On Aging

There seems to be a general, all-pervasive heaviness to my life nowadays. Is it the COVID? Is it being 75 about to become 76? Is it the continued grief at the loss of the physicality of my love Gregory? Is it the unexpected passing of my sister? Is it due to so much more past to contemplate than future available to anticipate?

The word morass comes to mind: an area of muddy or boggy ground. a complicated or confusing situation. It describes the Ying and Yang of my current life: being grateful, content, joyful, at peace vs grieving, and fearful of what my age, my health, and my future will bring. 

Gregory and I always used to talk about the "parting of the veil," that brief moment when the truth behind the daily passing of our life is shown with honesty and vigorous uncolored awareness. Those moments are the most difficult to get through but then the veil shifts back to covering those things that would prevent us from living our life today and not worrying too much about tomorrow.

Part of getting older, I believe, is that the veil seems to open itself more often and takes longer to return to protecting us from the difficult parts of living day-to-day.

I find I return to the reality for me, at 75 years of age, that there is more PAST to process than there is FUTURE to look forward to. 

The FUTURE to which we look forward becomes more uncertain and more frightening than previous FUTURES of the PAST! 

And the PRESENT with the isolation, fear, suffering, poverty, illness, deaths, and losses from COVID-19 and the STATE OF THE UNION with its divisions, hatred, lying, cheating, racism, homophobia, etc., as well as my own physical and mental changing due to the aging process; is not the most pleasant place to be right now.

With the longer history of the past, I believe we begin to forget that nothing is permanent. That the expression This Too Shall Pass applies to not only the bad, difficult times but also the wonderful, beautiful times. We become used to a certain way of living and become less flexible in our ability to bend and change. Obviously, we want to hold on to the good, but the bad will arrive whether we want it to or not, and bending and changing is really all we have available to us and they just become more painful!

So perhaps GRATITUDE for the good we do have, for our ability to be RESILIENT, for FAMILY and FRIENDS and LOVE and CARING and KINDNESS, for not so much LAMENTING the bad things but CELEBRATING the good, not wondering why things are as they are but rather working on how we think about those things is most important. 

So I learn to live with the all-pervasive heaviness to my life while at the same time appreciating the GRATITUDE, RESILIENCE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LOVE, CARING, KINDNESS TOWARDS OTHERS AND focus on CELEBRATING THE GOOD .

Have You Ever?

Have you ever wanted to walk out the door of your home with just a few items in a duffle bag, lock the door, and never return ... at least for an indefinite, extended period of time?

We become so used to our lives, our routines, being with the people we care for, petting our dog or cat, owning the things we have. Then something like COVID 19 comes along and all of a sudden everything we know changes, the future is no longer what one hoped for, and the idea of impermanence becomes more of a reality than it ever has been. Maybe that accounts for my current feelings of wanderlust?

As we get older we get more secure in who we are, more comfortable with what we have, and dependent on those possessions; the more difficult it becomes to make big changes. We hold on for "dear life" to what we have for fear that if we let go, we may never be secure or comfortable again. Also, as we get older the feeling of time's running out gets stronger. If you are going to do something, better do it now!

I am grateful that financially I am comfortable and with my retirement pension, help from Gregory's life insurance, and with successful planning in my investments I do not have to worry about how I will pay for my life expenses.

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if I could pack a change or two of clothing, my medications, my cell phone with charger, and perhaps my iPad Pro. I would not have to let anyone know the details or whereabouts of my decision just that I was doing it, so they would not worry. I would have to make sure that my pets were cared for and that my bills would get paid. I would call my loved ones now and then to let them know how I was doing and that they should not worry about me.

With duffle bag in one hand and credit card in the other, I could take on the world. Fly to where I wanted to be, rent a room, eat out, buy whatever I might need when I might need it. For example, instead of having a medicine chest full of all kinds of remedies, if I had a cold I could go to the nearest pharmacy and buy a small box of Mucinex. If I wanted to read the next book, I could download it to my iPhone.

I could spend my days in my room away from home, thinking. Or I could go to a local museum, a library, a botanic garden, or take a hike to see natural wonders like a mountain or a waterfall. My iPhone would document what I saw and my iPad would tell my stories.

Moving on to the next site or adventure would be no problem. Whenever I felt like it, on a moment's notice to no one but myself, I would pack up the duffle bag, leave any surplus behind for whoever moved into the room after me, and after a train ride or an airplane flight, begin my next adventure.

Granted with COVID most of the above would not currently be possible but I can fantasize anyway. Will I be brave enough to embark on an unplanned, directionless adventure after COVID? Not sure. Then again I have also thought about buying or renting a "small house," deciding exactly how much would be enough to live in it and take that as my adventure in basic living.

The hope for these changes in me lies in how pared down my life currently is because of the pandemic. While I have so many luxuries around me, for which I am so grateful, my life certainly has changed in ways I never could have imagined, I continue to fill my days meaningfully, and I am happy and content.