On Aging

There seems to be a general, all-pervasive heaviness to my life nowadays. Is it the COVID? Is it being 75 about to become 76? Is it the continued grief at the loss of the physicality of my love Gregory? Is it the unexpected passing of my sister? Is it due to so much more past to contemplate than future available to anticipate?

The word morass comes to mind: an area of muddy or boggy ground. a complicated or confusing situation. It describes the Ying and Yang of my current life: being grateful, content, joyful, at peace vs grieving, and fearful of what my age, my health, and my future will bring. 

Gregory and I always used to talk about the "parting of the veil," that brief moment when the truth behind the daily passing of our life is shown with honesty and vigorous uncolored awareness. Those moments are the most difficult to get through but then the veil shifts back to covering those things that would prevent us from living our life today and not worrying too much about tomorrow.

Part of getting older, I believe, is that the veil seems to open itself more often and takes longer to return to protecting us from the difficult parts of living day-to-day.

I find I return to the reality for me, at 75 years of age, that there is more PAST to process than there is FUTURE to look forward to. 

The FUTURE to which we look forward becomes more uncertain and more frightening than previous FUTURES of the PAST! 

And the PRESENT with the isolation, fear, suffering, poverty, illness, deaths, and losses from COVID-19 and the STATE OF THE UNION with its divisions, hatred, lying, cheating, racism, homophobia, etc., as well as my own physical and mental changing due to the aging process; is not the most pleasant place to be right now.

With the longer history of the past, I believe we begin to forget that nothing is permanent. That the expression This Too Shall Pass applies to not only the bad, difficult times but also the wonderful, beautiful times. We become used to a certain way of living and become less flexible in our ability to bend and change. Obviously, we want to hold on to the good, but the bad will arrive whether we want it to or not, and bending and changing is really all we have available to us and they just become more painful!

So perhaps GRATITUDE for the good we do have, for our ability to be RESILIENT, for FAMILY and FRIENDS and LOVE and CARING and KINDNESS, for not so much LAMENTING the bad things but CELEBRATING the good, not wondering why things are as they are but rather working on how we think about those things is most important. 

So I learn to live with the all-pervasive heaviness to my life while at the same time appreciating the GRATITUDE, RESILIENCE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LOVE, CARING, KINDNESS TOWARDS OTHERS AND focus on CELEBRATING THE GOOD .

The Noisy Quiet and Chaotic Stillness

STORIES FOR THE TIMES:

COVID 19 has brought so many changes on us so quietly and so quickly
People around the world are infected,  either getting better or dying
The harbingers of this change are invisible to the eye and all senses
So we can only imagine what the black-hooded creature looks like.

Restaurants, museums, stores, schools, churches, libraries all close
Events, conferences, music venues, plays, celebrations all turn off lights
Directly or indirectly; salaries, benefits, basic necessities are lost by many
Those who have been suffering before are suffering even more now.

Outside and in, the quiet seems to feel so much more quiet than before
The stillness seems more still than usual and cities and streets are empty
The noise around us is so quiet that it deafens us in the hearing of its roar
And the stillness so great that it frightens each of us to look at its approach.

We have come to expect that things will always be and stay the same.
We expect that nothing will change or be rearranged in our lives
But in one day, all is different and unrecognizable and incomprehensible
And change is upon us, want it, like it, or not - we never expected this.

Buddhists studies say that we should accept all around us is impermanent
Knowing that every day everything around, in front and behind us changes
Even if imperceptible to the eye or ear or nose or taste or sense of feeling
Even if changes go unwanted or unnoticed, celebrated or lamented.

From the time you woke up early very early this morning on a Monday
Everything about your physical being is no longer the same later on a Tuesday
Cells have died off, sluffed off, been rearranged or renewed by Wednesday
Organs do their job pumping, breathing, breaking down components on Thursday.

What might be the same, you think, is your attitude and your belief system
You might think the same thoughts you have always had about things and life around
Your actions and reactions follow the same triggers that you have used before
But suddenly they may no longer apply, be true, be appropriate, or be necessary.

So in this time of great change for all of us in the world, young and old
If we can change with the times it could become easier to feel the air
As we vow to change our antiquated thoughts and actions and triggers
We build a new you to reflect who you have or will become with new attitudes.

Have faith in yourself to know that it is OK where you are at and that you will grow
Have faith in your fellow humans that we will survive this and come out the other side
We will experience change and seek out the good in change and become stronger
And the world will most likely be a better place for all, because it certainly needs to be.

The quiet seems more beautiful to hear, the stillness seems more beautiful to experience
The noise seems so quiet that we can hear the birds make their music, sing their songs
The fear so great it energizes one to step up to change and recognize the gift that we have
And we will continue to tell our stories of hope, and love, and compassion, and life.

Experiencing vs Perception

How Dementia/Alzheimer's is experienced is memorably different than how it is perceived! This quote appeared on Facebook and it really made me think a lot about Gregory and my experiences with Dementia/Alzheimer's.

It is very Buddhist and very true and very inspiring as so many of us try to create change in how the disease is regarded and how care is provided!

To be able to perceive what a person living with Dementia experiences, we must be able to change our thinking and understanding as the person with Dementia changes since often, the person herself cannot make those changes!

On the Occassion of Isaac and Jessie's, My God Children's Wedding

LOVE and MARRIAGE

Wishes to Isaac Bloom and Jessie Liang,  Jessie Liang and Isaac Bloom,

On the occasion of their wedding, Friday, October 5, 2018.

By Michael Horvich

From my heart, some thoughts as you are about to agree to marry … 

You will continue to be separate individuals but will be living in a world of togetherness. You must continue to grow as individuals but now you will also have the opportunity to grow as a couple. 

Some growth will be person specific, sometimes one of you a little ahead of the other and sometimes a little behind but never too far from each other. Different friends, different likes and dislikes, different activities, apart time. The growth will take you in separate directions and this is good. 

Some growth will be couple specific, continuing on a parallel track and in the same direction, hand in hand, and this too is good. Friends, likes, dislikes, activities, together time; things that you both enjoy.

For a union to be successful, I strongly believe that both types of growth must take place.

Here is a little more advice which I believe will help you as you both grow on both paths.

“Self” is made up of everything you have ever thought, been told, said, seen. It is made up of everything you have ever witnessed, experienced, & more. Therefore, “Self” does not have an individual identity. Your “Self” is not just your personal beliefs. It is the total of and a reflection of every person and experience you know and have known. This has been true from the day you were born and will go on until the day you die. This began when you were a babe in arms, continued as a child, and a teen, and a young adult. This took place before you even realized that you had the power to accept or reject what people what you saw or what you heard.

To become a fully actualized person, you must now realize and accept that you do have the power to change your “Self.” To do so, one must “triage" their belief system. Mindfully rethink your beliefs as they come up, keep the ones with which you agree. Toss the ones with which you disagree. Rethink those of which you are not sure.

Now that you are agreeing to marry, not only the “Self” but also “Love” is moderated, by those very same things and conditions. Sometimes those moderations are helpful. Sometimes they are not. To have a fully actualized marriage, you must now realize and accept that you have the power to make changes in your beliefs. As a couple, you will need to jointly “triage” your “what is a “Marriage Belief Systems” as well. In this way, they will be more closely in synchronization. 

This is sometimes an easy process and sometimes a painful one. Saying goodbye to old beliefs is always a little difficult. Saying hello to new beliefs always a little frightening. But more frightening and risk-taking is NOT making changes.

In addition, to be successful, Gregory and I learned that COMMUNICATION and RESPECT are the key factors in our relationship. The willingness to not only LISTEN but also to HEAR each other figures in as well. We were able to NEGOTIATE and RENEGOTIATE our relationship, our RESPONSIBILITIES to each other, and our day to day housekeeping DUTIES as we grew and changed and our needs and lives changed. Sometimes Gregory needed to lead and other times it was my job to lead. Sometimes “roles were subject to change on a moment’s notice!” Also, we NEVER went to bed angry and NEVER walked out on each other until an argument/disagreement was settled or at least we mutually agreed to put the argument on hold. 

I believe that you two will have a wonderful (although sometimes it will be rocky) future ahead of you. You have already experienced some of that rockiness so it will not come as a surprise. If anything because of it, you will be able to approach new difficulties with greater strength, greater resolve, and therefore greater LOVE.

Congratulations on choosing change!

Fondly, Michael (and Gregory)

Education: Past and Present

The days were different, and the students were different ... but all four of us kept up with the changes and were some of the best teachers you might imagine! And our students were some of the best people you might imagine.

In my retirement people comment, "You got out in time, education has changed so much!" My reply is always, "We changed with the times and as the students changed. We didn't notice the difference in a negative way, we just lived and taught in the here and now."

Don't Speak of Overcoats or Your Bowels

The old saw says, "You know you are getting old when you begin to talk about the state of your bowels."

As a young, newly employed elementary school teacher, my mother often would ask me, "When are you going to be a grown up and buy yourself an overcoat?"

At a garage sale we ran in Gregory's old architecture studio before we moved out of 2635 Poplar and into the condo in downtown Evanston; a much older customer lowered himself into a chair to rest from his shopping; making loud sighing, groaning, aching sounds as I am sure you have heard before. My friend Roger labeled those "Old Man Noises" and warned against making them ourselves.

It is said that "you are only as old as you think you are" and "old age is only a state of mind." It is said that if you "act old," you are old."

Well here I am, now 73 years old, ... and I am old! Born in 1945 for which you have to scroll down quite a way when filling out your age in an online form, it amazes me how many years there are in that list between when I was born and today!

I have to admit that I am more aware of my bowels, own an over coat, feel the aches and pains of "old man noises," and realize that short of thinking or feeling or acting old, the body has a mind of its own as it slows down, breaks down, lets you down.

When I asked my Podiatrist why my feet were in such bad condition, he replied, "It's like having a car for 73 years and never having changed the tires." I find I need to more carefully navigate climbing stairs.

My skin doctor tells me that dry skin and itching is normal for a person my age, so the lotion bottle has become a permanent fixture on the sink counter. 

At my yearly visits to the eye doctor, she talks about farsightedness (hyperopia) getting better and nearsightedness (myopia) getting worse which is usual as one gets older. My glasses prescription changes each visit. Also I must now keep an eye (so to speak) on my cataracts which are beginning to cloud.

While I usually do not talk about growing older, keeping it privately to myself, it is nice now and then to discuss the symptoms with friends of the same or similar age, just to compare notes to know that you are not alone in your years, and possible to learn something you did not know about living with the process.

One thing that happens as you get older, is that you go unnoticed. People are not attracted to you, are not sizing you up as a sex partner, are not necessarily interested in what you have to say. Even though you have given your best to society during your prime years, you are deemed somewhat useless now. The young do not understand who you are in today's world and you do not understand who they are.

I find myself saying the same words my parents used to say with dismay as well as at times with disgust, "This generation ... I just don't understand them!" Ironically, there are so many more things I now understand about my parents and the changes they went through as they aged, but hopefully I am doing it more gracefully having learned from them how not to get older.

They slowed down as I am. They used to entertain but then did less and less. My father refused to stand in line at a restaurant or movie theater. They did not like to attend functions with large crowds. They preferred eventually to not go out or dive at night. Me too, now!

With one example for me which is similar to those of my parents, let me talk about entertaining. In my prime, Gregory and I used to entertain a lot. Dinner parties, holiday events, helping family and friends celebrate birthdays. When my parents would visit from Florida, I would invite all the family and friends to visit the condo so mom and dad could get to see everyone without having to run all over Chicago for the short time they were here. 

Gregory was born on July 4 so we had open house, immediate world parties featuring appetizers, dinner, beverages, birthday cake and fireworks for 30-50 people. As Gregory's abilities diminished due to his dementia, I would take on the event single handedly. Eventually I asked our housekeeper be at the party to help out.

Now, even with fewer people attending (due to attrition, old age, and death) after a party at the condo I feel like I have been hit by a truck, beaten up in the alley, fallen down a flight of stairs. Instead of having everything cleaned up (even with Halina's help) by the time I head off to bed, I head off leaving the counters and sinks still filled with dirty dishes.

The next day I finish cleaning up but still feel black and blue, bruised, sprained. I'll take two naps instead of the usual one.

Which brings me to the joys of taking midday naps! I find that I "husband" (I love that word husbandry: the care of a household; the control or judicious use of resources : conservation) I husband my time and energy and only allow one major activity a day. If I have an evening engagement or a play to attend, that is all I plan on that day. If I go grocery shopping, after coming home and putting things away, I make no other plans. 

I used to run four or five or six errands at a time, then cook dinner, or go out with friend to dinner and a movie. Now ONE ACTIVITY A DAY and a nap thrown in! Naps are the luxury of the aged, the retired, and at times the wealthy!

People still tell me that I have an amazing amount of energy but if compared to when I was in my fifties, I would say that the amount of energy I have currently is about half of what I had then.

So in this essay, it has felt good to analyze what this thing called aging personally means to me. A little complaining, a little humor, a little enlightenment as I shed more awareness on who I am at this time of my life.

I will say that not a day goes by that I am not grateful (if not acknowledging it out-loud) for the life I live, for family and friends, for Emma and Gigi my cats, for my health, for my financial ability to have a comfortable life.

I miss my life partner, soul mate, best friend, husband Gregory. We were together for 41 years. He lived the last 12 of those with Dementia, most likely Alzheimer's Disease. He died close to three years ago. I miss him terribly and Grief still rears its head now and then when I least expect it, but I have grown and continue my life as a widow. This is also part of aging. We knew that one of us would die first, Gregory beat me to it!

I am aware, as I continue my studies in Buddhism, that "We have a choice. We can spend our whole life suffering because we can’t relax with how things really are, or we can relax and embrace the open-endedness of the human situation, which is fresh, unfixated, unbiased.:" —Pema Chödrön, "The Fundamental Ambiguity of Being Human  

Meanwhile, I embrace my old age, I embrace the fact that I will die. Meanwhile I'll have as much fun as my aging, decrepit body allows (knowing that it will continue to age and get more decrepit!)

Emotions: Whose Responsibility Are They?

Interesting that this just came across my e-mail after a recent discussion with my niece about “panic attacks.” I have embraced the premise of this scientist’s talk and they have changed my life.

In many ways it is very Buddhist: Emotions are the barometer of who you are and where you are in your experience of life. Having emotions is not bad, something to be controlled. Emotions may be difficult to face, but they are not bad!

Being able to sit with them and thank them and ask them what lessons they have brought can change your life. The deep message here is that emotions are not built-in. They are something you build for yourself by experience, reaction, prediction, and guessing!

Happy New Year

On being another year older and dealing with aging.

Taken from "The Little Buddah"

A Rudder, A Till, or Going in Circles

Technically, A rudder is a primary control surface used to steer a ship, boat, submarine, hovercraft, aircraft, or other conveyance that moves through a fluid medium (generally air or water). Without a rudder, the conveyance tends to go in circles rather than the intended direction.

During a conversation with my sister-in-law Diane whose husband Mark Sr. died recently after a long illness, while we were comparing our "states of being a Widow," she said she felt rudderless. 

I knew what she meant as I felt the same for a while after Gregory's passing, although not using that word. Her use of the word rudderless got me to thinking.

In the beginning, the time I no longer had to devote to Gregory's care was devoted (not necessarily by choice) to mourning and taking care of the details in his death. Once the mourning was less overwhelming and all consuming, I found that I had a lot of extra time on my hands.

I would get up early, have breakfast, go through my e-mail, pay bills, write for a while, have lunch, go grocery shopping, put the groceries away, take a nap, make dinner, clean up the dishes, watch a few TV programs ... and then it would be only 7:00 and I was ready to end the day. 7:00 fucking o'clock!

I didn't want to watch more TV or read or take on another project. But go to bed at 7:00? Not possible. Sometimes I gave in by 8:00. I felt like I was biding my time until it was my turn to die.

After a while, that schedule widened and before I knew it the clock was telling me 10:00 or 12:00 and it could legitimately be bedtime.

After our conversation about rudderlessness, I got to thinking is that so bad? After so many years (five for Diane, twelve for me) of such intense focus on caring for our spouses, was it so bad to allow ourselves time to do just nothing, or do something if and when we felt like it?

Did we need to keep schedules, fill our time, have direction or could we allow ourselves to live in a state of relative emptiness as we mourned and missed our partners and as we recreated a new life in which to spend our time? Being older and having taken care of our partner for such a long time could we not take the time to rediscover how we wanted to spend our time or discover for the first time new ways in which to do so?

Often people in general, even without experiencing the loss of a life partner, pressure themselves to fill their time and not only to fill it, but to do so in a meaningful, productive way.

Sometimes the busyness is a way to cover not dealing with things with which they need to deal but are afraid to face. Sometimes it is because they are just not comfortable with free time, with empty time, with time to think, with silence. Sometimes it may be because they feel that the only measure of who they are is what they accomplish.

I think the lesson here is to learn how to be comfortable in not always needing to listen to the "noises in our head," to keep busy, to have purpose 24/7/365. We need to learn to like oneself enough to ignore other people's expectations for us. be comfortable being alone, and to enjoy being quiet with oneself. 

I believe that in emptiness there are lessons to be learned, fuel to help run life when it needs to be run, and time to reflect and to grow and arrive in new places in that growth. Going in circles can clear the mind and open new avenues on which to walk life's path.

Gregory and I loved the term Flaneur. Flâneur"stroller", "lounger", "saunterer", or "loafer". Flânerie is the act of strolling, with all of its accompanying associations.

The flâneur was, first of all, a literary type from 19th century France, essential to any picture of the streets of Paris. The word carried a set of rich associations: the man of leisure, the idler, the urban explorer, the connoisseur of the street.

Some of our best vacation times in Paris, Tuscany, Madrid, Barcelona, Puerto Villarta were spent wandering around the streets without any predetermined plan, seeing what would come across our path, what might be discovered, what new experiences might lie just around the corner or on the next block. 

Maybe allowing yourself to be rudderless now and then, to be a Flaneur, is a great way to really live life to its fullest and to be surprised along the way!

Change: A Poem

To LIVE …  is to change.

You are a different person today 

Then you were when you went to sleep last night.

You will be a different person when you go to bed tonight

Then you were when you woke up this morning.

These differences, at the basic level, 

are due to sloughing off cells and growing new ones.

These differences are also based on your experiences

as an individual and with those around you.

These differences are because of what you did today, 

what you saw today, what you heard today, what you said today.

These changes are what make life interesting and vital

and in turn, make your days interesting and vital.

My wish for you … 

make sure that you change 

with the changes you will encounter.

My wish for you … 

see the lessons these changes teach you 

and the growth you encounter because of these changes.

My wish for you … 

make sure that you continue to grow and change,

and experience and become.

And my wish for you 

… spend everyday and enjoy everyday

like tomorrow may never arrive!

Permanence vs Impermanence

I have been thinking about this one as a part, I guess, of my continuing process of grieving Gregory's death on October 4, 2015. We are coming up on two years. Cannot believe that it feels like a lifetime ago and like yesterday at the same time.

One of Buddhism's tenets is that nothing is permanent. Everything, yes everything, is in transition. You are different people than you were when you went to sleep last night. You will be different people when you go to bed tonight than you were when you woke up this morning.

These differences, at the basic level, are due to sloughing off cells and growing new ones. These differences are based on your experiences as individuals and with others. These differences are because of what you did today, what you saw today, what you heard today, what you said today. These differences are what make life and love interesting and vital and in turn make your relationship interesting and vital.

There will be failures and there will be successes. There will be illnesses and there will be wellnesses. There will be problems and there will be solutions. There will be arguments and there will be making ups. There will be tears and there will be laughter. There will be sorrow and there will be joy.

My wish for you … dear reader ... is that you try to make sure that you change with the changes you will encounter because encounter them you will. My wish for you … see the lessons these changes teach you and the growth you encounter because of these changes. My wish for you … make sure that your love for self and others continues to grow and change,

… and my wish for you … love every day like tomorrow may never arrive!

• • •

Another tenet of Buddhism is that because we try so hard to create permanence, which we can never really do, we suffer. We suffer the changes because as a human being we want to be happy and never sad, we hope to be successful and financially stable and never fail or be poor. We suffer because we blindly hold on to those things which we know we cannot hold. We suffer the day we begin to intellectualize things as a child and realize that we love life but that we will die. Everyone we love will die.

So having been thinking about this, I came to a conclusion? understanding? new way of living and dealing with the fact that Gregory is dead? Easily stated: Go with the changes. They are what they are and the only defense you have is how you think about them and how you react to them.

If you have "good," know that you may loose it but you get "good" back again in ways you might never have imagined. If you have "bad" it will pass also. Be careful not to allow yourself to hold on to "bad" in the name of seeking permanence of any kind. You would be amazed at how many people hold onto "bad" because it is a known entity and they still are trying for permanence (which never can  be achieved.)

My first thought is that Gregory's death is the one thing that is permanent, not always changing. Not being of this physical world any longer, change is not taking place. Some things are permanent for me, like never seeing him again, never kissing him again, never being able to hold his hand. No sharing of thoughts, no discussions, no arguments, no disagreements, no talking about recent adventures.

Yet I realized that in my memories and dreams I am still able to do all of these things and often in my dreams, they are so real I can feel him! I realized that even in death there is constant impermanence. Partly because I now hold Gregory in my heart, my memory, my thoughts ... as I change so does he. 

As my memory of events we shared together are revisited they will change. As I grow to be a new person each day, my relationship to Gregory as I see it will reflect the new person that I become, so there is impermanence there as well.

Also, who is to say that in his new place Gregory is not still changing, learning, progressing towards higher levels of love, compassion, and being?

On a day when I was particularly down (should I say depressed?) dealing with some of the more difficult times during Gregory's (our) journey with Alzheimer's, I had another realization. None of the difficult memories that I have are true anymore because they no longer exist for Gregory (or for me) so why do I allow them to continue to bother me, to add a measure of guilt for not having been better, at bringing me down today?

Holding on to these difficult times memories serve no purpose, do not serve Gregory, and certainly do not serve me. So why hold on to them. Release them and work at only remembering the good, the joy, the what I call "Momentary Monumental Miracles." Remembering the good times during his 12-year journey helps. Towards the end of his illness; instances like Gregory spontaneously telling me he loved me, or thanking me and saying that I am a good person, or our laughing together, or his giving me the last kiss having been in a coma for three days; are the ones I'll hold on to. 

I can tell I am getting better at my grieving if only because I am only rarely OVERWHELMED with sorrow. Most often, I will look at his photograph and say out loud, "Gregory, I love you. What an ordeal we went through! But we made it, you and I, didn't we?"

And he replies, "Yes, we did. And we did it well!" 

Change

Comments on "Sonnets to Orpheus, Part Two, XII" by Rainer Maria Rilke.

"Change happens in every moment. Not just the events of our lives, but the cells in our bodies, our memories, even our sense of who we are, all shift in a moment, often imperceptibly. We, on the other hand, tend to nurture a fixed idea of who we are and where we are going. We harbor notions of what is good for us and what is not, and try to organize and strategize accordingly. Yet life does what it does with scant concern for our preferences, so the poet is urging us to look beyond the parade of circumstances and events to the fundamental fact of change itself. In wanting the change, we are aligning ourselves with truth, with what is already happening anyway. We flow, rather than self-consciously make our own way. And in that flow sense of who we are and where we are going becomes more malleable and fluid, more responsive to conditions around us instead of bound by fixed beliefs and agendas. In the flow of change, self-forgetting happens, and a deeper remembrance can emerge, the remembrance of being always and ever joined to a greater life - not as another idea or elegant concept, but as a lived experience in the moment."

Ten Poems to Change Your Life Again and Again by Roger Housden. P 21. 2007