On the Occassion of Isaac and Jessie's, My God Children's Wedding

LOVE and MARRIAGE

Wishes to Isaac Bloom and Jessie Liang,  Jessie Liang and Isaac Bloom,

On the occasion of their wedding, Friday, October 5, 2018.

By Michael Horvich

From my heart, some thoughts as you are about to agree to marry … 

You will continue to be separate individuals but will be living in a world of togetherness. You must continue to grow as individuals but now you will also have the opportunity to grow as a couple. 

Some growth will be person specific, sometimes one of you a little ahead of the other and sometimes a little behind but never too far from each other. Different friends, different likes and dislikes, different activities, apart time. The growth will take you in separate directions and this is good. 

Some growth will be couple specific, continuing on a parallel track and in the same direction, hand in hand, and this too is good. Friends, likes, dislikes, activities, together time; things that you both enjoy.

For a union to be successful, I strongly believe that both types of growth must take place.

Here is a little more advice which I believe will help you as you both grow on both paths.

“Self” is made up of everything you have ever thought, been told, said, seen. It is made up of everything you have ever witnessed, experienced, & more. Therefore, “Self” does not have an individual identity. Your “Self” is not just your personal beliefs. It is the total of and a reflection of every person and experience you know and have known. This has been true from the day you were born and will go on until the day you die. This began when you were a babe in arms, continued as a child, and a teen, and a young adult. This took place before you even realized that you had the power to accept or reject what people what you saw or what you heard.

To become a fully actualized person, you must now realize and accept that you do have the power to change your “Self.” To do so, one must “triage" their belief system. Mindfully rethink your beliefs as they come up, keep the ones with which you agree. Toss the ones with which you disagree. Rethink those of which you are not sure.

Now that you are agreeing to marry, not only the “Self” but also “Love” is moderated, by those very same things and conditions. Sometimes those moderations are helpful. Sometimes they are not. To have a fully actualized marriage, you must now realize and accept that you have the power to make changes in your beliefs. As a couple, you will need to jointly “triage” your “what is a “Marriage Belief Systems” as well. In this way, they will be more closely in synchronization. 

This is sometimes an easy process and sometimes a painful one. Saying goodbye to old beliefs is always a little difficult. Saying hello to new beliefs always a little frightening. But more frightening and risk-taking is NOT making changes.

In addition, to be successful, Gregory and I learned that COMMUNICATION and RESPECT are the key factors in our relationship. The willingness to not only LISTEN but also to HEAR each other figures in as well. We were able to NEGOTIATE and RENEGOTIATE our relationship, our RESPONSIBILITIES to each other, and our day to day housekeeping DUTIES as we grew and changed and our needs and lives changed. Sometimes Gregory needed to lead and other times it was my job to lead. Sometimes “roles were subject to change on a moment’s notice!” Also, we NEVER went to bed angry and NEVER walked out on each other until an argument/disagreement was settled or at least we mutually agreed to put the argument on hold. 

I believe that you two will have a wonderful (although sometimes it will be rocky) future ahead of you. You have already experienced some of that rockiness so it will not come as a surprise. If anything because of it, you will be able to approach new difficulties with greater strength, greater resolve, and therefore greater LOVE.

Congratulations on choosing change!

Fondly, Michael (and Gregory)

EGO

This post is based on an e-mail from my niece regarding a post in the DAILY OM by Madison Taylor

DAILY OM: 

The Ego By: Madison Taylor (www.dailyom.com) The ego is simply a way for us to understand and attend to ourselves, at the same time as we understand and attend to the world around us. In most spiritual circles, the ego gets a pretty bad rap. The reason for this is that the ego, to some extent, is the principle in our psyches that separates us from one another, while the spirit is the principle that shows us that no such separation exists. Sometimes the ego is depicted as an almost demonic figure that keeps us from realizing our true nature. But at its most basic, the ego is simply a tool that helps us organize the various aspects of our personality so that we can function in the world. In this sense, the ego is simply a way for us to understand and attend to ourselves at the same time as we understand and attend to the world around us. The ego is a tool that we use to navigate the world. Perhaps the problem is that the ego sometimes gets out of control. This happens when the higher self loses control of the psyche. The psyche then falls under the leadership of the ego, an entity that was never meant to lead. The ego is meant to be definitively in the service of the higher self. When this relationship is functioning, the ego is a useful intermediary representing the whole self but not thinking that it is the whole self. Then, it is almost as if the ego is the self playfully pretending to be the separate entity called "I." Like an actor, the ego plays the roles that the world asks us to play in order to be part of the program. In this way, the ego can be a tool enabling us to be in the world but not of it. As long as we are in touch with our higher selves, our egos are not a threat. They are simply useful tools in the service of spirit. We keep our egos in check when we continually nurture our awareness of who we really are. Then our egos are free to serve without trying ineffectually to rule. It is healthy to have ego, but like all things in life, ego functions best when it is in balance and harmony with your whole self.

EMAIL:

This is so NOT how I was taught in school (behaviorist theories) or in real life.  Even my therapist preaches that our biggest problems are not caused by external factors but from our own attitude, selfishness, and self-absorption.  Do you ever feel overwhelmed by it all?  

MY REPLY

I find the whole understanding of EGO and its purpose/function confusing. 

I believe EGO, based on your comments, is the way we deal with those “external factors” which affect “our own attitude, selfishness, and self-absorption which in fact we ARE controlling.

The EGO is what defines the “self” or “I” which is based on what others think of us, how they respond to us, and what they tell us. This is not necessarily the truth but our interpretation of the truth? Does this make sense?

When our "truths" are challenged, the EGO fights to hold on to them. Change is hard and the EGO is a way to protect us from having to change?

Buddhism talks about “emptiness” which is in effect who we are BEFORE we make all these judgments (thus spirit?) based on probably false data from society, parents, relatives, educators, religious figures, friends, etc. 

I have talked before about the need for triage, as adults, to sort out those things we were told and came to believe as children (when we were powerless or even realized that we potentially had the power to disagree and form our own opinions.) 

The triage consists of looking at the various believes of self and keeping, tossing, or needing to do more thinking about those aspects. Most adults do not do this or even realize that they can. They carry all this baggage and just accept it as TRUTH when in fact it is not.

The key to being a mature, actualized adult (at peace with themselves) depends on this ability to triage

Writing Less

I seem to be writing less about general things as I write more about Alzheimer's Disease and Michael's Museum. Both of these are taking a lot of time and effort from me, both a labor of love but also a drain. Carmen, the current opera in which I am appearing at The Lyric Opera of Chicago, makes me sound like a prima donna doesn't it, is also taking time and love but that will end by my birthday on March 27th. This just in time to celebrate not only my 66th birthday (which I think I would prefer to let quietly slip by) but also the first anniversary of my mother's death. And this will take time and effort. I yearn for some empty time away from what I know I would end up carrying with me anyway. No escape. Will need to do some work on this.

Sometimes At Night

Sometimes at night
As I am drifting off to sleep
I feel the truth
Lingering just out of reach.

I cannot define it
I cannot explain it
I cannot hold on to it for long
But it speaks to me with clarity and love

Perhaps it is my true self
Watching me carefully grow
And come to grips with the life around me
As I throw off my shoulds and oughts

I cannot define it
I cannot explain it
I cannot hold on to it for long
But it speaks to me with clarity and love

I wish it welcome when it breezes past
I embrace it when it brushes by
I hold it lightly as it slips through my fingers
I so want it to stay.

I cannot define it
I cannot explain it
I cannot hold on to it for long
But it speaks to me with clarity and love.

I will wait its return
With quiet resolve
I will listen so closely as it whispers its truth
And I know I will succeed in living.