On Aging

There seems to be a general, all-pervasive heaviness to my life nowadays. Is it the COVID? Is it being 75 about to become 76? Is it the continued grief at the loss of the physicality of my love Gregory? Is it the unexpected passing of my sister? Is it due to so much more past to contemplate than future available to anticipate?

The word morass comes to mind: an area of muddy or boggy ground. a complicated or confusing situation. It describes the Ying and Yang of my current life: being grateful, content, joyful, at peace vs grieving, and fearful of what my age, my health, and my future will bring. 

Gregory and I always used to talk about the "parting of the veil," that brief moment when the truth behind the daily passing of our life is shown with honesty and vigorous uncolored awareness. Those moments are the most difficult to get through but then the veil shifts back to covering those things that would prevent us from living our life today and not worrying too much about tomorrow.

Part of getting older, I believe, is that the veil seems to open itself more often and takes longer to return to protecting us from the difficult parts of living day-to-day.

I find I return to the reality for me, at 75 years of age, that there is more PAST to process than there is FUTURE to look forward to. 

The FUTURE to which we look forward becomes more uncertain and more frightening than previous FUTURES of the PAST! 

And the PRESENT with the isolation, fear, suffering, poverty, illness, deaths, and losses from COVID-19 and the STATE OF THE UNION with its divisions, hatred, lying, cheating, racism, homophobia, etc., as well as my own physical and mental changing due to the aging process; is not the most pleasant place to be right now.

With the longer history of the past, I believe we begin to forget that nothing is permanent. That the expression This Too Shall Pass applies to not only the bad, difficult times but also the wonderful, beautiful times. We become used to a certain way of living and become less flexible in our ability to bend and change. Obviously, we want to hold on to the good, but the bad will arrive whether we want it to or not, and bending and changing is really all we have available to us and they just become more painful!

So perhaps GRATITUDE for the good we do have, for our ability to be RESILIENT, for FAMILY and FRIENDS and LOVE and CARING and KINDNESS, for not so much LAMENTING the bad things but CELEBRATING the good, not wondering why things are as they are but rather working on how we think about those things is most important. 

So I learn to live with the all-pervasive heaviness to my life while at the same time appreciating the GRATITUDE, RESILIENCE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LOVE, CARING, KINDNESS TOWARDS OTHERS AND focus on CELEBRATING THE GOOD .

Problems into Possibilities

Turning Problems into Possibilities

The moment you notice it, take hold of that mental affliction with your attention and purposefully turn it into an aspiration. It’s as though you see the mental affliction as raw material, the way a potter would view clay. You don’t see clay as a problem; you see it as an opportunity to create something. —Lama Kathy Wesley, “Your Mistakes Are Progress”

I would add "physical" affliction to "mental" affliction as raw material. To address both mental and physical, I have been actively making changes in my life. It feels good to actually be doing something about something I have been unhappy about! I am not taking the clay of my life and fashioning it into the opportunity to create a new sculpture of my life.

This approach to turning problems into possibilities also means turning around your thinking. If you wake up with a painful hip, notice it and turn it into I am working on treating my body in a way that makes my hip feel healthy and whole. It means being thankful for a positive outcome as though it has already manifested, and even better knowing that it has begun!

Previously, I believe, I wrote about some of the pangs of growing older, this post is a review for myself of the changes I have made to live the positive aspects of growing older.

My painful hips, knees, rotator cuffs, neck, lower back, etc. cause me to limit my activity. On waking, my hips and lower back are so painful as to make me feel "crippled." I sit in front of my computer for too long of a time and raise stiff and sometimes in pain. Stairs have become more difficult for me to climb: up and down!

Began with a Pulmonary Doctor who thought I had COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, involving constriction of the airways and difficulty or discomfort in breathing) but all my tests came back "normal." Yet I seem more easily out of breath. Carrying groceries in from the car, to the condo, and putting them away has become a more difficult task.

My sleeping habits have become erratic again and I nap for up to an hour almost every day. My weight is stable at "TOO MUCH!" Yet I have not been enjoying my meals. Sweets, pastries, etc have always been a downfall and Christmas Treats were no different.

I will not even go into changes and minor difficulties with bathroom activities!

But enough for the NEGATIVE side of me. There is also a VERY POSITIVE aspect to my life on which I am actively working and maybe it is just in time for the New Year, 2019, although I do not believe in New Year Resolutions. Those usually fail by January 15th!

I decided that I will grow older gracefully in those areas over which I have no control but will take in hand those over which I do. So I have begun to work harder on physical limitations that do not need to be so limiting. It feels good not only to have made this decision but to have been working on it now for over one month!

1) I am now working with a personal trainer. Our sessions have been so helpful to my overall body awareness and I engage in the stretching and movement even on days when she is not here. Yesterday, we decided to have her come to the condo twice a week if only because we are making so much progress. Once we get a routine in place in the condo, she will come with me to LA Fitness (downstairs of the condo) to see what I might do there to continue the good work we do (upstairs in the condo.)

2) My Guru, Corrine, introduced me to the trainer and Corrine will be working with me to develop some Yoga and Buddhist Meditations and Practices to compliment the work of the trainer. 

Here is a "Heartfelt Desires" page I developed on Corrine's recommention:

Heartfelt Desires

PART ONE: December 15, 2018 (Gray Font)

Working with Jessica Dare (Physical Trainer) and Corinne Peterson (Yoga Teacher/Guru,) I am setting down preliminary Heartfelt Desires for my Body Awareness, Movement, and Care Practice.

These desires are made in positive statements, with gratitude and thankfulness for their already being a chosen focus of my daily life, already being part of my experience, and already seeing progress accomplished.

PART TWO: December 21, 2018 (Black Font)

The next part of the process is to take each one and imagine it were already true, right now, in this moment. How would each feel in the body of it were true?

• • • • •

I am comfortable in my body and as a 73 year old, I look and feel good in my clothing.

Feeling better about myself, enjoying shopping for exciting new clothing, am proud of how I look, look forward to “dressing up” in sport coat etc. Confident in my presence with others.

My breathing is full and deep.

Energetic, doing more, getting out on every day activities as well as special ones in nature. Fairing well in all I attempt Not avoiding activities due to fear.

My energy is high and easily available.

My health is strong and free from illness and injury.

Facing each day knowing I am OK. Not working unnecessarily about “old age.” Looking forward to spending each day productively and positively.

My body movement and stretching, walking and exercise add to my all around good health and happiness.

Exercising regularly and daily. Looking forward to the day’s movement activities. Knowing that what I do adds to my overall health and therefore the ability to do what I want and to enjoy myself and my life. Doing things now that I have not been able to do in the recent past.

My eating habits are thoughtful and I am aware of how my choices affect my Heartfelt Desires.

Feeling good about what I eat and the decisions I make. Not feeling guilty about the decisions I make and or over the ones I know I should make but do not. Feeling comfortable not bloated or stomach sick.

I allow my eating choices to be at the “comfort food” level now and then, but keep these choices as the exception and not the rule.

Giving myself permission to eat for pleasure, but now and then, not all the time. Feeling the power of being able to make good eating decisions for myself. Feeling powerful in being part of the “solution” for myself, not the problem.

My strength, cardio, and flexibility health continue to improve as I continue to pay attention to these Heartfelt Desires.

Besides living well day to day, I am making my future potential life better. I am giving my body the chance to take care of me and allowing me to live longer and better. I am more active day to day as well as over time. I am able to do things I have not been able to do. I look forward to travel: in the U.S., in Europe, and in more challenging places like Asia.

• • • • •

I get a massage every other week, again very beneficial to my overall good health feeling and am thinking of increasing it to every week. Sarah, my massage therapist of 5+ years uses Thai Massage rather than table massage.

Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotions. The recipient remains clothed during treatment. There is constant body contact between the giver and receiver, but rather than rubbing on muscles, the body is compressed, pulled, stretched and rocked.

The recipient wears loose, comfortable clothing and lies on a mat or firm mattress on the floor. The receiver will be positioned in a variety of yoga-like positions during the course of the massage, that is also combined with deep static and rhythmic pressures.

The massage generally follows designated lines in the body. The legs and feet of the giver can be used to position the body or limbs of the recipient. In other positions, hands fix the body, while the feet do the massaging. There is a standard procedure and rhythm to the massage, which the giver will adjust to fit the receiver.

3) I joined Weight Watchers and have begun to be more careful in what I choose to eat.

4) I will begin a series of acupuncture sessions, with Marc, to work on my lower back and hip problems. A number of years ago, Marc helped me work through some fairly severe Rotator Cuff problems.

5) I have been meditating every day, sometimes for a short period of time and sometimes for longer periods of time. I use my own techniques (learned from Corrine) and also use the online "headspace.com."

6) I also have been reading and continuing my studies in Buddhism. Next step will be to find someone or someplace where I can participate in discussions of what I read about and about newly learned ideas.

• • • • •

So all in all, I feel pretty good about who I am today and where I am going tomorrow. I didn't even talk about my continuing writing, working on my memoirs, continuing the push to create ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical, and making presentations to various groups on living well with Alzheimer's Dementia. I also didn't talk about how much I continue to love my condo, my kitties, my friends, and my family.

So all in all, it looks like the beginning of a beautiful 2 0 1 9 !

Aging Gracefully

GUEST COLUMN in Windy City Times, 09/26/18. 

Click here to check it out:
http://www.windycitymediagroup.com/lgbt/Aging-gracefully-Dont-speak-of-overcoats-or-bowels/64221.html

Overcoats & Bowels Revisited

Click album cover to play music while reading this essay:

Interesting. Two friends have commented on my previous post saying: "I was sorry to see you speak about your 'decrepit' body. My take on aging is a little more positive." and your essay is ... "perhaps a bit less positive than i tend to feel about getting older, but you get to decide." One relative didn't feel it was too negative. 

First of all, I do not feel negative about aging. I enjoy my life, my days, my condo, my family and friends, my cats. I do feel that I am being realistic about aging because things do change. I think that an awareness of these changes helps one cope, restructure, and live one's life the best one can.

In a previous essay I talked a little about my aches and pains saying that I earned them fair and square and was grateful that I was still alive to experience them!

There is an exponential difference in the aging process when your age goes from 70 to 80 than there was when it progressed 30 to 40! I don't want to think about 80 to 90

Is it that there is a unspoken stigma attached to discussing the results of the aging process? There is a stigma attached to so many things like discussing death, Alzheimer's, cancers, sex, bowel habits, and overcoats! Maybe the Aging Stigma is stronger than I realize

Is it that the results of aging are so personal that they are meant to be kept personal or is it that most people cannot really admit or face these changes? Is it that some people (not  pointed at my friends who commented) cannot face aging and death which are part of certainty when so much in life is not?

Are parts of the aging process so distasteful and embarassing and bodily, that discussion is inappropriate and to be avoided? Is it that by giving it too much attention, one does in fact become fixated on being old rather than accentuating the positive?

Do these caveats reflect where I am coming from and not my perceptions of the general public with regards to aging?  

Do you end up reaping what you sow? Does the quote "Keep Calm and Carry On," which was a motivaitonal poster produced by the British government in 1939 in preparation for World War II, apply to aging as well?

Maybe my writing style, my sense of humor, my approach to life; comes off as more negative than I would want. I re-read my essay "Don't Speak of Overcoats or Your Bowels" (click to open in a new window) and I did not feel that it was too negative. Sarcastic, yes. Tongue in cheek, yes. Honest, yes. Too negative, no.

It was descriptive and detailed (although not too detailed about the bowels :-) but it was also optimistic and hopeful. It was not meant to complain but rather to process by putting my current thinking and experience into writing. 

This is the same process I used when Gregory was still with me and since I could not discuss issues with him, I turned to my computer to process in writing and posting on my blog.

Or do I protest too much? That's all for now! You have got to accentuate the positive...

Accentuate the Positive

Music by Harold Arlen 

and the lyrics by Johnny Mercer.

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate his last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark

Man, they said we better, accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, do not mess with Mister In-Between
Do you hear me?

Oh, listen to me children and-a you will hear
About the elininatin' of the negative
And the accent on the positive
And gather 'round me children if you're willin'
And sit tight while I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' right

Don't Speak of Overcoats or Your Bowels

The old saw says, "You know you are getting old when you begin to talk about the state of your bowels."

As a young, newly employed elementary school teacher, my mother often would ask me, "When are you going to be a grown up and buy yourself an overcoat?"

At a garage sale we ran in Gregory's old architecture studio before we moved out of 2635 Poplar and into the condo in downtown Evanston; a much older customer lowered himself into a chair to rest from his shopping; making loud sighing, groaning, aching sounds as I am sure you have heard before. My friend Roger labeled those "Old Man Noises" and warned against making them ourselves.

It is said that "you are only as old as you think you are" and "old age is only a state of mind." It is said that if you "act old," you are old."

Well here I am, now 73 years old, ... and I am old! Born in 1945 for which you have to scroll down quite a way when filling out your age in an online form, it amazes me how many years there are in that list between when I was born and today!

I have to admit that I am more aware of my bowels, own an over coat, feel the aches and pains of "old man noises," and realize that short of thinking or feeling or acting old, the body has a mind of its own as it slows down, breaks down, lets you down.

When I asked my Podiatrist why my feet were in such bad condition, he replied, "It's like having a car for 73 years and never having changed the tires." I find I need to more carefully navigate climbing stairs.

My skin doctor tells me that dry skin and itching is normal for a person my age, so the lotion bottle has become a permanent fixture on the sink counter. 

At my yearly visits to the eye doctor, she talks about farsightedness (hyperopia) getting better and nearsightedness (myopia) getting worse which is usual as one gets older. My glasses prescription changes each visit. Also I must now keep an eye (so to speak) on my cataracts which are beginning to cloud.

While I usually do not talk about growing older, keeping it privately to myself, it is nice now and then to discuss the symptoms with friends of the same or similar age, just to compare notes to know that you are not alone in your years, and possible to learn something you did not know about living with the process.

One thing that happens as you get older, is that you go unnoticed. People are not attracted to you, are not sizing you up as a sex partner, are not necessarily interested in what you have to say. Even though you have given your best to society during your prime years, you are deemed somewhat useless now. The young do not understand who you are in today's world and you do not understand who they are.

I find myself saying the same words my parents used to say with dismay as well as at times with disgust, "This generation ... I just don't understand them!" Ironically, there are so many more things I now understand about my parents and the changes they went through as they aged, but hopefully I am doing it more gracefully having learned from them how not to get older.

They slowed down as I am. They used to entertain but then did less and less. My father refused to stand in line at a restaurant or movie theater. They did not like to attend functions with large crowds. They preferred eventually to not go out or dive at night. Me too, now!

With one example for me which is similar to those of my parents, let me talk about entertaining. In my prime, Gregory and I used to entertain a lot. Dinner parties, holiday events, helping family and friends celebrate birthdays. When my parents would visit from Florida, I would invite all the family and friends to visit the condo so mom and dad could get to see everyone without having to run all over Chicago for the short time they were here. 

Gregory was born on July 4 so we had open house, immediate world parties featuring appetizers, dinner, beverages, birthday cake and fireworks for 30-50 people. As Gregory's abilities diminished due to his dementia, I would take on the event single handedly. Eventually I asked our housekeeper be at the party to help out.

Now, even with fewer people attending (due to attrition, old age, and death) after a party at the condo I feel like I have been hit by a truck, beaten up in the alley, fallen down a flight of stairs. Instead of having everything cleaned up (even with Halina's help) by the time I head off to bed, I head off leaving the counters and sinks still filled with dirty dishes.

The next day I finish cleaning up but still feel black and blue, bruised, sprained. I'll take two naps instead of the usual one.

Which brings me to the joys of taking midday naps! I find that I "husband" (I love that word husbandry: the care of a household; the control or judicious use of resources : conservation) I husband my time and energy and only allow one major activity a day. If I have an evening engagement or a play to attend, that is all I plan on that day. If I go grocery shopping, after coming home and putting things away, I make no other plans. 

I used to run four or five or six errands at a time, then cook dinner, or go out with friend to dinner and a movie. Now ONE ACTIVITY A DAY and a nap thrown in! Naps are the luxury of the aged, the retired, and at times the wealthy!

People still tell me that I have an amazing amount of energy but if compared to when I was in my fifties, I would say that the amount of energy I have currently is about half of what I had then.

So in this essay, it has felt good to analyze what this thing called aging personally means to me. A little complaining, a little humor, a little enlightenment as I shed more awareness on who I am at this time of my life.

I will say that not a day goes by that I am not grateful (if not acknowledging it out-loud) for the life I live, for family and friends, for Emma and Gigi my cats, for my health, for my financial ability to have a comfortable life.

I miss my life partner, soul mate, best friend, husband Gregory. We were together for 41 years. He lived the last 12 of those with Dementia, most likely Alzheimer's Disease. He died close to three years ago. I miss him terribly and Grief still rears its head now and then when I least expect it, but I have grown and continue my life as a widow. This is also part of aging. We knew that one of us would die first, Gregory beat me to it!

I am aware, as I continue my studies in Buddhism, that "We have a choice. We can spend our whole life suffering because we can’t relax with how things really are, or we can relax and embrace the open-endedness of the human situation, which is fresh, unfixated, unbiased.:" —Pema Chödrön, "The Fundamental Ambiguity of Being Human  

Meanwhile, I embrace my old age, I embrace the fact that I will die. Meanwhile I'll have as much fun as my aging, decrepit body allows (knowing that it will continue to age and get more decrepit!)

A Staircase vs An Arch: A Metaphor for Life

Came across this on You Tube and Facebook. Ms. Fonda talks to an audience of women at a TEDx Women event, but I find her message is at least as applicable to men as it is to women!

Happy New Year

On being another year older and dealing with aging.

Taken from "The Little Buddah"

What a Lot of Posts

What a lot of posts today! 

Sat down today to think about what I am up to lately:

ALZHEIMER'S: A Love Story, the documentary continues to travel and do well around the U.S.A. and around the world. 77+ film festival acceptances. 35+ awards.

I have begun writing the script for ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical.

I came up with a new concept for an opera using some of my poems called: ALZHEIMER'S: A Poetic Opera, How many poems in a dozen? Eight?

I am working on GYROSCOPE: An Alzheimer's Love Story, my memoirs.

I continue to BLOG here at "michael a. horvich writes."

The MORE THAN EVER EDUCATION FUND second annual luncheon is coming up on Wednesday, May 3. I have been attending meetings with the administrator of the fund, La Casa Norte as well as seeking raffle prizes, mailing out invitations, and regularly posting about the event on social media.

I have recently been invited to join and have accepted a position as Board Member on a fledgling opera group called The Floating Opera Theater.

I have been attending a new group in the area called "The New 100" which is a creative incubator which meets monthly with attendees sharing new works in the arts for the purpose of networking, workshopping, connecting, etc.

There is a possibility that Michael's Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures, a permanent exhibit at Chicago Children's Museum since 2011, will add a number of collections to the already existing 105!

I do this every now and then to remind myself that I am still alive and not lazy even though it feels at times like I am "slowing down."

The Book of Should

The Book of Should, I call it "BS." Bull Shit!

I find that as I grow older, I have (or allow) fewer "aughts" and "shoulds" to govern my behavior, my life. I trust my instincts, I trust my beliefs, I trust myself to lead my life in the most loving, productive, healthy way that I can.

I do not depend on others to monitor my life or to pass judgment on me. Lord (excuse the expression) knows that I have passed judgement on myself often enough to last a lifetime. I am working on just loving and accepting me without the aughts and shoulds and for the most part I do.

I surround myself with people whom I love and respect and while it may sound mean, I toss those who do not love and respect me in return. I do not NEED friends and family, I CHOOSE friends and family. I do not need to prove myself to anyone, I have proved myself to me.

I do not have to worry about job descriptions or career paths. I do not have any place I have to be if I do not want to be there.

I do not have anyone to answer to. No bosses and for that matter, while one's parents are always watching and judging (in one's own mind,) their voices slowly fade over time especially once they are dead and gone (although I do miss sitting with them.)

I find I am constantly re-evaluating the values I was given by parents, relatives, teachers, religious leaders, friends, co-workers, etc. The ones that I agree with after almost 70 years of experience I keep, the other values I revise and/or toss.

In some ways I do not have to worry about the future. For me, the future is here. I have earned it! Financially I am OK. Not fabulously wealthy, but OK. My condo is comfortable and paid for. I enjoy good food, good music, good theater. My health, while it could weigh less, is excellent. I sleep well.

So I no longer subscribe to the Book of Should, BS! It feels good to say that and is one of the benefits of getting older. Don't get me wrong, being old isn't always the best thing to be, but it could be worse, and I am pleased with me!

Panchamaya Kosha Session One

After discussing the model and its levels we began our Yoga session. Corinne demonstrated the various stretching and activities in "floor position" and in "chair position." Most of the ones I did were on a chair as I am so out of shape, recently had a bad case of Vertigo, and my back and hips have been bothering me. (This is not a poor me but information by way of your understanding the session.)

As the stretches and exercises progressed I found myself becoming more and more limber and finally ended up moving to floor style. I do not think that I have been as aware of my body in a long time (if ever) then when we were going through the stretches/exercises in this mindful way.

After the stretches/exercises we did a brief Yoga Nidra meditation mainly doing a "body scan" where Corinne led us through a mindful look at our bod, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes, in relation to breathing, the "inside" of it and the "outside" of it.

When I first started meditation classes I would say that many people think Yoga is physical stretching and exercising when it is really a way to calm and quiet the body so as to be better able to meditate.

While that is still true, I am afraid that I discounted Yoga too much. In this one short session, I became so aware of my body and its relation to the space around and the space inside that I now understand better the relationship between the physical and how it supports the mindful meditation.

I have continued to become more aware of how breathing relates to meditation, my study of Buddhism, and my emotions and sure enough here it shows up again in Yoga. I am excited about these sessions and look forward to the next ones to see what they will bring.

I might mention here that I have known for a while that I am very physically out of shape and needed to do something about it. The message hit home when I took myself to the emergency room with the Vertigo attack. It scared me. I thought my blood pressure had gone sky high (when it really was only registering the distress of my body with the Vertigo.) But the scare was enough for me to decide that thinking about doing something does NOT count as DOING something.

I surprised me with my quick actions: 1) Began discussing weight loss and made goals with my Psychologist, 2) Renewed my membership at LA Fitness, 3) Committed to a year of personal training at LA Fitness, 4) Began my weight loss program by weighing in and beginning a log of everything that I ate, 5) Beginning a six week Yoga Kosha session with Corinne.

I am airing my laundry here because by talking about it and by processing it, I think I will be able to try harder to succeed with this program of regaining my health. I DO NOT WANT TO BE OR FUNCTION LIKE AN OLD MAN, EVEN THOUGH I AM AN OLD MAN!

Also, as a reminder, this is being posted on my writers BLOG because I need to move on and separate my Alzheimer's Life from my Personal Life. No less love for Gregory but he is now safely ensconced and embraced. I need to do the same for myself.

In The Mirror

Last night Gregory and I went to see Camelot, that great classic musical by Lerner and Loewe, at Light Opera Works in Evanston. The audience was made up mostly of older people. Everywhere I looked, I "saw" my parents. Or was I looking at myself?

Childhood Dying

All of my childhoods have died or are slowly dying.

On my mother's side is Grandma Lillian who used to send me to the store for cigarettes, black olives, and pencils and lived with her manic-depressive diagnosis and blindness. Lillian's father, Great Grandpa Lewis sat at Aunt Bea's dinning room table reading the Jewish newspaper. I cannot remember what he looked like, only his back. Great Aunt Bea, overweight and commanding in her housedress. Great Uncle Al who was the family patriarch, very wealthy, and took good care of his brothers and sisters in their old age. Uncle Morris who was a "bachelor." Great Grandmother Lee, who baked us poppy seed cookies and to whom my mother still felt a duty, even though the Lee family disowned my grandma and left her penniless as she raised my mom and her step-sister Annette and step-brother Harold. Uncle Sherwin who was always very handsome and a good buddy. Auntie Annette who taught me the power of positive thinking and helped mold me into the person I am today. Aunt Kate and Uncle Harold, Aunt Anne and Uncle Sol, Aunt Milly and Uncle Irving, all really cousins but old enough to be respectfully called Aunt and Uncle. Kate was funny and mentally ill, Harold was a comic and sold ties, Anne always pretty and a little jealous, Sol sold giftware's and had an affair, Milly the best baker of desserts I have ever known and Irving was always my mother's "favorite."

On my father's side, Grandpa Max used to nap in the blind slat darkened bedroom. Grandma Sarah used to love bone marrow on rye bread and always smelled like herring. Aunt Lil was always sophisticated, well dressed, and scary. She was the first to die at an early age of lung cancer. Uncle Leonard was worldly and important. Uncle Ben with his fears sat by his short wave radio. Auntie Anne painted pictures with her hands as a way to describe what she was saying. Aunt Esther, always bohemian, lost her vocal cords to cancer and poked your chest as she belched her words to keep your attention. One time when she called on the telephone and used her voice machine to leave a message on my answering machine. Two machines having a conversation. I never knew my father's sister Frieda who died on my father's birthday at the age of twenty from Leukemia.

So who is left? Aunt Elaine who is Leonard's second wife, blowzy and outspoken but authentic and lovable and still going strong. Ida Kanov, holding on despite many falls and hospital stays, close enough of a family friend to be included in my list, a tiny woman, always loving and understanding. Uncle Harold, always a comedian and the black sheep of the family who has "served time" and fancies himself more wanted by the Maffia than he really is.

When they are gone so will my childhood finally be gone. The memories will live on but when I am gone this generation's stories will be gone. Eventually we are all forgotten, only love lives on.

Writing Less

I seem to be writing less about general things as I write more about Alzheimer's Disease and Michael's Museum. Both of these are taking a lot of time and effort from me, both a labor of love but also a drain. Carmen, the current opera in which I am appearing at The Lyric Opera of Chicago, makes me sound like a prima donna doesn't it, is also taking time and love but that will end by my birthday on March 27th. This just in time to celebrate not only my 66th birthday (which I think I would prefer to let quietly slip by) but also the first anniversary of my mother's death. And this will take time and effort. I yearn for some empty time away from what I know I would end up carrying with me anyway. No escape. Will need to do some work on this.

Why are there only questions?

How many lives will we live? How many people will we be? How many will be loved by us and by how many will we be loved in return? When we are gone what will people remember of who we were, what we did, who we touched, how we touched them? Why do we not notice, nor contemplate while we can? When we have taken our last breath, when we have said our last goodbye, what will matter? Shouldn't that matter now?

Winter

Snow cuts across the rise and fall of building tops
on the horizon of our condo balcony window.
Gray, bleak, dark, cold.

Thoughts cut to the ebb and flow of the sunlit waves
on the horizon of Puerto Vallarta Mexican beaches.
Golden, bright, sunny, hot.

Steam cuts through the flapping wings of the pigeons perching
on the horizon of chimney tops in my winter window view.
Smoky, steamy, misty, warm.

Memories cut between the years of life now passed, now passing
on the horizon of of my aging, fragile mind.
Fleeting, joyful, painful, comforting.

Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent

Who are these people? Do you recognize them. They seem familiar to me but I am not sure who they are. The beautiful woman: content, happy, smiling? The little boy: no cares, no worries, protected, smiling? The little girl: daddy's girl, happy, confident, smiling? The good looking man: sure, successful, realized, smiling?


Adeline or should we  call her wife, mom. Michael or should we call him son, brother. Libbe or should we call her daughter, sister. Louis or should we call him husband, father. And eventually shall we call them grand parent, great grandparent, wife, grand parent, partner, uncle, great uncle.


Did they have any idea of who they would be for the next sixty or so years? What joys? What sorrows? A final breath. A tear at their passing and then with tears dried, their final breaths? 


I seem to know these people but maybe in a dream or in a good fiction recently read. And who took the picture?

Finding Fascination in the Quotidian

Quotidian. Ordinary, common place, every day. Robert Weissenstein, as quoted by George Will in Newsweek 11/15/10 P. 24, finds exhilaration in the fact that there will always be a next new thing, and that it will not be new for long. 


Three million iPods were sold in 2.5 years; 3 million Kindles were sold in two years; 3 million iPads were sold in 80 days; 3 million iPhones were sold in three weeks. Also amazing is that the cause and effect cycle of change has no end and very often we are not, or cannot be aware of the chain that change creates and how or when that chain circles us personally.


I have always heard people who were older than I was say, "The older you get the faster time seems to fly." At 65, I am now in the position of experiencing this for myself. It gets a little more important when one realizes that the years left to fly by are not as many as when you first started flying. 


After reading Will's article and Weissenstein's observations, I wonder now if the cause of this exponential speeding up of time is due to age or due to the speed with which living life increases. Although one would think that since you can get so much more done in such a short period of time,  the days would seem longer, would seem to slow down.