. We spend much of our time in a cage created by our own fear of discomfort.

 

From a friend: 

Sage leaves. They smell so clean and deep, and they are perfect for a pause. There is a small, still space inside each of us that can be tapped in the midst of turmoil. Within all the lies, heartbreak, and disaster of the outside world, there exists the promise and reassurance of impermanence. These leaves will sit on my altar until they wither, and then they will crumble and disappear. Or perhaps season a dish. Regardless, their present form is limited and already changing.

From a friend of the friend: We are impermanent. The community we belong to abides, and is full of amazing, temporal things. It changes and grows new forms. Perhaps we can and will as well. That's something to shoot for and to hope for.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever wanted to walk out the door of your home with just a few items in a duffle bag, lock the door, and never return ... at least for an indefinite, extended period of time?

We become so used to our lives, our routines, being with the people we care for, petting our dog or cat, owning the things we have. Then something like COVID 19 comes along and all of a sudden everything we know changes, the future is no longer what one hoped for, and the idea of impermanence becomes more of a reality than it ever has been. Maybe that accounts for my current feelings of wanderlust?

As we get older we get more secure in who we are, more comfortable with what we have, and dependent on those possessions; the more difficult it becomes to make big changes. We hold on for "dear life" to what we have for fear that if we let go, we may never be secure or comfortable again. Also, as we get older the feeling of time's running out gets stronger. If you are going to do something, better do it now!

I am grateful that financially I am comfortable and with my retirement pension, help from Gregory's life insurance, and with successful planning in my investments I do not have to worry about how I will pay for my life expenses.

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if I could pack a change or two of clothing, my medications, my cell phone with charger, and perhaps my iPad Pro. I would not have to let anyone know the details or whereabouts of my decision just that I was doing it, so they would not worry. I would have to make sure that my pets were cared for and that my bills would get paid. I would call my loved ones now and then to let them know how I was doing and that they should not worry about me.

With duffle bag in one hand and credit card in the other, I could take on the world. Fly to where I wanted to be, rent a room, eat out, buy whatever I might need when I might need it. For example, instead of having a medicine chest full of all kinds of remedies, if I had a cold I could go to the nearest pharmacy and buy a small box of Mucinex. If I wanted to read the next book, I could download it to my iPhone.

I could spend my days in my room away from home, thinking. Or I could go to a local museum, a library, a botanic garden, or take a hike to see natural wonders like a mountain or a waterfall. My iPhone would document what I saw and my iPad would tell my stories.

Moving on to the next site or adventure would be no problem. Whenever I felt like it, on a moment's notice to no one but myself, I would pack up the duffle bag, leave any surplus behind for whoever moved into the room after me, and after a train ride or an airplane flight, begin my next adventure.

Granted with COVID most of the above would not currently be possible but I can fantasize anyway. Will I be brave enough to embark on an unplanned, directionless adventure after COVID? Not sure. Then again I have also thought about buying or renting a "small house," deciding exactly how much would be enough to live in it and take that as my adventure in basic living.

The hope for these changes in me lies in how pared down my life currently is because of the pandemic. While I have so many luxuries around me, for which I am so grateful, my life certainly has changed in ways I never could have imagined, I continue to fill my days meaningfully, and I am happy and content.

The Noisy Quiet and Chaotic Stillness

STORIES FOR THE TIMES:

COVID 19 has brought so many changes on us so quietly and so quickly
People around the world are infected,  either getting better or dying
The harbingers of this change are invisible to the eye and all senses
So we can only imagine what the black-hooded creature looks like.

Restaurants, museums, stores, schools, churches, libraries all close
Events, conferences, music venues, plays, celebrations all turn off lights
Directly or indirectly; salaries, benefits, basic necessities are lost by many
Those who have been suffering before are suffering even more now.

Outside and in, the quiet seems to feel so much more quiet than before
The stillness seems more still than usual and cities and streets are empty
The noise around us is so quiet that it deafens us in the hearing of its roar
And the stillness so great that it frightens each of us to look at its approach.

We have come to expect that things will always be and stay the same.
We expect that nothing will change or be rearranged in our lives
But in one day, all is different and unrecognizable and incomprehensible
And change is upon us, want it, like it, or not - we never expected this.

Buddhists studies say that we should accept all around us is impermanent
Knowing that every day everything around, in front and behind us changes
Even if imperceptible to the eye or ear or nose or taste or sense of feeling
Even if changes go unwanted or unnoticed, celebrated or lamented.

From the time you woke up early very early this morning on a Monday
Everything about your physical being is no longer the same later on a Tuesday
Cells have died off, sluffed off, been rearranged or renewed by Wednesday
Organs do their job pumping, breathing, breaking down components on Thursday.

What might be the same, you think, is your attitude and your belief system
You might think the same thoughts you have always had about things and life around
Your actions and reactions follow the same triggers that you have used before
But suddenly they may no longer apply, be true, be appropriate, or be necessary.

So in this time of great change for all of us in the world, young and old
If we can change with the times it could become easier to feel the air
As we vow to change our antiquated thoughts and actions and triggers
We build a new you to reflect who you have or will become with new attitudes.

Have faith in yourself to know that it is OK where you are at and that you will grow
Have faith in your fellow humans that we will survive this and come out the other side
We will experience change and seek out the good in change and become stronger
And the world will most likely be a better place for all, because it certainly needs to be.

The quiet seems more beautiful to hear, the stillness seems more beautiful to experience
The noise seems so quiet that we can hear the birds make their music, sing their songs
The fear so great it energizes one to step up to change and recognize the gift that we have
And we will continue to tell our stories of hope, and love, and compassion, and life.

Permanence vs Impermanence

I have been thinking about this one as a part, I guess, of my continuing process of grieving Gregory's death on October 4, 2015. We are coming up on two years. Cannot believe that it feels like a lifetime ago and like yesterday at the same time.

One of Buddhism's tenets is that nothing is permanent. Everything, yes everything, is in transition. You are different people than you were when you went to sleep last night. You will be different people when you go to bed tonight than you were when you woke up this morning.

These differences, at the basic level, are due to sloughing off cells and growing new ones. These differences are based on your experiences as individuals and with others. These differences are because of what you did today, what you saw today, what you heard today, what you said today. These differences are what make life and love interesting and vital and in turn make your relationship interesting and vital.

There will be failures and there will be successes. There will be illnesses and there will be wellnesses. There will be problems and there will be solutions. There will be arguments and there will be making ups. There will be tears and there will be laughter. There will be sorrow and there will be joy.

My wish for you … dear reader ... is that you try to make sure that you change with the changes you will encounter because encounter them you will. My wish for you … see the lessons these changes teach you and the growth you encounter because of these changes. My wish for you … make sure that your love for self and others continues to grow and change,

… and my wish for you … love every day like tomorrow may never arrive!

• • •

Another tenet of Buddhism is that because we try so hard to create permanence, which we can never really do, we suffer. We suffer the changes because as a human being we want to be happy and never sad, we hope to be successful and financially stable and never fail or be poor. We suffer because we blindly hold on to those things which we know we cannot hold. We suffer the day we begin to intellectualize things as a child and realize that we love life but that we will die. Everyone we love will die.

So having been thinking about this, I came to a conclusion? understanding? new way of living and dealing with the fact that Gregory is dead? Easily stated: Go with the changes. They are what they are and the only defense you have is how you think about them and how you react to them.

If you have "good," know that you may loose it but you get "good" back again in ways you might never have imagined. If you have "bad" it will pass also. Be careful not to allow yourself to hold on to "bad" in the name of seeking permanence of any kind. You would be amazed at how many people hold onto "bad" because it is a known entity and they still are trying for permanence (which never can  be achieved.)

My first thought is that Gregory's death is the one thing that is permanent, not always changing. Not being of this physical world any longer, change is not taking place. Some things are permanent for me, like never seeing him again, never kissing him again, never being able to hold his hand. No sharing of thoughts, no discussions, no arguments, no disagreements, no talking about recent adventures.

Yet I realized that in my memories and dreams I am still able to do all of these things and often in my dreams, they are so real I can feel him! I realized that even in death there is constant impermanence. Partly because I now hold Gregory in my heart, my memory, my thoughts ... as I change so does he. 

As my memory of events we shared together are revisited they will change. As I grow to be a new person each day, my relationship to Gregory as I see it will reflect the new person that I become, so there is impermanence there as well.

Also, who is to say that in his new place Gregory is not still changing, learning, progressing towards higher levels of love, compassion, and being?

On a day when I was particularly down (should I say depressed?) dealing with some of the more difficult times during Gregory's (our) journey with Alzheimer's, I had another realization. None of the difficult memories that I have are true anymore because they no longer exist for Gregory (or for me) so why do I allow them to continue to bother me, to add a measure of guilt for not having been better, at bringing me down today?

Holding on to these difficult times memories serve no purpose, do not serve Gregory, and certainly do not serve me. So why hold on to them. Release them and work at only remembering the good, the joy, the what I call "Momentary Monumental Miracles." Remembering the good times during his 12-year journey helps. Towards the end of his illness; instances like Gregory spontaneously telling me he loved me, or thanking me and saying that I am a good person, or our laughing together, or his giving me the last kiss having been in a coma for three days; are the ones I'll hold on to. 

I can tell I am getting better at my grieving if only because I am only rarely OVERWHELMED with sorrow. Most often, I will look at his photograph and say out loud, "Gregory, I love you. What an ordeal we went through! But we made it, you and I, didn't we?"

And he replies, "Yes, we did. And we did it well!"