It's Been A While ...

Dear Gregory,

It has been a while since I stopped to think about, process, share my feelings and emotions with you (and with myself for that matter.) For some reason I have been feeling a little depressed, NOT dysfunctional, but grieving your leaving once again. Maybe the "up" feelings of being on the west coast, being in San Francisco and the excitement of the documentary and Pride celebrations; spending time with Pat, the God-Family, and renewing the friendship with Les and Irv; has caused me to be missing you more.

It just seems to be stronger in my thoughts that I am here at the condo alone and that you are dead. I haven't been hysterical or overwhelmed but feel like I could be if I let myself. So I thank my emotions and ask them to come back another day when I feel more up to dealing with them. Scenarios of difficult times float past my memory. While it is understandable, on the way back from taking out the recycling just now I found myself talking outloud in the hall saying, "I would really rather cry over thinking of the joyful times, the happy times, the good times and not be sad about the difficult times."

As Isaac so sagely put it, and it still seems to hold true, "The intensity of our twelve years living with Alzheimer's takes priority over the longevity of our forty-one years together." The fact that I cannot roll over during the night and hold you, that I cannot hold your hand or kiss you, that I can no longer nurture and take care of you, that we cannot share our experiences, travel together, share a meal; these all weigh on me.

I buy flowers for myself pretending they are for you, I buy dark chocolate for myself believing they are for you and in some ways they are. But the physicality is not the same. When I am about to off on an adventure I hear you say, "Can I come along?" So I take the little bronze bear amulet, which contains a little of you, and pop it into my pocket. I wish you a goodnight each bedtime and thank you and my Spirit Guides for a good day. But I miss you!

And each day IS a good day. I can do as much or as little as I choose. I can do what I want, when I want, with myself or with a friend. I can eat whatever I want to each at home or at a restaurant. I can watch TV programs or not according to my whim. I do not need to negotiate with ANYONE on how I want to spend my life. There is nothing in my life that I do not like or that I dread doing. Each day IS a good day, and for that I am grateful.

But you are not here with me and that colors everything. Your absence doesn't change the colors to shades of gray but they are definitely not as bright as they could be. I am working on the "what's next" in my life and that also makes me feel a little lonely. I used to say I felt lonely as you slowly lost the ability to be present for and with me but I did not really know what lonely really felt like until you, however greatly diminished in ability, died. Death is forever, grief is forever ... I did not really understand that until October 4, 2015. For those of us left, life feels like it will go on forever but a little voice in the background whispers, "No, not possible. Get your act together, life is passing."

On Writing, On Life

Interesting that it more difficult to write about interesting, fun, timely things here than it is to write about emotional, difficult, worrisome things on my Alzheimer's BLOG. Guilt plays a role in making me come here when the last post date gets too far for comfort.

"Write everyday if you want to consider yourself a writer." Sit down and write about whatever comes into your head. Use writing motivations to help you get started. Write non-stop for ten minutes about whatever you are thinking about. But that doesn't always work.

For me, writing is a way of processing my life. Understanding it. Sitting with the difficult emotions that arise and seeing what they are telling me. Laughing over the amusing funny things that happen. Wondering about what I see and perceive around me. Thinking about and planing creative ventures and projects.

I was worried about getting through the holiday season this year since it was going to be the first Christmas and New Year's that Gregory and I did not celebrate together in forty years. But then I got to thinking about what a good (relatively) place we are in today compared to the hell our life was last year BL (Before-Lieberman.)

Also, I was able to celebrate with Gregory, just in a different way. I had my meals with him in the Lieberman dining room, we opened gifts, we had a Christmas tree in his room, we watched our usual holiday videos.

So now we are in a new year, a time of resolutions, a time of plans, a time to move forward. But can I do that when in many ways I feel like I am still "on hold" with Gregory as he continues to change and decline.

I visit almost every day for an hour or two and that cheers me up. I am in the process of signing up for Hospice for him which feels empowering to be able to control that part of the future which I am able.

But when I am home I am lonely, miss him so much, and feel lethargic finding  it is easier to not face my creativity, my projects, my day to day life maintenance. Gregory is still a very large part of my life and my focus. I am happy that he is still with me and that he is content, happy, safe, well taken care of.

So you can imagine that most of my writing is directed towards my Alzheimer's BLOG.
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com .

But what about me? Maybe another year will help me feel more my new self and help me get on with life. Maybe another year will help me realize those many projects I have created for myself. Maybe I'll get back into being a Supernumerary for the opera, Ringmaster for Michael's Flea Circus, Curator of a second museum The Small, Writer, Poet, Public Speaker? Maybe I will slowly get used to my life without the old Gregory, the old relationship, the old times together.

Or maybe I'll just continue to post more often on the Alzheimer's BLOG for now and see how life unfolds for me without too much pressure, too much fear, too much regret, too much frustration, too much anger. Maybe LIFE will sneak up and before I notice, I will be the new me?