Problems into Possibilities

Turning Problems into Possibilities

The moment you notice it, take hold of that mental affliction with your attention and purposefully turn it into an aspiration. It’s as though you see the mental affliction as raw material, the way a potter would view clay. You don’t see clay as a problem; you see it as an opportunity to create something. —Lama Kathy Wesley, “Your Mistakes Are Progress”

I would add "physical" affliction to "mental" affliction as raw material. To address both mental and physical, I have been actively making changes in my life. It feels good to actually be doing something about something I have been unhappy about! I am not taking the clay of my life and fashioning it into the opportunity to create a new sculpture of my life.

This approach to turning problems into possibilities also means turning around your thinking. If you wake up with a painful hip, notice it and turn it into I am working on treating my body in a way that makes my hip feel healthy and whole. It means being thankful for a positive outcome as though it has already manifested, and even better knowing that it has begun!

Previously, I believe, I wrote about some of the pangs of growing older, this post is a review for myself of the changes I have made to live the positive aspects of growing older.

My painful hips, knees, rotator cuffs, neck, lower back, etc. cause me to limit my activity. On waking, my hips and lower back are so painful as to make me feel "crippled." I sit in front of my computer for too long of a time and raise stiff and sometimes in pain. Stairs have become more difficult for me to climb: up and down!

Began with a Pulmonary Doctor who thought I had COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, involving constriction of the airways and difficulty or discomfort in breathing) but all my tests came back "normal." Yet I seem more easily out of breath. Carrying groceries in from the car, to the condo, and putting them away has become a more difficult task.

My sleeping habits have become erratic again and I nap for up to an hour almost every day. My weight is stable at "TOO MUCH!" Yet I have not been enjoying my meals. Sweets, pastries, etc have always been a downfall and Christmas Treats were no different.

I will not even go into changes and minor difficulties with bathroom activities!

But enough for the NEGATIVE side of me. There is also a VERY POSITIVE aspect to my life on which I am actively working and maybe it is just in time for the New Year, 2019, although I do not believe in New Year Resolutions. Those usually fail by January 15th!

I decided that I will grow older gracefully in those areas over which I have no control but will take in hand those over which I do. So I have begun to work harder on physical limitations that do not need to be so limiting. It feels good not only to have made this decision but to have been working on it now for over one month!

1) I am now working with a personal trainer. Our sessions have been so helpful to my overall body awareness and I engage in the stretching and movement even on days when she is not here. Yesterday, we decided to have her come to the condo twice a week if only because we are making so much progress. Once we get a routine in place in the condo, she will come with me to LA Fitness (downstairs of the condo) to see what I might do there to continue the good work we do (upstairs in the condo.)

2) My Guru, Corrine, introduced me to the trainer and Corrine will be working with me to develop some Yoga and Buddhist Meditations and Practices to compliment the work of the trainer. 

Here is a "Heartfelt Desires" page I developed on Corrine's recommention:

Heartfelt Desires

PART ONE: December 15, 2018 (Gray Font)

Working with Jessica Dare (Physical Trainer) and Corinne Peterson (Yoga Teacher/Guru,) I am setting down preliminary Heartfelt Desires for my Body Awareness, Movement, and Care Practice.

These desires are made in positive statements, with gratitude and thankfulness for their already being a chosen focus of my daily life, already being part of my experience, and already seeing progress accomplished.

PART TWO: December 21, 2018 (Black Font)

The next part of the process is to take each one and imagine it were already true, right now, in this moment. How would each feel in the body of it were true?

• • • • •

I am comfortable in my body and as a 73 year old, I look and feel good in my clothing.

Feeling better about myself, enjoying shopping for exciting new clothing, am proud of how I look, look forward to “dressing up” in sport coat etc. Confident in my presence with others.

My breathing is full and deep.

Energetic, doing more, getting out on every day activities as well as special ones in nature. Fairing well in all I attempt Not avoiding activities due to fear.

My energy is high and easily available.

My health is strong and free from illness and injury.

Facing each day knowing I am OK. Not working unnecessarily about “old age.” Looking forward to spending each day productively and positively.

My body movement and stretching, walking and exercise add to my all around good health and happiness.

Exercising regularly and daily. Looking forward to the day’s movement activities. Knowing that what I do adds to my overall health and therefore the ability to do what I want and to enjoy myself and my life. Doing things now that I have not been able to do in the recent past.

My eating habits are thoughtful and I am aware of how my choices affect my Heartfelt Desires.

Feeling good about what I eat and the decisions I make. Not feeling guilty about the decisions I make and or over the ones I know I should make but do not. Feeling comfortable not bloated or stomach sick.

I allow my eating choices to be at the “comfort food” level now and then, but keep these choices as the exception and not the rule.

Giving myself permission to eat for pleasure, but now and then, not all the time. Feeling the power of being able to make good eating decisions for myself. Feeling powerful in being part of the “solution” for myself, not the problem.

My strength, cardio, and flexibility health continue to improve as I continue to pay attention to these Heartfelt Desires.

Besides living well day to day, I am making my future potential life better. I am giving my body the chance to take care of me and allowing me to live longer and better. I am more active day to day as well as over time. I am able to do things I have not been able to do. I look forward to travel: in the U.S., in Europe, and in more challenging places like Asia.

• • • • •

I get a massage every other week, again very beneficial to my overall good health feeling and am thinking of increasing it to every week. Sarah, my massage therapist of 5+ years uses Thai Massage rather than table massage.

Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotions. The recipient remains clothed during treatment. There is constant body contact between the giver and receiver, but rather than rubbing on muscles, the body is compressed, pulled, stretched and rocked.

The recipient wears loose, comfortable clothing and lies on a mat or firm mattress on the floor. The receiver will be positioned in a variety of yoga-like positions during the course of the massage, that is also combined with deep static and rhythmic pressures.

The massage generally follows designated lines in the body. The legs and feet of the giver can be used to position the body or limbs of the recipient. In other positions, hands fix the body, while the feet do the massaging. There is a standard procedure and rhythm to the massage, which the giver will adjust to fit the receiver.

3) I joined Weight Watchers and have begun to be more careful in what I choose to eat.

4) I will begin a series of acupuncture sessions, with Marc, to work on my lower back and hip problems. A number of years ago, Marc helped me work through some fairly severe Rotator Cuff problems.

5) I have been meditating every day, sometimes for a short period of time and sometimes for longer periods of time. I use my own techniques (learned from Corrine) and also use the online "headspace.com."

6) I also have been reading and continuing my studies in Buddhism. Next step will be to find someone or someplace where I can participate in discussions of what I read about and about newly learned ideas.

• • • • •

So all in all, I feel pretty good about who I am today and where I am going tomorrow. I didn't even talk about my continuing writing, working on my memoirs, continuing the push to create ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical, and making presentations to various groups on living well with Alzheimer's Dementia. I also didn't talk about how much I continue to love my condo, my kitties, my friends, and my family.

So all in all, it looks like the beginning of a beautiful 2 0 1 9 !

ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical

A heart-wrenching love story: humorous, funny, often serious and sad with inspirational hellos and moving goodbyes, laughter and tears, sorrow and joy, across milestones and millstones, and across lifetimes and generations.

A musical love story that weaves together three tapestries into one masterpiece: A beautiful love story, Living with Alzheimer’s Disease, and Tracing Gay History from the early 1960s through today.

You will get to witness joy, sorrow, love, commitment, growth, change, faith, coping, compassion, belief, family and friends. 

Raw and honest but compassionate and uplifting. Gives hope to a situation which basically is hopeless and progressively more difficult. You will feel, however, uplifted when the curtain goes down!

• • • • •

Well, there you are. And you can giggle if you want to. Whenever I tell people the title of the musical I am working on, there is a brief moment of laughter then a change of expression to make sure they didn't offend! 

The idea of Alzheimer's Disease as a musical is funny, so laughter is appropriate. But why not a musical? If Tony can die in Maria's arms every night and sometimes twice on matinee days (West Side Story,) if a musical can tell a story about a lesbian who is dealing with her father's sudden death as she dives deep into her past to tell the story of the volatile, brilliant, one-of-a-kind man whose temperament and secrets defined her family and her life (Fun Home,) if people can be enthralled with the story of a previously, relatively little known father of our country (Hamilton;) why can it not be time for a beautiful love story between two gay men, one of whom is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and the story of their life as they cover 41 years of living through the process of Gay Liberation?

I think the world is ready for this musical. Two years in the planning, one year in the writing, and just recently completed; the book (script and story with stage, lighting, and character directions etc.) I am so excited at the prospect of the musical becoming a reality on Broadway, I cannot tell you! 

• • • • •

The idea to write this post about the musical started out with the realization of the risk, the hard work, and the fear of it.

As an idea, one can roll it around in one's head with no repercussions. What I foolishly wanted was for someone to hear about the story and be so engaged that they would listen to and read my stories and blog posts and then write a wonderful, successful Broadway musical!

Slowly I realized that I was the only one who could tell the story since the story was mine (and Gregory's) and therefore I was the only one who lived it! It was a painful process, as writing usually is for me. It took close to one year (including many edits) to come into being.

First I began thinking and taking notes about the shape of the musical including the kind of musical scenes, dances, and conversations etc it might include. Next, I took notes on the important parts of Gregory and my meeting, falling in love, and becoming a couple for over 41 years. I carefully looked at the Alzheimer's journey Gregory and I traveled and how to show the ups and downs as the disease progressed. More notes were made on the Gay Liberation milestones we lived experienced over our lifetime together.

Then the writing of the draft began. Any author can tell you that the first thing they write is usually terrible and very painful. It is in the editing, the rewriting, the rethinking and rewriting that over time it becomes something of which the author can be proud. But write one must and only by getting it all out on paper, can the process to success begin. One needs something on paper to play with, to correct, on which to muse and eventually, maybe, arrive at the completion of the work.

I worked on creating descriptions of the characters, the settings, the order of the scenes and acts, the type of "Broadway Musical" schtick to include. I created an outline of the story and then slowly, meticulously, painfully began filling in each part of the outline. Editing of the story itself went on continuously and arranging and re-arranging of the order the events was a constant.

Slowly the changing, drafting, and editing slowed down and concentration on the writing of dialogue or the purpose of the various dances and experiences shared took over. 

When I finally got to the point of feeling "done" I was quite thrilled, but in many ways, the musical still only existed in my mind. The process of getting it printed, bound into a notebook, creating the cover letter to people I wanted to critique my work made the musical more real. And with the reality of it, the anxiety level again increased because the risk of people not liking it, or my not being successful in getting the work onto the stage or even knowing what steps are necessary to do so. The biggest fear, was of FAILURE!

It was no longer just Gregory and my story as told by me, it was now a document that was being shared with at least a dozen people. Some of the people which whom the book was shared included close friends, other acquaintances, some knew the story as Gregory and I had lived it, others have had experience in Broadway musical, some were young and some older, some Gay and some straight. I told everyone to be brutally honest and I believe they will. So more pain and anxiety.

Even while discussing the pain, difficulties, fears, anxieties etc of this process; I also feel very optimistic and positive. I have been going to a lot of musicals recently both in New York City and in Chicago: Hello Dolly, Tootsie, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, Gypsy, The Band Visits, Dear Evan Hanson, and others.

As I sit in the ornate beautiful theaters, with the red velvet seats around me and red velvet curtain in front of me, as I feel the energy and expectations of the arriving theatergoers, as I hear the orchestra tuning up, as I experience the lights dimming and the usual preliminary announcements being made, and as the overture begins ... I imagine that I am experiencing MY musical beginning and can visualize what it will look like, sound like, and feel like. I hear the audience's laughter, sighs, and tears and feel the applause, I imagine opening night with so many family and friends in the audience and imagine being part of bows at the end of the evening, I feel the glass of white wine in my hand as I mingle at the opening night party. And I can feel it ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical! And so it will be!

ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical

This is the first posting of this next project / idea of mine.

Gregory and my love story is known by many, has received tears and rave reviews and awards around the world via the documentary created by Gabe Schimmel, Monica Petruzzelli, Riani Singgh, and Amanda Lee as told by Gregory Maire and Michael Horvich.

Besides the beautiful love story which took place over 41+ years,  there is Gregory and Michael's journey with Gregory's Alzheimer's over 12 years, finishing its run on October 4, 2015 when Gregory left on his next adventure on the other side of this life.

Finally, our documentary subjects, are old enough 😄, to have lived through so many (maybe most) of the millstones and milestones of the Gay Liberation Movement beginning pre-Stonewall and ending up at the United States Supreme Court's decision in favor of same sex marriage.

So it only felt natural that the world is ready for a Broadway Musical in which the three stories are woven into a heart wrenching, loving story; humorous and silly at times, with inspirational hellos and goodbyes, laughter and tears, sorrow and joy, raw and honest but compassionate and uplifting.

In The Mirror

Last night Gregory and I went to see Camelot, that great classic musical by Lerner and Loewe, at Light Opera Works in Evanston. The audience was made up mostly of older people. Everywhere I looked, I "saw" my parents. Or was I looking at myself?