He Just Made Me Cry

Today, my order of cookies arrived in the mail. A friend from my opera supernumerary days is currently on Broadway in the role of Mary Sunshine and to help pay the bills while Broadway is dark, he has begun a home business baking sweets. I decided to share some of the goodies with my upstairs neighbor.

The neighbor husband is living with Dementia. It has been about 10 years since his diagnosis and most of his language is gone. He is the sweetest 75-year-old man I know, although at times he is rough with his wife. The neighbor wife is as close to a saint as one can get taking good care of him in their smallish apartment of one bedroom and one bath.  

She, with her daughter, run a gift shop in Evanston, and a while back during a shopping visit, I mentioned that she looked familiar. She returned that I too look familiar and after a few trial and error guesses, we discovered that we both lived in the same condo.

A little more conversation led to my sharing that my husband had lived with Dementia for 12 years and had passed away a while back. She shared at that time that her husband also was living with Dementia. Need I say we bonded. I also felt the need to be there to support her if I could.

Several times we went out to coffee and it turns out that many of my stories, prompted by her comments, were able to give her the support she needed as well as suggest possible solutions to some of the caregiving problems she was having with her husband.

I started sharing baked goods with them as I love to bake but did not want to eat all the cookies, cakes, pies, etc by myself. So I was happy to share with them and they appreciated my efforts. Every now and then she would thank me by leaving a bag of something sweet in front of my door and once called ahead to let me know they were bringing me dinner from a local carryout.

Over time we have become friends and I have also befriended her daughter on my visits to the shop which the daughter now totally runs since my neighbor cannot leave her husband alone anymore. 

Now and then they both neighbors show up at my door to pick up something I baked or when they are bringing me something in return. Mike and I always shake hands (then I sanitize) and we all wear masks as we do our neighborly exchanges and depending on who is delivering to whom one stays just inside the door while one or the other stays in the hall.

Today I dropped off some cookies for them. The wife and I talked for a while. When I arrived I called my "Hello" to the husband who was sitting on the sofa watching the TV. When I was about to leave, I called out my "Goodbye" and he got up to come to the door. He offered his hand and we shook (I sanitized when I got back to my unit.) She showed him the cookies I brought and he took the box and looked at them and handled a few. 

Then he looked at me and said, "I love you." Seemingly out of nowhere from a man who has trouble with language. I thanked him and he again offered, "Come back to us!"

I replied with, "I will." 

I left with tears running down my face at such a show of caring and love on his part and for the joy that apparently I bring with our visits!

Letter to a Young Gay Man

(Written in 2007)

Joseph,

Hi. Your mom and I met four or five years ago when we were both in "Attila" at the Lyric Opera. I remember meeting you briefly as well. Time flies and according to your mom, you have grown into a fine young man (do I remember 17 years old?) She also shared with me your "coming out" as a gay man.

I probably have been gay all my life, but didn't really understand it until I was in my late teens or early 20's. Times were different for my coming out. Gay was not talked about, people didn't admit it freely, people acted on it secretly and with fear and guilt, double lives were lived, both men and women got married to an opposite sex member (who may or may not have understood the situation,) and had children. 

I taught for 30 years and for most of that time had to remain "in the closet" or face loosing my job. When we went to a gay bar to dance, even though of age, we faced getting raided, so the unspoken word was that if police raided the bar and you were on the dance floor, you would grab the nearest "dyke" and vice versa. Often gays, if too obvious, were beaten up on the street (still happens I guess but maybe not as frequently)

My mom had a terrible time dealing with my being gay. She discovered this about me when she uncovered a "love letter" that was tucked into one of my old college books that was sitting on the shelf at home. She called me at college on the phone and told me to come home soon because she wanted to talk to me. I knew what she wanted but didn't want to face her. I finally did go home and we "had it out." Many tears. If she hadn't discovered the letter, I do not know when I would have had the courage to come out to her.

She talked to the family doctor and he recommended that she take me to a psychiatrist to get me "cured." I refused. We argued a lot. She still loved me but couldn't deal with my being gay and I was already on my own and at college. She went to a psychiatrist herself and the message (which was probably unusual for that time and place) was to leave me alone if I was happy with my choice (in those days it was felt to be a choice rather than something you were born with. Who knows?)

Joseph, you are lucky to have such an understanding mom, who loves you, and who accepts you for who you are. You are still young enough that she will have the "final say" in many situations and you should respect that. To this day many families kick their gay son or daughter out of the house and disown them. 

My dad didn't know about me until much later but interestingly enough, he just loved me, no matter what. My mom on the other hand had to "deal with it" and was quite upset and miserable for a year or two. Don't know if my dad just didn't think about it, or accepted it.

Now both my family and Gregory's love and adore us both. He is an integral part of all family celebrations and I think we might be the favorite "daughter-in-law" or "sister-in-law" of both families :-)

I use these expressions figuratively as G and I do not take on gender roles. In the relationship, he does what he is good at and I do what I am good at and those things neither of us like to do we share. In the "olden days" people used to wonder while role you took. Are you the wife? Are you the woman? Are you the bitch? Top? Bottom? Maybe some people still think (and maybe some gays still behave) that way but Gregory and I do not feel the need to identify in that way.

My first relationship with a man lasted 13 years before we grew apart and finally separated on a friendly basis (after much arguing and anger.) My current life partner and soul mate, Gregory, and I met 30 years ago and are still going strong. (I am 62 he is 58.) We were participated in a "Civil Union" ceremony in Vermont recently and took part in a "unity" ceremony during the March on Washington many years ago. While the issue of Gay Marriage is a controversial one, we believe that making a commitment to each other (of whatever type) is what matters, and making that commitment in the presence of others is important. 

Before deciding that I was gay, I had had many girlfriends and even loved one or two to the point that I thought I would get married. Final analysis, men were more important to me in a relation (and in lust :-) 

I mention this about women only because you are still young yet. Gay could be it for you or it could be a "phase." I do not mean this lightly and am not disrespecting you and your decision, I am only saying that as we "grow up" (and I am still growing up :-) we explore and experiment with who we are and who we want to be. These decisions change and take unexpected turns. I am only advising that you keep an open mind and be prepared to explore, experience, learn, and grow. I am sure you will do a fine job of defining who you are!

Check out my web site if you get a chance. When I came out there were no older role models for me to follow. Most older gays were either in the closet still or behind closed doors in their social groups. Now that "gay" is so much more accepted (in most places but certainly not all) role models are visible on TV, in the movies, and on stage. Even an opera or two has homosexual overtones, like Billy Bud.

Back to the web site, you might find it interesting to see how Gregory and I spend our lives and what is important to us. There are pictures of our 30th anniversary and an overview (with pictures) of our 30 years together as a couple.

If you have any questions you would like to ask I will probably answer them but may refer you back to your mom, another source, or politely decline answering on the grounds that it is too personal or that I don't know a good answer. Ask anyway.

I have enjoyed thinking about these issues and writing to you about them. I in no way mean to imply anything about you or your life and do not assume that you are anything but a thinking, feeling, intelligent young man, but wanted to share some of my thoughts about ME! 

Take care, say hi to your mom, drop me a line if you get a chance, and do check out www.michaelandgregory.com

Fondly,

Michael

A Most Amazing Thing

This evening Gregory and I were sitting on our balcony sharing a cup of coffee. The temperature was perfect, the sky beautiful, the view from the balcony our roof top garden one story below. The garden helps us feel grounded, literally. There are seven beautiful trees, loads of bushes, at this time of year plenty of yellow lilies, and a ribbon of grass running through it all.


The amazing thing is that we watched, for about half an hour, a Robin building a nest in the tree right in front of our balcony. It had found apiece of paper, approximately 2" x4", picked it up in its beak, and flew the nest piece up into the tree. A few minutes later the piece of paper came drifting down to the grass. A few seconds later the Robin flew down, picked the piece of paper up again, and flew it back up into the tree where it stayed. We watched the Robin make at least a dozen trips with bits of this and that in its beak. It pulled apart a low growing plant and took part away with it. Twigs of various sizes were airlifted to its new home. 


The only thing that could have made this experience better would have been if we were able to see the nest itself, hidden in the center of the tree, being built. Gregory and I posed several questions: Does the male or the female build the nest? If it is the female is it before she is "with egg" in preparation or after the egg(s) have been fertilized in anticipation? 


So this is what I found on-line: NESTING: Robins are one of our earliest birds to nest. The female does the majority of building, although the male may help bring materials to the site. Nesting materials may be gathered up to a quarter of a mile from the nest site. The nest takes 2 to 6 days to build, and may be started up to two weeks before the first eggs are laid.

The Stories People Tell

People tell stories. They tell them to family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and sometimes to strangers they meet in the elevator or while standing in line at the checkout. Usually a person has a repertoire of stories that they tell to various people depending on the who, when, why, and where of the situation.


These stories get told over and over either because people are asked, are interesting, or because they are full of themselves. Eventually some stories get retired and new ones take their place. Actually I have known some people who retell the same stories over and over (I listen patiently) and never replace them.


I have discovered a new tendency in myself. Yes, I have my stories. Yes, I think most of them are interesting. No, I do not think I repeat them to the same person. But the new development is that I have been writing a number of my stories on my: "michael a horvich writes," "michael a horvich cares about people who care about alzheimer's," "michael a horvich photographs" and "michael's museum,"BLOGS.


I find myself telling a story and saying things like: "You may have read about this on my BLOG." "You can go to my BLOG and read about this." "Why don't you read my BLOG for a more detailed description."


Perhaps one day I will find myself saying: "You've heard the story, you've read the book, and now you can see the soon to be released movie." 
'
Stay tuned for the TV series:-)

Words

This was shared with us by our good friends Ken and Patricia DiPrima. A friend of theirs, Leonard Gillam who recently passed away, used to carry this poem in his wallet at all times. It was reproduced and shared with attendees at his funeral. The author is anonymous.


Words can charm and words can wound so choose your words with care.

Words can bring a blessing or hurt beyond repair.

Words can make us enemies and words can make us friends.

Words can make a quarrel and words can make amends.

Words of hate are stones flung out in anger or in spite.

Words of truth are stars flung out giving a sure and steadfast light.

Words of peace are isles of quietness in life's troubled sea.

Words of love are pearls strung out on the thread of memory.

So before you speak the things that spring into your mind,

Ask yourself this questions; Are these words true and kind?

Guard the gateways of your lips and guard them carefully.

Clothe your thoughts in words of beauty, peace, and charity.

Bon Voyage Party

This evening's party was quite a success. It took a lot of energy, shopping, preparation, and planning spread out over the last three days. It will take another two to get all the dishes, glasses, etc back where they belong.

The occasion was to celebrate Regina and Declan's  upcoming wedding that will take place in Italy. Three other friends will be joining them there for the ceremony and then staying on in Italy for two months. One more will join the group over the Christmas and New Year holidays. After some thirty years, the Gay Family will not be together for the major end of the year holidays so it was wonderful to be with everyone before the Italian adventures began.

On arrival white and red wine and soft drinks were served. A tray with two types of salsa and chips as well as one of crackers with two types of cheese were available. The 100" table (that usually serves as Gregory's desk) was set, including flowers and candles, still against the wall where it usually lives, to be moved into the middle of the room when it was time it eat. The end of the counter was set for four more and a table for six was set and waiting in the bedroom closet to be brought into the living room at dinner time. Folding chairs were at the ready.

We did a sit down dinner, served buffet style for twenty people. Arrival was scheduled at 4:00 with dinner served at 5:00. The timing on the food was perfect. The corn pudding was in the crock pot from 1:00 until 5:00. The spiral cut ham was in the oven from 1:00 until 4:00 and then sat until dinner time. The pre-cooked turkey breast was warmed from 4:00 until 5:00. The haricot vert (french green beans) provincial were cooked yesterday and warmed in the oven from 4:00 until 5:00. The yams were peeled earlier today and cooked in brown sugar and orange juice between 4:00 and 5:00, and finished off in the microwave. Bread was warmed in the oven with the other 4:00 - 5:00 items. Roger made a cranberry horseradish moose and combined the Romain, lemon, olive oil, and kosher salt making a Tuscan salad. By 5:15 everyone was seated and enjoying a delicious meal. Gregory and I were so proud!

A milestone at this party is that Ivanca, our housekeeper, was here to help with last minute prep before the party, to take coats and serve drinks, and then to pour water after people were sitting. She joined us for dinner and then worked throughout the rest of the party cleaning up. What a blessing and valued part of our family she is.

Dessert consisted of a chocolate Devil's food sheet cake, double layered with chocolate moose in between, and with chocolate butter cream frosting. Huge pieces of cake were served with vanilla ice cream. People commented on how huge the cake portions were … but ate it all. Only Regina shared her cake with Declan but that is understandable as she said, "I do have to fit into my wedding dress you know." Finally, more wine and coffee and visiting.

Parties like this are not done too often. The labor and energy toll is extensive. The expense wasn't even calculated. But being able to "share the love" with people you care for in the "sanctity of one's home" is such a joyful gift. We are grateful for being able to have done this.