Decades Come and Decades Go

Below is a list of the "positives" of my life and the seeming "negatives." The negatives I am working on and recently decided to return to sessions with Peter, my therapist. While I have so much for which to be grateful, so many wonderful and supportive friends and family, so many exciting projects - personal as well as altruistic, I feel a pall of sadness following me through it all.

Gregory's two-year passing anniversary is nearing, October 4th, and while it has become easier I continue to grieve the loss. I miss him so. Maybe what I grieve is living my life alone without my best friend, or just getting older I grieve my youth. I shared all of this with my niece Colleen during her visit last weekend and she lovingly asked me to remove the last item on Page #2. 

I replied the following: Sure. Remove the item in question. I know that I am not biding my time … but I do know it is lurking there in the future. At my age, the end is closer rather than farther but how grateful I am that I have had all this time to enjoy and work with life and I look forward to what lies ahead!

The decades get more difficult to spend when you are older. I am ... and hopefully will be able to continue "spending" them wisely. 

40 to 50 is frightening but no big deal.

50 to 60 is surreal but tolerable.

60 to 70 is unbelievable, how did I get here so quickly.

Now comes the tough part. 70 to 80, like wow. I am still alert, aware, agile, somewhat productive although certainly slower than I was.

80 to 90? Wow! If I AM still alert, aware, agile and somewhat productive that will be not only a blessing but in many ways a miracle. 

THEN 90 to 100? Ouch.

So while I know (and hope) that my death is not imminent, the decades may be responsible for the “pall” I discussed with you, getting older gracefully is not easy but I am working at it!

POSITIVES: (* = while positve, also creates stress)

* Memoirs

* Alzheimer’s: The Musical

* Alzheimer’s: The Poetic Opera

   Guest Columns in Windy City Times

   Board Member Floating Opera Company

   Floating Opera Incubator

* Added Michael’s Museum Collections possibility

* Reverend Michael in D.C. (October) wedding of God Daughter Whitney

   San Pancho Mexico (January)

   Michael’s Recent Alzheimer’s Presentations:
          Northshore Univ Health Division of Palliative Care and Hospice, 
          United Methodist Church of LaGrange Illinois,
          University of Chicago Middle School Students,
          Lieberman Center for Health and Rehabilitation,
          Sherman Plaza Book and Social Club, 
          Dementia Alliance International Australia,
          Pritzker School of Medicine,
          Northwestern University Kellogg Graduate School of Business,
          Battle Creek Alzheimer's Association, and
          Battle Creek Congregational Church.

   Friends over Dinner

   Attend Theater/Opera/Musicals

   Entertaining

   Out of Town Guests

   Meditation (Daily)

   * Buddhist Retreat (August)

   Continued Condo Refinement

   Publishing Gregory’s writing posthumously

   Volume III of “Sit With Me A While” poetry

   “A Relationship of Writers: A writing memoir with Chris Peterson”
   Continued feelings of gratitude and joy

NEGATIVES (stated positively?:)

—Gregory’s Remains Dispersal

—Regular Meals

—Disciplined Food Choices

—Weight loss

—Exercise

—Therapy 

—Urologist 

—Rheumatologist 

—Travel

—More ambition

—Rather stay at home

—Naps

—Avoiding Depression

—Identifying feeling sad - Pall

—More crying but less overwhelmed

—Different attitudes towards friends 

—BIDING MY TIME UNTIL I DIE?

Lessons on the Tens

This is reprinted from a post in May 2013 with additions:

There does seem to be an unspoken age restriction. As I have gotten older, I have had to work harder to stay in the flow, so to speak, and to believe that I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to. Change becomes more difficult because one has more to loose (potentially) and with greater risk. One feels less resilient, less flexible, more attached to routine and habit. I watched this in my parents, thought them the fool, but have gradually seen the same in me.

But I have also calmed down, discovered and like who I am, have belief systems, have faith in my abilities to deal with the ups and downs of being alive.

I have shared this previously, but recently the topic came up again. I have added the 10's, 20',s and 30's in retrospect. My lessons in life, which came on the 10's are:

10: I hate school. I hate my classmates. I hate my parents. I hate my life. Men turn me on but I do not understand this (and there are no role models to help.)

20: When will puberty hit? I am still waiting. Who am I anyway? I do not know what I think, I do not know what I believe, I do not know who I am. I love college but hate studying and tests. I am still attracted to Men, there are very few role models, but I know how to hook up!

30: Finally graduated college, love teaching, love my life as an adult. Growing up late or mid-life crisis early. Quit teaching. Run away to Mexico. Work at discovering who I am. I am comfortable with my sexuality.

40: Life is linear. Some choices have to be left behind and there is no going back to those intersections. Your entire life is still ahead of you. Use it well!

50:  Life has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Most of your life is still ahead of you. Use it well!

60: In life, there is here and there is the here-after. So live for the here and try not to worry too much about the here-after. A lot of life is still ahead of you. Use it well!

70: Come back in 1.5 years to find out what I discover.

😃 😃 😃

And now as I approach my 70th birthday on March 27, 2015 here is my Life Lesson on the Tens for turing Seventy! I could be humorous and say the lesson is looking in the mirror and saying, "How in the FUCK did this happen?" but last night I did get an insight into my lesson for the 70'S.

HERE IT IS

70: If there are things you want to accomplish in life, it is now or never. No more "When I get to it." or "When other things are in place." or "Maybe someday." It is NOW or NEVER!