Saturday, January 9, 2016

Sitting Here

Sitting here enjoying the day. Saturday January 9, 2015 ... oops ... no 2016! Snow is falling outside and 3-5 inches is expected. It is 3:33 PM and I have yet to get out of my "jammies" and into the day's clothes. Maybe I'll not!

I love the new work area, I call it "my desk" or "my office." It feels spacious, light, and friendly. I appreciate Gregory when I sit here in what used to be his space and I feel a little guilty but then a voice whispers, "Someone's gotta use it :-)"

I continue to fine tune the organization and order of the condo. Gregory taught me how to be neat. I used to start out neat, then get lazy and leave things around, then they would pile up, then I would push them aside and leave more. Periodically I would go on my "straightening rounds." Do you catch the irony? Making ROUND into STRAIGHT? A thankless and at times hopeless job.

Gregory taught me how to be more orderly if only out of respect for our living together. He helped me develop areas of my own where I could be messy, where I could work in my style not necessarily his. And he had his areas where he could be minimalist, structured, and organized.

Slowly being organized and orderly became the comfortable way for me. It was easier to put things back where they belonged, easier to create "a space for everything to live," and easier to clean up after oneself as one went along. It really did save time, made things easier to find, and harder to loose!

People always tell me, "You are so organized!" My answer is, "I am NOT organized. I am random and spontaneous in how I live. What you see is the outward appearance of what I have to do to survive inside of my chaotic mind and world!" 

When Gregory was diagnosed with Dementia/ Alzheimer's I guess I went into high gear orderliness. It became more important for things to be in the correct place so he could find them. Our life needed to be and became more predictable in those areas we could control. Our motto more strongly (not new but more) became, "Change those things you can and don't worry about those you cannot."

As the Dementia/ Alzheimer's progressed there was less and less that we could control so I became more and more orderly. It definitely bordered on the verge of compulsive but it served both Gregory and me well!

People who visit the condo, even on a drop in basis, are always amazed at how clean and orderly it is. They comment, "Even though there are many things around on every surface, it doesn't feel cluttered or overwrought or fussy."

They comment, "You have created a warm inviting space." "It feels like people live and love here." "You have created magic." "You curate your lives." "You set up common things in a way that turns them into shrines of beauty, love, and spirituality."

Even though Gregory only lives here now in spirit with me, I still love the condo and maybe more than before. While at times I feel lonely being here myself, I enjoy the antics and love of my two cats, Gigi and Emma. I feel safe, comfortable, contented, and if I may say so, when I look around at what we created, I feel like a grown up, successful person. I feel good about my space and I feel good about me.

I miss being able to spend time and share my life with Gregory but I still have talks with him and he talks to me as well. I know he is pleased for my life, my success, and my strength. I know that he is grateful for all I did for him throughout our 41 years and especially during the last 12 since the Dementia/ Alzheimer's diagnosis. I have learned a lot from him about live and about myself. I can continue to honor our union and our love by living my life with love of self, love for others, compassion, simplicity, forgiveness, and patience for myself and for those in my life.

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