I Lash Out, I Rage

Do you know about "Work Oppressive Dreams?" I continue to have them some twenty years after having retired from teaching. They are of the type where I show up at school having left the exams at home, or not being prepared for the day's lessons, or forgetting to have put on my pants.

This dream had to do with Gregory. I dream about him a lot. In the beginning, he was in his diminished state and he was just present in the dream. Slowly he regained his abilities, cognitive and physical, and his presence and interaction in the dreams were closer to "the old Gregory." 

In last night's dream, I pulled up in front of the condo and we were unloading the car. In the dream, Gregory had reverted to his previous lower functioning level. I got the cart from the lobby to unload the car and when I returned he was nowhere to be seen. I panicked. 

Turns out he had gone ahead up to the condo, without my seeing and without mentioning anything to me. When I got to the condo and discovered he was there I blew. My heart was beating a mile a minute (in the dream as well I am sure.)

I proceeded (I will admit this) to yell at him and to "beat him up." Slapping, hitting, shoving ... but not so hard that I would hurt him but rather hurt his ego. Perhaps I wanted him to know that what he did was not a good idea and perhaps my anger would help him know not to do that again. (Poor rationale!) 

It felt very much like watching a parent spank a child who ran into the street and was narrowly hit by a car. The kid almost dies so the parent hits him and punishes him?

I woke up heavy with the dream on my mind. I cried and felt so badly that three years and three months after Gregory's death, I still had so much anger and rage in me and that I acted in a mean, punishing, embarrassing, inappropriate, and uncalled for way.

Fairly quickly, I was able to dismiss the guilt. I understood that sometimes hidden emotions surface before they can be on their way. But I was heavy with the experience and often that is when my best poetryt "composes itself" for me. So at 4:30 AM, I got up and went to my computer to compose this poem:

Normalcy Violated

I work so hard to keep our life as normal as possible.

Then something happens to show me it is not normal.

To remind me that it is not normal. That Dementia rules.

And I react. I freak out. I act in ways for which I know better.

I love you so. And I mistreat you because I love you so.

And I lash out. I rage. I rage and lash out verbally. Physically. 

I hit you, slap you, punish you. Abusivey without thinking.

Because I want our life to be normal, And I am shown it is not.

I want you to be safe, I want our life to be normal.

I do not want you to be frightened or confused or frustrated.

So I lash out. I hit you. I slap you. I punish you.

And then I apologize. And I cry. And you cry. And I love you.

When normalcy disappears I freak out. I am surprised. I lash out.

And as much as I love you, it is not enough to just love you. 

It should be enough, but it is not enough and I lash out and I freak out 

And I apologize. And I am so sorry. And I cry. And you cry. And we love each other. 

That should be enough but sometimes it is not enough and I lash out.

When will I learn? Maybe next time. Maybe next time?

MIRACLE: The Date, The Time and A Dream

AS OF FEBRUARY 3, 2016, here is today's MIRACLE plus a listing of all the miracles I have experienced, sent by Gregory since he passed on October 4, 2015. All open in a new window so you won't get lost. I will update this post as new miracles take place.

• • •

TODAY FEBRUARY 3, 2015

I woke at 4:56 am. Was pleased to have heard from Gregory after not having heard from him in a while. Then I realized that the clock also shows the date so the entire visual was: 2/3 4:56! You have read previously that I like to interpret these unique time sequences as a "wink," a "nod," a "hello" from Gregory nudging me awake to see his presence.

Next, I had what I call a "Work Oppressive Dream." I still dream about classroom events gone wrong and I haven't been a teacher for over 20 years! This one was about Gregory.

He was making copies of files using my new hp Color LaserJet Pro Printer. He had many files and was making three copies of each sheet in each file and the number of copies (and their cost) was piling up. One copy for the client, one was a work file, and one was to be kept at home.

First, I might mention that I recently purchased this printer because I wanted to not so much because I needed it. It was more expensive than a regular ink jet and the ink cartridges are more expensive, but the quality is superb and since I do not print all that much, I felt I could afford the upgrade.

In the dream I was angry with Gregory because he didn't need to make copies, he no longer needed to make copies, and through his Dementia I couldn't make him understand although I strongly tried. 

As we had in the past, until I learned to understand how to approach situations like this (especially learning that sometimes you just cannot explain things and rather have to distract the person) I kept up trying to explain and as I did I got more and more angry.

He just ignored me and continued making copies. Finally I woke up. In analyzing the dream as I lie there half awake, I came up with three possibilities.

1) I feel a little guilty at having a more expensive printing setup.

2) Gregory was doing his best to say Hi! which he did in the style of his "Maire You Are A Shit" type of humor I so loved. This part of the realization caused me to giggle as I drifted back to sleep. And/or 

3) I was meant to realize I no longer have to worry about "monitoring" his behavior and/or explaining, and/or getting angry at the sometimes silly things he did.

The interesting thing about this dream is that he was not just "present in the background" like so many dreams have been but rather he was an active part of a two person dream including only him and me.

• • •

1) The Kiss 
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2015/10/gregory-iii.html

2) The Candle
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2015/10/gregorys-last-days.html

3) The Dream
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2015/10/a-dream.html

4) The Meeting
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-meeting.html

5) The Bear
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-bear.html

6) The Christmas Moon
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-christmas-full-moon.html

7) The Threes (333)
http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2016/01/miracles-threes.html

8) 1, 2, 3, 4!
http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2016/01/yesterday-was-gregory-and-my-41st.html

9) 1, 2, 3, 4! ... and a Daily Word
http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2016/01/miracle-9.html

10) Start It Said  and 11) 333 Again

http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2016/01/miracles-10-and-11.html

12) Gigi Cares

http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2016/01/last-night-at-bedtime-i-got-sad.html

13) A Gentle Blue Embrace

http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2016/01/a-gentle-blue-embrace.html

14) Time Flies

http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2016/01/a-miniature-museum-maire-memorial.html

Cakes and Cookies and Pies, Oh My!

Baking has always been one of my strengths as well as one of my joys. I learned how to make beautiful fruit pies from Gregory, muffins from his mother Helen, cookies from my mother. Cakes are easy enough to figure out if you follow the recipes.

Many beautiful looking, yummy tasting sweets recipes come across my computer and I dutifully make hard copies and file them in my cookbook. During the days when I still read hard copy magazines, I would cut interesting recipes and kept them as well. When visiting a friend who made a delicious dessert I always try to get the recipe for my files.

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, thinking about the wonderful assortment of Christmas goodies I have experienced this season, (made, eaten, seen) I realized that there was a layer of guilt that was trying to introduce itself into my thoughts.

Sugar! Brown sugar! Honey! White flour! Pastry flour! Corn starch! Candied fruit! Dried fruit! Fats! They all have become villains in our ever growing awareness of the waist line dilemma. So that means that most cakes, cookies, cupcakes, pies, pastries, etc have also become villains.

We love our sweets but we feel guilty eating them. And the reality, or science of it, is that the combination of sugars, fats, and salt cause us to become addicted to sweets. One sweet is never enough. One piece of cake or pie, one cookie, leads to another and for some of us, who now and then buy store bought cookies, it leads to eating the entire box in one sitting.

Another problem is that when I do bake something, I do not have anyone living here to share it with. I will bring a piece of whatever down to the person at the front desk, or share with the other building staff, but the guilt again arrives saying, "They don't need any more sweets either!"

And often, as your share-ees are consuming the treat you shared, they are complaining about their waist lines at the same time. "I don't really need this!" "Why are you doing this to me?" "I am overdosed on sweets this holiday season!" ... they say while consuming your well intentioned gift.

So what is the answer? Don't bake? Bake but don't eat? Eat and then vomit, like the Romans? Share most of what you bake? Not sure, maybe the answer is just gain the weight or maybe a better answer is "All things in moderation!"

Mini-Apple Pie Cookies

Rhubarb Pie

Cranberry Walnut Cookies

Peach Pie

Helen's Cranberry Walnut Bran Muffins

Adeline's Chocolate and Vanilla Walnut Balls

Cherry Pie

Chocolate Raisin and Nut Cups

Raspberry Buckle

Raspberry Pie

Blueberry Pie

Rustic Cherry Tart

Rhubarb Pie

Banana Walnut Bread

Great Grandma Barbara's German Christmas Cookies

Peach Pie

Peanut Butter Cookies, Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

 Silk Apple Pie

Guilt or Gilt, You Decide

guilt |gilt|
noun - a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation: he remembered with sudden guilt the letter from his mother that he had not yet read.
gilt 1 |gilt|noun - gold leaf or gold paint applied in a thin layer to a surface.
Sometimes I wonder if my life is filled with guilt or if it is gilt. 

Neglectful

Sometimes when I do not write for a while, I feel guilty and like I am neglecting my anonymous, possibly non-existent audience. I expect that I will not be spending much time on this blog until after the opening of Michael's Museum at The Chicago Children's Museum on May 13th. Lots of time is being spent on Navy Pier at the Museum dealing with meetings, unpacking and staging collections, and installation. Also time is being taken by event and party planning for the opening. So if you miss me, check out my other BLOGS and you will see what's going on in the life of:

Michael A. Horvich, The Curious Curator
Michael's Museum, A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures
at The Chicago Children's Museum