A Few Foo Dogs

The other day I was shopping at the Heritage Trail Antique Mall in Wilmette (a suburb of Illinois for those of you who do not know.) After doing a circuit of the first and second floor I continued up to the third.

I enjoy visiting antique shops and do so not only locally but when out of town as well. I have gotten pretty good at "scanning" a mall booth and deciding if it is even worth moving in from the aisle for a closer look.

Some people might say, "Jaded," but somehow I can tell if it is worth spending time with a particular vendor by the way they display their items, if most items are locked up (I prefer them to be available to touch,) or if the items are even of interest to me.

Often times I will do a round of "looking" and leave the shop empty-handed. Other times I will come away with one significant item and at yet other times with a handful of tiny items (I am known for my Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures, you know!)

In a previous blog, you saw the antique Christmas Tree miniature I recently purchased from the Heritage Trail Mall. On the same trip, when I arrived on the third floor, I was dumbstruck by a pair of items I saw. This does not happen too often. I think I even commented out loud as I admired the items and circled them; commenting, touching, and amazing!

The items were reasonably priced for their value and the dealer for that booth (also the owner of the mall and an acquaintance from my many visits) was willing to give me a steep discount. The price of the items was still not inexpensive, but they were even more reasonably priced with the discount.

Lisa, the vendor, offered to put the items on hold for me and even though I had some difficulty committing to the price I figured, "Why not!" That would give me a few days to think and decide.

I began the process of decision making. Did I NEED the items or did I WANT the items? Did I have room in the condo to properly DISPLAY the items? Did I want yet another THING to which I would become ATTACHED? Was purchasing the items a good use of my MONEY? Were they really WORTH the price, even with the discount? Would the dogs, who were so heavy, literally WEIGH me down?

I spoke with my niece Colleen, who often is my Mirror of Wisdom, and sent her a photograph. She instantly fell in love with them; using words like wonderful, unique, magical, amazing!

I went back to the antique shop, purchased them, and they are currently installed on the entrance table in the front hall of the condo. There is a possibility that they will move around before settling permanently.

But I'll tell you this, they won't be moving often and certainly not on their own!

As I was drifting off to sleep, I said my nightly "Good Night Gregory." I added, "Do you think my Foo Dog purchase was foolish?" His reply was, "Of course, but what difference does it make?" 

As I am writing this I realize the PUN: Foo Dog purchase foo lish? Maybe that is why Gregory chuckled.

Since the introduction of the lion symbolism from Indian culture especially through Buddhist symbolism, statues of guardian lions have traditionally stood in front of Chinese Imperial palaces, Imperial tombs, government offices, temples, and the homes of government officials and the wealthy, from the Han dynasty (206 BC – AD 220), and were believed to have powerful mythic protective benefits. They are also used in other artistic contexts, for example on door-knockers, and in pottery. Pairs of guardian lion statues are still common decorative and symbolic elements at the entrances to restaurants, hotels, supermarkets and other structures, with one sitting on each side of the entrance, in China and in other places around the world where the Chinese people have immigrated and settled, especially in local Chinatowns.

Photograh of Foo Dogs at the Antique Mall

Photographs of the Foo Dogs at home

as part of my "Leaving Shrine" in the front hall.

Co-dependence and Dementia: Revisited

In reply to a post by Kate Swaffer: 
http://kateswaffer.com/2016/01/30/co-dependence-and-dementia/ (opens in a second window.)

Kate, your comment says it all: "A healthy relationship is a partnership, an alliance, not some game with winners and losers, and when the interaction in a relationship becomes a power struggle, due in part to the fact that care partners and others are given all the power over us, and people with dementia are Prescribed Disengagement®, there can be no winners."

Kate, I feel that the problem with Dementia/ Alzheimer's itself is that in the end there are no winners, only people trying to live their lives as well as possible with a disease that even kindly can only be called insidious!

There will always be 1) people trying to help and succeeding, 2) people trying to help but ending up hurting, 3) people trying to hurt and succeeding. With Alzheimer's Caregiving Partners, whether family or professional;  we see self-serving people and altruistic people, giving people and taking people, informed helpers and uninformed helpers, quality of care people and bottom line financial budget people.

Perhaps closer study and research; using comparisons of  how people diagnosed with other life threatening and life ending illnesses are treated and supported by family, friends, professionals, agencies, governments, etc; could help clarify the dementia caregiving partner model and create one which would be more equal to and more appropriate for the nature of supporting people with Dementia/ Alzheimer's!

I believe that contributing factors to this care giving partnership thinking are more complex than the Dementia itself. In healthy, functional relationships, living life can be easier. In unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships, living life can be harder. Either way life itself can be at the same time a "fight" right beside a "dance" and the Dementia complicates it. This is true not only for love relationships but also family and health care organizations and governmental agencies. Functional vs non-functional!

Finally, with Dementia/ Alzheimer's, eventually the person diagnosed will need to have someone make all of the decisions about meeting their wishes, care, treatment. Eventually the person with Dementia/ Alzheimer's will not be able to make known their needs, wishes, discomforts, pains, desires, etc.

Perhaps the best way to deal with this is for the Caregiving team to try to talk about or put into writing, the details of how the Caregiving Partnership Model might look for the person needing such. Attempting to clarify how they want to be dealt with when the time comes that they are no longer able to coherently deal with life's major as well as day to day decisions can solve a lot of decision problems for all members of the Caregiving Team. Often families and/or the people with Dementia are not emotionally able or willing to be open and honest about the disease and their wishes for the future.

Hopefully in time, with more awareness, the "RIGHT" people and ideas and approaches will win out. I think the best way to continue aiming in the right direction is: "NOTHING ABOUT US, WITHOUT US!"

Before or After The Elephants

Euphemistically "Memorial Gardens" stands for CEMETERY!

Yesterday I spent a little over an hour at Memorial Gardens, which conveniently happens to be neighbors to the Lieberman Center.

For a while I have been thinking about educating myself about pre-paid end of life arrangements for Gregory and me. I met with Lynn,  who was very nice, well informed, understanding, and helpful.

At one point she asked Chris for help and I think after hearing me talk about planning for me and my partner, he decided to stay in the meeting. Turns out he is Gay, much younger than I, and his first lover passed away a short while ago. We had issues in common to talk about.

Not easy planning for your best friend, life partner's demise let alone your own. I told them I wanted a "no frills" cremation for both of us. Discussing the details was less difficult than I had imagined and only twice the emotional pushed the intellectual out of the way and I got choked up.

No service, no flowers, no catering, no obituary, no web site of remembrance, no coffin. Just a cardboard box. Ashes are delivered in a plain urn ready for scattering. There are two jokes about the scattering of our ashes which Gregory and I tell.

I want my ashes scattered at the circus. I just don't know if it should be before or after the elephants!

Gregory wants his ashes scattered in Lake Michigan since he so loves the water. So a few friends will gather in our bathroom, say a few nice words, and flush the ashes down the toilet. Fastest way to Lake Michigan!

Gregory and I had discussed this many years ago when we first wrote our first wills. It was hard for me to decide "Cremate" or "Bury." I still hadn't decided on the night before we were to visit the lawyer to draw up the wills.

Gregory and I were talking about the pros and cons of each when it dawned on me, "It isn't an issue of  'Do I want to be cremated or buried!' I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" After that it was easy to decide: cremation.

There are a lot of legal issues about dying and how to handle the remains. I have Power of Attorney for Health over Gregory. His nephew Mark and his wife Colleen are next in line to make decisions for Gregory if I pre-decease or if I cannot make decisions for myself they also take over that responsibility for me.

You could say that I trust them with our lives ... and I do ... and I have ... by making them next in line trustees.

Lynn suggested I look into one issue. Usually when a person dies, the Power of Attorney is terminated. I should make sure it states that I retain rights to dispose of Gregory's remains (and M&C for G and/or me!)

It gets a little more complicated. There is insurance for me in case I die while traveling and have to get shipped home. There are provisions for the pre-paid arrangements to transfer to another city if I move. The funeral director has a specific role to play as does the cemetery even thought there is no burial. There are additional fees that go to the state and city for various certificates and registrations. It goes on and on but both Lynn and Chris made it easy to understand.

So while I was dealing with something that could be very difficult, I felt empowered to be able to make decisions about the things I can control. And to have everything paid for in advance.

When Gregory and I leave this life, there will be no tangible evidence of our having been here. No grave, no stone, no tomb, no bench, no niche, no urn. What will remain is the love we were able to share with others, to be carried in their hearts until it is their turn to leave this life to go home.