COMING SOON

The Museum of Michael’s Mind:

Memoirs, Memories, & Meanderings

VOLUME ONE

BACK COVER

“With soft humor and gentle wonder, Michael generously shares his reflections on compassion and connection. What he has learned will resonate in your heart and mind.” 

Patricia Anderson May 2010 EWW Conference.

• • •

Over 150 short writings including creative non-fiction, fiction, dreams, thoughts, experiences, memories, and more. Michael’s writing is easy, engaging, and at times eloquent. Figurative, fanciful, and at times funny. Meaningful, meandering, and at times moving. Detailed, descriptive, and at times deep.

• • •

“…the audience for which he wrote this book includes: (unabashedly) himself, those who might have thought similar thoughts to his, those who have had similar experiences as he has had. It is for those who have wondered about things, those who have looked for answers, those who have supported a close one through living with Alzheimer’s, those who have grieved the death of a loved one and celebrated the birth of a new being. He hopes to let the reader know they are not alone in this frightening, overwhelming, impermanent, wonderful world.”

• • •

His author’s “voice” suggests that you get a cup of coffee and join him in a conversation about life. Since it is his voice, you will probably not be able to get a word in but still, the experience should be an enjoyable one!

He made a baker’s dozen of his favorite chocolate chip cookies with walnuts. If you do to like the nuts, just pull them off and put them on the side! Another cup of coffee? Sure. And have another cookie. 

Going Within: Part ―Writing

For all of us, whether we realize it or not, this COVID 19 has caused us to "go within" to discover new and interesting things about ourselves, our environment, our existence.

For me, part of the isolation has led me to revisit and strengthen some of my writing abilities, my collecting talents, and my love of solitude. In this blog, I will discuss my writing. In the next blog, I will discuss my collecting. In a third blog, I will look at solitude.

I just completed a short memoir called, Counting Down the Yardstick: A Reincarnation Memoir in which I talk about an experience I had many years ago with past life regression, visiting who I was in previous lives. Some won't believe in this possibility and many will have their doubts.

I experienced it and totally believe in reincarnation, the ability to visit these lives, and that who I am today consists not only of everything I have experienced in this life but also in many others. The book will soon be available on amazon.com, barnesandnobel.com, and lulu.com. I will post their availability.

It was fun putting the experience into words. Every morning I spend a minimum of one and a maximum of three hours writing. Some time is spent writing these blogs. I didn't count the number of hours it took to complete Yardstick bet I'll bet it took days and days.

The book jacket description is as follows: In Counting Down the Yardstick, a Creative Non-Fiction Memoir, Michael takes you on a romp that begins in the1600s and continues to the present. He visits five past lives, with the help of David a Past Life Regressionist. The lives include: Italian Baker, Carmelite Nun, Midway Carny, Towheaded Boy, and a Midwestern Farmer’s Wife. A sixth story, a sort of autobiography, is about Michael’s current life, his current incarnation.

The next project I picked up what something that was begun in 2011. Chris, a nephew of friend John, and I picked up a correspondence via e-mail which lasted two years. He was in college at the time and we would see each other on and off over the years at holiday functions at John's house. Our relationship strengthened if only because at the time I was a poet/writer and he was doing a lot of writing as well. Should I call him "an aspiring" writer? 

Anyway, in the way of a book by Rainer Maria Rilke, Conversation With a Young Poet, I got the idea to compile Chris' and my two-year communication into book form. 

This is the book jacket description: This book is a compilation of e-mails, conversations between two writers seeking comfort, solace, and safety in sharing their work, ideas about writing, and life philosophies (and aren’t those really all about the same thing?) 

One of the writers is younger, developing his personhood, studying for his undergraduate degree, trying to discover and/or determine who he is in relationship to the world. Between studies and social life, precious time must be eked out to write. Self-confidence is being developed and at times dashed. He doesn’t want to be told what to do or when to do it and in some ways thinks he knows everything.

The other writer is older, experienced, no longer trying to discover but is rather trying to refine who he is. Degrees and professional experiences and successes are in place, free time is more than available to write. Life experiences have helped him develop his attitudes and beliefs. Day to day life still gets in the way but for the most part, life is settled and he has plenty of time to write. Being older, however, he does wonder if he is becoming a curmudgeon, getting set in his ways, unwilling to bend, not wanting to change or learn something new, becoming lazy.

I expect Relationship to be ready before Christmas. Meanwhile, I have been motivated to pick up on a number of writing projects which have been collecting dust on the metaphorical shelf. 

I have at least a dozen children's picture book stories completed. I am not an illustrator so if (when) I find an agent or publisher, it is their job to assign one of their illustrators to the project. The work for this project is not in "the writing of it," but rather in "the promotion of it."

That job is a tedious one including finding who might be interested in my kind of children's stories, writing inquiry letters, waiting for replies (which often do not come,)  and promotion of the writing to convince a publisher or agent to pick me as a client. 

When I spent my two-week residency at the Ragdale Foundation, having won a juried application scholarship in Creative Non-Fiction Writing, I created a project called, The Museum of Michael's Mind. It consisted of spending the two weeks organizing previous writing and doing some new writing as well which included short stories, essays, dream interpretation, life observations, experiences, poetry, etc. 

Subsequently, I pulled all of the Dementia/ Alzheimer's writing dealing with my walking alongside my life partner, Gregory, on his path with the disease and began a memoir called Gyroscope: An Alzheimer's Love Story. Need to get back to that.

Also, need to look at the rest of the "Museum of Michael's Mind" and see if any of that work might do well in another form of personal memoir.

Not necessarily a "writing project" per se but other projects include getting back to already existing works: "ALZHEIMER'S: A Musical Love Story", "ALZHEIMER'S: An Opera Love Story", "ALZHEIMER'S: The Dialogues", and a few others.

You might say that I have been making good use of my months of being in semi-self-quarantine due to the COVID 19 pandemic!

Writing

Anaïs Nin > Quotes > Quotable Quote

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”

― Anais Nin

The Writing Life

Interesting that when my life is calm, when I have no majorly pressing decisions, when my health is for the most part in place ... my need to write is diminished. I have also notice that since Gregory passed, my need to pour out poetry is almost gone.

At first, I lamented the disappearance of both and felt I should call out an All Points Bulletin to force myself to find where both had gone to. Then I realized that it is not that they have disappeared, the need behind them has disappeared. Make sense?

Work on "GREGORY: An Alzheimer's Love Story Musical," continues to move inch by inch to the magnificent mile that I imagine the musical could be. It exists completed in my mind's eyes. The story, the sets, the costumes, the actors, the music, the words, the dancing, the sorrow, the joy, the humor, the terror. They all exist. Now I need to birth it.

There are other writing projects that I might revitalize. I have at least a dozen children's picture book stories, the most notable being "My Kitty is a Memory Now," which is a story about my cat Mirah and my dealing with her death. Perhaps the book will help children deal with the death not only of pets but also family and friends who die.

Perhaps I should try my hand at fiction and write my first novel (or start with a short story at least) but for some reason creating life doesn't really interest me. My strength comes with recreating existing life and possibly giving it order and shedding light on its meaning.

Anyway, a sabbatical from writing seems fair and better than calling it writer's block. Don't you agree? Happy Thanksgiving. I am off to put out my Christmas decorations early so I have time to bake cookies!

Problems into Possibilities

Turning Problems into Possibilities

The moment you notice it, take hold of that mental affliction with your attention and purposefully turn it into an aspiration. It’s as though you see the mental affliction as raw material, the way a potter would view clay. You don’t see clay as a problem; you see it as an opportunity to create something. —Lama Kathy Wesley, “Your Mistakes Are Progress”

I would add "physical" affliction to "mental" affliction as raw material. To address both mental and physical, I have been actively making changes in my life. It feels good to actually be doing something about something I have been unhappy about! I am not taking the clay of my life and fashioning it into the opportunity to create a new sculpture of my life.

This approach to turning problems into possibilities also means turning around your thinking. If you wake up with a painful hip, notice it and turn it into I am working on treating my body in a way that makes my hip feel healthy and whole. It means being thankful for a positive outcome as though it has already manifested, and even better knowing that it has begun!

Previously, I believe, I wrote about some of the pangs of growing older, this post is a review for myself of the changes I have made to live the positive aspects of growing older.

My painful hips, knees, rotator cuffs, neck, lower back, etc. cause me to limit my activity. On waking, my hips and lower back are so painful as to make me feel "crippled." I sit in front of my computer for too long of a time and raise stiff and sometimes in pain. Stairs have become more difficult for me to climb: up and down!

Began with a Pulmonary Doctor who thought I had COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, involving constriction of the airways and difficulty or discomfort in breathing) but all my tests came back "normal." Yet I seem more easily out of breath. Carrying groceries in from the car, to the condo, and putting them away has become a more difficult task.

My sleeping habits have become erratic again and I nap for up to an hour almost every day. My weight is stable at "TOO MUCH!" Yet I have not been enjoying my meals. Sweets, pastries, etc have always been a downfall and Christmas Treats were no different.

I will not even go into changes and minor difficulties with bathroom activities!

But enough for the NEGATIVE side of me. There is also a VERY POSITIVE aspect to my life on which I am actively working and maybe it is just in time for the New Year, 2019, although I do not believe in New Year Resolutions. Those usually fail by January 15th!

I decided that I will grow older gracefully in those areas over which I have no control but will take in hand those over which I do. So I have begun to work harder on physical limitations that do not need to be so limiting. It feels good not only to have made this decision but to have been working on it now for over one month!

1) I am now working with a personal trainer. Our sessions have been so helpful to my overall body awareness and I engage in the stretching and movement even on days when she is not here. Yesterday, we decided to have her come to the condo twice a week if only because we are making so much progress. Once we get a routine in place in the condo, she will come with me to LA Fitness (downstairs of the condo) to see what I might do there to continue the good work we do (upstairs in the condo.)

2) My Guru, Corrine, introduced me to the trainer and Corrine will be working with me to develop some Yoga and Buddhist Meditations and Practices to compliment the work of the trainer. 

Here is a "Heartfelt Desires" page I developed on Corrine's recommention:

Heartfelt Desires

PART ONE: December 15, 2018 (Gray Font)

Working with Jessica Dare (Physical Trainer) and Corinne Peterson (Yoga Teacher/Guru,) I am setting down preliminary Heartfelt Desires for my Body Awareness, Movement, and Care Practice.

These desires are made in positive statements, with gratitude and thankfulness for their already being a chosen focus of my daily life, already being part of my experience, and already seeing progress accomplished.

PART TWO: December 21, 2018 (Black Font)

The next part of the process is to take each one and imagine it were already true, right now, in this moment. How would each feel in the body of it were true?

• • • • •

I am comfortable in my body and as a 73 year old, I look and feel good in my clothing.

Feeling better about myself, enjoying shopping for exciting new clothing, am proud of how I look, look forward to “dressing up” in sport coat etc. Confident in my presence with others.

My breathing is full and deep.

Energetic, doing more, getting out on every day activities as well as special ones in nature. Fairing well in all I attempt Not avoiding activities due to fear.

My energy is high and easily available.

My health is strong and free from illness and injury.

Facing each day knowing I am OK. Not working unnecessarily about “old age.” Looking forward to spending each day productively and positively.

My body movement and stretching, walking and exercise add to my all around good health and happiness.

Exercising regularly and daily. Looking forward to the day’s movement activities. Knowing that what I do adds to my overall health and therefore the ability to do what I want and to enjoy myself and my life. Doing things now that I have not been able to do in the recent past.

My eating habits are thoughtful and I am aware of how my choices affect my Heartfelt Desires.

Feeling good about what I eat and the decisions I make. Not feeling guilty about the decisions I make and or over the ones I know I should make but do not. Feeling comfortable not bloated or stomach sick.

I allow my eating choices to be at the “comfort food” level now and then, but keep these choices as the exception and not the rule.

Giving myself permission to eat for pleasure, but now and then, not all the time. Feeling the power of being able to make good eating decisions for myself. Feeling powerful in being part of the “solution” for myself, not the problem.

My strength, cardio, and flexibility health continue to improve as I continue to pay attention to these Heartfelt Desires.

Besides living well day to day, I am making my future potential life better. I am giving my body the chance to take care of me and allowing me to live longer and better. I am more active day to day as well as over time. I am able to do things I have not been able to do. I look forward to travel: in the U.S., in Europe, and in more challenging places like Asia.

• • • • •

I get a massage every other week, again very beneficial to my overall good health feeling and am thinking of increasing it to every week. Sarah, my massage therapist of 5+ years uses Thai Massage rather than table massage.

Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotions. The recipient remains clothed during treatment. There is constant body contact between the giver and receiver, but rather than rubbing on muscles, the body is compressed, pulled, stretched and rocked.

The recipient wears loose, comfortable clothing and lies on a mat or firm mattress on the floor. The receiver will be positioned in a variety of yoga-like positions during the course of the massage, that is also combined with deep static and rhythmic pressures.

The massage generally follows designated lines in the body. The legs and feet of the giver can be used to position the body or limbs of the recipient. In other positions, hands fix the body, while the feet do the massaging. There is a standard procedure and rhythm to the massage, which the giver will adjust to fit the receiver.

3) I joined Weight Watchers and have begun to be more careful in what I choose to eat.

4) I will begin a series of acupuncture sessions, with Marc, to work on my lower back and hip problems. A number of years ago, Marc helped me work through some fairly severe Rotator Cuff problems.

5) I have been meditating every day, sometimes for a short period of time and sometimes for longer periods of time. I use my own techniques (learned from Corrine) and also use the online "headspace.com."

6) I also have been reading and continuing my studies in Buddhism. Next step will be to find someone or someplace where I can participate in discussions of what I read about and about newly learned ideas.

• • • • •

So all in all, I feel pretty good about who I am today and where I am going tomorrow. I didn't even talk about my continuing writing, working on my memoirs, continuing the push to create ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical, and making presentations to various groups on living well with Alzheimer's Dementia. I also didn't talk about how much I continue to love my condo, my kitties, my friends, and my family.

So all in all, it looks like the beginning of a beautiful 2 0 1 9 !

ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical

A heart-wrenching love story: humorous, funny, often serious and sad with inspirational hellos and moving goodbyes, laughter and tears, sorrow and joy, across milestones and millstones, and across lifetimes and generations.

A musical love story that weaves together three tapestries into one masterpiece: A beautiful love story, Living with Alzheimer’s Disease, and Tracing Gay History from the early 1960s through today.

You will get to witness joy, sorrow, love, commitment, growth, change, faith, coping, compassion, belief, family and friends. 

Raw and honest but compassionate and uplifting. Gives hope to a situation which basically is hopeless and progressively more difficult. You will feel, however, uplifted when the curtain goes down!

• • • • •

Well, there you are. And you can giggle if you want to. Whenever I tell people the title of the musical I am working on, there is a brief moment of laughter then a change of expression to make sure they didn't offend! 

The idea of Alzheimer's Disease as a musical is funny, so laughter is appropriate. But why not a musical? If Tony can die in Maria's arms every night and sometimes twice on matinee days (West Side Story,) if a musical can tell a story about a lesbian who is dealing with her father's sudden death as she dives deep into her past to tell the story of the volatile, brilliant, one-of-a-kind man whose temperament and secrets defined her family and her life (Fun Home,) if people can be enthralled with the story of a previously, relatively little known father of our country (Hamilton;) why can it not be time for a beautiful love story between two gay men, one of whom is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and the story of their life as they cover 41 years of living through the process of Gay Liberation?

I think the world is ready for this musical. Two years in the planning, one year in the writing, and just recently completed; the book (script and story with stage, lighting, and character directions etc.) I am so excited at the prospect of the musical becoming a reality on Broadway, I cannot tell you! 

• • • • •

The idea to write this post about the musical started out with the realization of the risk, the hard work, and the fear of it.

As an idea, one can roll it around in one's head with no repercussions. What I foolishly wanted was for someone to hear about the story and be so engaged that they would listen to and read my stories and blog posts and then write a wonderful, successful Broadway musical!

Slowly I realized that I was the only one who could tell the story since the story was mine (and Gregory's) and therefore I was the only one who lived it! It was a painful process, as writing usually is for me. It took close to one year (including many edits) to come into being.

First I began thinking and taking notes about the shape of the musical including the kind of musical scenes, dances, and conversations etc it might include. Next, I took notes on the important parts of Gregory and my meeting, falling in love, and becoming a couple for over 41 years. I carefully looked at the Alzheimer's journey Gregory and I traveled and how to show the ups and downs as the disease progressed. More notes were made on the Gay Liberation milestones we lived experienced over our lifetime together.

Then the writing of the draft began. Any author can tell you that the first thing they write is usually terrible and very painful. It is in the editing, the rewriting, the rethinking and rewriting that over time it becomes something of which the author can be proud. But write one must and only by getting it all out on paper, can the process to success begin. One needs something on paper to play with, to correct, on which to muse and eventually, maybe, arrive at the completion of the work.

I worked on creating descriptions of the characters, the settings, the order of the scenes and acts, the type of "Broadway Musical" schtick to include. I created an outline of the story and then slowly, meticulously, painfully began filling in each part of the outline. Editing of the story itself went on continuously and arranging and re-arranging of the order the events was a constant.

Slowly the changing, drafting, and editing slowed down and concentration on the writing of dialogue or the purpose of the various dances and experiences shared took over. 

When I finally got to the point of feeling "done" I was quite thrilled, but in many ways, the musical still only existed in my mind. The process of getting it printed, bound into a notebook, creating the cover letter to people I wanted to critique my work made the musical more real. And with the reality of it, the anxiety level again increased because the risk of people not liking it, or my not being successful in getting the work onto the stage or even knowing what steps are necessary to do so. The biggest fear, was of FAILURE!

It was no longer just Gregory and my story as told by me, it was now a document that was being shared with at least a dozen people. Some of the people which whom the book was shared included close friends, other acquaintances, some knew the story as Gregory and I had lived it, others have had experience in Broadway musical, some were young and some older, some Gay and some straight. I told everyone to be brutally honest and I believe they will. So more pain and anxiety.

Even while discussing the pain, difficulties, fears, anxieties etc of this process; I also feel very optimistic and positive. I have been going to a lot of musicals recently both in New York City and in Chicago: Hello Dolly, Tootsie, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, Gypsy, The Band Visits, Dear Evan Hanson, and others.

As I sit in the ornate beautiful theaters, with the red velvet seats around me and red velvet curtain in front of me, as I feel the energy and expectations of the arriving theatergoers, as I hear the orchestra tuning up, as I experience the lights dimming and the usual preliminary announcements being made, and as the overture begins ... I imagine that I am experiencing MY musical beginning and can visualize what it will look like, sound like, and feel like. I hear the audience's laughter, sighs, and tears and feel the applause, I imagine opening night with so many family and friends in the audience and imagine being part of bows at the end of the evening, I feel the glass of white wine in my hand as I mingle at the opening night party. And I can feel it ALZHEIMER'S: The Musical! And so it will be!

The Art and Craft of Writing

I consider myself a writer and a poet. When reading about the "art/craft of writing" from other writers/poets, they will all tell you that you must be a voracious reader. I see one problem, however, with that. When I read I find myself jealous of other writers and how beautifully, creatively, intelligently, seemingly easily, etc, they accomplish their feat. In other words, I begin to compare my writing to theirs and I begin to doubt my own abilities.

I have also read a number of books by famous writers about writing. That creates more of a Doubt Dilemma! A few of such books I have read include:
- "The View From the Cheap Seats" by Neil Gaiman
- "Talking About Detective Fiction" by P.D. James
- "The Maeve Binchy Writers' Club" by Maeve Binchy
- "Zen in the Art of Writing" by Ray Bradbury
- "On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft" by Stephen King
- ... among others.

Granted I am comparing myself to writers who have been published by legitimate publishing houses and their books sit on shelves at bookstores around the world! I am self-published and have had a number of essays published here and there. One day I want to be signing autographs for you at the local bookstore!

I do think I write well and I do think I "have something to say!" What I do not have is the motivation to sell myself. You will hear this from many artists, "I love doing my art, I do not love having to promote myself and I do not enjoy trying to sell my art."

So my advice to myself is this: Be a voracious reader but do not judge yourself by comparing your writing to that of others. You are you and that is good enough. There is only one of you and that is probably enough. I so enjoy writing that it is the doing of it that counts and hopefully someday I will be published but that is not the point.

Meanwhile, I do have an audience here at my BLOG, I do receive KUDOS and standing ovations at the presentations I give (having spent a lot of time writing and fine-tuning them,) I have had four Guest Columns in The Windy City Times (the LGBTQ Newspaper of the Greater Chicago Area,) and mostly ... I love to write! In fact, I NEED to write almost every day or I feel a withdrawal of sorts.

Here a link to my website where you will find a quick link to various essays of mine that have been published:

http://www.horvich.com

Anne Lamott: The Truths of Life

If you haven't, read this woman's work. She is sacred and sacrilegious. Take the time to listen to this TED Talk.

GYROSCOPE: An Alzheimer's Love Story

The title of this post is the working title of a book of memoirs I am working on.  A manuscript of my memoirs already exists which dealt with the early part of Gregory and my living with Alzheimer's. It covers the day of the diagnosis until seven years later. At that time I stopped writing the manuscript and began my "michael a. horvich cares about alzheimer's" BLOG. 

I made a half hearted attempt to get the manuscript published, thinking it could be the first book with further "adventures" covered in sequels. But my efforts were either ignored or received polite (or form letter) rejections. Ah ...  the way of a writer who would rather write than promote what is written.

But I am back to promoting. I feel that my writing is well done, the experience for the reader is intimate, the lessons learned can be helpful to others, and based on my research there are no other books out there like mine. Most of those published deal with heterosexual couples supporting each other or children helping older parents. In our case we are dealing with a relatively younger Gay couple who started this business in their late 50's.

My memoirs deal with walking the Dementia/ Alzheiemr's path with my same sex partner of 41 years. Alzheimer’s does not discriminate and the fact that we are a same sex partner disappears into the story which is mainly about two people who love each other and what they experience and have to deal with along the path.

I am excited about taking the PDF's from my BLOG, converting them into a WORDX document, editing, and adding them to my existing manuscript. I have set this as my "winter's work" as I continue fine tuning what I hope will eventually be my legitimately published book dealing with living with and loving someone diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. 

I will keep you posted on my progress. Meanwhile, if you have any strong connections to editors, agents, or publishing houses who you feel might be interested in my work, please let me know. I can send them a letter of inquiry with sample chapters and maybe they will make me an offer I cannot refuse!

I Write

Update

I continue to spend most of my writing energies on the Alzheimer's blog. Come visit me there to find out how things are going. I will be attending the screening of "Alzheimer's: A Love Story," a documentary that tells Gregory and my story about living with Alzheimer's.

http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com

On Writing, On Life

Interesting that it more difficult to write about interesting, fun, timely things here than it is to write about emotional, difficult, worrisome things on my Alzheimer's BLOG. Guilt plays a role in making me come here when the last post date gets too far for comfort.

"Write everyday if you want to consider yourself a writer." Sit down and write about whatever comes into your head. Use writing motivations to help you get started. Write non-stop for ten minutes about whatever you are thinking about. But that doesn't always work.

For me, writing is a way of processing my life. Understanding it. Sitting with the difficult emotions that arise and seeing what they are telling me. Laughing over the amusing funny things that happen. Wondering about what I see and perceive around me. Thinking about and planing creative ventures and projects.

I was worried about getting through the holiday season this year since it was going to be the first Christmas and New Year's that Gregory and I did not celebrate together in forty years. But then I got to thinking about what a good (relatively) place we are in today compared to the hell our life was last year BL (Before-Lieberman.)

Also, I was able to celebrate with Gregory, just in a different way. I had my meals with him in the Lieberman dining room, we opened gifts, we had a Christmas tree in his room, we watched our usual holiday videos.

So now we are in a new year, a time of resolutions, a time of plans, a time to move forward. But can I do that when in many ways I feel like I am still "on hold" with Gregory as he continues to change and decline.

I visit almost every day for an hour or two and that cheers me up. I am in the process of signing up for Hospice for him which feels empowering to be able to control that part of the future which I am able.

But when I am home I am lonely, miss him so much, and feel lethargic finding  it is easier to not face my creativity, my projects, my day to day life maintenance. Gregory is still a very large part of my life and my focus. I am happy that he is still with me and that he is content, happy, safe, well taken care of.

So you can imagine that most of my writing is directed towards my Alzheimer's BLOG.
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com .

But what about me? Maybe another year will help me feel more my new self and help me get on with life. Maybe another year will help me realize those many projects I have created for myself. Maybe I'll get back into being a Supernumerary for the opera, Ringmaster for Michael's Flea Circus, Curator of a second museum The Small, Writer, Poet, Public Speaker? Maybe I will slowly get used to my life without the old Gregory, the old relationship, the old times together.

Or maybe I'll just continue to post more often on the Alzheimer's BLOG for now and see how life unfolds for me without too much pressure, too much fear, too much regret, too much frustration, too much anger. Maybe LIFE will sneak up and before I notice, I will be the new me?

Another Milestone

As I mentioned in a previous post, being a Gay Man of 70 years, I have not been able to measure my life in milestones as do non-gay men who grew up when I did. In the traditional situation, a man measures his life by his accomplishments and successes but also by family events.

Nowadays a gay couple or individual can adopt and have a somewhat traditional family of his/her own. In the post I discussed what it felt like being a "father figure" and/or mentor to a series of young men who entered Gregory and my life and how this served as a series of milestones for me.

Isaac became part of our experience when he was born to dear friends Jan and Jake and now to me during his recent living in the condo until he leaves for his adventure in Japan.

Ben, Ken, and Alaksh arrived as companions to Gregory when I needed support in providing Gregory as close to a normal existence as possible considering his diagnosis of Young Onset Alzheimer's Disease and also giving myself "away time" from the 24/7 responsibility that is loving and living with someone who has dementia.

One other important young man, who I though about last night as I anticipate his Christmas vacation visit, was also a milestone event for me but I did not discuss him previously. I will use his initials, CP, so as not to embarrass him in this honest essay and if my failing to include him previously caused upset, I apologize and hope to make up for it here.

I first met CP when he was just a child, nephew of dear friends. He did not distinguish himself in my mind over the years of his being part of this multiple nephew/niece group of dear friends whom we only saw each July 4th.

As he grew up, became a man, and began attending university, we reacquainted on a more intellectual, adult/adult level.

I have to admit I was attracted to him: young, handsome, intelligent, kind, friendly. Why wouldn't I be. I was attracted to his respect for me and honoring me as someone to whom he looked up. I was flattered and why wouldn't I be.

While I admit to this "crush," he was never in danger of my acting on the "crush" as I honor the friendship above all else and even more strongly would never betray or seek to realize an inappropriate man/youth attraction/fantasy with anyone so far out of my age range and certainly not without mutual consent.

So CP and I began what was to become months of e-mail communications based on the book, "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainer-Maria Rilke. Our mutual love of writing was the glue that supported our new relationship. Recommended readings and shared writings were sent back and forth.

We talked about poetry, writing, life, death, and everything in-between. He shared his youthful ideas: sometimes foolish, sometimes insightful. I shared my "wiser" ideas: sometimes foolish, sometimes insightful. Over time we came to know and respect each other and our foolish if not sometimes insightful ideas.

Most often we agreed with each other and most often we learned from each other. Most importantly we peaked each other's interest, motived each other to higher thinking, and motivated our continued sharing.

Since then, conversations have disappeared, understandably so as he became more immeshed in his university studies and as I became more entrenched in my life partner Gregory's diminished abilities due to his diagnosis of Young Onset Alzheimer's Disease.

So thank you CP for being one of my milestones in "growing into old age gracefully" and into having been yet again a mentor to another amazing young man. I look forward to our upcoming visit during your Christmas break. Like the nurturing person I am (and to use an older gay joking phrase - an Old Auntie,) I will probably bake some cookies for your visit.

Conflict in Literature

Thanks you my friend Jan Yourist for this:

Writing

Today, my friend and fellow writer Pat and I went to a presentation at the Chicago Cultural Arts Festival. The discussion was with Justin Torres who wrote We The Animals. Hearing him talk about his work of fiction caused me to think about myself as a writer and what I believe to be true about myself when it comes to my writing.

I am more of a memoirist than anything. Most of my stories are true although some embellishment of the details may help fill out the stories where my memory fails me.

For me, making up a story is the farthest from what I want to do when I feel  I have so many of my own stories to tell and isn't recounting and/or explaining life a series of Story Telling Experiences?

Saying this makes me feel like I may sound vain and a little self important, but far from that when I explain that I have always compared Fiction Writers to God while Memoirists are just  Story Tellers.

To create a uniquely new, previously non-existant life from bits and pieces of one's experience and lots of research; a life with beginnings, middles, and ends; a life with colors and nuances, joys and sorrows, celebrations and tragedies; is more like an act of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh.

The Memoirist's job is to retell his stories in a way that is interesting, engaging, humorous, at times not so funny; all added to other possible descriptors. There may be red herrings, plot twists, flash-backs, and other surprises. The stories can sound like fiction but they are not. The line between the two styles of literature is thin and I can see where the two may easily cross at times.

When I asked Mr. Torres to talk about how much of his book is about him even though it is a work of fiction, when compared to a memoirist who shares his real life experiences with possibly some embellishment, he felt my use of the word embellishment was a strange choice. I do not think so.

I think he skirted the issue on what is the definition and interpretation of Fiction vs Memoirs to which I will add, possibly the definition of the newer genre of Creative Non-Fiction.

Fiction is defined as literature in the form of prose, esp. short stories and novels, that describes imaginary events and people.

Memoirs is a historical account or biography written from personal knowledge or special sources. 

Creative Non-Fiction writing, which I sometimes more easily refer to as Memoirs (but also known as literary nonfiction or narrative nonfiction,) interestingly takes many more words to define. 

It is a genre of writing that uses literary styles and techniques to create factually accurate narratives. Creative nonfiction contrasts with other nonfiction, such as technical writing or journalism, which is also rooted in accurate fact, but is not primarily written in service to its craft. 

As a genre, creative nonfiction is still relatively young, and is only beginning to be scrutinized with the same critical analysis given to fiction and poetry.

P.S. Poetry is my second form of literary expression! Interesting.

Update

Rather than "writing" I am writing about why I am not posting. I think with good reason. Many projects keep me away from this BLOG. I'll share a few of them with you.

1) Gregory and my 24/7 dealing with Alzheimer's.

2) Writing about number 1 on my Alzheimer's BLOG.

3) About to begin my last and final draft of Sit With Me A While Longer, my second volume of poetry.

4) Working on my memoirs: Gyroscope: An Alzheimer's Love Story. The manuscript is finished but I am working on tweaking (not twerking) it and then sending it out to publishers again.

5) Spending time on my first fiction piece, working title "Counting Down The Yardstick." This is based on an experience with Reincarnation. Some would say it is non-fiction, others ... fiction. Being my first piece of what I am calling fiction, it also includes a lot of research.

6) A children's story using the Victorian Puppet Theater, given to me by Eric, a friend of ours.  Working title, The Once Upon A Time Stories.

7) Maintaining the space and creating new product for my booth at The Galleria in Evanston, an artist cooperative shop. I originally started selling 1) crocheted beaded rope necklaces and since have developed a line of what I call 2) "Bauble Necklaces" which are ball chain necklaces with interesting baubles hanging on them and also new my 2) Little Greeting Gifts which are miniatures in small boxes with a greeting card included: Example-a compass with a card that says "You give direction to my life!"

8) More to come...