On Writing, On Life

Interesting that it more difficult to write about interesting, fun, timely things here than it is to write about emotional, difficult, worrisome things on my Alzheimer's BLOG. Guilt plays a role in making me come here when the last post date gets too far for comfort.

"Write everyday if you want to consider yourself a writer." Sit down and write about whatever comes into your head. Use writing motivations to help you get started. Write non-stop for ten minutes about whatever you are thinking about. But that doesn't always work.

For me, writing is a way of processing my life. Understanding it. Sitting with the difficult emotions that arise and seeing what they are telling me. Laughing over the amusing funny things that happen. Wondering about what I see and perceive around me. Thinking about and planing creative ventures and projects.

I was worried about getting through the holiday season this year since it was going to be the first Christmas and New Year's that Gregory and I did not celebrate together in forty years. But then I got to thinking about what a good (relatively) place we are in today compared to the hell our life was last year BL (Before-Lieberman.)

Also, I was able to celebrate with Gregory, just in a different way. I had my meals with him in the Lieberman dining room, we opened gifts, we had a Christmas tree in his room, we watched our usual holiday videos.

So now we are in a new year, a time of resolutions, a time of plans, a time to move forward. But can I do that when in many ways I feel like I am still "on hold" with Gregory as he continues to change and decline.

I visit almost every day for an hour or two and that cheers me up. I am in the process of signing up for Hospice for him which feels empowering to be able to control that part of the future which I am able.

But when I am home I am lonely, miss him so much, and feel lethargic finding  it is easier to not face my creativity, my projects, my day to day life maintenance. Gregory is still a very large part of my life and my focus. I am happy that he is still with me and that he is content, happy, safe, well taken care of.

So you can imagine that most of my writing is directed towards my Alzheimer's BLOG.
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com .

But what about me? Maybe another year will help me feel more my new self and help me get on with life. Maybe another year will help me realize those many projects I have created for myself. Maybe I'll get back into being a Supernumerary for the opera, Ringmaster for Michael's Flea Circus, Curator of a second museum The Small, Writer, Poet, Public Speaker? Maybe I will slowly get used to my life without the old Gregory, the old relationship, the old times together.

Or maybe I'll just continue to post more often on the Alzheimer's BLOG for now and see how life unfolds for me without too much pressure, too much fear, too much regret, too much frustration, too much anger. Maybe LIFE will sneak up and before I notice, I will be the new me?

A Great Gift of Love

My (our) friends Jan and Jake were over to dinner last night. It was my gift to Jan, as she enters her last week of teaching before summer vacation, of not having to cook Shabbas dinner. It was also a gift to Jake because he could have a good meal without having to hear Jan kvetch about how tired she is (she doesn't really ever kvetch, much.) Having taught myself, I know how the last few weeks of school is like being packed inside a snowball rolling down the mountain, gathering speed until you finally hit the lake.

Part of their excitement of coming to the condo was to see the new paint job. They decided that since it was kind of like a "new beginning" for me, a fresh start, a clean palate so to speak - they would bring me a house warming gift.

In their own creative way, they re-interpreted the traditional Jewish tradition of bringing salt (this should be your only tears,) bread (my you always prosper,) honey (my your time in your new home be sweet,) and wine (may your life be filled with blessings.)

Here is what their gift, given with love, looked like:

Given with HEART: Salt, Honey, Grain, Wine.