My Bucket List?

In thinking about it, not necessarily in this order: 

Haven’t done much “book binding” for quite a while. This includes the craft of making books, the art of creating unique books, the ability to restore important family books and heirlooms. I have all the supplies but the interest is dormant. 

Like so many parts of my life. 

I have all the supplies for my jewlery making but they lie dormant. 

I have all the makings for a Flea Circus, but they lie dormant. 

Miniature Card Making Station to set up at Isaac’s Coffee Shop to make money to add to MTE EdFund. 

Abilities to “Read the Tarot Cards."

Miniature Pipe Cleaner Teddy Bear making materials. 

Enough new collections to make a “Michael’s Museum II” which is a traveling art instllation called “The Small Museum.”

Enough new collections to add several new cases to the existing MM@CCM.

Sumi Art Drawing Inks, brushes, and papers.

Putting together a photographic look at Gregory’s architecture career.

Getting approximately one dozen children’s picture books published with the stories already written and waiting.

Finishing a creative non-fiction work, called: “The Museum of Michael’s Mind,” writing began many years ago and organized and resurrected during my 2010 Ragdale residency.

Notes and thoughts written about a new project: “Alzheimer’s: The Musical.” Actually working on this one with a director friend from the Lyric.

Putting together a book called: “The Making of Michael’s Museum.” I have all the backup verbiage and photographs.

Enough text material to create “ALZHEIMER’S: A Memoir.” This one I am working on.

Expanding "ALZHEIMER'S: A Love Story" documentary with existing footage taken last March 2015.

Not to mention wanting to travel the world!

Is there a pattern here that I have not previously noticed? Or am I am man of many ideas and too little time? Or is life too short? Or do I live my life in a random pattern, circling around and around and never accomplishing anything? Or did Gregory’s Alzheimer’s not only give me many gifts but also sap much energy and time? Or do I have to many projects in my bucket to think about dying yet? Or now that I have time on my hands am I revisiting them all?

Sitting Here

Sitting here enjoying the day. Saturday January 9, 2015 ... oops ... no 2016! Snow is falling outside and 3-5 inches is expected. It is 3:33 PM and I have yet to get out of my "jammies" and into the day's clothes. Maybe I'll not!

I love the new work area, I call it "my desk" or "my office." It feels spacious, light, and friendly. I appreciate Gregory when I sit here in what used to be his space and I feel a little guilty but then a voice whispers, "Someone's gotta use it :-)"

I continue to fine tune the organization and order of the condo. Gregory taught me how to be neat. I used to start out neat, then get lazy and leave things around, then they would pile up, then I would push them aside and leave more. Periodically I would go on my "straightening rounds." Do you catch the irony? Making ROUND into STRAIGHT? A thankless and at times hopeless job.

Gregory taught me how to be more orderly if only out of respect for our living together. He helped me develop areas of my own where I could be messy, where I could work in my style not necessarily his. And he had his areas where he could be minimalist, structured, and organized.

Slowly being organized and orderly became the comfortable way for me. It was easier to put things back where they belonged, easier to create "a space for everything to live," and easier to clean up after oneself as one went along. It really did save time, made things easier to find, and harder to loose!

People always tell me, "You are so organized!" My answer is, "I am NOT organized. I am random and spontaneous in how I live. What you see is the outward appearance of what I have to do to survive inside of my chaotic mind and world!" 

When Gregory was diagnosed with Dementia/ Alzheimer's I guess I went into high gear orderliness. It became more important for things to be in the correct place so he could find them. Our life needed to be and became more predictable in those areas we could control. Our motto more strongly (not new but more) became, "Change those things you can and don't worry about those you cannot."

As the Dementia/ Alzheimer's progressed there was less and less that we could control so I became more and more orderly. It definitely bordered on the verge of compulsive but it served both Gregory and me well!

People who visit the condo, even on a drop in basis, are always amazed at how clean and orderly it is. They comment, "Even though there are many things around on every surface, it doesn't feel cluttered or overwrought or fussy."

They comment, "You have created a warm inviting space." "It feels like people live and love here." "You have created magic." "You curate your lives." "You set up common things in a way that turns them into shrines of beauty, love, and spirituality."

Even though Gregory only lives here now in spirit with me, I still love the condo and maybe more than before. While at times I feel lonely being here myself, I enjoy the antics and love of my two cats, Gigi and Emma. I feel safe, comfortable, contented, and if I may say so, when I look around at what we created, I feel like a grown up, successful person. I feel good about my space and I feel good about me.

I miss being able to spend time and share my life with Gregory but I still have talks with him and he talks to me as well. I know he is pleased for my life, my success, and my strength. I know that he is grateful for all I did for him throughout our 41 years and especially during the last 12 since the Dementia/ Alzheimer's diagnosis. I have learned a lot from him about live and about myself. I can continue to honor our union and our love by living my life with love of self, love for others, compassion, simplicity, forgiveness, and patience for myself and for those in my life.

What Does My Desk Tell You About Me?

Einstein would hate my desk. Orderly, clean, well organized. Fully supplied with all supplies in their respective drawers. The computer cabinet, my desk, is dust free and the computer screen and keyboard clean. Everything to do with my daily desk needs has a home and is in its place.

On the pull down work surface lives a vinal blotter with a round coaster blue taped to the upper right corner for my coffee cup. My wireless computer keyboard is centered on the blotter, pushed back when I need to write, pulled forward when I need to type.

In the body of the cabinet; papers, bills, and other ephemera folded in half and organized by need and type are stored in a wire, five section, stepped holder. A rectangular wire basket organizer is filled, symmetrically, with four smaller organizers, two on each side and in the center, a pop up post-it holder. Three wire pen holders; small, medium, and large; organized by size contain pens, pencils, markers, artist tools, rulers, and scissors, line the two sides of the inside cabinet. A solar powered smiling flower also sits there, waving its leaves at me and bobbing its head in accord.

The top of the cabinet has over 200 Lego Minifies on display; each one lined up, each one placed carefully next to the other, each one standing perfectly erect, and organized by series number. On the left side and the right side, two stacks of four each plastic display boxes from the Container Store hold some of the collection, each box with three levels of minifigs. In the middle sits an antique oak display cabinet with seven glass shelves also carefully lined up with minifigs. Between the plastic towers and the antique cabinet sit two up lights, creating an ambience of light on the wall behind the minifigs as well as additional light in the room.

In the two shelved cubby hole to the right of the pull down and body of the cabinet, a lamp is clipped to one shelf. On the top shelf, three wire letter baskets stacked hold my iPad, extra disk drive, MacAir computer which I use to "take along," and an additional wireless keyboard and mouse. The second shelf is piled with four wire letter baskets for: "IN" "OUT" "HOLD" and "TO DO."

Everything is clean and in its place and organized ... some of the time. Over time the piles on top of the cabinet get higher, the dust and finger prints build up, the "don't know what to do with this tiny thing" count increases, IN items are in the OUT tray and TO DO items get HELD. The minifig boxes get knocked and several of the residents are contorted. Items find new homes rather than living in their usual place.

Then one day, when it has become too much to bare and when time allows; I begin "circling around" my desk. Taking something from here and putting it back there where it belongs. Paperwork is handled and/or tossed. "Don't know what to do with this item" items find a new home or get discarded. A Dustbuster cleans the gross dust and the yellow dusting rag fine tunes the surfaces. My eyeglass spray and a lens tissue clean the computer screen. A can of compressed air cleans the keyboard and trackpad.

And once again, Einstein would hate my desk. Orderly, clean, well organized. Fully supplied with all supplies in their places in their drawers. The computer cabinet, my desk, is dusted free and the computer screen and keyboard clean. Everything to do with my daily desk needs has a home and is in its place.

I am basically a chaotic, randomly goaled person who appears organized. I am not organized. Organization is what I have to do to keep myself running in my chaotic, random world.