Remembering His Black Grand Piano

Gregory took his mom and his niece to Safir's Piano in Wilmette, Illinois. They were going to help him choose his new piano. He asked Gizelle, owner with her husband of Safir's, about pricing. Her reply was, "Don't ask about price. Play as many pianos as you want until you find the one that speaks to you. Then we will talk about price!"

He proceeded to audition several dozen pianos with his mother and niece jury chiming in. Bits of Bach and Chopin echoed through the otherwise empty two-floor showrooms of pianos of every size, every finish, and every maker." I hadn't realized that the sound pianos make could be as varied as there are human voice differences. Gregory called it "feeling the action of the piano."

Eventually, he found one that said, "Gregory, I love you!" Helen and Renee agreed. And they approached Gizelle. Because Gregory had sold so many of her pianos to his Interior Design customers, she made him an offer he could not refuse. She gave him the piano for her cost, and not only cost but what she paid for it five years earlier when she obtained it! 

The piano was a handbuilt, Kawai parlor grand piano, some five to six feet in length with a matte black finish. Gregory always made it his business to dust the piano carefully and to not leave any fingerprints on the lid. Also, unlike many a movie you may have seen, nothing was ever on top of the piano like a line of photographs of family or important people in one's life! "It just shouldn't be done," Gregory would say.

Twelve years later, when Gregory could no longer play the piano due to his Alzheimer's/ Dementia, he decided to sell it. He said, "If I can't play it as well as I used to, I would rather someone have it who can. I can always listen to my Chopin on my CDs." 

We advertised and found a young pianist, a composer who was looking for a piano having just moved to Chicago from Los Angeles. He came to the house several times to audition the piano and he too heard it say, "I love you!" His name was Michael, fitting! Gregory sold it to him for the same price he paid many years earlier. The piano came and left with love and then more love.

Last night as I was listening to some "meditative music" at bedtime, a piano piece came on. It took me back to my days of lying on our couch listening to Gregory practicing his various piano pieces, making "clams" as he called incorrectly struck notes, until the piece became a perfect part of his memory, played perfectly!

Tears began to fill my eyes and the sobs were just around the corner. Grief never leaves. One just becomes stronger and better able to carry the load. Great love means great grief and who would have it any other way? I wondered, "Where did his piano talent go? What is the piano's life like these days?" 

Gigi (the cat who Gregory had picked out) came to me, as she always does in my sad moments, and snuggled in under my arm and purred. It was her way of "petting me! I settled down and eventually fell soundly asleep. Emotions, tears, and sorrow but carried on the joy of love.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Past, Present, Future

Woa. Almost a month to the day since I last posted. I have been thinking about this idea for a while so I will give it a try.

When I think about Gregory and my 41 years together, I end up thinking mostly of the last 12 after the diagnosis of Dementia, most likely Alzheimer's Disease. I wonder why is it difficult to pull up memories of our earlier and middle times together? I can do so if I work at it but for some reason revisiting the Alzheimer's times, the good and the difficult, come more easily.

Right after Gregory died and I was in the throws of catastrophic grieving, my God-son Isaac had a wise insight: "The intensity of the 12 years with Alzheimer's trumps (as in the card game) the 41 years of longevity of your relationship." While the balance has changed and I am more able to recall the 29+ years before the diagnosis, I still wonder why the early memories are more difficult to pull.

An explanation I came up with is that during our early and middle years, we just lived and loved with the good, the bad and the ugly that a growing relationship entails. There was no urgency in our day to day life: problems came and went, celebration arrived and left, milestones and millstones occured, the chapters in our life rolled one into the next; and we just lived our lives.

In my older years, I remember looking back at my younger years thinking that when I was in my 20's, 30's and 40's, I took life for granted assuming that I never would really die. Young adults do not think about those things, the future does not carry import, and if it does, they do not really comprehend that all life ends, sometimes before you expect it.

Life insurance is not a high priority because one cannot fathom one's death. As you age death takes a greater place on stage. Friends die unexpectedly and a parent or two die and you loose one or several pets ... but still, when it comes to the "self," your ego does not allow the reality of one's own death.

With the diagnosis of Dementia, most likely Alzheimer's, for Gregory (and me) I think we began to accept our mortality. We began to live more in the "here and now," live more "for today," be more "in the present." When one lives in this way, each experience, each event, each day becomes more important. Holidays are celebrated with more enthusiasm and more attention to detail if only who knows if we will have the holiday again next year?

So in working through all this, I wish (to no avail) that I had paid more attention to the pre-diagnosis days, that I had loved even more, that I had cared more intensely. What I do have left are the memories, which as I said are more difficult to pull up, but pull them up I can!

If I concentrate on working out the details of Gregory and my past time together, but at the same time not trying to live in the past or "beat myself up" with the failures of the past ... I can now assign more importance to them and remember them in "full color" with the beauty they carry.

Sometimes it is easier to leave the past in the past, but there is also merit in remembering. So what I find is that I must work at carrying a balance of joy with the sorrow. At times I allow the tears to flow and at other times I turn off the spiket. I re-live past times but also emphasize the present. And might I add that the future is another story that I will think about sometime in the future.

Merry Christmas 2017

Great love brings great grief. Especially at holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. But it does get better and joy wins over sorrow. This will be my third Christmas without Gregory, I am sad and miss him, but I am OK.

Ghost of Christmas Past

Christmas without Gregory is difficult although most of the time I am able to hold on to the joy we shared for so many (41) years and which I continue to share with his memory and his spirit. Sometimes I just need to sit with my emotions and miss him. 

In the shrine on the shelf with his remains, I keep a picture of him, his favorite Grandma Carrie in whose sewing box he rests, an always-on candle, some of his favorite dark chocolates, and a plant or flowers. For the season I have added a Christmas tree, a gingerbread boy and snowman cookie for each of us, his favorite Walker's Short Bread, and my newer collection of hearts.

The building model is a souvenir from the inn where we stayed in Stowe, Vermont when we had our civil union ceremony. Vermont was the first state to support same-sex unions. It was before the current level of acceptance and only served to protect us if we were residents of Vermont. For us it was more political and romantic! On the day we were united, a rainbow shown in the sky as we drove to the Justice of the Peace.

The Lyrics for Ghost of Christmas Past a song by Elizabeth Chan are playing in the background as I write this. The song makes me sad but in a way that I can handle. Great love brings great grief and great memories, great joy and great sorrow, great loneliness and periodically not just a few tears.

Snow is falling down

Covering the ground

Like a brand new page

For me to tell a story

About another time

Not so long ago 

I thought that I had nothing

When I had it all

When I was worried about what was under the tree

And left me blind to see the gifts in front of me

The years go by so fast

I thought that it would last

But now I'm dancing with the ghost of Christmas past

Tears are falling now

All alone to see

Sad upon a notion

Waves of memory

I wish upon a star

That sits on top my tree

To bring you back again to me

And all I ever want for Christmas is you

What I really want is for you to be here

Cause ohhhh

Silent night lonely night

Years go by so fast

I thought that it would last

But now I'm dancing with the ghost of Christmas past

Twas the Night Before Thanks Giving

Those Santa Sightings have begun in earnest! Today a gentleman selling "Streetwise" (a magazine to give people confronting homelessness a way to earn a  small living) was selling his "schtick," as well as a copy of Streetwise, to all passers-by.

Even when I do not plan on buying a Streetwise magazine, I acknowledge the vendor with a, "How ya doin'" Sometimes the greeting is more important to them than the $2.00 purchase (of which they keep $1.50)

I do the same for beggars on the street (not comparing them to these Streetwise salesmen trying to be productive.) A few of the beggars will continue pleading but most of them, most often, thank me for my question and answer in fairly intelligent ways.

Back to Santa Sightings. As I approached the Streetwise Vendor in Trader Joe's parking lot to make a contribution, he laughed a "hoot" and said, "Oh my, oh my. Santa. I got an early visit from Santa. Good thing I've been good."

I gave him a $5.00 and told him to keep the magazine as I had already read the issue. He was quite pleased and gave me a "God Bless You Santa." After a pause, he added, "I guess God already has!"

Gratefulness: A Mindful Condition

This video came across my e-mail this morning and watching it moved me.

I am aware of how grateful I am for my life, my family, my friends, my place in this world.

At times I feel undeserving and at times so sad when I see how little others have.

I am so troubled when I see how governments, nature, and even other people make it so difficult or close to impossible for our fellow human beings to experience those things I am so fortunate to have and sometimes easily take for granted.

But I  believe that a lesson for me is that even those unfortunate ones show the ability to be grateful for the little they have and that gives me hope for the future.

Perhaps my use of the word unfortunate is based on my point of view and not theirs.

This hope for the future, however, doesn't allow me to be less grateful or to pass up the opportunity to spread joy to those with whom I come into contact but it does give me hope for a better world.

I resolve to keep my awareness at a mindful level in everything I see, everything I do, and everyone I come across.

http://gratefulness.org

Decades Come and Decades Go

Below is a list of the "positives" of my life and the seeming "negatives." The negatives I am working on and recently decided to return to sessions with Peter, my therapist. While I have so much for which to be grateful, so many wonderful and supportive friends and family, so many exciting projects - personal as well as altruistic, I feel a pall of sadness following me through it all.

Gregory's two-year passing anniversary is nearing, October 4th, and while it has become easier I continue to grieve the loss. I miss him so. Maybe what I grieve is living my life alone without my best friend, or just getting older I grieve my youth. I shared all of this with my niece Colleen during her visit last weekend and she lovingly asked me to remove the last item on Page #2. 

I replied the following: Sure. Remove the item in question. I know that I am not biding my time … but I do know it is lurking there in the future. At my age, the end is closer rather than farther but how grateful I am that I have had all this time to enjoy and work with life and I look forward to what lies ahead!

The decades get more difficult to spend when you are older. I am ... and hopefully will be able to continue "spending" them wisely. 

40 to 50 is frightening but no big deal.

50 to 60 is surreal but tolerable.

60 to 70 is unbelievable, how did I get here so quickly.

Now comes the tough part. 70 to 80, like wow. I am still alert, aware, agile, somewhat productive although certainly slower than I was.

80 to 90? Wow! If I AM still alert, aware, agile and somewhat productive that will be not only a blessing but in many ways a miracle. 

THEN 90 to 100? Ouch.

So while I know (and hope) that my death is not imminent, the decades may be responsible for the “pall” I discussed with you, getting older gracefully is not easy but I am working at it!

POSITIVES: (* = while positve, also creates stress)

* Memoirs

* Alzheimer’s: The Musical

* Alzheimer’s: The Poetic Opera

   Guest Columns in Windy City Times

   Board Member Floating Opera Company

   Floating Opera Incubator

* Added Michael’s Museum Collections possibility

* Reverend Michael in D.C. (October) wedding of God Daughter Whitney

   San Pancho Mexico (January)

   Michael’s Recent Alzheimer’s Presentations:
          Northshore Univ Health Division of Palliative Care and Hospice, 
          United Methodist Church of LaGrange Illinois,
          University of Chicago Middle School Students,
          Lieberman Center for Health and Rehabilitation,
          Sherman Plaza Book and Social Club, 
          Dementia Alliance International Australia,
          Pritzker School of Medicine,
          Northwestern University Kellogg Graduate School of Business,
          Battle Creek Alzheimer's Association, and
          Battle Creek Congregational Church.

   Friends over Dinner

   Attend Theater/Opera/Musicals

   Entertaining

   Out of Town Guests

   Meditation (Daily)

   * Buddhist Retreat (August)

   Continued Condo Refinement

   Publishing Gregory’s writing posthumously

   Volume III of “Sit With Me A While” poetry

   “A Relationship of Writers: A writing memoir with Chris Peterson”
   Continued feelings of gratitude and joy

NEGATIVES (stated positively?:)

—Gregory’s Remains Dispersal

—Regular Meals

—Disciplined Food Choices

—Weight loss

—Exercise

—Therapy 

—Urologist 

—Rheumatologist 

—Travel

—More ambition

—Rather stay at home

—Naps

—Avoiding Depression

—Identifying feeling sad - Pall

—More crying but less overwhelmed

—Different attitudes towards friends 

—BIDING MY TIME UNTIL I DIE?

Honest

I usually do not share the results of "analysis" or "tests" on Facebook, but this one turned out well!

Michael, the word that describes you perfectly is HONEST!

Your life is too interesting to be defined in words but this one word suits you the most and you couldn't agree more. You have a great personality and many other beautiful qualities. Among other things your are Reliable and Kind. 

Your friends Jerome and Jennifer are also in awe of you and your amazing qualities. 

You dance every chance you get. Whether that's through meadows of wildflowers or nightclubs. It makes no difference to you. Always seen with a smile on your face, you transform every gray day into a colorful adventure. Contagious and impulsive, your presence is always a cause of joy!

Share this result with all your friends and show them the one word that describes you the best!

Joy

This is how I try to live my life. Thanks to photographer friend Jane Alt for bringing it to my attention and to Archbishop Desmond Tutu for having said it!

Today I Celebrated

Last night I cried missing my Valentine. If you missed it, click here (opens in a new window) http://mhorvich.blogspot.com/2017/02/last-night-i-cried-happy-valentines-day.html

Today I celebrated our love with joy: A candle, my favorite photo, flowers, Chocolates, and fond memories.

Last Night I Cried, "Happy Valentine's Day"

Don't know why I cried last night. Maybe because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and even though I still chat with Gregory, my Valentine only exists in my heart and in my head. I miss him so!

Maybe the emotions are raw because every morning I have been working on my memoirs and editing past blog posts. I am currently up to March 1, 2012! My experience with this editing alternates between seeing how WELL Gregory dealt with his changes, seeing how GOOD I was at supporting him, feeling BAD about when he was sad or frustrated, and feeling SAD about when I was not as good to him as I could have been!

Last night, the tears crept up slowly as I looked at Gregory's photograph which sits on the shelf next to a photo of his childhood favorite person, Grandma Carrie, and next to that, her sewing box which contains Gregory's remains.

I say goodnight to the photo every night and some sixteen months later, the photograph most often brings fond memories and joy; and peace in the knowing that he is no longer struggling with Dementia/ Alzheimer's.

Sometimes the photograph brings back the experience of our final goodbyes as I sat with his dead body ... but usually even with this image, the fond memories and joy and peace remain.

I flash on arriving at Lieberman at 12:30 PM or so on Sunday, October 4, 2015. Gregory had just died maybe 30 minutes earlier as I sat with him in his room. He was still hugging Peaceful the Bear, who was lying on his chest.

I kissed his Gregory's lips, still warm, and held his hand as I cried. I put my nose near his mouth and inhaled deeply so I could carry part of his last breath with me and in doing so allow his spirit to fill the hole which Dementia/ Alzheimer's had torn in my chest, allowing me to begin the healing process.

I cried tears of sorrow but also of joy. I was truly happy that he had died and that he had died peacefully. I felt a great loss but also a great freedom. We both could now move on with our lives ... his on the other side and mine on this side.

For some reason, last night my memories brought a flood of tears and sorrow; a renewed awareness that Gregory is dead and that I will live out my final days missing him and wondering: "What is death?" and more importantly ... "What is life?"

Gigi, Gregory's cat came to comfort me, as she always does when I am upset. She pushed me with her head, climbed my shoulder and rolled onto my chest. She sniffed my eyebrows and my eyes. She pushed me again.

She knows my sorrow, and I think she misses Gregory as well. Not long after Gigi's and my interaction; the tears subsided. I went to the bathroom and washed my face with a hot cloth. I felt better, no longer had the need to cry uncontrollably, but still felt sad and heavy.

I easily fell asleep and dreamed about Gregory. He is often in my dreams but usually does not take an upfront, active part. He is just there loving me and being part of my life. I awoke remembering the dream and felt his love. I know he feels mine.

Happy Valentine's Day to the person who taught me the meaning of unqualified love. I am forever grateful!

Every Now and Then I Laugh a Little Every Now and Then I Cry a Little

Día de los Muertos - Day of the Dead: In three parts.

  PART ONE  

Photographs of an Offerenda (altar) I created when Michael's Museum was still in our home. Most of these artifacts are now part of Michael's Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures, a permanent exhibit at Chicago Children's Museum on Navy Pier since May 2011.

  PART TWO  

The following is a description of Day of the Dead and what it symbolizes. 

DAY OF THE DEAD / DÍA DE LOS MUERTOS

By Michael Horvich

Day of the Dead in Mexico represents a mixture of Christian devotion and Pre-Hispanic traditions and beliefs. During the pre-Hispanic era, death did not exist. Death was seen, instead, as simply a transition, a voyage through time and space towards true life.

The celebrations take place on two days. The souls of the dead children arrive on October 31st. As they depart on November 1st, their place is taken by the souls of the adults.

On these days, the deceased are believed to receive divine permission to visit friends and relatives on earth and to share the pleasure of living once again.

While the deceased are represented in skeletal form, the celebrations are not macabre, but rather portrayed with love, humor, and affections by both artists and participants.

On both days, the living and the dead are reunited at grave sites and home alters that are adorned with flowers, candles, sugar skulls (Calaveras,) skeleton figures, and the favorite food and drink of the departed.

The altar includes four main elements of nature. 

1) Earth is represented by food and it is believed that the souls are fed by the aroma of food. 

2) Wind is represented by a moving object, usually tissue paper flags (Papel Picado.) 

3) Water is represented by a glass of water for the souls to quench their thirst after the long journey to the alter. 

4) Finally, fire is represented by wax candles, one for each soul remembered and an extra one for the forgotten soul.

The dead are never forgotten because once a year they take their places beside the living to enjoy their love and the fruits and flowers of the earth.

Edited from:

-Mary J. Andrade, http://www.dayofthedead.com

-Jeffry Weiss, Arte Popular Miniaturas, Puerto  

 Villarta, Mexico

  PART THREE  

As I post this and revisit my long time affection for Día de los Muertos, I became aware of not having included Gregory in this years celebrations. Curious? So I thought about it for a while and this is what I came up with.

Gregory is still so alive to me in everything I do and in my conversations with him, that the idea of his returning to visit doesn't make sense. In many ways he hasn't left.

I celebrate Gregory in many ways and often. On Saturday last I bought him a handful of TubeRose flowers at the farmer's market. They were (are) his favorite and we would always buy them.

Besides his favorite dark chocolates, I added a few Trick or Treat items to his alter, offerenda, shelf, shrine ... on the bookcase in the bedroom where his remains live.

Perhaps as time passes and he is less available to my memory and thoughts, as I am able to grieve less; Día de los Muertos will signal a "return" to mind of Gregory and my Day of the Dead celebrations will allow for more of a "return" than the current "continuation."

Finally, since today is November 1, and the day on which the souls of the adults arrive as those of the children leave,  maybe my wanting to post this blog entry is Gregory's way of poking me and saying, 

"Hey what about me! Celebrate, grieve less, live even more than you already do! With vigor, joy, and big ideas. With love, friends, family, and pets! With fond memories and less sorrow. Live live live!"

And so be it!