Building a Practice

Wrote this to a friend and wanted to share it with a larger audience.

Bill,

I have been thinking about this for several days. We had a great talk about your feelings of worthlessness especially working for such a huge company like xxx and your need to be “The Best Little Boy.” You had some great insights into why after so many successes in life you still feel that you are not pushing hard enough and/or that you are not good enough! I had some comments about your Grandfather and your dad.

So the question is: Have you been continuing to mindfully work on this issue? Or have you just tucked it away and gotten on with life? I understand the latter approach but to create a new feeling, a new attitude, a new practice; one must meditate on the answer. One must sit with these feelings, out in the open, and see what lessons they can teach you.

When the football is coming at you is no time to practice catching and running for the final touchdown in front of a stadium full of people. The time to practice is before the pressure of the game and the arrival of the audience who is watching.

Holding a self-confidence that does not depend on constant performance and that does not allow past, no longer viable triggers to trigger old feelings, attitudes, and behaviors ... depends on changing deep, long-held, most likely incorrect convictions. Practice, practice, practice.

As I said, sit with the emotions even if they are painful company. Develop new ways of thinking and often repeat them to yourself. Create new mantras to remind and support you. Then, once the Practice of New Thinking comes easily, and when old triggers no longer are needed, and if old triggers do arise no longer create havoc; then one can drop the issue because in essence, it really no longer exists!

Love you,

Michael

Gregory Lives in My Grief

Last night before bedtime, while listening to a guided meditation podcast on grief by my guru Corinne Peterson, I arrived at this thought: Gregory lives in my grief. Therefore I will keep it.

At first, this didn't sound right. Shouldn't he live on with thoughts of joy and memories of all the wonderful, loving times we spent arm in arm over the 41 years we were together? 

I can easily pull up the milestones of our relationship which far outnumber the millstones, but somehow when I am thinking about him, he arrives with feelings of grief. This sounds so negative and shouldn't our relationship provide so much more than grief?

With being so isolated during this COVID 19 Pandemic, having chosen to keep to myself in the condo for the last 37 days, going out only a few times (for groceries, to pick up a prescription, and to go to a doctors appointment) I have been missing Gregory even more than usual.

The isolation has provided a quiet, peaceful, still space for me to be with myself. My "voices" are not being as loud and my daily activities are not being as active so as to distract me from my being able to hear and feel who, intrinsically, I am inside. So, I have been thinking about and missing Gregory more than usual.

Who I am inside is the pure, essence of who I am and not necessarily any of the roles or visions I hold for myself. We so often believe we are who others tell us we are or should be, or by making comparisons to others in our life.

From the time we were children, important and powerful people in our lives have been shaping these thoughts and most often they are not true. But as children, we did not realize that we had any power let alone the power to disagree with our parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, relatives, teachers, religious leaders, neighbors, and even strangers when we heard comments they made about us.

Part of growing up is visible in the "power struggles" we have as tweens, teens, and young adults, with the sources of authority in our life. As adults, we forget about these power struggles, some of them have been successful and others not. As adults, most of us do not conscientiously think about these thoughts about the self we have been handed. What we need to do is begin to triage which thoughts do I no longer believe and therefor chose to toss out, which thoughts do I continue to believe, and which thoughts do I need to reconsider and think about some more?

To become a self-actualized adult, one must thoughtfully triage our ideas about ourselves, especially those based on the opinions of others. Many adults continue to live their lives with the old, often outdated ideas of self and like the child who wasn't even aware of having any power, the adult may not be aware that they have the ability to change the beliefs they have about themselves, again many of which are not true and based on the perceptions of others!

So here I am, thinking about my essence and the "pure me" in relation to why, when I think of Gregory, he "lives in my grief." 

Probably the most important lessons I learned from Gregory in our relationship were 1) respect for each other, 2) the importance of communication, 3) over time negotiating and renegotiating roles and expectations in the relationship, 4) having compassion for each other, others, and self, 5) keeping aware of gratitude for the good that comes our way, 6) while we cannot choose what comes our way, we can choose how we respond to them, and 7) when possible ... choose JOY over SORROW!

These lessons are all so important in the moving forward of successful unions between two people and without them, the relationship is doomed thus accounting for the high percentage of divorce in our society. So many love relationships never get past the passion, lust, and sex that first brought the two people together which is why those relationships fail.

But if you look closely at these lessons, you can see that they are all active, changing, and future pointing. Gregory, now gone from this physical plane, is no longer active, changing, and future pointing, he is static. I am still active, changing, and future pointing!

Yes, I am the sum total of everything I have thought, experienced, witnessed, learned, felt, and more and owe so much to Gregory and to our 41 years together.  We had so many loving, fun, exciting times together but I can no longer be with him, or hold him, or share with him, or talk to him. For sure I cannot bring him back and given the circumstances under which he left, I would not want him to come back in that condition. That would be selfish of me!

So the sorrow of his having lived with Dementia/Alzheimer's for 12 years, and the sorrow of the ordeal for both of us as I walked this path with him, and for the insidious nature of that journey; I grieve at the ordeal of what we went through, at his being gone and at missing him painfully. I continue to love him dearly and he figures into most everything I think about, what I do, and who I am ... but he is gone. He is in the past. I continue on in the present and into the future. 

So where does Gregory exist for me? In my memories and while that is wonderful, and while I am grateful for the time we were together, I grieve his having left and will probably grieve for the rest of my life. That does not mean I am depressed, or that I have given up, or that I am any less of me than when I was with him ... but he is gone ... and I miss him ... and continue to do so almost every moment of every day.

So Gregory lives in my grief and while I will not let the grief control my life, I will not let go of it either!

Finding Enlightenment

First, know that ENLIGHTENMENT is not something to achieve.
It is already there, living inside you, waiting to be discovered!
All you need to do is learn how to quiet the voices, past and present
that cause you to judge, to criticize, to evaluate ... others and yourself.

An actualized adult looks at beliefs and TRIAGES what they believe.
Some beliefs no longer are true for you, get rid of them, and forget them.
Some beliefs are still important to you, keep them and hold them with love.
Some beliefs you are not sure of, hold on to them, no pressure to decide.

It feels great to know that certain beliefs no longer are part of who you are.
But, careful, the triggers are still there and will bring back those beliefs.
Note those trigers, be aware of feelings, remind yourself of new choices.
Quiet yourself. Hear your own voices, not those of the past or of others.

Children believe what they are told by important people in our lives,
Parents, Grandparents, Priests, Teachers, Relatives, Neighbors, other adults.
Children we do not realize they have POWER, power to decide, to believe.
They accept what others tell us, by what we see, hear, read.

Other children: friends, and foes, also influence our beliefs and thoughts.
We like them and/or are bullied by them, we want to be liked by others.
We work to feel good, feel happy. We work to avoid feeling bad, unhappy.
Life is confusing; Children grow up without realizing they have power.

The purpose of childhood is to become INDEPENDENT of our parents.
To make our own life, our own decisions, our own happiness is our goal.
We also make our own misery, reinforcing our own poor self-image,
reinforcing our belief system which may or may not be still be true.

How do you QUIET yourself enough in today's busy, noisy world?
How do you take the constant barrage of contradictory pieces of information
and create an environment for at least a little piece of time in which you
can hear your own voices? Look at your own feelings and beliefs?

MEDITATE, is what you are told. What does that mean, how do I do that?
Meditation does not mean taking long periods of time out of your busy day.
It means taking a minute or two  and slowly building on how long.
If your goals are too ambitious you are setting yourself up for failure.

For a minute or two, maybe at the same time each day and same place,
concentrate on BREATHING. Breath in. It is good. Breath out. It is good.
Realize that everyone in the world is sharing this sacred moment with you.
As we all breath without much thinking we have a minute or two well spent!

Don't think you need to stop thinking! The mind is always thinking.
Focus on your breath, if your mind wanders, as it will, just make note
Bring it back to focus on your breathing. Don't linger on the thought.
Don't tell backstories just acknowledge it and refocus on your breathing.

Through meditation, you will find that slowly you will be able to relax.
You will be able to hear the voices deep within, the messages they bring,
not in the "mind wanderings" but in understandings that come after
the few minutes of meditation. Slowly build time, try to keep to the place.

You will find that EMOTIONS are not something to be controled,
but rather a barometer of your current life. Thank you emotions.
Sit quietly and ask what lessons your emotions have come to teach you.
Meditate and often the lessons will come automatically and easily.

Some lessons will not be easy. They will bring pain, discomfort, and tears.
Acknowlege them, you will feel better and be better at dealing with them.
Ask them to return later if you do not have time to spend with them, but do
invite them back. If you begin to solve them you will feel better about them!

Follow this advice, don't be hard on yourself, don't set high expectations.
Better low and met than high and punishing yourself. Meditate. Triage.
Say hello to your emotions and thank them. Ask what lessons they have.
Postpone if necessary but remember to invite them to return to visit later.

Enlightenment comes from deep within, it already exists within you.
Slow down, quiet down enough to listen, learn your lessons and to locate it!
You will be able to call up your new beliefs at will with more confidence.
The new thinking, the new understanding will serve you well.

The practice of catching a football during the middle of an important game,
with the ball coming at you, is not the best time to begin your practice.
Practice whenever and where ever you can. Practice often. Practice regularly.
Practice when under no pressure. Practice for a few moments a day.

You will find that when you have established a PRACTICE for yourself,
you will still drop the ball now and then but you will catch it more often
even when smack dab in the middle of the ongoing game called LIFE.
Your days will be filled with joy and love, self-confidence and growth!

Problems into Possibilities

Turning Problems into Possibilities

The moment you notice it, take hold of that mental affliction with your attention and purposefully turn it into an aspiration. It’s as though you see the mental affliction as raw material, the way a potter would view clay. You don’t see clay as a problem; you see it as an opportunity to create something. —Lama Kathy Wesley, “Your Mistakes Are Progress”

I would add "physical" affliction to "mental" affliction as raw material. To address both mental and physical, I have been actively making changes in my life. It feels good to actually be doing something about something I have been unhappy about! I am not taking the clay of my life and fashioning it into the opportunity to create a new sculpture of my life.

This approach to turning problems into possibilities also means turning around your thinking. If you wake up with a painful hip, notice it and turn it into I am working on treating my body in a way that makes my hip feel healthy and whole. It means being thankful for a positive outcome as though it has already manifested, and even better knowing that it has begun!

Previously, I believe, I wrote about some of the pangs of growing older, this post is a review for myself of the changes I have made to live the positive aspects of growing older.

My painful hips, knees, rotator cuffs, neck, lower back, etc. cause me to limit my activity. On waking, my hips and lower back are so painful as to make me feel "crippled." I sit in front of my computer for too long of a time and raise stiff and sometimes in pain. Stairs have become more difficult for me to climb: up and down!

Began with a Pulmonary Doctor who thought I had COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, involving constriction of the airways and difficulty or discomfort in breathing) but all my tests came back "normal." Yet I seem more easily out of breath. Carrying groceries in from the car, to the condo, and putting them away has become a more difficult task.

My sleeping habits have become erratic again and I nap for up to an hour almost every day. My weight is stable at "TOO MUCH!" Yet I have not been enjoying my meals. Sweets, pastries, etc have always been a downfall and Christmas Treats were no different.

I will not even go into changes and minor difficulties with bathroom activities!

But enough for the NEGATIVE side of me. There is also a VERY POSITIVE aspect to my life on which I am actively working and maybe it is just in time for the New Year, 2019, although I do not believe in New Year Resolutions. Those usually fail by January 15th!

I decided that I will grow older gracefully in those areas over which I have no control but will take in hand those over which I do. So I have begun to work harder on physical limitations that do not need to be so limiting. It feels good not only to have made this decision but to have been working on it now for over one month!

1) I am now working with a personal trainer. Our sessions have been so helpful to my overall body awareness and I engage in the stretching and movement even on days when she is not here. Yesterday, we decided to have her come to the condo twice a week if only because we are making so much progress. Once we get a routine in place in the condo, she will come with me to LA Fitness (downstairs of the condo) to see what I might do there to continue the good work we do (upstairs in the condo.)

2) My Guru, Corrine, introduced me to the trainer and Corrine will be working with me to develop some Yoga and Buddhist Meditations and Practices to compliment the work of the trainer. 

Here is a "Heartfelt Desires" page I developed on Corrine's recommention:

Heartfelt Desires

PART ONE: December 15, 2018 (Gray Font)

Working with Jessica Dare (Physical Trainer) and Corinne Peterson (Yoga Teacher/Guru,) I am setting down preliminary Heartfelt Desires for my Body Awareness, Movement, and Care Practice.

These desires are made in positive statements, with gratitude and thankfulness for their already being a chosen focus of my daily life, already being part of my experience, and already seeing progress accomplished.

PART TWO: December 21, 2018 (Black Font)

The next part of the process is to take each one and imagine it were already true, right now, in this moment. How would each feel in the body of it were true?

• • • • •

I am comfortable in my body and as a 73 year old, I look and feel good in my clothing.

Feeling better about myself, enjoying shopping for exciting new clothing, am proud of how I look, look forward to “dressing up” in sport coat etc. Confident in my presence with others.

My breathing is full and deep.

Energetic, doing more, getting out on every day activities as well as special ones in nature. Fairing well in all I attempt Not avoiding activities due to fear.

My energy is high and easily available.

My health is strong and free from illness and injury.

Facing each day knowing I am OK. Not working unnecessarily about “old age.” Looking forward to spending each day productively and positively.

My body movement and stretching, walking and exercise add to my all around good health and happiness.

Exercising regularly and daily. Looking forward to the day’s movement activities. Knowing that what I do adds to my overall health and therefore the ability to do what I want and to enjoy myself and my life. Doing things now that I have not been able to do in the recent past.

My eating habits are thoughtful and I am aware of how my choices affect my Heartfelt Desires.

Feeling good about what I eat and the decisions I make. Not feeling guilty about the decisions I make and or over the ones I know I should make but do not. Feeling comfortable not bloated or stomach sick.

I allow my eating choices to be at the “comfort food” level now and then, but keep these choices as the exception and not the rule.

Giving myself permission to eat for pleasure, but now and then, not all the time. Feeling the power of being able to make good eating decisions for myself. Feeling powerful in being part of the “solution” for myself, not the problem.

My strength, cardio, and flexibility health continue to improve as I continue to pay attention to these Heartfelt Desires.

Besides living well day to day, I am making my future potential life better. I am giving my body the chance to take care of me and allowing me to live longer and better. I am more active day to day as well as over time. I am able to do things I have not been able to do. I look forward to travel: in the U.S., in Europe, and in more challenging places like Asia.

• • • • •

I get a massage every other week, again very beneficial to my overall good health feeling and am thinking of increasing it to every week. Sarah, my massage therapist of 5+ years uses Thai Massage rather than table massage.

Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotions. The recipient remains clothed during treatment. There is constant body contact between the giver and receiver, but rather than rubbing on muscles, the body is compressed, pulled, stretched and rocked.

The recipient wears loose, comfortable clothing and lies on a mat or firm mattress on the floor. The receiver will be positioned in a variety of yoga-like positions during the course of the massage, that is also combined with deep static and rhythmic pressures.

The massage generally follows designated lines in the body. The legs and feet of the giver can be used to position the body or limbs of the recipient. In other positions, hands fix the body, while the feet do the massaging. There is a standard procedure and rhythm to the massage, which the giver will adjust to fit the receiver.

3) I joined Weight Watchers and have begun to be more careful in what I choose to eat.

4) I will begin a series of acupuncture sessions, with Marc, to work on my lower back and hip problems. A number of years ago, Marc helped me work through some fairly severe Rotator Cuff problems.

5) I have been meditating every day, sometimes for a short period of time and sometimes for longer periods of time. I use my own techniques (learned from Corrine) and also use the online "headspace.com."

6) I also have been reading and continuing my studies in Buddhism. Next step will be to find someone or someplace where I can participate in discussions of what I read about and about newly learned ideas.

• • • • •

So all in all, I feel pretty good about who I am today and where I am going tomorrow. I didn't even talk about my continuing writing, working on my memoirs, continuing the push to create ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical, and making presentations to various groups on living well with Alzheimer's Dementia. I also didn't talk about how much I continue to love my condo, my kitties, my friends, and my family.

So all in all, it looks like the beginning of a beautiful 2 0 1 9 !

The Unknowing Yogi

These thoughts spoke to me.

"The rejuvenating effects of sleep are due to man's temporary unawareness of body and breathing. The sleeping man becomes a yogi; each night he unconsciously performs the yogic rite of releasing himself from bodily identification, and of merging the life force with healing currents in the main brain region and in the six sub-dynamos (chakras)  of his spinal centers. Unknowingly, the sleeper is thus recharged by the cosmic energy that sustains all life."

Autobiography of a Yogi. Paramahansa Yoganhanada. 1945. Page 268.



"Gross man seldom or never realizes that his body is a kingdom, governed by Emperor Soul on the Throne of the Cranium, with subsidiary Regents in the six spinal centers or spheres of consciousness (Chakras.) This theocracy extends over a throng of obedient subjects; twenty-seven thousand billion in cells (endowed with sure if seemingly automatic intelligence by which they perform all duties and bodily growths, transformations, and dissolutions) and fifty million substratal thoughts, emotions,and variations of alternating phases in man's consciousness in an average life of sixty years.

"An apparent insurrection in the human body or mind against Emperor Soul, manifesting as disease or irrationality, is due to no disloyalty among the humble subjects, but stems from past or present misuse by man of his individuality or free will -- given to him simultaneously with a soul, and revocable never.

"Identifying himself with a shallow ego, man takes for granted that it is he who thinks, wills, feels, digests meals, and keeps himself alive, never admitting through reflection (only a little would suffice) that in his ordinary life he is naught but a puppet of past actions (karma) and of past Nature or environment (thoughts and experiences. )

Autobiography of a Yogi. Paramahansa Yoganhanada. 1945. Page 272.

So the two lessons are work at removing yourself from the conceited thoughts that it is you alone who is in charge of yourself. Rather, the question is "Who are you?" Ego vs true self?

In The Moment

In the moment. Experiencing the here and now. And I am not necessarily comfortable with this.

After a thorough Thai Massage yesterday with massage therapist Sarah McLaughlin, with whom I have been working for, what, five years now; I got into my car, completely relaxed, and feeling a strange feeling. I stopped as I was sitting in the driver's seat, car yet unstarted, to think about what I was feeling. It was an uncomfortable feeling. It wasn't a good feeling or a bad feeling. It wasn't filled with happiness or sadness. It just was. But it was uncomfortable.

I realized that besides scattered bits of conversation with Sarah during the hour long massage, my world had stopped. It had stopped except for the sensations of my body being stretched, pushed, pulled, rotated, massaged. My mind focused on each part as it was manipulated. I sensed the pain, and the good feelings, and the tensing and release of muscle. But I did this without labeling the sensation or the body part.

I didn't need to label my arm and the muscle tension slowly disappearing, I just was focused on the moment. I did not label each hip in turn or the pain and release which radiated from the hip towards the knee and at times on opposite sides of the body. I just focused on the moment.

Today I had a similar experience. After catching up on e-mails, paying a few bills; after updating my iPad and iPhone including a call for help from Apple SOS; a light breakfast of toast and yogurt and later another cup of coffee; a brief nap, one or the other of the cats chasing each other, rubbing my leg for attention, or a yawl or purr; running a few loads of laundry and folding the results; I decided to lie down for half an hour before meeting a friend for dinner in the neighborhood.

As I lie in bed, still in m P.J.s, I experienced this "In The Moment" again. I felt the crisp smooth sheets against my body, the nubs of the cotton blanket under my fingers, the soft pillow supporting my head, the sound of the HVAC, the gurgling of the water in the cat fountain located in the bathroom just opposite my bed, the soft fur of the cat lying next to me and slightly leaning on my thigh while cleaning herself.

As an exercise, recently studied in one of my Buddhist books, I tried to experience each physical feeling and each auditory experience without labeling the object or the noise. I actually was able to do this. But agin, like yesterday in the car, it felt uncomfortable. Not good or bad, I just didn't like the experience.

So I stayed with that thought to see why I was feeling uncomfortable. I did not want to label the experience GOOD or BAD but was disturbed that I was uncomfortable. An awareness came to me. I am so used to the sounds around me, and distraction, and all sorts of odd jobs and activities, always doing something, always thinking about how to do what is happening now or what's next, thinking about future travel plans, tonight's dinner, are the sox ready to come out of the washer and be put into the dryer.

With the ability to stop all that "noise in my head," I had truly achieved being "in the moment," experiencing the "here and now." And I was not used to this. I had experienced it while spending time with Gregory and just being focused on being with him, not what was next, not the Alzheimer's, not what I would be doing later that night. But even then the "here and now" was filled with activities of the present, even if the past and the future played no mind.

This time, it was a place I had not been before in such this way. It was so strange, foreign, uncomfortable. Perhaps even fearful. No labels, no names, no explanations or descriptions. Just in the moment. Time seemed to stop. Past and future did not exist not did the present. In some ways, I wondered, is this was death feels like? Just not so permanent?

So what is next? Not sure. Learning to become more comfortable in the absence of things and activities of life? Learning to listen more carefully to the calm that exists within me when I can turn off the "noise in my head?" Not sure. Not sure.

A Room Full of Grief

Praying in groups, what is that all about? This post will take a brief look at Judaism, Catholicism, Christianity, and Buddhism and think about group prayer.

It was the firm belief of the Jewish sages that wherever ten Israelites are assembled, either for worship or for the study of the Law, the Divine Presence dwells among them. In rabbinical literature, those who meet for study or prayer in smaller groups, even one who meditates or prays alone, are to be praised, however, the stress is put upon the merits and sacredness of the minyan of ten and the ten must be men or boys who are Bar Mitzvah, women and girls do not count.

In Catholicism, it is believed that His mighty workings increase exponentially and His purposes are accelerated when people pray together. This message is not given to minimize personal prayer, instead, it is to show that personal prayer alone will not result in the working of God to the degree needed for spiritual transformation in people's lives, churches, cities, and nation.

Group prayer among all Christians is important and rewarding, devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer together.

Buddhist thoughts includes three gems: Buddha - the historical Buddha and one's own potential for awakening, Dharma - the teachings of the Buddha; the truth of the way things are, and Sangha - the community

The Sangha, or community, generally refers to the fourfold community of monks, nuns, men and women lay followers. Monks and nuns are respected for their good conduct and for their experience in meditation. They are also respected for their diligence, mindfulness and calmness. Wise and learned, they are able teachers of the Dharma. They can also be like trusted friends inspiring the lay followers along the path of Good Conduct.

Prayer itself can mean different things to different people. It can mean having reverence for a God, talking outloud or silently to oneself, having a personal experience with a God or having that experience through a priest or guru. It can be being grateful for what one has, begin grateful in advance for what one is asking for.

It can for some be bargaining, begging, and pleading for change or for better or for the fulfilling of a lack. It can mean getting quiet, calming the "voices in the mind," or distracting oneself.

This brings me to the topic of my post: A Room Full of Grief. You may have read on my other blog that I am involved in a Yoga Class on Grieving and Loss with my "Guru," teacher Corinne Peterson. I have taken a number of classes with her and when I heard she was doing this one I signed up last, I believe, August.

I wanted to spend some time with Corinne to recharge my meditation practice and knew that in many ways I have been grieving Gregory' Dementia  Alzheimer's for the last twelve years since the diagnosis.

Gregory and I have lived well and made the most of our journey but never the less, it has been a slow loss and slow grieving process. Little did I know that shortly before the class was to begin, Gregory would die.

The class has twelve members plus the teacher and has met for two hours every Monday for the last ten weeks. At the first class we shared a little, if we wanted to, about why we decided to take the class. Then we do stretching and movements and finish up with a quiet meditation practice.

A number of realizations have taken place in these sessions. First, I am not alone in grieving. I think when one is in the middle of grief, it is easy to forget that so many others out there are grieving and suffering loss as well. Next it was nice to be able to share with total strangers, a little about how I was feeling and grieving.

In addition no one was telling me to get over my grief, or calling me "poor you," or trying to "make it all better!" As people told their stories I could feel empathy for them even as I was feeling emotional myself. I could see that each of us was dealing with various levels of grief but there was really no hierarchy or evaluating whose grief was greater or lesser.

I could feel the heaviness of grief and loss in the room as the session began and I could feel it slowly dissipate for everyone including myself as we were able to focus our practice, awareness, time, and thoughts more on breath, movement, body, chantings, candle light and less on the weight of our grief.

No doubt the grief, loss, sorrow, emotions would return but hopefully with less wallop and it was nice to have the grief at bay for at least a few hours.

At the end of each session I felt lighter, more in control of my emotions as well as more able to let my emotions ride when I needed them to but not to feel out of control or hysterical.

So maybe this has shown me that there is some strength in groups and community and sharing with fellow humankind even if it is in a room full of grief.

I will need to continue my grieving, I know that it will jump out at me when little expected, but I can also get on with my life without Gregory and feel in good place, as he is now in a more comfortable place than he was while dealing with the slow decline cognitively and physically with Dementia/ Alzheimer's.

(The information about religious groups was taken in part from Google and in part in my own words.)

Pema Chödrön

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December 31, 2014 THE SIX WAYS OF COMPASSIONATE LIVING Generosity. Giving as a path of learning to let go. Discipline. Training in not caushing harm in a way that is daring and flexible. Patience. Training in abiding with the restlessness of our energy and letting things evolve at their own speed. If waking up takes forever, still we go moment by moment, giving up all hope of fruition and enjoying the process. Joyful enthusiasm. Letting go of our perfectionism and connecting with the living quality of every moment. Meditation. Training in coming back to being right here with gentleness and precision. Prajna (or transcendent wisdom). Cultivating an open, inquiring mind.

Panchamaya Kosha Session Six (Final One)

In overly simplified terms, the overriding concepts in Buddhism are that everything is nothing and nothing is everything. Everything is real and there is no one reality. We are all the same and we are all different. Therefore you are me and I am you. Perhaps one could say that Buddhism is the study of dichotomies.

I do not see Buddhism as an organized religion but rather a gathering of beliefs and techniques and teachings shared by a great prophet. How I approach them or use them is up to me to decide for myself. Some make sense others do not. Some I find comfortable to life others I do not.

Slowly, as I have learned mindful meditation, as I have picked up Yoga techniques, as I have become more familiar with Buddhist thought, as I have studied and read, I believe I have begun to not only learn about it but to experience "IT." You cannot really just learn about about it, you must directly experience it, and that is a very individual experience. That is what I call "IT."

For me, I can organize the "IT" into three concepts: 1) the essential self, 2) life as suffering, 3) joy as a choice.

Briefly, at all times we are able to be in touch with our essential self, that self which was there before all the "interference" of growing up, school, church, family, friends, relationships, society, life.

At times we can almost reach out and touch that essential self again if only but for a moment. Buddhism has taught me to look at life differently and therefore my belief systems have changed.

Everything is always changing and what causes us to suffer is our desperately try to hold on to life, to truth, to a moment, to make sense out of non-sense. We cannot hold on, we can only be in the moment. This is not easy as the fraction of a second in which we think about being in the moment we have lost that moment.

Being able to embrase this, I have found some relief from suffering through meditation and yoga and my studies of Buddhism, as I once again am able to "quiet the voices my head" and regain contact more often with my essential self, the pure essence of what I am and have always been.

I can choose joy because the suffering is really only me trying to hold onto something that is constantly changing, in a moment I am a different person than I was a moment earlier. In a moment the things I know and believe will be changed, those I love dearly will be gone, and then I will be gone.

If you are able to notice your quiet, inside thinking during the day, you will see that the mind is ALWAYS actively engaged in a dialog with yourself (actually a monologue.)

You are making decisions, making observations, making judgements, arguing, chatting etc with yourself, quietly, internally. You may notice that sometimes you even do this in a whisper and sometimes out loud.

By focusing ones attention on the breath, on the breath with added stretches, on the breath with stretches and added chanting; one can calm the mind and become more in touch with the emptiness or calmness that occurs when most of the "chatter" of the mind is turned off.

I know that to many of you this will sound like a lot of "gobble-do-gook," like "religious fanatism," like "hippi-dippi-do stuff." The true sign of UN-ENLIGHTENMENT is when someone talks about being enlightened.

I believe that for most of us enlightenment is something we are always moving just a little bit closer to, without ever arriving. I am just saying that for me Buddhism has been working.

It has given me peace and joy in my life and made my suffering more tolerable. No other religion I have studied, not Judaism into which I was born and whose traditions and sense of family I love, and no "understanding" of God has given me this much sought after sense of joy and peace.

I share my thoughts here for two reasons, not to boast or to say "I know the way, but rather: 1) I find that by documenting my life I am also processing my experiences, and 2) maybe it will speak to you in what every way you want to comfortably accept it, pursue it, use it.

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Through the last five sessions of Panchamays Kosha Yoga, I have learned many valuable physical ways of clearing my mind so I can come closer in touch with my essential self more often: meditation, stretching, mindful breathing, chanting, and probably a few more techniques that I have either forgotten or internalized have helped me on this path.

The final session in this series of classes and consisted of a "putting together" of all of our experiences from the previous sessions. Probably the most important new part of this final class for me was learning about the Hamsa or Soham Mantra.

In some ways I find the concept MAGICAL! Simply speaking, it is a built in system that every living being is practicing 24/7. The difference is becoming aware of it.

Hamsa Mantra - a simple breath practice from:  http://www.yinyoga.com/ys2_2.2.7.3.1_hamsa_mantra.php

On average, twenty-one thousand, six hundred times a day we chant the mantra Hamsa. "Ha" is the sound of the breath on our exhalations and "sa" is the sound of the inhalations. Some traditions reverse this, and the mantra is called "So'ham" - we hear "hmmm" on the inhalation and a sighing "sa" on the exhalation. Iyengar says they are actually combined; every creature creates so'ham on the inhalation (which means "He am I") and hamsa on the exhalation (which means "I am He"). This is called the "ajapamantra." While we chant this barely audible mantra with each breath, we can feel energy moving within us. Close your eyes and notice the way your energy state is altered while you inhale and exhale. Experiment with hearing "ham" on the inhalation and "sa" on the exhalation. Does this feel energizing or calming for you? Next reverse it: hear "sa" on the inhalation and "ham" on the exhalation. Does this change the energetic feelings? Many teachers will claim that hamsa is energizing and so'ham is relaxing. They teach that when we hear so'ham, prana is descending. On hearing hamsa, shakti (energy) rises. Other teachers claim the exact opposite. Of course, we are all different; half of us are natural belly breathers, half are chest breathers. It is not surprising that everyone doesn't respond the same way. You will need to experiment and find out which form of hamsa breathing energizes you, and which form calms you. Once you know, then you are ready to employ this tool in your practice. Preparing for a Yin Yoga class, you may want to use the calming breath. Preparing for a yang practice, you may want to use an energizing breath. Of course, hamsa breathing can be used outside of your yoga practice too. We all have times in life when we are too stoked up and need to relax. The hamsa breath can be useful then. At other times, we need a quick boost of energy, and the opposite breath may be ideal. Instead of reaching, automatically, for that cigarette to calm you down, or that third cup of coffee or a cola to give you a pick-me-up, try working with the breath for a minute or two. You may be surprised at how effective it is, and it is a lot healthier. Thank you Corinne Peterson (http://www.corinnepeterson.com) for helping me on this path. It has been the first time in my life that I have found peace in a spiritual belief system. My "Search for God" series of writing and thinking and processing has brought me to this place where God per say is not the important thing to determine, but rather your relationship to yourself, your environment, your fellow beings, to everything living!

Panchamaya Kosha Session Five

This session dealt with the level of joy or spirit, tapping into that which is greater than ourselves. This was done, again, by weaving breathing, stretching, chanting, and meditation through several cycles of activities.

For some reason all were difficult for me today. I am hoping that as I continue to loose weight and increase my exercising, my breathing will be able to be held longer and deeper.

We inhaled and exhaled, then added stretches to the inhaling and stretching, then added chanting to the inhaling and exhaling. My bass voice made a nice harmony to the soprano of most of the women in the class but I could not hold the chant.

In the relaxed sense of the activities, Corinne makes one feel comfortable at whatever level they are able to function, I found myself double breathing to her normal breaths. I focused on my breathing in and then out when Corinne breathed in and then I took another in and out on Corinne's out. I tried to add to the chant as much as possible.

During one of the meditations Corinne suggested we focus on joy through the vehicle of gratitude and how and where that felt in the body. I found it in my upper chest and head. They both felt light and buoyant.

During the Yoga Nidra mindful meditation rest, at the end of the session, when Corinne was guiding us towards the feelings of joy and gratitude, I found myself floating away from her guidance and found myself standing at the bottom of a wide stairway in a calm, lightly colored marble feeling stairwell with a glow of light at the top, the origin of which I could not see.

As long as I was there, I decided to climb the stairway to see what was at the top. It was so easy to climb and my steps were so light, that I almost felt like I was floating. But I wasn't. When I got to the top I found myself at the head of a huge room, again lightly colored with a marble like texture, and the room was bathed on a glow of light.

There were no windows or doors or any other decoration in the room but I did see that the room was filled with countless desks and sitting at those desks, on telephones, were who I decided were angels, spirit guides, and master teachers. They were all very busy and didn't notice me. I had the sense that some were talking to "clients" and others were doing "research."

The purpose of the facility was to help people solve their problems. I had the strong sense that there was never a failure in finding solutions and the entire room was filled with happiness, joy, and gratitude over the work of the participants and their clients.

At the end of the class, when Corinne added the additional possibility of ritual, she passed around a bowl of Rose Quartz crystals. We each took one, held it in our hand, and finished the meditation. As I looked at the rock, I realized that it was the color and texture of that stairwell, those stairs, and the walls of the hall upstairs.

See full Rose Quartz article Crystal Meanings @ CrystalsAndJewelry.com.

"Rose quartz is often called the "Love Stone. Emotionally, rose quartz is used to balance emotions and bring peace and calm. All these things carry energies of forgiveness, tolerance, and compassion to the fore, enabling us to see the good in both ourselves and others. It is used in crystal healing to heal and release emotional wounds and traumas. Divine unconditional love and enhancing our inner awareness of such also brings ease of overwhelming or unreasonable guilt, bringing healing from this which we impose on ourselves."

COPYRIGHT @2002-2014: All Rights Reserved by Robyn A Harton unless otherwise noted.

Panchamaya Kosha Session Four

Interesting Yoga session today if only because earlier in the day my psychologist and I did a hypnosis session which was very much like a Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation Session.

Then this evening, in quick summary, we breathed, stretched, focused, and meditated. A lot of attention to self and growth today!

In quick review, as the sessions have taken place we have moved from:
1) The Physical Body (using yoga movements) to
2) The Energy Body (using breath work) to
3) The Mental-Emotional Body (using the tool of sound/chant)  and this evening
4) The Wisdom Body (using the tool of meditation.)

This level of the Panchamaya Kosha deals with personality, character, and our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. We alternated breath work with stretching work with meditation and cycled through these several times before doing the final Yoga Nidra rest.

During the Yoga Nidra meditation, when dealing with beliefs, my "voices" gave me the concept of "Acceptable Grief."

When in deep meditation, most times my mind quiets enough for me to be able to get in touch with deeper thoughts and ideas.

They present themselves in "understandings" or "images" rather than words or text. I refer to these as "my voices."

Then in these BLOG posts, I have to try to interpret what I "felt" into what I "thought."

Acceptable Grief.

grief |grēf| noundeep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death: she was overcome with grief. To this definition, I would add a great sense of loss. 

Obviously my concept of Acceptable Grief applies to the path that Gregory has been traveling with Alzheimer's Disease and on which I have chosen to accompany him. We both have been through so much over the last ten years and such quick change over the last four and a half months.

I find that while I still grieve for the loss of my lover, best friend, soul mate, and life companion, I am at peace with our current situation. He is being well taken care of at Lieberman, I am continuing to revitalize my life, and we both are doing well. 

When I am with Gregory I am able to be in the "Here and Now" as he is. Mine by choice, his by circumstances. I try not to think about our past or our future when I am with him.

When I am home I try to be in the "Here and Now" as well and I try not to think about  our past or Gregory in is situation.

For the most part, Gregory is comfortable, content, and happy. For the most part, I am filled with joy, happiness, and contentment.

But the Grief is always with me and now and then surfaces. When it does I pay it attention, cry if I need to, and in some ways embrace it. The concept of Grief not only includes the sorrow but also the joy in Gregory's and my situation. We are both in a good place. I would not have chosen it this way, but none-the-less, we are both in a good place. And that is acceptable. Thus, Acceptable Grief.

Panchamaya Kosha Session One

After discussing the model and its levels we began our Yoga session. Corinne demonstrated the various stretching and activities in "floor position" and in "chair position." Most of the ones I did were on a chair as I am so out of shape, recently had a bad case of Vertigo, and my back and hips have been bothering me. (This is not a poor me but information by way of your understanding the session.)

As the stretches and exercises progressed I found myself becoming more and more limber and finally ended up moving to floor style. I do not think that I have been as aware of my body in a long time (if ever) then when we were going through the stretches/exercises in this mindful way.

After the stretches/exercises we did a brief Yoga Nidra meditation mainly doing a "body scan" where Corinne led us through a mindful look at our bod, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes, in relation to breathing, the "inside" of it and the "outside" of it.

When I first started meditation classes I would say that many people think Yoga is physical stretching and exercising when it is really a way to calm and quiet the body so as to be better able to meditate.

While that is still true, I am afraid that I discounted Yoga too much. In this one short session, I became so aware of my body and its relation to the space around and the space inside that I now understand better the relationship between the physical and how it supports the mindful meditation.

I have continued to become more aware of how breathing relates to meditation, my study of Buddhism, and my emotions and sure enough here it shows up again in Yoga. I am excited about these sessions and look forward to the next ones to see what they will bring.

I might mention here that I have known for a while that I am very physically out of shape and needed to do something about it. The message hit home when I took myself to the emergency room with the Vertigo attack. It scared me. I thought my blood pressure had gone sky high (when it really was only registering the distress of my body with the Vertigo.) But the scare was enough for me to decide that thinking about doing something does NOT count as DOING something.

I surprised me with my quick actions: 1) Began discussing weight loss and made goals with my Psychologist, 2) Renewed my membership at LA Fitness, 3) Committed to a year of personal training at LA Fitness, 4) Began my weight loss program by weighing in and beginning a log of everything that I ate, 5) Beginning a six week Yoga Kosha session with Corinne.

I am airing my laundry here because by talking about it and by processing it, I think I will be able to try harder to succeed with this program of regaining my health. I DO NOT WANT TO BE OR FUNCTION LIKE AN OLD MAN, EVEN THOUGH I AM AN OLD MAN!

Also, as a reminder, this is being posted on my writers BLOG because I need to move on and separate my Alzheimer's Life from my Personal Life. No less love for Gregory but he is now safely ensconced and embraced. I need to do the same for myself.