Sometimes Milestones Need To Be Self-Created

(Part of this is reprinted from a previous blog with much being added.)

Being a Gay Man of 70 years, I have not been able to measure my life in milestones as do non-gay men who grew up when I did. In the traditional situation, a man measures his life by his accomplishments and successes but also by family events.

Getting married, having children, having grand-children has not been part of my list of milestone, so in may ways I have had to create them for myself.

On the family front, I celebrated my Bar-Mitzvah but it stopped there. I was not allowed to celebrate my wedding. I was not allowed to have/adopt children. I did not watch my child begin kindergarten or graduate elementary or high school. I did not see my son off to college nor hope that he would join the fraternity I did.  I did not walk down the aisle with the bride, my daughter, on my arm nor wonder when she would make me a grandfather.

Nowadays, with same sex marriage and the availability of adoption, Gay men and women can choose to include these milestones in their life. Too late for me, but grow up I did anyway and many unique milestones did exist for me none-the-less. It was just that they were not necessarily traditional.

My first milestone was owning my own refrigerator. I.E. not my mother's. I could fill it with the food items I wanted and arrange it in a way that made sense to me. As a child my parents would tell me "Don't sit" in the refrigerator!" as I stood with the door open contemplating what I wanted to eat. As an adult, just to show them, I opened the door to both the freezer and refrigerator and literally sat on the shelf created between the two.

Another milestone was the purchase of my first car. I was working at University Ford at the time in Champaign / Urbana, Illinois and going to school at the U of I. The sales manager took me under his wing and helped me through the details of purchasing a car. The car was a gold Mustang with an opera roof (they called it in those days: the roof covered in beige vinyl.)

Earning my BA at the Univeristy of Illinois, Champaign/Urbana campus  and being part of Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity were an important part of my becoming a grownup.

My first "real" job was teaching fourth and fifth grades for Northbrook School District 30 in 1972. 

Developing the character of "Maybe the Clown" and winning an Illinois Arts Council grant for "Maybe the Clown and His Back Pocket Review" was a fun part of my life. He performed all over Chicago. 

Quitting teaching, working with some wonderful people at Jerome's Restaurant (who are still close friends,) and touring Mexico for two months was an amazing experience.

Returning to teaching, which lasted for 17 years in Glenview School District 34, by creating the Gifted Education Program was creative and thrilling. It was also politically difficult working with different schools, sets of principals and their staffs, greatly different socio economic communities, and running between seven schools as teacher, administrator, and consultant to teachers and parents caused me to be "black and blue" most of the time. 

Completing my Masters of Education in 1980 and my Advanced Certificate in Administration and Supervision in 1982. All milestones.  I also earned the ubiquitous ABD (All But Dissertation) and probably this is my only one regret in my life, not becoming Dr. Horvich.

Great honor to have won fellowships, two years in the running, from the State of Illinois in the area of Gifted Education. Teaching for National Lewis University and running state summer institutes in Gifted Education added to the honor.

A big milestone, which is shared with the general population so not so different with my being gay, was my retirement from teaching in 1999.

Buying Gregory and my first home in Evanston and creating and extensive garden was a big milestone, and so was the purchase of a second home, just two doors down from the first, which included our living space, Gregory's architecture studio, and two rental units on a 50 x 200 lot two doors down from our original home.

Between the first two homes and after my retirement, I ran Gregory's architecture and design firm using the skills I had picked up in my studies of administration and supervision although applied to a business, not a school.

A difficult milestone was receiving Gregory's diagnosis of Dementia, most likely Alzheimer's Disease. We had suspected that something with him was amiss and in some was were a little relieved that we knew what was going on and could begin to prepare and compensate.

I was accepted, by competitive application residency, in the area of Creative Non-Fiction Writing in 2010 to a two week residency by the Ragdale Foundation, in Lake Forest, Illinois. I attribute beginning to be able to call myself a writer, a poet, and a photographer to this experience. I was able to celebrate the self-publication of two volumes of poetry which were well received by family, friends, and many others who purchased the books.

The next milestone in my life was the opening of Michael's Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures as a permanent exhibit at Chicago Children's Museum on Navy Pier. After three years in storage and after 8 months of design, my collection of collections, which until now had lived in the guest room of our home, opened to rave reviews and continues to be a beloved part of CCM, just having celebrated its fifth birthday! In this short time MM has become a wonderful legacy which I have been able to share with millions of visitors to and residents of the greater Chicago area.

Closing Gregory Maire Architect Ltd was also difficult but now we were free to enjoy the life we had left as the Alzheimer's slowly affected Gregory's functioning including cognitive, physical, and emotional abilities.

Traveling to Italy, Spain, and Paris; in addition to our yearly trips to Mexico were great markers of our life together as a gay couple.

Buying our condo in downtown Evanston was a great decision and I continue to love living here.

Gregory and my "Civil Union" ceremony in Stowe, Vermont was a milestone romantically and politically, but once outside of Vermont, did not stand of any legal consequence. Once same sex marriage was legislated in Illinois, Gregory and I chose not to marry if only because it would complicate his being eligible for Medicaid to help with his Alzheimer's needs.

As Gregory's Alzheimer's continued, I was no longer able to provide for his needs at home. I was fortunate in finding The Lieberman Center Special Alzheimer's Memory Care Unit. It was difficult moving him there but I was able to visit almost every day and we were extremely fortunate to have Manny as his caregiver. Lieberman provided excellent care medically and Manny provided social, emotional, support and companionship. My task became easier and the time Gregory and I had together was positive, loving, and quality.

Four students from Chapman University, Dodge School of Media Arts, headed up by Gabe, son of Gregory's college roommate John Schimmel, created "Alzheimer's: A Love Story" a documentary which so far has been accepted to 25 film festivals all over the world and won 12 awards.

The most difficult milestone I have ever had to live through was Gregory's death, after twelve years of living with Alzheimer's Disease, on October 4, 2015 and the grieving process which followed. I never really knew what "grief" was until I experienced that milestone and transition my life at the age of 70.

Gregory's Memorial Celebrations  (one at the condo and one at Lieberman Center,) having Gregory's obituary, which I wrote, appear in the Chicago Tribune and the Windy City Times were significant events. The  follow up story of our life which appeared in May 2016 as a cover feature in the Windy City Times felt big and were time markers for me as well.

The successful launch of the MORE THAN EVER EDUCATION FUN at the inaugural luncheon which took place at the Orrington Hilton in Evanston, marked the most recent high for me. La Casa Norte, a premier Chicago not-for-profit supporting youth and families confronting homelessness, has been a friend to Gregory and me for over 12 years and now Gregory and my education fund will become a legacy which will help LCN provide scholarship and educational support to hundreds of Chicago youth.

RECAP

Refrigerator

Car

Graduating Mather High School

Alpha Epsilon Pi

Bachelors of Liberal Arts and Sciences

Northbrook School District 34

Jerome's Restaurant

Maybe the Clown and His Back Pocket Review

Mexico Adventure

Purchase of 2643 Poplar Avenue, Evanston

Glenview School District 34 Gifted Education Program

Masters Degree in Education

Advanced Certificate in Gifted Education

All But Dissertation

Two State of Illinois Fellowships in Gifted Education

Retirement

Purchase of 2635 Poplar Avenue, Evanston

Running Gregory's Business

Gregory's Diagnosis of Alzheimer's Disease

Ragdale Residency Granted in Creative Non-Fiction Writing

Closing of Gregory Maire Architect Ltd

Publication of Two Volumes of Poetry

Purchase of 807 Davis Street, Evanston

Michael's Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasure

Civil Union Ceremony in Stowe, Vermont

Gregory's Moving into Lieberman Center Memory Care Unit

Deciding to Not Choose Same Sex Marriage in Illinois

"Alzheimer's: A Love Story" Documentary

Gregory's Death, Memorials, Featured Obit, Cover Article

More Than Ever Education Fund

Heavy Stones vs Milestone

I have experienced some wonderful milestone events in my life and I wanted to see if I could remember them all and list them here. I have also experienced some "heavy stones" or disappointments. The good far outweighs the bad. First I will start with some major disappointments.

DISAPPOINTMENTS

1) Sorry that I was not more aware of who I was or who I could be while I was in my formative elementary and high school days. These were very unhappy times for me.

2) Wish I could have been more purposeful in choosing who I was during my college days. I lived the life. I studied enough to get passing grades. I loved being in my fraternity as well as being in charge of the dining room and meals as Kitchen Manager (Commissar in fraternity talk) and then President ("Master" in fraternity talk.) I got drunk, I dated, I had sex. I was lavaliered and pinned (one step away from being engaged in fraternity talk.)

3) I decided I was gay through experimentation and some bungling. My "coming out" was not smooth or comfortable and I was not easily accepting of "this illness and/or shameful thing."

4) I have been sorry that I did not "run away" to New York to be part of the Broadway Musical scene as a chorus member, dancer, actor.

5) I did not finish my doctorate after having taken all my classes, passed my oral exams, having my dissertation topic accepted, and having completed approximately 50% of the dissertation work. I quit!

6) Not being able to get married to Gregory, after 40+ years of being in love and in our committed relationship. The ability to do so arrived in Illinois just when Gregory was admitted to the memory care facility due to his Dementia/Alzheimer's of 11+ years. If G and I were married he would not be eligible for Medicaid until all of our joint money, as a married couple, was spent. Pejoratively and simplistically: If you are very poor you are supported by the government or you do not get good care and die. If you are very rich you get the best of care and still have plenty of money available to live the high style life you have been used to. If you are middle class, like Gregory and I, you have just enough money to pay for your health care until you qualify for Medicaid, are then bankrupted, and end up having to sacrifice everything you worked for your entire life.

MILESTONES

I finished my BA degree in Liberal Arts and Sciences after having dropped out of school for a few years. My major was Spanish and my split minor was Education/ Psychology. Most of my course work was completed at the University of Illinois at Champaign/ Urbana. I received my Degree in Absentia from the U of I by taking my last four classes in New York City at Hunter College.

I finished my MA degree in Education from National College of Education, now National Lewis University in the area of Gifted Education. 

I was hired to my first job teaching by Northbrook School District 30 at Wescott School in a fourth grade classroom. Due to some internal reorganization, I moved to Willowbrook School teaching fifth grade where I was also the fourth and fifth grade Team Leader.

Robert, my first love, and I were together for 13 years. We grew apart and dissolved the relationship.

That led to meeting and falling in love with Gregory who has been my partner, soul mate, lover, and best friend for 40+ years.

I quit teaching after 10 years and went to work for Jerome's Restaurant in Chicago where I met and worked with many wonderful people including many who are my closest friends today.

I ran away from home "late" or had my mid life crisis "early" when I quit the restaurant and spent two months in Mexico.

Gregory and I purchased our first home on Poplar Avenue in Evanston, Illinois.

I was hired to create the Talented and Gifted Education Program from the ground up for the seven schools that were part of Glenview School District 34. That job lasted 20 years and while it was very satisfying, I was black and blue most of those 20 years from the politics of working in seven different schools, with seven different demographic profiles, with seven different principals most of whom felt I was encroaching on their territory and power. But I was a very successful teacher and many students flowered under my tutelage. I created an amazing program to facilitate my student's talents and became somewhat of an expert in the field among my colleagues in Illinois. I won two fellowships in Gifted Education from the State of Illinois Department of Education.

Gregory and I moved down the block on Poplar Avenue to a much larger property which included the original 1896 neighborhood farm house which was now two two-bedroom rental units. On the back of the property was a 1915 Chicago style loft building the first floor of which housed Gregory's architecture firm on the first floor and our apartment on the second and third floor.

Gregory designed (as a way of lovingly assembling my clutter of collecting) what was named Michael's Museum and was located in the third floor guest room.

I ran Gregory's high end Architecture and Interior Design Firm for five years before we closed due to his diagnosis of Dementia/Alzheimer's Disease. While the diagnosis was difficult we decided to live life to the fullest with the Alzheimer's not spend the rest of our time dying with it.

Gregory and I bought a new car, an Audi TT, a two seat sport roadster. After a day of shopping at the mall we would both, on seeing it across the parking lot, say "Awwww." Not a day went by that at least two people didn't compliment on what a cute car it was. White with a black rag top. We loved driving it!

Gregory and I spent a month in Mexico every year and traveled the world for the first time including Italy twice, Paris, and Spain; each for a month at a time.

In 2006 we traded our Audi TT for an Audi A4 Cabriolet convertible. Again white with black rag top.

Gregory and I bought a wonderful condo in downtown Evanston and lived there seven years. Now Gregory is at the Lieberman Center and I continue to enjoy the condo's peace and centeredness.

In April 2007, a full page article featuring Michael's Museum appeared in the "Q" Section of the Chicago Tribune in an article written by now friend Barbara Mahany. It was the validation I needed to promote the museum in the realization of a long time fantasy of having my museum become part of a real, established museum.

Michael's Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures became a permanent exhibit at the world class Chicago Children's Museum on Navy Pier. The opening day ceremonies and the opening night party brought people in quantities that blew CCM's museum mind. 90 guests participated in the day time ceremonies which included speeches, presentations, newspaper and city dignitary attendance, and breakfast. Over 300 attended the evening celebration which included a few speeches, visiting the new exhibit, and a spread of wine, cheese, and sweets. An after the celebration, a dinner for 50 close friends, family, museum people, and out of town guests took place on Navy Pier, downstairs of the museum, at Bubba Gump's Shrimp Restaurant.

By competitive application, I won a two week residency in Creative Non-Fiction Writing at The Ragdale Foundation, an artist community in Lake Forest, Illinois. From that point forward I began being able to call myself a writer, a poet, a photographer although I had been doing all three for many years. I now felt legitimized!

Not sure of the dates, but around this time I self-published two books of poetry,  many of which were informed by Gregory and my journey with Alzheimer's. They were well received and several readings were given around the city.

I wouldn't have ordered Gregory's Alzheimer's this way, but as it progressed and I was unable to provide for his needs at home, I was so fortunate in finding a place at The Lieberman Center, one of the best memory care facilities in Chicago. Now 18 months later Gregory is happy, content, safe, and well taken care of; we have a wonderful private care man with him seven days a week from 11:30 until 6:00; and I am able to visit him almost every day. At Lieberman, we have a wonderful group of caregivers who have helped me change my role from primary caregiver to secondary caregiver including doctors, psychiatrists, nurses, aides, social workers, activity directors, physical therapists, art and music therapists, dietary specialists, a fully staffed Kosher kitchen, housekeepers, and a laundry. Gregory qualified for Medicaid within three weeks (when the norm is 6 months to a year) and our life is good.

Lieberman residents and staff have become a kind of family to me. I get great joy when visiting and am able to nurture and spread my love to many people. I planned and sponsored a milti-sensory spring carnival for the residents at Lieberman in honor of my 70th birthday. It was an amazing success and will become a yearly tradition for them.

The son of a dear friend spearheaded a documentary about Gregory and my love and our Alzheimer's story as part of a class project at the Chapman University, Dodge School of Media Arts. A team of four "kids" stayed with me at the condo, filmed and interviewed, visited with Gregory and after a short period of a month put together a wonderful fifteen minute documentary that beautifully distilled Gregory and my 40 years of love and 11 years of living with Alzheimer's into a moving film. I was able to attend the screening in Orange, California at the school and it provided yet another "15 minutes of fame" for me.

In thinking of all these accomplishments, I guess I am amazed at myself. I wonder what will be next.