I have
grown up. Again! When I was a young man, I would look at a change in or new
understanding about myself and say, “My, I was so naive! I will never let that
happen again.” Ends up, my life, which is now in its 70’s, has been a series of
“being naïve again!” Maybe that is not so bad as it shows I am continuing to
grow and become.
My recent visit
to San Francisco, Gay capital of the USA to attend the Frameline 40 Film
Festival where I experienced my documentary ALZHEIMER’S:
A Love Story screen in front of a warm, accepting audience of 1,300 gay and
gay friendly people; viewing over 25 films (shorts and longs) dealing with gay
issues, and meeting a wide variety of people; has brought a new sense to my
homosexuality.
I have
been Gay all my life. In looking back, the signs were there since my earliest
memories. I "came out" at the age of 18, meaning had my first sexual
experience, and began to understand why I was different than most other boys. I
had known it for a long time but didn’t understand why.
I probably
did not fully accept with confidence that I was Gay until I was 40 years old
when I informed my mother that I no longer was going to lie to family and
friends about my sexual preferences or my male lover. Everyone knew anyways but
just weren't acknowledging it.
During the
first fifty years of my life, the 1950's through the 2000's, society's
attitudes towards Gay people, men and women, were quite different then they are
today. Life for gays was closeted and characterized by the expression,
"The love that dare not speak its name." Older role models did not
exist. Most Gay activites and socialization was underground.
Things
today, while not perfect, are amazingly different with same sex marriage legal
at the national level, wider acceptance of homosexuality by more people,
greater visibility of Gays in the political, entertainment, and sports worlds,
and perhaps more understanding in religions arenas.
This
scenario brings me to the discussion of some current realizations I have had as
mentioned in the first paragraph.
Most of my
younger life I liked other younger men and found older Gay men disgusting. Now
I am an older gay man! I now understand that while age affects how beautiful a
person's body might be, it does not affect the beauty of a person's soul. While
I look pleasant enough, my physical beauty is gone, my sexual needs not as
easily met as when I was in my twenty’s. A little late, now that I am in my
70’s, but I can accept this. I wish I had been a little more “generous” to
older men when I was young.
As a young
man; Drag Queens, Transsexuals, Transvestites, Leather Men, Butch and Lipstick Lesbians,
and probably a few others were embarrassing to me. I wanted Gay men and women,
including myself, to be well-behaved, normal, milk-toast, etc.
I thought
that if only these extremely visible groups would calm down, gays like me in
general would be accepted into society or at least go un-noticed. This was
based on little or no knowledge of who the people in these groups were
emotionally, physically, or belief system wise. I had few if any friends in
these groups and knew little of who they really were. This belief was pretty
common, I think, among many gay men of that time.
After
Stonewall, during what is known as the Gay Liberation Era, there was a huge
spit between Gay men and Gay woman who wanted to be known as
"Lesbians" not "Gay Women." At the time I thought this was
foolish. I understand this now and give the Lesbian community credit for being
among the first groups (including the early suffragettes) to fight for equality
for women in general. The battle continues.
Until
then, and somewhat still now, men were the dominant sex; making most important
decisions, holding most important roles in business, government, religion and
making decisions about who and what women could be. During Gay Liberation, the
Lesbian women said, "Hell no! We are in charge of ourselves and will make
decisions about ourselves ... men will not be in charge of us and we do not
want to be dumped into the group with them known as “Gay!”
My next
awareness was that seemingly "outrageous" expressions of self by Drag
Queens, Transgender People, Leather Men, and Butch Dykes turn out to be honest
outward expressions of how these people see themselves, how they want to live
their lives, and part of their fight for equal rights and protection under the
law. I now understand and accept that. I now have a wider range of friends in
my social groups.
Slowly
society is becoming educated and more accepting of these groups. Just because I
am not part of these groups does not and should not mean that they are wrong,
or bad, ... or embarrassing. I have become more accepting myself in this area.
The
initials GLBTQ reflect a long, successful journey! In the beginning it was
"being Gay." Then it got to being Gay and Lesbian. Slowly Bi-Sexual
was included. Over time T for Transgender was added and is becoming a lot more
visible today.
Q seems to
have two groups to identify. One is buying back the word QUEER but with
confidence and self-love and remembering the resolution of the Rainbow Flag
that we will never go back into the closet again.
The other
is Questioning, which means that sometimes people, whether young or old, must
figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how they want to express
themselves and their sexuality. Being open to possibilities that enable one to
question fixed societal beliefs is necessary. Some groups are playing around
with "I" for Inquisitive to replace Questioning. GLBTQI
Some say
that we should not have to categorize or label any of us, gay or straight, and
that is the problem. Ellen DeGeneres, who usually avoids discussing political
issues on her TV show, did talk about why we still needed to address marriage
between two men or two women as “Gay Marriage.” We do not need to describe
“Straight Marriage?”
In the
beginning I had trouble referring to my life partner Gregory as “my husband.”
Based on my early coming out, and societal norms of the day, if he was my
“husband” that must mean I was the “wife!” And that was not true. With the
passage of time, and laws, and common usage it feels OK to me to talk about two
husbands, or two wives, two mommies or daddies. I have been able to leave the
old thinking behind.
I believe
that through flexible, open labeling we are able to gain a larger understanding
of who we are and that we will all be better able to accept that "we are
all one" deserving the respect and privileges of being human. Stereotyping
no, but understanding our life through categorizing and labeling is how we make
sense out of complicated issues.
The world
is so torn by strife among ethnicities, races, religious beliefs, political
affiliations, etc. Human rights including those of the GLBTQI community are
part of this strife.
We all
speak to the need to DO SOMETHING in a world that looks the other way when
innocent black people are killed for little or no reason; when innocent police
officers are ambushed; when innocent people are blown up to support other's
political beliefs; when just to make a statement - theater audiences,
college students, and children at school can be mowed down by assault weapons;
when a Gay boy can be tied to a fence, tortured, and left to die; or when a
woman or transgender woman can be raped and brutally beaten.
The Orlando massacre of 50 Gays and Lesbians and friends brought yet
another and seemingly greater out roar about the need to stop the needless
slaughter of people and the need for improved gun control and back checks.
It was billed as the worse mass murder in U.S. history and this was quickly
followed by lists of hundreds of Native Americans who were killed by our
government for fighting for their own beliefs and for freedom to continue their
way of living which certainly pre-dates our own.
Society is slowly realizing that something must be done. But in a world
that seems to have always contained violence and war, what will it take to
change this and how long will it take? With each new occurrence we hope that
this time something will be done but when?
Perhaps everyone needs to wave the RAINBOW flag to signify never again.
Never again. Never again.
