Following is the text of my presentation at the United Methodist Church Reconciliation Sunday Service.
I am pleased to be here with you today and want to thank Pastor Lisa, the Reconciling Ministries Committee, and the LaGrange First United Methodist Church Congregation for making this gathering possible. Also Thank you Pastor Bonnie.
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Before we view the documentary, I would like to tell you a little about myself, give a very brief history of Gay issues in the United States, and say a little about the disease called Alzheimer’s.
Following the documentary I will be happy to address any questions you may have.
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When I was growing up I had few friends, was bullied, and was called queer and faggot. The more gentle term Gay had not yet come into use.
Some of my unhappy youth may have been my own fault due to my lack of social skills, some may have been because I was unknowingly gay, for sure a it was because I was different from other kids and had little or no self-confidence.
Growing up, there were no gay role models, no out gay movie stars or influential people, no one to tell me that “it gets better,” no internet, no one to talk to about my feelings and fears, no parents to turn to. No teacher to advise me. No church to accept me for who I was.
My coming out as a gay man began late in college. The term Gay was just coming into fashion. Role models of older, successful gays began to surface. Being Gay was more visible but still mostly referred to as Homosexuality.
I knew I wanted a friend, someone to love, someone with whom to spend my life … but didn’t know how to go about it. I dated, had girl friends, and was almost engaged to marry. As you can imagine, I was quite conflicted.
As an adult, having accepted my homosexuality, there were now gay bars at which to meet other gays, but very few other types of gathering places, certainly not any church groups!
Even though I was old enough to be in a bar, we always had our eye over our shoulder worrying about the possibility a police raid.
Most often these raids were just excuses which allowed the police to harass gay men and women.
Bars were raided, people taken off to the police station, and fingerprinted. Charges were never made but names were published in the newspaper and often unknowing families and employers were notified and the person was fired when their sexuality was discovered.
As you can see, Homosexuality was still not widely accepted at this time. During the 70’s and 80’s
As an elementary school teacher, I led a double life never talking about my homosexual side at school, not even with colleagues in the teacher’s lounge, for fear of being found out and fired, which did happen to some men and women!
It is not assumed that every heterosexual female teacher will attack a boy or that every heterosexual male teacher will attack a girl, then why assume that for a gay teacher?
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The Stonewall Riots took place in June 1969 in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of Manhattan, New York City.
It is widely considered to constitute the single most important event leading to the gay liberation movement and the modern fight for Lesbian and Gay rights in the United States.
The rainbow flag was born as a symbol of “NEVER AGAIN” referring to the bible’s story of God promising Noah, after the 40 days of rain and flood, that he would never again destroy humanity.
The Gays used it to signify “NEVER AGAIN” will we go back into the closet and be harassed just for being who I am.
Being Gay became a “lifestyle” describing the “out - visible life” rather than the earlier “closeted - hidden life” of the homosexual.
This fostered debates about “lifestyle.” Was a person born gay or did a person choose to be gay. I believe that it is not a decision but rather a genetic makeup, but that is a story for a different time.
After Stonewall, during what is known as the Gay Liberation Era, there was a huge spit between gay men and gay woman, the women fighting to be known as "Lesbians" not "gay women."
The Lesbian community gets credit for being among the first groups to fight for equality for women in general.
The women wanted to be in charge of decisions pertaining to themselves and not have to be answerable to men in matters of health, reproduction, employment, their abilities, equal pay for equal work, and their place in the world.
By this point we were called the “Gay and Lesbian Community.”
In following years, B was added for bi-sexual and T for Transgender. In my early days we talked about Transexuals and Transvestites but now we refer to Transgender and Gender Fluidity. People who mentally and emotionally do not identify with their body’s assigned sex.
So now we were the LGBT Community.
Then “Q” was added to LGBT-Q. This can stand for two additions: for some Q is for QUEER but this time with Gays reclaiming the word with self-respect and confidence and using it in a more political manner.
For others Q is for “Questioning” meaning that some people as they grow up, need to question their sexuality and on further study, may or may not find themselves to be Gay.
The next milestone in Gay Life is not a pretty one: the beginning of HIV and AIDS. When it began it was known as the ‘Gay Disease” and thousands and thousands of people died of the disease.
Social and medical support lagged TOO far behind because of the stigma of it being a “Gay Disease.” And most people didn’t want to get involved in the controversy.
At one point, early in my relationship with Gregory, my mother-in-law actually said, “Gay people deserve to die of AIDS!” Now how Christian is that?
In her mind I guess she separated “Gay People” from her beloved son and his partner.
Over time, she grew to understand the nature of our love and kiddingly, but truly, referred to me as her “favorite daughter-in-law!
Today medical know-how is saving many lives and HIV/AIDS seems to be under control in the more developed nations.
The HIV and the AIDS are separated because HIV can most often be medically kept under control and does not develop into AIDS.
Sadly the numbers of younger people affected by HIV are increasing if only because they have not witnessed, do not understand, or do not believe the possible devastation the disease can bring.
Many third world countries continue to struggle with the disease.
Change the topic to same-sex marriage, today many countries allow marriage of same sex couples including as of July 2016; Argentina, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Colombia, Denmark … France, Iceland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Mexico, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, the United Kingdom, the United States and Uruguay. Soon Finland, the Americas, Australia and most of Europe will follow.
Although now a law of the land, same sex marriage is still a controversial subject but who would have thought we would have gotten to this place of recognizing that love … is love!
Some religious organizations bless same sex marriage, others do not.
Another LGBTQ current issue deals with … what should the signs on a public bathroom look like and who may use which restroom and under what conditions. Also controversial and also a story for another time.
While we still have a lot of work ahead of us, all of these issues … same-sex marriage, gender fluidity, HIV, AIDS … now in public view … allow for more discussions, understanding, and acceptance of individuals who are different from others and also allows for the recognition of loving families with two husbands, two wives, two mommies, or two daddies.
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This brings us to the story of Gregory, my husband of over 41 years, who I met in the late 70’s and lived with in a committed, same sex relationship before it was fashionable to talk about such things publicly.
In the 29th year of our relationship, Gregory was diagnosed with DEMENTIA, most likely ALZHEIMER’S. We walked the Dementia/Alzheimer’s path together for 12 years.
He was NOT a victim of Alzheimer’s but rather a HERO. He lived as well as possible as the disease progressed and I was able keep him safe and to support him by helping him to be free of worries, responsibilities, and fears.
I was able to create new activities which could compensate for his failing abilities. I was able to create a home where he felt safe and protected.
Our life was filled with much laughter and many tears, joy as well as sorrow. And above all, LOVE. The times were not easy, but we persevered.
Alzheimer’s is not just about failing memory, as some people believe.
It also affects the thinking process, bodily functioning, and day to day activities … which you and I take for granted … like feeding oneself, going to the bathroom, finding one’s way, recognizing a friend, or reading a book.
Gregory would forget the difference between a fork, a knife, spoon and how to use them. But Alzheimer’s is so much more than just forgetting.
Think about the skills and steps necessary in taking a drink of water. While this is automatic to you and me, it is NOT automatic to a person with Alzheimer’s Disease!
First you have to identify that you are thirsty. Then you have to understand that taking a drink of water will help satisfy that need.
Continuing you have to find a glass and fill it with water. Next you pick up the glass of water being careful not to knock it over.
You lift the glass, not so strongly so as to break the glass and cut yourself, lift it at the correct angle so as not to spill, aim it towards your mouth, get the end of the glass to your lips without hurting yourself since you can’t really see your lips, and allow just enough water to fill your mouth without dripping.
You swallow the water as you are lowering the glass back towards the table at the proper angle so it doesn’t fall over or spill.
Then you have to finish swallowing the water carefully enough so it does not go down “the wrong pipe” causing you to choke.
If it does, you need enough strength and the ability to remember how to cough the water up out of your lungs.
If you swallow incorrectly too often you can get too much water in your lungs which causes aspiration … which can lead to pneumonia … and could lead to death …
… all this for the want of being thirsty and taking a drink of water.
This is just ONE example of the breakdown of cognitive abilities which occurs with dementia and the thousands of ways in which the disease expresses itself.
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The documentary, ALZHEIMER’S: A Love Story, which you are about to see, follows Gregory and me for a week towards the end of his life.
He lived at home with me for 10+ of his 12 years living with Alzheimer’s and when I could no longer adequately provide for all of his needs, I had to move him to The Lieberman Center for Health & Rehabilitation, Memory Care Unit, in Skokie, Il.
The documentary was done in 2015 by the son of Gregory’s college roommate and best friend.
Gabe, the son, created this documentary as part of the requirements for one of his college courses in film making at Chapman Univeristy, in the Dodge School of Media Arts in Orange, California.
The message, which I believe is a beautiful one, takes Gregory and my 41 year love relationship and Gregory’s 12 years living with Alzheimer’s, and distills it into a moving 15 minute documentary.
I think you will agree as you experience the story, the same sex couple issue … and the Alzheimer’s issue … almost seem to disappear … and what emerges is a story of any two people who love each other very much and what happens to that love when any long term, catastrophic disease strikes.
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After the documentary I will be happy to address any questions you may have. Lets watch.
