New York City: Fiddler on the Roof

Last night I arrived in NYC and a few hours later attended the first of seven shows to which I have tickets.

The show was “Fiddler on the Roof” sung in Yiddish and directed byJoel Gray. More than one tear was shed as the story unfolded itself and each tear surprised me!

First the cast was for the most part young, energetic, and talented. I envied them being in a Broadway musical.

Then the story of a people who through no fault of their own, just because they were Jewish, were shunned, attacked, and eventually forced to move from the home, their homeland just for being who they were.

So unfair yet they accepted their fate with dignity and continued hope for a better future. They believed that their God had his reasons which helped them survive. Family was the most important part of their life. And tradition!

Being Jewish is something I do not too often express and or live out, but for some reason this production of Fiddler, especially because it was sung and spoken entirely in Yiddish was amazingly moving. I once again realized how strongly I identify with my heritage, history, and tenants (for the most part) of the Jewish religion, even though I do not formally practice the religion.

While I have become who I am based in part of my being raised Jewish, I have little connection the religion or with family for that matter. I regret this but also know that it is what I have chosen and fulfills other parts of who I am.

It is a trade off and as I get older the regrets surface more strongly if only because there are fewer and fewer of my family left living to me. I am also aware that the regrets come from the fantasy of what family could and should be and often despite this, what it is not.

Another reason the musical moved me was because of my being Gay. For so many years, I was not accepted for who I was/am. I had to address and create my own milestones since I had stepped outside the social norm.

A tear was shed that I was not able to celebrate openly my love for Gregory and not able to profess that love to family and friends at a formal wedding celebration. And now I can only celebrate him as a memory.

Most often when attending a Broadway Musical, I come home depressed because I the fantasy of wanting to be part of that world, to be young and talented, to be able to express my life in music and song, to begin my life at 8:00 each evening (2:00 of there is a matinee) and to know what will happen with each light cue or dialogue presentation. This has been a fantasy since I can remember.

 Fiddler, sung in Yiddish, depressed me and moved me and celebrated me in ways that surprised me ... all in a good way!

Dirty Dancing Revisited

 I have been watching the recent television remake of Dirty Dancing. Watching the original (1987) for the first time was amazing because it was a reflection of many of my experiences as a nine to fifteen-year-old who vacationed with my family in a very similar resort in Wisconsin called the Nippersink Mannor Resort. Watching the 2017 remake was just at moving for me.

During our stays, while I didn't really understand myself, I felt the energy of the performers and dancers, of the young beautiful male waiters, of the confident young people who worked there. Although I was not yet aware of being Gay, the atmosphere drilled down to my very core and I loved being there. It spoke to me in a language that I didn't yet know how to speak and which was mysterious and exciting.

I danced with the female dance instructor and she said I was very good. I participated in a brief routine with the comedian husband and wife team. One summer my mom and dad and I left after our stay and my sister stayed on to work as a daycare helper so she became part of the "employees only" scene. I envied her.

So you can see why watching Dirty Dancing helped me to revisit those times. Suddenly, as I was watching, I found myself crying and stopped to think about why. It was because of the characters developing into full people, of the growing up, the becoming independent of one's parents, of the sexuality in the music and the dancing and discovering the sexuality in oneself, and the love relationship as it developed between Baby and Johnny. It was because of the loss of innocence and the sometimes tragic consequences of sexual relations.

I realized that while I continue to grow and become more than I am at this moment, the type of changes that take place earlier in life, never to be revisited and although painful at times, are no longer available to me. I miss the ability to grow and arrive on a much fuller side of who I am or even who I imagined I could be. A monumental feeling came with that type of change and growth.

I realized that I miss my lifelong dance partner, the person whom I loved more than anyone in life (and now in his death) and the changes and growth we experienced together. I miss the lack of a future of experience and growth with my honey. I miss the feeling of companionship, partnership, collegiality, and sex partner all rolled into one, which was Gregory.

Well, so much for an intermission. Time to make some popcorn and go back to the movie!

From my early days:

Trump Wins Presidential Election

I won't go on about this too much. Just watched Trump's acceptance speech and he almost seemed normal. His makeup was not quite as orange. 

My hope is that he is "actor" enough to be able get his public appearance act together. I cannot imagine how anyone, let alone Hillary, can concede to his bigotry, crassness, rudeness, prejudices, insensitivity, anti-Semitism, homophobia, and I could go on.

My hope is that he will not be able to keep his "campaign promises" , of which historically most of are not, even with the Republican majorities in the House and Senate. Hopefully the "checks and balances" system will work.

I will not be waving the American Flag for a while considering the Trump administration has brought the United States to a new low regarding women, minorities, LGBTQ, immigrants, Jews, the poor, and who else did I leave out. Right now I am NOT proud of us.

I have hope ... but also fear that this is the end (as we know it) of our Democracy, of rational thinking by those who we allow to govern, of respect for intelligence, persuit of diversity, "One nation with liberty and justice for all," and Lady Liberty keeping her arms open to those in need of new life in a new country as ALL of our ancestors experienced in the past as they arrived in the U.S.A. from all over the world. I only hope the "Hitler" references do not come true. As a Gay man and a Jew, I have a lot to loose!

Sometimes the bottom must be reached before reclamation, before a cure, before recovery. I believe we are experiencing a backlash to President Obama, to better health care for all, to Same Sex Marriage, among other what I consider growth.

This has been going on for a long time and Trump is the embodiment and culmination of this trend. The time of White supremacy is over, I believe this is what Trump is all about, I do not believe he is really the spokes person for the "common man," and the U.S.A. needs to work on a new identity and a rebirth in coming together.

Good luck to us all. And God Bless the United States of America (Lord knows she needs it!)

LGBTQ

I have grown up. Again! When I was a young man, I would look at a change in or new understanding about myself and say, “My, I was so naive! I will never let that happen again.” Ends up, my life, which is now in its 70’s, has been a series of “being naïve again!” Maybe that is not so bad as it shows I am continuing to grow and become.

My recent visit to San Francisco, Gay capital of the USA to attend the Frameline 40 Film Festival where I experienced my documentary ALZHEIMER’S: A Love Story screen in front of a warm, accepting audience of 1,300 gay and gay friendly people; viewing over 25 films (shorts and longs) dealing with gay issues, and meeting a wide variety of people; has brought a new sense to my homosexuality.

I have been Gay all my life. In looking back, the signs were there since my earliest memories. I "came out" at the age of 18, meaning had my first sexual experience, and began to understand why I was different than most other boys. I had known it for a long time but didn’t understand why.

I probably did not fully accept with confidence that I was Gay until I was 40 years old when I informed my mother that I no longer was going to lie to family and friends about my sexual preferences or my male lover. Everyone knew anyways but just weren't acknowledging it.

During the first fifty years of my life, the 1950's through the 2000's, society's attitudes towards Gay people, men and women, were quite different then they are today. Life for gays was closeted and characterized by the expression, "The love that dare not speak its name." Older role models did not exist. Most Gay activites and socialization was underground.

Things today, while not perfect, are amazingly different with same sex marriage legal at the national level, wider acceptance of homosexuality by more people, greater visibility of Gays in the political, entertainment, and sports worlds, and perhaps more understanding in religions arenas.

This scenario brings me to the discussion of some current realizations I have had as mentioned in the first paragraph.

Most of my younger life I liked other younger men and found older Gay men disgusting. Now I am an older gay man! I now understand that while age affects how beautiful a person's body might be, it does not affect the beauty of a person's soul. While I look pleasant enough, my physical beauty is gone, my sexual needs not as easily met as when I was in my twenty’s. A little late, now that I am in my 70’s, but I can accept this. I wish I had been a little more “generous” to older men when I was young.

As a young man; Drag Queens, Transsexuals, Transvestites, Leather Men, Butch and Lipstick Lesbians, and probably a few others were embarrassing to me. I wanted Gay men and women, including myself, to be well-behaved, normal, milk-toast, etc.

I thought that if only these extremely visible groups would calm down, gays like me in general would be accepted into society or at least go un-noticed. This was based on little or no knowledge of who the people in these groups were emotionally, physically, or belief system wise. I had few if any friends in these groups and knew little of who they really were. This belief was pretty common, I think, among many gay men of that time.

After Stonewall, during what is known as the Gay Liberation Era, there was a huge spit between Gay men and Gay woman who wanted to be known as "Lesbians" not "Gay Women." At the time I thought this was foolish. I understand this now and give the Lesbian community credit for being among the first groups (including the early suffragettes) to fight for equality for women in general. The battle continues.

Until then, and somewhat still now, men were the dominant sex; making most important decisions, holding most important roles in business, government, religion and making decisions about who and what women could be. During Gay Liberation, the Lesbian women said, "Hell no! We are in charge of ourselves and will make decisions about ourselves ... men will not be in charge of us and we do not want to be dumped into the group with them known as “Gay!”

My next awareness was that seemingly "outrageous" expressions of self by Drag Queens, Transgender People, Leather Men, and Butch Dykes turn out to be honest outward expressions of how these people see themselves, how they want to live their lives, and part of their fight for equal rights and protection under the law. I now understand and accept that. I now have a wider range of friends in my social groups.

Slowly society is becoming educated and more accepting of these groups. Just because I am not part of these groups does not and should not mean that they are wrong, or bad, ... or embarrassing. I have become more accepting myself in this area.

The initials GLBTQ reflect a long, successful journey! In the beginning it was "being Gay." Then it got to being Gay and Lesbian. Slowly Bi-Sexual was included. Over time T for Transgender was added and is becoming a lot more visible today.

Q seems to have two groups to identify. One is buying back the word QUEER but with confidence and self-love and remembering the resolution of the Rainbow Flag that we will never go back into the closet again.

The other is Questioning, which means that sometimes people, whether young or old, must figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how they want to express themselves and their sexuality. Being open to possibilities that enable one to question fixed societal beliefs is necessary. Some groups are playing around with "I" for Inquisitive to replace Questioning. GLBTQI

Some say that we should not have to categorize or label any of us, gay or straight, and that is the problem. Ellen DeGeneres, who usually avoids discussing political issues on her TV show, did talk about why we still needed to address marriage between two men or two women as “Gay Marriage.” We do not need to describe “Straight Marriage?”

In the beginning I had trouble referring to my life partner Gregory as “my husband.” Based on my early coming out, and societal norms of the day, if he was my “husband” that must mean I was the “wife!” And that was not true. With the passage of time, and laws, and common usage it feels OK to me to talk about two husbands, or two wives, two mommies or daddies. I have been able to leave the old thinking behind.

I believe that through flexible, open labeling we are able to gain a larger understanding of who we are and that we will all be better able to accept that "we are all one" deserving the respect and privileges of being human. Stereotyping no, but understanding our life through categorizing and labeling is how we make sense out of complicated issues.

The world is so torn by strife among ethnicities, races, religious beliefs, political affiliations, etc. Human rights including those of the GLBTQI community are part of this strife.

We all speak to the need to DO SOMETHING in a world that looks the other way when innocent black people are killed for little or no reason; when innocent police officers are ambushed; when innocent people are blown up to support other's political beliefs; when just to make a statement - theater audiences, college students, and children at school can be mowed down by assault weapons; when a Gay boy can be tied to a fence, tortured, and left to die; or when a woman or transgender woman can be raped and brutally beaten.

The Orlando massacre of 50 Gays and Lesbians and friends brought yet another and seemingly greater out roar about the need to stop the needless slaughter of people and the need for improved gun control and back checks.

It was billed as the worse mass murder in U.S. history and this was quickly followed by lists of hundreds of Native Americans who were killed by our government for fighting for their own beliefs and for freedom to continue their way of living which certainly pre-dates our own.

Society is slowly realizing that something must be done. But in a world that seems to have always contained violence and war, what will it take to change this and how long will it take? With each new occurrence we hope that this time something will be done but when?

Perhaps everyone needs to wave the RAINBOW flag to signify never again. Never again. Never again.

June is Gay Pride Month.

Letter to a Young Gay Man

(Written in 2007)

Joseph,

Hi. Your mom and I met four or five years ago when we were both in "Attila" at the Lyric Opera. I remember meeting you briefly as well. Time flies and according to your mom, you have grown into a fine young man (do I remember 17 years old?) She also shared with me your "coming out" as a gay man.

I probably have been gay all my life, but didn't really understand it until I was in my late teens or early 20's. Times were different for my coming out. Gay was not talked about, people didn't admit it freely, people acted on it secretly and with fear and guilt, double lives were lived, both men and women got married to an opposite sex member (who may or may not have understood the situation,) and had children. 

I taught for 30 years and for most of that time had to remain "in the closet" or face loosing my job. When we went to a gay bar to dance, even though of age, we faced getting raided, so the unspoken word was that if police raided the bar and you were on the dance floor, you would grab the nearest "dyke" and vice versa. Often gays, if too obvious, were beaten up on the street (still happens I guess but maybe not as frequently)

My mom had a terrible time dealing with my being gay. She discovered this about me when she uncovered a "love letter" that was tucked into one of my old college books that was sitting on the shelf at home. She called me at college on the phone and told me to come home soon because she wanted to talk to me. I knew what she wanted but didn't want to face her. I finally did go home and we "had it out." Many tears. If she hadn't discovered the letter, I do not know when I would have had the courage to come out to her.

She talked to the family doctor and he recommended that she take me to a psychiatrist to get me "cured." I refused. We argued a lot. She still loved me but couldn't deal with my being gay and I was already on my own and at college. She went to a psychiatrist herself and the message (which was probably unusual for that time and place) was to leave me alone if I was happy with my choice (in those days it was felt to be a choice rather than something you were born with. Who knows?)

Joseph, you are lucky to have such an understanding mom, who loves you, and who accepts you for who you are. You are still young enough that she will have the "final say" in many situations and you should respect that. To this day many families kick their gay son or daughter out of the house and disown them. 

My dad didn't know about me until much later but interestingly enough, he just loved me, no matter what. My mom on the other hand had to "deal with it" and was quite upset and miserable for a year or two. Don't know if my dad just didn't think about it, or accepted it.

Now both my family and Gregory's love and adore us both. He is an integral part of all family celebrations and I think we might be the favorite "daughter-in-law" or "sister-in-law" of both families :-)

I use these expressions figuratively as G and I do not take on gender roles. In the relationship, he does what he is good at and I do what I am good at and those things neither of us like to do we share. In the "olden days" people used to wonder while role you took. Are you the wife? Are you the woman? Are you the bitch? Top? Bottom? Maybe some people still think (and maybe some gays still behave) that way but Gregory and I do not feel the need to identify in that way.

My first relationship with a man lasted 13 years before we grew apart and finally separated on a friendly basis (after much arguing and anger.) My current life partner and soul mate, Gregory, and I met 30 years ago and are still going strong. (I am 62 he is 58.) We were participated in a "Civil Union" ceremony in Vermont recently and took part in a "unity" ceremony during the March on Washington many years ago. While the issue of Gay Marriage is a controversial one, we believe that making a commitment to each other (of whatever type) is what matters, and making that commitment in the presence of others is important. 

Before deciding that I was gay, I had had many girlfriends and even loved one or two to the point that I thought I would get married. Final analysis, men were more important to me in a relation (and in lust :-) 

I mention this about women only because you are still young yet. Gay could be it for you or it could be a "phase." I do not mean this lightly and am not disrespecting you and your decision, I am only saying that as we "grow up" (and I am still growing up :-) we explore and experiment with who we are and who we want to be. These decisions change and take unexpected turns. I am only advising that you keep an open mind and be prepared to explore, experience, learn, and grow. I am sure you will do a fine job of defining who you are!

Check out my web site if you get a chance. When I came out there were no older role models for me to follow. Most older gays were either in the closet still or behind closed doors in their social groups. Now that "gay" is so much more accepted (in most places but certainly not all) role models are visible on TV, in the movies, and on stage. Even an opera or two has homosexual overtones, like Billy Bud.

Back to the web site, you might find it interesting to see how Gregory and I spend our lives and what is important to us. There are pictures of our 30th anniversary and an overview (with pictures) of our 30 years together as a couple.

If you have any questions you would like to ask I will probably answer them but may refer you back to your mom, another source, or politely decline answering on the grounds that it is too personal or that I don't know a good answer. Ask anyway.

I have enjoyed thinking about these issues and writing to you about them. I in no way mean to imply anything about you or your life and do not assume that you are anything but a thinking, feeling, intelligent young man, but wanted to share some of my thoughts about ME! 

Take care, say hi to your mom, drop me a line if you get a chance, and do check out www.michaelandgregory.com

Fondly,

Michael

Don't Take This As An Insult

Tonight I had dinner at Max's in Northbrook. You'll see extra lean brisket, cole slaw, fries, au jus, pickles, diet coke, and rolls.

The waiter was excellent but besides his service, he was cute, slim, young, short dark hair, pretty smile. Just my type.

The most amazing part was that the entire time I was telling him what  I wanted to order, he never once broke eye contact with me.

While he was writing my order on his pad, he never once broke eye contact.

I was very impressed and honestly, a little un-nerved!

He checked back several times to make sure I had everything I needed and that I was enjoying my meal.

As he was approaching my table with the check I weighed if I should tell him what I was thinking. One of the perks of old age is that you can get away with quite a bit. So I spoke my mind.

When he dropped the check I said to him, "Please don't be insulted but if I were 50 years younger I would have asked you out for a drink after work."

He replied with a smile and that intense eye contact, "And I probably would have accepted."

DOMA and Proposition 18 Struck Down by the Supreme Court

We used to dance at BOB'S BISTRO A-GO-GO near Old Town on Wells Avenue.  One would go down a dark alley having to know which door to knock on since there was no entrance area and no sign. The door would open a crack and if you looked "right" you were let in. This was the late 1960's and 70s.

The bar was a large, open, unattractive, not necessarily clean room with a juke box in one corner and a makeshift plywood bar. The club was rumored to be owned and protected by the Maffia but we were grateful to have a place we could call our own. The place would be populated with wall to wall gay men and women trying to enjoy an evening with friends, drinking, dancing, and yes listening to Donna Summers, doing "Poppers," and possibly smoking "Weed." 

The fear of the bar's being raided was always in the air and in glances over one's shoulder towards the door. The unspoken word was that if "RAID" was announced, each "faggot" would grab the nearest "dyke" as a dancing partner. The "boy/girl" approach would save you from being herded off to the waiting paddy wagons, taken to the Chicago Avenue lockup, photographed, and identified. If you were "clean" charges would not be pressed and you would be released.

If you were underage, had drugs on your person, or fought back physically or verbally against the police you were in big trouble. If you were not in big trouble you WERE in big trouble anyways because your name was published in the "GAY BAR RAID" article in the Chicago Sun Times or Tribune,  your family might find out, and if your employers sound out, most likely you would be fired. 

Those were the days. The Supreme Court's striking down of Proposition 18 and DOMA is cause for celebration. We've come a long way baby but there is still a lot of change necessary. There are many parts of the country (world) where being gay still means discrimination, abuse (verbal and physical,) and possibly death.

Then again Jews, Blacks, Muslims, Latinos, various other ethnic groups and minorities, etc etc etc also continue to long for freedom, equality, and peace. This doesn't even begin to take into account the continuing fight for Women's Rights! There will always be differences and disagreement between people of the various religions, cultures, races, sexes, sexual preferences, etc. 

There will always be fanatics with whom we will have to deal, but slowly if each one of us tries to be tolerant of others, and learns to live with individual differences -- we will get closer and closer to being able to be who we are or need to be. By respecting other's rights, we will gain respect from others for ours.

So many of us are saying, "Who would have believed that in our life time...." Maybe we should be optimistic and hope for more and continued, bigger and better.

Michael and Gregory

Remembering the Edge

There was a time when there was an edge to my life. I was young, good looking, horny, gay. One never knew what (read who) was waiting around the corner.

Who would be next. How would you meet? Where would you go? What would you do? A glance of the eye, a rub of the crotch, a whispered request. A posture, a pose, a connection.

Growing excitement in a guy’s shorts at a diner.  Glancing of a cashier at the grocery store. Nodding of a passerby on the street. Staring of a kid in the park. Beckoning from a second story window.  Dancing at the disco. Applying sun tan lotion at the beach. Legs touching on a bus. Brushing hand against hand in a movie theater.

But now that edge has dulled. I am the one doing the glancing. Staring. Imagining. Fantasizing. Dreaming. Remembering.

December 27, 2007

Or forever hold your peace.

With the recent progress in same sex marriages, it turns out that a lot of people (gay or straight) have been using the landmark court decision that allowed same sex marriage in Massachusetts as part of the ceremony. The decision was written by the then Chief Justice, Margaret H. Marshall (2003.)

"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return, it imposes weightily legal, financial and social obligations. ... Without question civil marriage enhances the 'welfare of the community.'

"Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition. 

You may now kiss your partner.

Same Sex Marriage

Couldn't be better said. Watch this: Zach Wahls Speaks About Family