Unhappiness and Regrets

"We're not just here for ourselves. We are here for others. All we've got is each other. We have to help each other struggle through until we die. Then we are done. No point in making ourselves unhappy and making others unhappy too." (From "After Life" on Netflix written by and starring Ricky Gervais.)

Ann's comments: "Am I happy? Yes! I had the most wonderful life with Stan, and I have all those memories. That is all we really are anyway, memories. And Stan had a wonderful life too. He isn't in any pain and doesn't even know it's over. Hah. 

"I do. But I would rather live missing him than I would want him to live missing me. I love him that much. I wouldn't change anything. If I went back and changed one thing I didn't like, I might loose something that that bad thing eventually took me to. I didn't regret anything or think, well, if I went back, I might do this or I might do that."

This brief, six episode series on Netflix streaming carries most of life's lessons in less than three hours: love, loss, anger, unhappiness, depression, drug use, Alzheimer's, Cancer, and back to love!

Decades Come and Decades Go

Below is a list of the "positives" of my life and the seeming "negatives." The negatives I am working on and recently decided to return to sessions with Peter, my therapist. While I have so much for which to be grateful, so many wonderful and supportive friends and family, so many exciting projects - personal as well as altruistic, I feel a pall of sadness following me through it all.

Gregory's two-year passing anniversary is nearing, October 4th, and while it has become easier I continue to grieve the loss. I miss him so. Maybe what I grieve is living my life alone without my best friend, or just getting older I grieve my youth. I shared all of this with my niece Colleen during her visit last weekend and she lovingly asked me to remove the last item on Page #2. 

I replied the following: Sure. Remove the item in question. I know that I am not biding my time … but I do know it is lurking there in the future. At my age, the end is closer rather than farther but how grateful I am that I have had all this time to enjoy and work with life and I look forward to what lies ahead!

The decades get more difficult to spend when you are older. I am ... and hopefully will be able to continue "spending" them wisely. 

40 to 50 is frightening but no big deal.

50 to 60 is surreal but tolerable.

60 to 70 is unbelievable, how did I get here so quickly.

Now comes the tough part. 70 to 80, like wow. I am still alert, aware, agile, somewhat productive although certainly slower than I was.

80 to 90? Wow! If I AM still alert, aware, agile and somewhat productive that will be not only a blessing but in many ways a miracle. 

THEN 90 to 100? Ouch.

So while I know (and hope) that my death is not imminent, the decades may be responsible for the “pall” I discussed with you, getting older gracefully is not easy but I am working at it!

POSITIVES: (* = while positve, also creates stress)

* Memoirs

* Alzheimer’s: The Musical

* Alzheimer’s: The Poetic Opera

   Guest Columns in Windy City Times

   Board Member Floating Opera Company

   Floating Opera Incubator

* Added Michael’s Museum Collections possibility

* Reverend Michael in D.C. (October) wedding of God Daughter Whitney

   San Pancho Mexico (January)

   Michael’s Recent Alzheimer’s Presentations:
          Northshore Univ Health Division of Palliative Care and Hospice, 
          United Methodist Church of LaGrange Illinois,
          University of Chicago Middle School Students,
          Lieberman Center for Health and Rehabilitation,
          Sherman Plaza Book and Social Club, 
          Dementia Alliance International Australia,
          Pritzker School of Medicine,
          Northwestern University Kellogg Graduate School of Business,
          Battle Creek Alzheimer's Association, and
          Battle Creek Congregational Church.

   Friends over Dinner

   Attend Theater/Opera/Musicals

   Entertaining

   Out of Town Guests

   Meditation (Daily)

   * Buddhist Retreat (August)

   Continued Condo Refinement

   Publishing Gregory’s writing posthumously

   Volume III of “Sit With Me A While” poetry

   “A Relationship of Writers: A writing memoir with Chris Peterson”
   Continued feelings of gratitude and joy

NEGATIVES (stated positively?:)

—Gregory’s Remains Dispersal

—Regular Meals

—Disciplined Food Choices

—Weight loss

—Exercise

—Therapy 

—Urologist 

—Rheumatologist 

—Travel

—More ambition

—Rather stay at home

—Naps

—Avoiding Depression

—Identifying feeling sad - Pall

—More crying but less overwhelmed

—Different attitudes towards friends 

—BIDING MY TIME UNTIL I DIE?

It's Been A While ...

Dear Gregory,

It has been a while since I stopped to think about, process, share my feelings and emotions with you (and with myself for that matter.) For some reason I have been feeling a little depressed, NOT dysfunctional, but grieving your leaving once again. Maybe the "up" feelings of being on the west coast, being in San Francisco and the excitement of the documentary and Pride celebrations; spending time with Pat, the God-Family, and renewing the friendship with Les and Irv; has caused me to be missing you more.

It just seems to be stronger in my thoughts that I am here at the condo alone and that you are dead. I haven't been hysterical or overwhelmed but feel like I could be if I let myself. So I thank my emotions and ask them to come back another day when I feel more up to dealing with them. Scenarios of difficult times float past my memory. While it is understandable, on the way back from taking out the recycling just now I found myself talking outloud in the hall saying, "I would really rather cry over thinking of the joyful times, the happy times, the good times and not be sad about the difficult times."

As Isaac so sagely put it, and it still seems to hold true, "The intensity of our twelve years living with Alzheimer's takes priority over the longevity of our forty-one years together." The fact that I cannot roll over during the night and hold you, that I cannot hold your hand or kiss you, that I can no longer nurture and take care of you, that we cannot share our experiences, travel together, share a meal; these all weigh on me.

I buy flowers for myself pretending they are for you, I buy dark chocolate for myself believing they are for you and in some ways they are. But the physicality is not the same. When I am about to off on an adventure I hear you say, "Can I come along?" So I take the little bronze bear amulet, which contains a little of you, and pop it into my pocket. I wish you a goodnight each bedtime and thank you and my Spirit Guides for a good day. But I miss you!

And each day IS a good day. I can do as much or as little as I choose. I can do what I want, when I want, with myself or with a friend. I can eat whatever I want to each at home or at a restaurant. I can watch TV programs or not according to my whim. I do not need to negotiate with ANYONE on how I want to spend my life. There is nothing in my life that I do not like or that I dread doing. Each day IS a good day, and for that I am grateful.

But you are not here with me and that colors everything. Your absence doesn't change the colors to shades of gray but they are definitely not as bright as they could be. I am working on the "what's next" in my life and that also makes me feel a little lonely. I used to say I felt lonely as you slowly lost the ability to be present for and with me but I did not really know what lonely really felt like until you, however greatly diminished in ability, died. Death is forever, grief is forever ... I did not really understand that until October 4, 2015. For those of us left, life feels like it will go on forever but a little voice in the background whispers, "No, not possible. Get your act together, life is passing."

Panchamaya Kosha Session Three

This session dealt with the MENTAL-EMOTIONAL BODY. Through various Yoga moves and breathing exercises, ending up with a Yoga Nidra rest, we looked at this part of ourselves.  This is a level deeper in our BODY/SELF than the outermost PHYSICAL BODY and then the next in ENERGY BODY.

Corinne talked about emotions, using joy and sorrow as examples, on a continuum. I have used this model of thinking about emotions for a while now so it was welcome to hear her interpretation.

As we experience and live our life, we are in constant motion back and forth on the continuum between JOY and SORROW, that is part of being human.

If we are too far to the side of JOY the emotion becomes ANXIETY. If we are too far to the side of SORROW the emotion becomes DEPRESSION.

If we accept that we are in CONSTANT motion we can try to keep a balance of our emotions.

If we feel the need to CONTROL the emotions or bring them to CENTER, we add more STRESS to the emotions. 

We can and should allow ourself to embrace and experience the emotions and to look at what they might be trying to tell us.

We can and should also allow ourself to postpone the feelings and place the emotions on hold until we are ready to take a closer look.

During this third session, we practiced feeling joy and then feeling its opposite, sadness. When Corinne suggested we feel both at the same time, I struggled and felt it could not be done. 

But then I pictured the two emotions dancing together in circles and realized that while difficult, it could be done.

Next Corinne guided us to see where on the continuum, as we switched back and forth between JOY and SORROW, we were feeling each emotion. Interesting was that I was feeling their location slide up and down, NOT left and right on a continuum. 

I felt JOY in my heart, chest, and lungs. I felt SORROW in my gut, my stomach, my bowels. As we switched back and forth I felt my focus raise and lower.

Finally, another ancient secret way of counting. This one takes you up to 12 or 24 with both hands. (By counting in a spiral you are also embracing the circle of life.) 

The handout says: "... a helpful way of keeping your attention focused on your practice ― insuring that your mind stays with the present moment rather than drifting into thoughts of the past of future."

P.S. Last week, when we began our Yoga Nidra rest, Corinne suggested we think about making an INTENTION for the practice. 

At first I was going to have it be for Gregory, who just before the session had a traumatic experience trying to take a hot water shower for the first time at Lieberman. Up until now he had been given "navy or sponge baths." 

I wanted them to try a full shower and was there to help. He panicked, became hostile, and we immediately discontinued our effort to get him into the shower. 

He calmed easily, received a sponge bath, was put into clean clothes and by fifteen minutes later was OK again.

But interestingly enough, instead of setting the INTENTION for him, I decided that Gregory was OK, being well taken care of.  

With my own recent growth and life changes regarding my body and health,  I made the reclaiming of my body and health the intention for that practice. 

Parallel to the decision I realized what an amazing spurt of emotional, mental, and physical growth I have shown over the last month of so. I was nurturing myself and that felt good.