Remembering His Black Grand Piano

Gregory took his mom and his niece to Safir's Piano in Wilmette, Illinois. They were going to help him choose his new piano. He asked Gizelle, owner with her husband of Safir's, about pricing. Her reply was, "Don't ask about price. Play as many pianos as you want until you find the one that speaks to you. Then we will talk about price!"

He proceeded to audition several dozen pianos with his mother and niece jury chiming in. Bits of Bach and Chopin echoed through the otherwise empty two-floor showrooms of pianos of every size, every finish, and every maker." I hadn't realized that the sound pianos make could be as varied as there are human voice differences. Gregory called it "feeling the action of the piano."

Eventually, he found one that said, "Gregory, I love you!" Helen and Renee agreed. And they approached Gizelle. Because Gregory had sold so many of her pianos to his Interior Design customers, she made him an offer he could not refuse. She gave him the piano for her cost, and not only cost but what she paid for it five years earlier when she obtained it! 

The piano was a handbuilt, Kawai parlor grand piano, some five to six feet in length with a matte black finish. Gregory always made it his business to dust the piano carefully and to not leave any fingerprints on the lid. Also, unlike many a movie you may have seen, nothing was ever on top of the piano like a line of photographs of family or important people in one's life! "It just shouldn't be done," Gregory would say.

Twelve years later, when Gregory could no longer play the piano due to his Alzheimer's/ Dementia, he decided to sell it. He said, "If I can't play it as well as I used to, I would rather someone have it who can. I can always listen to my Chopin on my CDs." 

We advertised and found a young pianist, a composer who was looking for a piano having just moved to Chicago from Los Angeles. He came to the house several times to audition the piano and he too heard it say, "I love you!" His name was Michael, fitting! Gregory sold it to him for the same price he paid many years earlier. The piano came and left with love and then more love.

Last night as I was listening to some "meditative music" at bedtime, a piano piece came on. It took me back to my days of lying on our couch listening to Gregory practicing his various piano pieces, making "clams" as he called incorrectly struck notes, until the piece became a perfect part of his memory, played perfectly!

Tears began to fill my eyes and the sobs were just around the corner. Grief never leaves. One just becomes stronger and better able to carry the load. Great love means great grief and who would have it any other way? I wondered, "Where did his piano talent go? What is the piano's life like these days?" 

Gigi (the cat who Gregory had picked out) came to me, as she always does in my sad moments, and snuggled in under my arm and purred. It was her way of "petting me! I settled down and eventually fell soundly asleep. Emotions, tears, and sorrow but carried on the joy of love.

His Face, Metaphorically Speaking

When young, I couldn't look closely at his face

for fear of him seeing me as I truly was.

When older, I couldn't look closely at his face

for fear of his seeing my wrinkles and my aging.

During Alzheimer's, I couldn't look closely at his face

for fear of his seeing my sorrow.

When he died, I couldn't look closely at his face

for my emotions of never seeing it again.

Now, I look closely at his face whenever I can,

when he comes to me in my dreams. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Every now and then this song comes on

and I take the time to let myself cry and breath

and cry and breath.

Gregory and I first heard this piece when

we were in Tuscany for the first time in 1999.

How Can I Go On

Freddie Mercury, Montserrat Caballé

When all the salt is taken from the sea,
I stand dethroned,
I'm naked and I bleed.
But when your finger no longer points the way,
Is anybody there to believe in me,
To hear my plea and take care of me?
How can I go on,
From day to day,
Who can make me strong in every way?
Where can I be safe,
Where can I belong,
In this great big world of sadness?
How can I forget

Those beautiful dreams that we shared.
They're lost and they're no where to be found.
How can I go on?
Sometimes I tremble in the dark.
I cannot see,
When people frighten me.
I try to hide myself so far from the crowd.
Is anybody there to comfort me?
Lord, take care of me.

Past, Present, Future

Woa. Almost a month to the day since I last posted. I have been thinking about this idea for a while so I will give it a try.

When I think about Gregory and my 41 years together, I end up thinking mostly of the last 12 after the diagnosis of Dementia, most likely Alzheimer's Disease. I wonder why is it difficult to pull up memories of our earlier and middle times together? I can do so if I work at it but for some reason revisiting the Alzheimer's times, the good and the difficult, come more easily.

Right after Gregory died and I was in the throws of catastrophic grieving, my God-son Isaac had a wise insight: "The intensity of the 12 years with Alzheimer's trumps (as in the card game) the 41 years of longevity of your relationship." While the balance has changed and I am more able to recall the 29+ years before the diagnosis, I still wonder why the early memories are more difficult to pull.

An explanation I came up with is that during our early and middle years, we just lived and loved with the good, the bad and the ugly that a growing relationship entails. There was no urgency in our day to day life: problems came and went, celebration arrived and left, milestones and millstones occured, the chapters in our life rolled one into the next; and we just lived our lives.

In my older years, I remember looking back at my younger years thinking that when I was in my 20's, 30's and 40's, I took life for granted assuming that I never would really die. Young adults do not think about those things, the future does not carry import, and if it does, they do not really comprehend that all life ends, sometimes before you expect it.

Life insurance is not a high priority because one cannot fathom one's death. As you age death takes a greater place on stage. Friends die unexpectedly and a parent or two die and you loose one or several pets ... but still, when it comes to the "self," your ego does not allow the reality of one's own death.

With the diagnosis of Dementia, most likely Alzheimer's, for Gregory (and me) I think we began to accept our mortality. We began to live more in the "here and now," live more "for today," be more "in the present." When one lives in this way, each experience, each event, each day becomes more important. Holidays are celebrated with more enthusiasm and more attention to detail if only who knows if we will have the holiday again next year?

So in working through all this, I wish (to no avail) that I had paid more attention to the pre-diagnosis days, that I had loved even more, that I had cared more intensely. What I do have left are the memories, which as I said are more difficult to pull up, but pull them up I can!

If I concentrate on working out the details of Gregory and my past time together, but at the same time not trying to live in the past or "beat myself up" with the failures of the past ... I can now assign more importance to them and remember them in "full color" with the beauty they carry.

Sometimes it is easier to leave the past in the past, but there is also merit in remembering. So what I find is that I must work at carrying a balance of joy with the sorrow. At times I allow the tears to flow and at other times I turn off the spiket. I re-live past times but also emphasize the present. And might I add that the future is another story that I will think about sometime in the future.

Merry Christmas 2017

Great love brings great grief. Especially at holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. But it does get better and joy wins over sorrow. This will be my third Christmas without Gregory, I am sad and miss him, but I am OK.

Ghost of Christmas Past

Christmas without Gregory is difficult although most of the time I am able to hold on to the joy we shared for so many (41) years and which I continue to share with his memory and his spirit. Sometimes I just need to sit with my emotions and miss him. 

In the shrine on the shelf with his remains, I keep a picture of him, his favorite Grandma Carrie in whose sewing box he rests, an always-on candle, some of his favorite dark chocolates, and a plant or flowers. For the season I have added a Christmas tree, a gingerbread boy and snowman cookie for each of us, his favorite Walker's Short Bread, and my newer collection of hearts.

The building model is a souvenir from the inn where we stayed in Stowe, Vermont when we had our civil union ceremony. Vermont was the first state to support same-sex unions. It was before the current level of acceptance and only served to protect us if we were residents of Vermont. For us it was more political and romantic! On the day we were united, a rainbow shown in the sky as we drove to the Justice of the Peace.

The Lyrics for Ghost of Christmas Past a song by Elizabeth Chan are playing in the background as I write this. The song makes me sad but in a way that I can handle. Great love brings great grief and great memories, great joy and great sorrow, great loneliness and periodically not just a few tears.

Snow is falling down

Covering the ground

Like a brand new page

For me to tell a story

About another time

Not so long ago 

I thought that I had nothing

When I had it all

When I was worried about what was under the tree

And left me blind to see the gifts in front of me

The years go by so fast

I thought that it would last

But now I'm dancing with the ghost of Christmas past

Tears are falling now

All alone to see

Sad upon a notion

Waves of memory

I wish upon a star

That sits on top my tree

To bring you back again to me

And all I ever want for Christmas is you

What I really want is for you to be here

Cause ohhhh

Silent night lonely night

Years go by so fast

I thought that it would last

But now I'm dancing with the ghost of Christmas past

Hospice Care

One should not feel bad about obtaining hospice care for their loved one! I also believe one should not offer their condolences just yet when they are told by a friend that someone in the family is now receiving hospice care!

Gregory had hospice care the last 12 or so months of his life and the hospice nurses, doctors, and social workers were wonderful. Not only in their extra care for Gregory but for the peace of mind and education they gave me on the trajectory of Alzheimer's and the process of dying. 

Those twelve months of his life were beautiful, full of love, and offered many unexpected gifts to both of us.

No one likes to face death but it is part of embracing life and something we all must do sooner or later for others in our life or for ourselves! People will say of Gregory's death, "I am so sorry." in my inimitable style I cannot just say thank you but need to reply, "I am NOT sorry he died. I miss him. I am sad. But I am NOT sorry.

He was ready to move on to his next adventure and that helped me be ready as well. Hospice made it comfortable for both of us." 

In our culture, we have what I consider the bad habit of avoiding talking about and openly dealing with death. We should use the example of the celebration of death as done for the Mexican Día de los Muertos, Day of the Dead!

Gregory's dad and mom, Ed and Helen, on left.

Michael's dad and mom, Lou and Adeline, on right.

• • •

Read more about Day of the Dead here:

http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2010/10/dia-de-los-muertos-day-of-dead.html

Also, an interesting Disney/Pixar movie arrives November 22

Last Night I Cried, "Happy Valentine's Day"

Don't know why I cried last night. Maybe because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and even though I still chat with Gregory, my Valentine only exists in my heart and in my head. I miss him so!

Maybe the emotions are raw because every morning I have been working on my memoirs and editing past blog posts. I am currently up to March 1, 2012! My experience with this editing alternates between seeing how WELL Gregory dealt with his changes, seeing how GOOD I was at supporting him, feeling BAD about when he was sad or frustrated, and feeling SAD about when I was not as good to him as I could have been!

Last night, the tears crept up slowly as I looked at Gregory's photograph which sits on the shelf next to a photo of his childhood favorite person, Grandma Carrie, and next to that, her sewing box which contains Gregory's remains.

I say goodnight to the photo every night and some sixteen months later, the photograph most often brings fond memories and joy; and peace in the knowing that he is no longer struggling with Dementia/ Alzheimer's.

Sometimes the photograph brings back the experience of our final goodbyes as I sat with his dead body ... but usually even with this image, the fond memories and joy and peace remain.

I flash on arriving at Lieberman at 12:30 PM or so on Sunday, October 4, 2015. Gregory had just died maybe 30 minutes earlier as I sat with him in his room. He was still hugging Peaceful the Bear, who was lying on his chest.

I kissed his Gregory's lips, still warm, and held his hand as I cried. I put my nose near his mouth and inhaled deeply so I could carry part of his last breath with me and in doing so allow his spirit to fill the hole which Dementia/ Alzheimer's had torn in my chest, allowing me to begin the healing process.

I cried tears of sorrow but also of joy. I was truly happy that he had died and that he had died peacefully. I felt a great loss but also a great freedom. We both could now move on with our lives ... his on the other side and mine on this side.

For some reason, last night my memories brought a flood of tears and sorrow; a renewed awareness that Gregory is dead and that I will live out my final days missing him and wondering: "What is death?" and more importantly ... "What is life?"

Gigi, Gregory's cat came to comfort me, as she always does when I am upset. She pushed me with her head, climbed my shoulder and rolled onto my chest. She sniffed my eyebrows and my eyes. She pushed me again.

She knows my sorrow, and I think she misses Gregory as well. Not long after Gigi's and my interaction; the tears subsided. I went to the bathroom and washed my face with a hot cloth. I felt better, no longer had the need to cry uncontrollably, but still felt sad and heavy.

I easily fell asleep and dreamed about Gregory. He is often in my dreams but usually does not take an upfront, active part. He is just there loving me and being part of my life. I awoke remembering the dream and felt his love. I know he feels mine.

Happy Valentine's Day to the person who taught me the meaning of unqualified love. I am forever grateful!

Every Now and Then I Laugh a Little Every Now and Then I Cry a Little

Addressing Jan's Middle School Students

On Friday I visited my friend Jan's middle school in Chicago. Her Advisory (home room) earned $500.00 through bake sales at the school to donate to The More Than Ever Education Fund which held its inaugural luncheon two days ago.

As a thank you I offered to talk to the class, show the documentary ALZHEIMER'S: A Love Story, and participate in a Q&A afterwards. Jan also invited students from PRISM, the LGBTQ support group at school; the Social Justice Club; and the Film Makers group. Approximately 50 students were in the audience.

The kids were very well behaved, were visibly moved by the documentary, and asked some profound questions during the Q&A about coming out Gay, how I knew for sure I was gay, dealing with Alzheimer's and loss, etc.

After the session, I stood by the door and shook each student's hand as they were leaving with a short comment of thanks to each one. Several thanked me again. Towards the end of the line a beautiful young man, who during Q&A had said that he admired Gregory and my relationship and didn't think he could be as brave as I had been, asked if he could have a hug! Sweet. This led to several hugs for the last few students, both boys and girls, in line.

What was particularly unbelievable for me was that during my tenure as a teacher, I didn't dare to talk about my being Gay, not even with colleagues in the teacher's lounge. And here I was telling about my coming out as a young man, a brief history of Gay life from the 50's to now, and sharing openly my deep love for another man, Gregory.

To coin the phrase, "Boy we have come along way baby!"

Attached are my presentation comments to the students:

I am pleased to be here and want to thank Ms. Yourist’s advisory for raising money which will go to the MORE THAN EVER EDUCATION FUND administered by La Casa Norte, a not-for-profit supporting youth and families confronting homelessness. 

I also want to thank Prism for the work you do in supporting LGBTQ students here at school, to the Social Justice group for your good work as well, and to those of you exploring the making of short films. I want to thank the principal and teachers involved, for being open minded enough to allow this event to take place.

Before we view the documentary, I would like to tell you a little about myself, give a brief history of Gay issues in the United States, and say a little about the disease called Alzheimer’s.

When I was growing up I had few friends, was bullied, and was called queer and faggot. The more gentle term Gay had not yet come into use. Some of my unhappy youth was probably my own fault due to my lack of social skills, some may have been because I was unknowingly gay, for sure a lot of it was because I was different from other students. Also as a kid I had little or no self-confidence.

Growing up, there were no gay role models, no out gay movie stars, no one to tell me that “it gets better,” no internet, no one to talk to about my feelings and fears.

My coming out many years later as a gay man began late in college. The term Gay was just coming into fashion. Role models of older, successful gays began to surface. Homosexuality was not widely discussed or accepted by society in general.

I knew I wanted a friend, someone to love, someone to spend my life with … but didn’t know how to go about it. I had girl friends and was almost engaged to marry. I was quite conflicted.

As an adult, having accepted my homosexuality, there were now gay bars at which to meet other gays, but times were still dark. Even thought I was of age, we always had our eye over our shoulder worrying about the possibility a police raid. Most often these raids were just excuses which allowed the police to harass gay men and women. Homosexuality was still not widely accepted.

I led a double life never talking about my homosexual side at school when I was a teacher, not even in the teacher’s lounge,  for fear of being fired if found out, which did happen to some men and women!

The Stonewall Riots took place in June 1969 in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of Manhattan, New York City. They are widely considered to constitute the single most important event leading to the gay liberation movement and the modern fight for LGBT rights in the United States. 

The rainbow flag was born as a symbol of “Never Again” referring to the bible’s story of God promising Noah, after the 40 days of rain and flood, that he would never again destroy mankind. The Gays used it to signify “Never Again” will I go back into the closet and be harassed just for being who I am.

Being Gay became a “lifestyle” describing the “out visible life” rather than the earlier “closeted hidden life” of the homosexual. This fostered debates about “lifestyle.” Was a person born gay or did a person choose to be gay. But that is a story for a different time.

“Q” has been added to LGBT-Q. In some cases it stands for "Queer" which younger Gays have been taking back to use with pride but more importantly it stands for “Questioning,” meaning that people as they grow up, question their sexuality and on further study, may or may not end up being Gay.

The next milestone in Gay Life is not a pretty one: the beginning of HIV and AIDS. It stared as the ‘Gay Disease” and thousands and thousands of people died of the disease. Social and medical support lagged too far behind mainly because of the stigma of it being a disease affecting gay people because they were different: a man loving a man, a woman loving a woman, a person not identifying with their given physical sexual appearance

Today medical know-how is saving many lives and HIV/AIDS seems to be under control in the more developed nations. Many third world countries continue to struggle with the disease. The statistics, however, show that in the U.S. HIV/AIDS among young people is slowly increasing, perhaps because they are not aware of how insidious the disease is and therefor do not take "safe sex" seriously!

Fast forward to today with many countries allowing marriage of same sex couples recently including the United States. Several states are creating new laws trying to dance dancing around the federal law. The courts will eventually settle this issue. Still a controversial subject.

Another current issue, what should the sign on a bathroom in a public building look like and who may use the room and under what conditions. Also controversial.

That brings me to the story we are here today to share. Gregory and I met in the late 70’s and lived in a committed same sex relationship before it was fashionable, as I alluded to, to talk about such things publicly. 

In the 29th year of our relationship, Gregory was diagnosed with some kind of dementia, most likely Alzheimer’s. He was NOT a victim of Alzheimer’s but rather a hero. 

He lived as well as possible as the disease progressed and I was able to support him by helping his life to be free of worries, responsibilities, fears, and filled with new activities which compensated for his failing abilities. 

Life with Alzheimer's was very difficult, mainly for Gregory but also for me who worked so hard to make Gregory's life safe and comfortable and to watch the man I love so slowly disappear from view. Our life was filled with much laughter and many tears, joy as well as sorrow. And above all, LOVE. The times were not easy, but we persevered. 

Alzheimer’s is not just about failing memory, as some people believe. It also affects the thinking process, bodily functions, and day to day activities which you and I take for granted like feeding yourself, going to the bathroom, or for example remembering you need to turn the page to continue reading after you have read to the bottom of that page.

Gregory would forget the difference between a fork, a knife, spoon and how to use them. Think about a fork and how you use it to stab, gather, or scoop your food, then get the food to your mouth keeping the fork at a correct angle so the food doesn’t fall off, get the food into your mouth  without stabbing your lip (because you can’t really see the lip,) and chew the food well before swallowing so you don’t choke on it. This is just one example of the breakdown of cognitive abilities that occurs with dementia. Gregory ended up only being comfortable eating with his fingers.

The documentary, ALZHEIMER’S: A Love Story, which you are about to see, was done by the son of Gregory’s college roommate and best friend. Gabe, the son, created this documentary as part of the requirements for one of his college courses in film making.

The message of the documentary, I believe, is a beautiful one, in which Gregory and my 41 year love relationship and Gregory’s 12 years living with Alzheimer’s have been distilled into a moving 15 minute documentary. 

I think you will agree that as you experience the story, that the same sex couple issue and the Alzheimer’s issues seem to disappear  … and a story of two people who love each other deeply, emerges. A story about the joy as well as sorrow that a strong love, affected by illness, can bring.

Happy Mother's Day to the Unmotherd, Unfathered, Unhusbanded. Unwifed.

When Mother's Day and Father's Day comes along I find I resent the advertisements touting the celebration of mothers and fathers. Buy them a gift. Don't forget to call. Pay them a visit. Tell them how much you love them. I can only answer with my grief and tears (which have continued for eleven years for my dad and six years for my mother and which I expect will continue, although possibly softer, for the rest of my life. 

On Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day, I find I resent the advertisements touting the celebration of husbands and wives and lovers. Buy them a gift. Don't forget to call. Pay them a visit. Tell them how much you love them. I can only answer with my grief and tears (which have continued for nine months now for dearest Gregory, life mate of 41 years, and which I expect will continue, although possibly softer, for the rest of my life. 

Well written essay for those whose Mother's are no longer with us.

http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/the-unmothered?mbid=social_facebook

Death and LIfe

May have shared this before but just watched again. Again tears and a little sobbing. The message is beautiful and loud and clear to me. "Embrace death as strongly as you embrace life!"

I miss my Gregory but it does get easier every day. The missing his physical presence by my side and sorrow continues but I am able to make my life full, regaining the ability to feel joy and to spread it to others!

The Life of Death from Marsha Onderstijn on Vimeo.

The Seven Faces of Grief

Grief is a very real thing. I only say this because experiencing it through Gregory's death, has allowed me the time to notice and think about it. It is real. It is a process. It unfolds and realizes itself in its own way, not really under the control of the person grieving. It never resolves although it does become easier.

It not only has emotional but also very real physical and bodily function effects. Not only does Grief make you feel sad but it also affects your energy, your appetite (in how you enjoy or digest your meals,)  your gut (in nervous stomach and toileting,) and whether or how well you sleep.

Grief seems to have a mind of its own in when and how it visits. A blooming flower, a song on the radio, an item in the grocery store can all be triggers to grief expressing itself. Sometimes Grief visits you at the level of a "suggestion or hint," sometimes in a wave that quickly disappears, sometimes in a torrent that seems like it will never end its flooding.

Lately I have learned to sit with Grief and accept the lessons it can teach me. It is painful to closely look at or accept Grief but pushing it away only makes it worse. So I allow myself times to grieve, but not for long periods of time!

At other times I thank Grief on its arrival but tell it that I do not want a visit right now. Usually, Grief will respect the timing and my request and will leave me alone for the time being. I remember to invite it back at a later date and welcome it then. Trying to forget or suppressing Grief only makes it worse when it finally does break through your defenses.

As I began sitting with and taking a closer look at Grief when it visited, I noticed that there seems to be at least seven types of Grief that one encounters: 1) Grief with the permanence of loss, 2) Grief in missing the past, 3) Grief on not being able to remember the past, 4) Grief over missed opportunities, 5) Grief and fear for self in the present, 6) Grief and fear for self in the future, and finally 7) Grief with the Mystery of Death itself.

1️⃣ PERMANENCE OF LOSS: Missing Gregory is big. We will never again hold each other, or kiss, or enjoy an experience together. I will only hear his laughter in my memory. I will only appreciate his creativity and talents in photos of things he accomplished and not as he executes them.

He is no longer an interactive, physical part of my life. I miss holding his hand. I miss our talks and our love making. I miss hearing him play his grand piano. I miss having someone to lean on when sad and with whom to make decisions. I cry over the "never agains!"

2️⃣ PAST MEMORIES: Memories of times past remind me that he is gone. Often instead of fond memories making me feel better, they make me sad. They bring on tears at best and sobbing and keening at worst. I am told this gets better over time, and it seems to be doing so, but still the overwhelming grief continues to visit at unexpected times.

3️⃣ MEMORIES LOST: Time goes so quickly. It has been 41+ years since I first met Gregory and while I still have memories of much of our time together, there are so many that no longer hold office in my mind.

This is the nature of growing older and in having had a long term love relationship but now that Gregory is dead, the grief seems to allow me to spend more time realizing all the memories that no longer are clear, if they even still exist, and without the hope of inquiring to amplify them or find out the truth.

4️⃣ MISSED OPPORTUNITIES: The mind begins to wonder about things I could or should have done more of, done better, or done in the first place. I am sad about the times I neglected to tell him how much I loved him and how important he was to me or the times we argued or when I was mean to him. I feel so bad that I wasn't as good to him as I could have been as we worked through many of the Dementia/ Alzheimer's bumps, pot holes, and turns in the road.

I realize that now that I know "how it all ends," it is easier to criticize my actions of the past but in reality when you are in the throws of day to day dealing with life, let alone Dementia/ Alzheimer's, your behaviors are the best ones you can muster at the time. I also need to take the time to remember all the things I did well, the ability to apologize immediately when I acted poorly, and Gregory's compassionate loving acceptance of me no matter what.

5️⃣ PRESENT: Grief also finds its way in as I try to rediscover how to spend my days without having Gregory here to share my life (like in the earlier days before Dementia/ Alzheimer's) or having Gregory to care for and to be the center of my life (while he continued to loose language, cognitive, physical and other abilities,) and finally when he moved into the memory care facility (now with a great support team but my still spending a lot of time involved.)

At times it still is difficult to fill my days after having shopped, put groceries away, cleaned the condo, made dinner, watched a few TV shows, read for a while ... only finding it is just 7:00 and I am ready to end my day. But who wants to or is able to go to sleep so early? Also, doing all these things by oneself when used to having a partner with which to do them is lonely.

6️⃣ FUTURE: Grief arrives when I realize I am 70 years old. Feel young but none-the-less am getting older. What will it be like to grow older alone? How brave will I be to travel the world by myself? What will my life be like as I slow down? Who will take care of me when I need help? What will become of me if I can no longer make good decisions for myself. I have trusted my "next in line" trustees for my protection, I love them dearly, in fact I trust them with my life (literally!) but still Fear of the Future is real.

A lot more fear could creep in, especially seeing what Gregory went through for so long, but I try to keep optimistic, and positive; and I am able to keep the worries at bay. I remember that with Gregory's illness, so many fears that I had never materialized so I needn't have worried. I also realized that spending energy on "working at not worrying" is as bad as the worrying itself. Big waste of time and energy for both!

7️⃣ MYSTERY OF DEATH: The last, but not necessarily the least important, is the grief of wondering what Death is all about. Of course Death is all around us but when it comes so close, courtesy of one you love so dearly, the mystery magnifies. In many ways I cannot really picture myself dead, and that is part of the Mystery.

I believe there is something after and that gives me a little consolation. But where is Gregory? What is his time like now? Can he see me or hear me? What makes up  a life when it seems to end to easily? Where do all those skills, abilities, and talents go when all is said and done? What is the bigger picture of Life and Death?

Gregory and I had opposing views of the process of death. I used to think that as I was dying and my soul/spirit was leaving my body I would look back and say, "Ah, now I understand!" Gregory's view was that he would look back and say, "Ah, more questions!"

• • •

As I am writing my views about Grief, I am celebrating the fifth month anniversary, almost to the day, of Gregory's passing. I am less bereft, cry less, feel less depressed. I am better able to spend my time, better able to be alone, better able to speak to and learn from my emotions and my Grief, better able to brave the future, better able to slowly let joy back into my life.

I have worked at reinventing a physical relationship with Gregory; not bodily, but through talking to him, imagining his replies, setting up a shrine with his photograph and items he cared for, revisiting photographs of past vacations and adventures, imagine I am enjoying things for both of us when I visit the the Botanic Garden or go to the Opera.

I have created ways to make my life meaningful, to be of service to others, to give back. I have made financial contributions, supported others in need, helps establish the More Than Ever Education Fund in Gregory's and my name, continue my blog writing with many followers, promote the documentary "Alzheimer's: A Love Story," and still hope to publish my memoirs with the hope that many of Gregory's and my lessons will help others know they are not alone on the path of Dementia/ Alzheimer's. 

The hole which was torn in my chest by Gregory's Dementia/ Alzheimer's and by his death is still there. It is the sacred place where we can still be together. When he died, I felt like his soul/spirit began to that hole so we could heal together. It has been working. The pain of Grief never goes away but it does get easier.

Separation

There is a separation that takes place. The grief if still there but it is not at the forefront! You begin to realize YOU are YOU, and HE is HE and, WE are We even though WE now exists only in memories.

WE is what has changed. You grieve the WE, you miss the WE. You want to hug, kiss, hold, talk to, touch the WE; but that is no longer possible in a physical way.

So you invent ways to keep in touch. You set up an alter or shrine to him as a place where you can direct your conversations or you talk to him in your mind. You make decisions based on the way you used to make decisions together. You feel him with you in spiritual ways. You try to see the world through his eyes as well as through your own.

The world seems to be more magical because of this separation. Slowly you begin to question his death less, you appreciate your life more, you begin to appreciate the here and now, you do not wonder why Gregory and you had to walk the path of Dementia/ Alzheimers, you just did it because the path was presented and you BOTH loved each other so very much.

Gregory did not suffer from Dementia/ Alzheimer's, he lived well and we were able to compensate for the losses as they occurred. Most of the time he (we) did NOT suffer but rather lived and loved joyfully to our fullest.

The pain, the sorrow, and yes the suffering which was present at times, no longer exist now and in many ways, the separation of the WE into the ME and HE, makes the pain of his death more tolerable when compared to our being in the middle of the Dementia/ Alzheimer's path, with no idea what direction it might take or where and when it might end.

Slowly you let the memories return, you allow yourself to go through the photographs of your times together in the past and you can be joyful at the times you had, not sad at what no longer is possible. The difficulties, shackles, pain, confusion, frustration, fear, anger, and general craziness of dealing with Dementia/ Alzheimer's has disappeared, and that feels good. Gregory has physically also disappeared and at times that does not feel good.

You are happy and living life to its fullest, day at a time. Keeping happy, busy, productive. Taking care of yourself, your body, your mind. You love the condo, your new car, just about every thing about the way you live your life. You feel good about family and friends. You feel good about being kind and compassionate and giving to others when you can.

I assume he is happy, wherever he may be, no¡ longer dealing with the tribulations of Dementia/ Alzheimer's. Perhaps in a dimension that allows him to further develop his enlightenment, learn lessons still waiting, keep tabs on you, watch over you, protect you when possible. He no longer has wants, needs, desires, oughts, shoulds; or at least it would seem so.

It is the WE that suffers. I love the ME in the condo. I miss the WE in the condo. I love the ME who attends the opera. I miss the WE that used to attend the opera together. I look forward to travel. I am sad that it will not be WE that are traveling. I find that when I am feeling sad, I have begun to be able to separate the ME from the HE and I do not always need the WE to feel good.

I am able to separate the situation into ME, HE, and WE. For example, for the first time ever I saw Nabucco at the Lyric Opera. I enjoyed Verde's music, the beautiful set and costumes, the glorious voices, the story line. In some way I felt that Gregory, possibly through me, was able to enjoy those things as well and perhaps they pale when compared to the beauty of his present existence.

In this separation, I do not allow or even need to succumb to sadness that WE are not experiencing this together. Not having the WE, should not diminish or take away from my life even though I have to do it with Gregory only being there in Spirit.

Panchamaya Kosha Session Three

This session dealt with the MENTAL-EMOTIONAL BODY. Through various Yoga moves and breathing exercises, ending up with a Yoga Nidra rest, we looked at this part of ourselves.  This is a level deeper in our BODY/SELF than the outermost PHYSICAL BODY and then the next in ENERGY BODY.

Corinne talked about emotions, using joy and sorrow as examples, on a continuum. I have used this model of thinking about emotions for a while now so it was welcome to hear her interpretation.

As we experience and live our life, we are in constant motion back and forth on the continuum between JOY and SORROW, that is part of being human.

If we are too far to the side of JOY the emotion becomes ANXIETY. If we are too far to the side of SORROW the emotion becomes DEPRESSION.

If we accept that we are in CONSTANT motion we can try to keep a balance of our emotions.

If we feel the need to CONTROL the emotions or bring them to CENTER, we add more STRESS to the emotions. 

We can and should allow ourself to embrace and experience the emotions and to look at what they might be trying to tell us.

We can and should also allow ourself to postpone the feelings and place the emotions on hold until we are ready to take a closer look.

During this third session, we practiced feeling joy and then feeling its opposite, sadness. When Corinne suggested we feel both at the same time, I struggled and felt it could not be done. 

But then I pictured the two emotions dancing together in circles and realized that while difficult, it could be done.

Next Corinne guided us to see where on the continuum, as we switched back and forth between JOY and SORROW, we were feeling each emotion. Interesting was that I was feeling their location slide up and down, NOT left and right on a continuum. 

I felt JOY in my heart, chest, and lungs. I felt SORROW in my gut, my stomach, my bowels. As we switched back and forth I felt my focus raise and lower.

Finally, another ancient secret way of counting. This one takes you up to 12 or 24 with both hands. (By counting in a spiral you are also embracing the circle of life.) 

The handout says: "... a helpful way of keeping your attention focused on your practice ― insuring that your mind stays with the present moment rather than drifting into thoughts of the past of future."

P.S. Last week, when we began our Yoga Nidra rest, Corinne suggested we think about making an INTENTION for the practice. 

At first I was going to have it be for Gregory, who just before the session had a traumatic experience trying to take a hot water shower for the first time at Lieberman. Up until now he had been given "navy or sponge baths." 

I wanted them to try a full shower and was there to help. He panicked, became hostile, and we immediately discontinued our effort to get him into the shower. 

He calmed easily, received a sponge bath, was put into clean clothes and by fifteen minutes later was OK again.

But interestingly enough, instead of setting the INTENTION for him, I decided that Gregory was OK, being well taken care of.  

With my own recent growth and life changes regarding my body and health,  I made the reclaiming of my body and health the intention for that practice. 

Parallel to the decision I realized what an amazing spurt of emotional, mental, and physical growth I have shown over the last month of so. I was nurturing myself and that felt good.