"We're not just here for ourselves. We are here for others. All we've got is each other. We have to help each other struggle through until we die. Then we are done. No point in making ourselves unhappy and making others unhappy too." (From "After Life" on Netflix written by and starring Ricky Gervais.)
Ann's comments: "Am I happy? Yes! I had the most wonderful life with Stan, and I have all those memories. That is all we really are anyway, memories. And Stan had a wonderful life too. He isn't in any pain and doesn't even know it's over. Hah.
"I do. But I would rather live missing him than I would want him to live missing me. I love him that much. I wouldn't change anything. If I went back and changed one thing I didn't like, I might loose something that that bad thing eventually took me to. I didn't regret anything or think, well, if I went back, I might do this or I might do that."
This brief, six episode series on Netflix streaming carries most of life's lessons in less than three hours: love, loss, anger, unhappiness, depression, drug use, Alzheimer's, Cancer, and back to love!
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Monday, January 21, 2019
Advice to an Alzheimer's Caregiver Partner Newbie
I am often asked, "What would you tell someone who just found out that their spouse or parent or friend was diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's?"
My thoughts to myself, as I gather my about to be given "advice," is that there is a world of difference between a person's spouse and a person's parent. The relationships are different. The intimacies are different. The experiences shared are different. The way in which care will be delivered, both the caregiver's and the caregivee's needs are and will continue to be different.
With your parent, the relationship began when you were first born. It may have been an easy relationship or a difficult one. You had no choice as to who that parent would be and short of acting out and/or running away from home, you had no control over that relationship. Usually, the parent leads and the child follows. The parent has the power and the child has none.
It is said that the most important part of the parent/child experience is the child's slowly working to leave the parent and become independent. If you can do this successfully, the parent and child relationship can begin to move more towards one of friendship and mutual respect.
With your spouse, you elected to begin the relationship. There were the things you had in common, interests and experiences shared, and hopefully, the growth over time was two-sided. The passion and lust grew into love. The partnership was forged in a way that was negotiated, supported both your needs, your partner's needs, and the needs of your children if you chose to have them.
If you are lucky enough to have a successful union; you learn to live with the give and take, the shared responsibilities, the negotiations, and by taking the good with the difficult to provide a meaningful day-to-day way of spending your life.
I have discussed the two most important types of relationships one can have with another. But also one must look at friend and other family relationships as well. I'll not talk about this here but you can think through that on your own.
When Dementia / Alzheimer's come into the relationship with your parent, the responsibilities of "who is in charge" changes. With your spouse, the partnership slowly dissolves into a one-sided managed situation.
I have thought carefully about the differences if only because the day to day "advice" I would give for dealing with the situation, most likely would be defined or suggested by your relationship to the person who has received the diagnosis. I will not go into the types of thinking necessary for any of the different relationships but tailor my comments to anyone dealing with being part of the caregiving team created to support the diagnosis of Dementia/Alzheimer's.
But one more digression first. Most advice that I could give will seem trite. The person receiving the advice will most likely feel that I do not really understand their situation. For the information I might share to become real, the person must learn it, feel it, accept it themselves. One cannot tell another what to think let alone how to feel or what to do. One can only advise.
Hopefully, hearing some of this advice (and much of it is what I read about or have been told by others over time) will "light up" again once you have had time to process it, experience it, understand it, really need it. If you decide to own it as your own, then it will feel less banal and more applicable to you.
RESPECT the person. No matter what changes they go through. Find a way to help them continue to keep their "personhood" even as their abilities fail.
Be aware of the RIGHTS of the person diagnosed. As possible always respect their rights to be who they are, to make decisions for themselves or at least to participate in making those decisions, to live their lives in the ways they choose. Also be aware that sometimes and/or eventually, their rights must be disregarded but always must be done ethically, with love and respect, and only in their interests (not your own) for safety and health reasons.
BE PATIENT with the person. Their processing and understanding of the day to day activities of life, both mental and physical, are changing. The cognitive abilities are slowing down and/or the connections are no longer as easily made and eventually no longer exist.
CONTROL ANGER, as best as you can. Imagine that the person diagnosed is slowly living life backwards, losing what they have learned, and once again becoming more of a child. But what complicates the matter, is that they are becoming a child again but in an adult's body with an adult's worth of experiences and knowledge that will be at a wide range of various and changing levels of availability to them. How you would treat a very young child as they grow with wonder at the world around them is similar to how you must treat the person who is slowly losing this wonder.
REALIZE IT IS THE DISEASE, not the person who you are continuing to love and trying help. If they get angry with you, it is the illness. If they strike out, it is the illness. If they need you to repeat something for the hundredth time, it is the illness, not the person!
BE FLEXIBLE. As the diagnosed person's needs change, so must their environment change. Every day might need a different approach to almost every possible activity: toileting, grooming, eating, dressing, spending time, sleeping, etc.
Be SELFISH. Most people will be taken back by this term but I maintain that if you do not take care of your SELF, you will not have the energy or health to give to another. Find ways to relax, to refresh yourself, to get away for a short period of time, to make sure you visit your own doctor as needed, to enjoy yourself as you can.
ASK FOR HELP. This is a difficult one. First of all, it does not mean that you are weak or not doing a good job. Second, finding ways to involve other people who love you and love the person diagnosed is not easy. Everyone else had a life and most are oversubscribed. But there are ways that others can help to lighten your day-to-day.
YOU CAN DO THIS, what choice do you have, really. Hopefully, with support from family, friends, your religion if you embrace one, your therapist, your neighbors, a group of people in a support group or online chat room ... you can find a support system that works for you. You will be strong and find resources to keep going. Love will help. Kindness will help. Being good to yourself even though you are devastated will help.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. So many others, in the U.S. over five and a half million are living with Dementia / Alzheimer's. Sixteen million people are in addition to their own self, providing care.
WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL: It will "GET BETTER" ... but sometimes better is not on this side of life. We all will die. For some of us, it will be easy, quick, and/or unexpected to die. For others, it will be anticipated, slow, and/or very painful to die.
Usually, the parent wins the race to death. With a spouse, one or the other will win the race. Interestingly, the person diagnosed with Dementia does not always win the race! For everyone, we will grieve the loss of someone we love. Talking about death helps, in the long run, to ease the mystery of death. Conversations with the person dying and being there for and with them helps.
The biggest mystery of life is death. We think about it and fear it from the first time, as a child, we begin to have intelligent thoughts. Hopefully, its mystery also allows us to live a meaningful, fulfilled life with respect, love, and understanding for others.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
My thoughts to myself, as I gather my about to be given "advice," is that there is a world of difference between a person's spouse and a person's parent. The relationships are different. The intimacies are different. The experiences shared are different. The way in which care will be delivered, both the caregiver's and the caregivee's needs are and will continue to be different.
With your parent, the relationship began when you were first born. It may have been an easy relationship or a difficult one. You had no choice as to who that parent would be and short of acting out and/or running away from home, you had no control over that relationship. Usually, the parent leads and the child follows. The parent has the power and the child has none.
It is said that the most important part of the parent/child experience is the child's slowly working to leave the parent and become independent. If you can do this successfully, the parent and child relationship can begin to move more towards one of friendship and mutual respect.
With your spouse, you elected to begin the relationship. There were the things you had in common, interests and experiences shared, and hopefully, the growth over time was two-sided. The passion and lust grew into love. The partnership was forged in a way that was negotiated, supported both your needs, your partner's needs, and the needs of your children if you chose to have them.
If you are lucky enough to have a successful union; you learn to live with the give and take, the shared responsibilities, the negotiations, and by taking the good with the difficult to provide a meaningful day-to-day way of spending your life.
I have discussed the two most important types of relationships one can have with another. But also one must look at friend and other family relationships as well. I'll not talk about this here but you can think through that on your own.
When Dementia / Alzheimer's come into the relationship with your parent, the responsibilities of "who is in charge" changes. With your spouse, the partnership slowly dissolves into a one-sided managed situation.
I have thought carefully about the differences if only because the day to day "advice" I would give for dealing with the situation, most likely would be defined or suggested by your relationship to the person who has received the diagnosis. I will not go into the types of thinking necessary for any of the different relationships but tailor my comments to anyone dealing with being part of the caregiving team created to support the diagnosis of Dementia/Alzheimer's.
But one more digression first. Most advice that I could give will seem trite. The person receiving the advice will most likely feel that I do not really understand their situation. For the information I might share to become real, the person must learn it, feel it, accept it themselves. One cannot tell another what to think let alone how to feel or what to do. One can only advise.
Hopefully, hearing some of this advice (and much of it is what I read about or have been told by others over time) will "light up" again once you have had time to process it, experience it, understand it, really need it. If you decide to own it as your own, then it will feel less banal and more applicable to you.
RESPECT the person. No matter what changes they go through. Find a way to help them continue to keep their "personhood" even as their abilities fail.
Be aware of the RIGHTS of the person diagnosed. As possible always respect their rights to be who they are, to make decisions for themselves or at least to participate in making those decisions, to live their lives in the ways they choose. Also be aware that sometimes and/or eventually, their rights must be disregarded but always must be done ethically, with love and respect, and only in their interests (not your own) for safety and health reasons.
BE PATIENT with the person. Their processing and understanding of the day to day activities of life, both mental and physical, are changing. The cognitive abilities are slowing down and/or the connections are no longer as easily made and eventually no longer exist.
CONTROL ANGER, as best as you can. Imagine that the person diagnosed is slowly living life backwards, losing what they have learned, and once again becoming more of a child. But what complicates the matter, is that they are becoming a child again but in an adult's body with an adult's worth of experiences and knowledge that will be at a wide range of various and changing levels of availability to them. How you would treat a very young child as they grow with wonder at the world around them is similar to how you must treat the person who is slowly losing this wonder.
REALIZE IT IS THE DISEASE, not the person who you are continuing to love and trying help. If they get angry with you, it is the illness. If they strike out, it is the illness. If they need you to repeat something for the hundredth time, it is the illness, not the person!
BE FLEXIBLE. As the diagnosed person's needs change, so must their environment change. Every day might need a different approach to almost every possible activity: toileting, grooming, eating, dressing, spending time, sleeping, etc.
Be SELFISH. Most people will be taken back by this term but I maintain that if you do not take care of your SELF, you will not have the energy or health to give to another. Find ways to relax, to refresh yourself, to get away for a short period of time, to make sure you visit your own doctor as needed, to enjoy yourself as you can.
ASK FOR HELP. This is a difficult one. First of all, it does not mean that you are weak or not doing a good job. Second, finding ways to involve other people who love you and love the person diagnosed is not easy. Everyone else had a life and most are oversubscribed. But there are ways that others can help to lighten your day-to-day.
YOU CAN DO THIS, what choice do you have, really. Hopefully, with support from family, friends, your religion if you embrace one, your therapist, your neighbors, a group of people in a support group or online chat room ... you can find a support system that works for you. You will be strong and find resources to keep going. Love will help. Kindness will help. Being good to yourself even though you are devastated will help.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. So many others, in the U.S. over five and a half million are living with Dementia / Alzheimer's. Sixteen million people are in addition to their own self, providing care.
WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL: It will "GET BETTER" ... but sometimes better is not on this side of life. We all will die. For some of us, it will be easy, quick, and/or unexpected to die. For others, it will be anticipated, slow, and/or very painful to die.
Usually, the parent wins the race to death. With a spouse, one or the other will win the race. Interestingly, the person diagnosed with Dementia does not always win the race! For everyone, we will grieve the loss of someone we love. Talking about death helps, in the long run, to ease the mystery of death. Conversations with the person dying and being there for and with them helps.
The biggest mystery of life is death. We think about it and fear it from the first time, as a child, we begin to have intelligent thoughts. Hopefully, its mystery also allows us to live a meaningful, fulfilled life with respect, love, and understanding for others.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
I Lash Out, I Rage
Do you know about "Work Oppressive Dreams?" I continue to have them some twenty years after having retired from teaching. They are of the type where I show up at school having left the exams at home, or not being prepared for the day's lessons, or forgetting to have put on my pants.
This dream had to do with Gregory. I dream about him a lot. In the beginning, he was in his diminished state and he was just present in the dream. Slowly he regained his abilities, cognitive and physical, and his presence and interaction in the dreams were closer to "the old Gregory."
In last night's dream, I pulled up in front of the condo and we were unloading the car. In the dream, Gregory had reverted to his previous lower functioning level. I got the cart from the lobby to unload the car and when I returned he was nowhere to be seen. I panicked.
Turns out he had gone ahead up to the condo, without my seeing and without mentioning anything to me. When I got to the condo and discovered he was there I blew. My heart was beating a mile a minute (in the dream as well I am sure.)
I proceeded (I will admit this) to yell at him and to "beat him up." Slapping, hitting, shoving ... but not so hard that I would hurt him but rather hurt his ego. Perhaps I wanted him to know that what he did was not a good idea and perhaps my anger would help him know not to do that again. (Poor rationale!)
It felt very much like watching a parent spank a child who ran into the street and was narrowly hit by a car. The kid almost dies so the parent hits him and punishes him?
I woke up heavy with the dream on my mind. I cried and felt so badly that three years and three months after Gregory's death, I still had so much anger and rage in me and that I acted in a mean, punishing, embarrassing, inappropriate, and uncalled for way.
Fairly quickly, I was able to dismiss the guilt. I understood that sometimes hidden emotions surface before they can be on their way. But I was heavy with the experience and often that is when my best poetryt "composes itself" for me. So at 4:30 AM, I got up and went to my computer to compose this poem:
This dream had to do with Gregory. I dream about him a lot. In the beginning, he was in his diminished state and he was just present in the dream. Slowly he regained his abilities, cognitive and physical, and his presence and interaction in the dreams were closer to "the old Gregory."
In last night's dream, I pulled up in front of the condo and we were unloading the car. In the dream, Gregory had reverted to his previous lower functioning level. I got the cart from the lobby to unload the car and when I returned he was nowhere to be seen. I panicked.
Turns out he had gone ahead up to the condo, without my seeing and without mentioning anything to me. When I got to the condo and discovered he was there I blew. My heart was beating a mile a minute (in the dream as well I am sure.)
I proceeded (I will admit this) to yell at him and to "beat him up." Slapping, hitting, shoving ... but not so hard that I would hurt him but rather hurt his ego. Perhaps I wanted him to know that what he did was not a good idea and perhaps my anger would help him know not to do that again. (Poor rationale!)
It felt very much like watching a parent spank a child who ran into the street and was narrowly hit by a car. The kid almost dies so the parent hits him and punishes him?
I woke up heavy with the dream on my mind. I cried and felt so badly that three years and three months after Gregory's death, I still had so much anger and rage in me and that I acted in a mean, punishing, embarrassing, inappropriate, and uncalled for way.
Fairly quickly, I was able to dismiss the guilt. I understood that sometimes hidden emotions surface before they can be on their way. But I was heavy with the experience and often that is when my best poetryt "composes itself" for me. So at 4:30 AM, I got up and went to my computer to compose this poem:
Normalcy Violated
I work so hard to keep our life as normal as possible.
Then something happens to show me it is not normal.
To remind me that it is not normal. That Dementia rules.
And I react. I freak out. I act in ways for which I know better.
I love you so. And I mistreat you because I love you so.
And I lash out. I rage. I rage and lash out verbally. Physically.
I hit you, slap you, punish you. Abusivey without thinking.
Because I want our life to be normal, And I am shown it is not.
Because I want our life to be normal, And I am shown it is not.
I want you to be safe, I want our life to be normal.
I do not want you to be frightened or confused or frustrated.
So I lash out. I hit you. I slap you. I punish you.
And then I apologize. And I cry. And you cry. And I love you.
When normalcy disappears I freak out. I am surprised. I lash out.
And as much as I love you, it is not enough to just love you.
It should be enough, but it is not enough and I lash out and I freak out
And I apologize. And I am so sorry. And I cry. And you cry. And we love each other.
That should be enough but sometimes it is not enough and I lash out.
When will I learn? Maybe next time. Maybe next time?
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
On the Occassion of Isaac and Jessie's, My God Children's Wedding
LOVE and MARRIAGE
Wishes to Isaac Bloom and Jessie Liang, Jessie Liang and Isaac Bloom,
On the occasion of their wedding, Friday, October 5, 2018.
By Michael Horvich
From my heart, some thoughts as you are about to agree to marry …
You will continue to be separate individuals but will be living in a world of togetherness. You must continue to grow as individuals but now you will also have the opportunity to grow as a couple.
Some growth will be person specific, sometimes one of you a little ahead of the other and sometimes a little behind but never too far from each other. Different friends, different likes and dislikes, different activities, apart time. The growth will take you in separate directions and this is good.
Some growth will be couple specific, continuing on a parallel track and in the same direction, hand in hand, and this too is good. Friends, likes, dislikes, activities, together time; things that you both enjoy.
For a union to be successful, I strongly believe that both types of growth must take place.
Here is a little more advice which I believe will help you as you both grow on both paths.
“Self” is made up of everything you have ever thought, been told, said, seen. It is made up of everything you have ever witnessed, experienced, & more. Therefore, “Self” does not have an individual identity. Your “Self” is not just your personal beliefs. It is the total of and a reflection of every person and experience you know and have known. This has been true from the day you were born and will go on until the day you die. This began when you were a babe in arms, continued as a child, and a teen, and a young adult. This took place before you even realized that you had the power to accept or reject what people what you saw or what you heard.
To become a fully actualized person, you must now realize and accept that you do have the power to change your “Self.” To do so, one must “triage" their belief system. Mindfully rethink your beliefs as they come up, keep the ones with which you agree. Toss the ones with which you disagree. Rethink those of which you are not sure.
Now that you are agreeing to marry, not only the “Self” but also “Love” is moderated, by those very same things and conditions. Sometimes those moderations are helpful. Sometimes they are not. To have a fully actualized marriage, you must now realize and accept that you have the power to make changes in your beliefs. As a couple, you will need to jointly “triage” your “what is a “Marriage Belief Systems” as well. In this way, they will be more closely in synchronization.
This is sometimes an easy process and sometimes a painful one. Saying goodbye to old beliefs is always a little difficult. Saying hello to new beliefs always a little frightening. But more frightening and risk-taking is NOT making changes.
In addition, to be successful, Gregory and I learned that COMMUNICATION and RESPECT are the key factors in our relationship. The willingness to not only LISTEN but also to HEAR each other figures in as well. We were able to NEGOTIATE and RENEGOTIATE our relationship, our RESPONSIBILITIES to each other, and our day to day housekeeping DUTIES as we grew and changed and our needs and lives changed. Sometimes Gregory needed to lead and other times it was my job to lead. Sometimes “roles were subject to change on a moment’s notice!” Also, we NEVER went to bed angry and NEVER walked out on each other until an argument/disagreement was settled or at least we mutually agreed to put the argument on hold.
I believe that you two will have a wonderful (although sometimes it will be rocky) future ahead of you. You have already experienced some of that rockiness so it will not come as a surprise. If anything because of it, you will be able to approach new difficulties with greater strength, greater resolve, and therefore greater LOVE.
Congratulations on choosing change!
Fondly, Michael (and Gregory)
Thursday, July 5, 2018
Rock, Paper, Scissors
Shared by a psychiatrist friend. Something to think about.
Anger, fear and sadness play scissors paper rock with each other.
In the absence of resentment, the sharpness of anger cuts through the blanket of fear; the blanket of fear comforts and soothes the rock of sadness; the rock of sadness hones the sharpness of anger.
With resentment, anger becomes rage, fear becomes immobilizing, sadness becomes despair.
But in the absence of resentment, anger becomes courage, fear becomes respect, and sadness becomes grief.
-adapted from Ernie Kurtz, The Spirituality of Imperfection
-shared by Steve Farmilant
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