The World Today

In its most basic terms, Enso is the Japanese word for ‘circle’ or ‘circular form’. Think of a regular circle. You could choose to see it as a representation of nothing (that is zero)

On the other hand, the circle could be a form that encompasses everything within it. Perhaps you see it as both. In a way, that is the epitome of a Zen state of mind, where nothing and everything exists. Form is void and void is form.

I wrote this to a friend on Facebook in response to his difficulties in facing the "world" every morning even though he has so much to be grateful for:

• • • • •

So beautifully and heartfully articulated. You could be accused of being too emotional or sentimental, but I believe that is your strength. You have the right to your tears, they are well earned during today's battles.

I do believe, and I'll mention his name, Mr. tRUMP has done us a service by making all the difficulties of the times so transparent. I believe that the destruction of America has been ongoing, we just have not been aware or have avoided awareness.

The good that also comes out of the (pre-COVID 19) is that maybe we have learned to not only listen but to hear, to empathize, and maybe to begin to change those negative ideas around us and behaviors that maybe even the "self" has not been aware of. 

In many ways we all want security, we want our stories to have happy middles and endings, we do not really want to acknowledge how ugly people and the world can get. By really seeing that, I believe we can begin to change. When we are blind to the reality around us, nothing changes, it just accumulates and multiplies.

Also, (with COVID 19) we are in the middle of a Buddhist lesson (for which we most likely have not yet established a strong practice) EVERYTHING CHANGES. Nothing stays the same. We are not the same people we were this morning, at the cell level and at the intellectual level (hopefully.) 

I believe for a long time now (maybe since the beginning of time) we have been lulled (or allowed ourselves to be lulled) into a false sense of security that it will all end happily. Maybe some of it will but for the most part, there will be happy and there will be sad, there will be joy and there will be sorrow, there will be life and there will be death.

This is one of the great lessons Gregory taught me as we traveled together on his journey through Alzheimer's. Life just is and is the total of all the details, wanted and not! 

Love you, John, Cry if you must, but don't forget to laugh. (You do list the things for which you are grateful in your wife and children, and that is good!)

A Close Look at Grief

It is so hard to get really close to the trauma one has experienced in one’s life. In my case, the trauma I am writing about here, lasted 12 years as I walked the Alzheimer’s Path with my husband, my partner, my lover, my friend, my soulmate, Gregory.

I did a good job of shepherding Gregory though his illness but it was just that, his illness, not mine. That added a little bit of guilt to the story. Fear complicated the story: fear of what he was going through without my really being able to experience it myself or even to understand at times what he was experiencing.

Anticipatory grief played havoc with my mental and emotional well being. What would happen tomorrow? What changes would show up later tonight? Cognitive skills slowly withdrew and then reappeared, sometimes weaker and sometimes not, and then finally they would disappear. Playing my part as a caregiving partner with respect for Gregory was more and more difficult. Maintaining "normalcy" in our life changed often; sometimes daily, sometimes hourly. 

It was a game without rules, or rules which changed on a moment's notice. It was a dance without music or practiced moves. It was a musical with words and melodies, and sets and costumes; which often made no sense.

After Gregory died I fought the memories. I fought the memories of our 12-year journey but also the memories of our 40-year relationship. Good or bad, recalling them was too painful, too traumatic, too akin to panic. It was easier to suppress, distract, avoid, hide, refuse them.  

It was so important to my healing that I eventually let myself walk hand in hand with the memories and the emotions. It was so important to my grief that I spent time with the emotions and welcomed them in as part of me. 

Emotions, I used to think were bad things to be controlled. Through my studies in Buddhism, I discovered that the emotions were part of my classroom, my life classroom. I learned that they were a barometer to how my life was going. I thanked them for arriving, for getting my attention, and asked: “What lessons do you have for me?” 

If I was physically or mentally not up to dealing with the emotions or if their arrival was inconvenient to my daily schedule, I could welcome them and explain why I could not meet with them right then. I promised that I would invite them back when I would spend unrushed time with them. I made sure I did invite them back instead of burying them for too long.

Dealing with the memories, emotions, and lessons learned was not always pleasant. Sometime a warm, satisfied, successful feeling would arrive with them. Often working with the grief of Gregory’s being gone and the loss I felt was overwhelming, painful, and filled with tears. Now and then a tantrum, shouting, or beating my pillow would help.

To sit with the emotions and ride through the storm they brought, would always help me feel better for having done so. The lessons made themselves clear to me and insight was my reward. I was working through my trauma.

I grieved in my own way, I did a little research, I found a book or two that helped. I did not let people tell me how to grieve or for how long to grieve and out of the goodness of their hearts they often tried, some lovingly and some with an attitude of “you have got to move on!” 

Slowly it did get easier as the research, books, and friends said it would. But “easier” is not really the best way to explain it. I now believe that one never gets over GRIEF! One grows larger than the grief and stronger than the grief which makes it easier to carry. 

Gregory became finite: he was no longer alive to grow and change (at least on this plain?) I continued to be infinite: growing, changing, learning, experiencing, pursuing new and exciting adventures in life.

The most difficult part of my grieving Gregory's death and my life was about losing the physicality of our relationship. Not being able to care for him, be there for him, hold his hand, tell him I love him, share our adventures, laugh together, and so much more made me miss him all that much more! 

New ways of having a physical relationship with him were slowly developed. I talk to him every night before bedtime, I ask for his help with important decisions, I created a shrine on the bookshelf which is on his side of the bed. His remains rest in his favorite Grandma Carrie's sewing box which is part of the shrine.

Fresh flowers and candy are always on his shrine shelf (which I eventually eat myself.) I wave at his photograph on the shelf and keep a battery candle flickering 24/7. Presents that are purchased for him while traveling live on his shelf, like the collection of hearts purchased on my travels. Holidays get their turn with a small Christmas tree, a valentine I saved from him to me, a small Easter basket with jelly beans.

I will always grieve my Gregory, there will always be a hole (felt) in my chest until the day I die. I am just “better” at dealing with the grieving! At special times of the year, like holidays and birthdays; or when confronted by certain triggers like a song, a familiar sight, the smell of a certain food cooking; the grief returns in full force and I let it in. 

But because I am stronger and infinite, it is easier to pick up and carry on. I can carry the weight of that grief in ways that I could not do right after Gregory left and not in ways that I could have, had I not let the sorrow, grief, and pain in to sit with me to teach me their lessons.

Breathing Room

When I am missing my Gregory and begin to feel overwhelmed at what we went through for twelve years and by my slowly settling grief for almost four years now, I just think to myself, "He got sick and he died." It is as simple as that. For some strange reason thinking this makes more sense than pondering the "why" and "how" of our journey and makes me feel better.

Also, when I think about my own mortality, it makes me feel a little better knowing that Gregory is already on the other side, possibly waiting to support me when my time comes. I do not imagine this in any way that my human mind can invent, so no walking again hand in hand, etc, but still it makes me feel a little better, a little safer, a little more protected.

Not sure where or why these thoughts arrived today but I thought I would give them some breathing room!

Finding Enlightenment

First, know that ENLIGHTENMENT is not something to achieve.
It is already there, living inside you, waiting to be discovered!
All you need to do is learn how to quiet the voices, past and present
that cause you to judge, to criticize, to evaluate ... others and yourself.

An actualized adult looks at beliefs and TRIAGES what they believe.
Some beliefs no longer are true for you, get rid of them, and forget them.
Some beliefs are still important to you, keep them and hold them with love.
Some beliefs you are not sure of, hold on to them, no pressure to decide.

It feels great to know that certain beliefs no longer are part of who you are.
But, careful, the triggers are still there and will bring back those beliefs.
Note those trigers, be aware of feelings, remind yourself of new choices.
Quiet yourself. Hear your own voices, not those of the past or of others.

Children believe what they are told by important people in our lives,
Parents, Grandparents, Priests, Teachers, Relatives, Neighbors, other adults.
Children we do not realize they have POWER, power to decide, to believe.
They accept what others tell us, by what we see, hear, read.

Other children: friends, and foes, also influence our beliefs and thoughts.
We like them and/or are bullied by them, we want to be liked by others.
We work to feel good, feel happy. We work to avoid feeling bad, unhappy.
Life is confusing; Children grow up without realizing they have power.

The purpose of childhood is to become INDEPENDENT of our parents.
To make our own life, our own decisions, our own happiness is our goal.
We also make our own misery, reinforcing our own poor self-image,
reinforcing our belief system which may or may not be still be true.

How do you QUIET yourself enough in today's busy, noisy world?
How do you take the constant barrage of contradictory pieces of information
and create an environment for at least a little piece of time in which you
can hear your own voices? Look at your own feelings and beliefs?

MEDITATE, is what you are told. What does that mean, how do I do that?
Meditation does not mean taking long periods of time out of your busy day.
It means taking a minute or two  and slowly building on how long.
If your goals are too ambitious you are setting yourself up for failure.

For a minute or two, maybe at the same time each day and same place,
concentrate on BREATHING. Breath in. It is good. Breath out. It is good.
Realize that everyone in the world is sharing this sacred moment with you.
As we all breath without much thinking we have a minute or two well spent!

Don't think you need to stop thinking! The mind is always thinking.
Focus on your breath, if your mind wanders, as it will, just make note
Bring it back to focus on your breathing. Don't linger on the thought.
Don't tell backstories just acknowledge it and refocus on your breathing.

Through meditation, you will find that slowly you will be able to relax.
You will be able to hear the voices deep within, the messages they bring,
not in the "mind wanderings" but in understandings that come after
the few minutes of meditation. Slowly build time, try to keep to the place.

You will find that EMOTIONS are not something to be controled,
but rather a barometer of your current life. Thank you emotions.
Sit quietly and ask what lessons your emotions have come to teach you.
Meditate and often the lessons will come automatically and easily.

Some lessons will not be easy. They will bring pain, discomfort, and tears.
Acknowlege them, you will feel better and be better at dealing with them.
Ask them to return later if you do not have time to spend with them, but do
invite them back. If you begin to solve them you will feel better about them!

Follow this advice, don't be hard on yourself, don't set high expectations.
Better low and met than high and punishing yourself. Meditate. Triage.
Say hello to your emotions and thank them. Ask what lessons they have.
Postpone if necessary but remember to invite them to return to visit later.

Enlightenment comes from deep within, it already exists within you.
Slow down, quiet down enough to listen, learn your lessons and to locate it!
You will be able to call up your new beliefs at will with more confidence.
The new thinking, the new understanding will serve you well.

The practice of catching a football during the middle of an important game,
with the ball coming at you, is not the best time to begin your practice.
Practice whenever and where ever you can. Practice often. Practice regularly.
Practice when under no pressure. Practice for a few moments a day.

You will find that when you have established a PRACTICE for yourself,
you will still drop the ball now and then but you will catch it more often
even when smack dab in the middle of the ongoing game called LIFE.
Your days will be filled with joy and love, self-confidence and growth!

Dreams, Emotions, Lessons, Awarenesses

Last night was not an easy one. The dream began with a feeling of being smothered by someone who had come into the bedroom. It was like someone had lightly laid a pillow across my face and I was afraid to push back for fear of what was coming next.

Then I woke up.

I realized I was frightened and called for Gregory. I couldn't tell if I was calling outloud (which seems to happen a lot in dreams) so I called again, "Gregory, I am frightened. Come help me!" And he did.

Then I woke up for real.

Realizing that it was a dream in a dream I also realized, painfully, that Gregory could not come to help me and that besides his spiritual guidance and presence (which I have experienced,) he would never be able to physically come to help me again. Or embrace me. Or hug me. Or lie next to me.

The tears began to flow and I still felt frightened. I took deep breaths and worked at calming myself. I got up and walked around the condo a while, double checked to make sure the doors were if fact locked, and went back to bed.

In the dark, the dream was still with me. I tried to think about the emotion of fear and think about what message the dream was trying to bring me. The word lonliness came to the surface and the word alone.

Recently I had written about feeling "older" and about the exponential changes one goes through healthwise when the decades are larger. I.E. the body goes through expenentially more changes when your age goes from 70 to 80 than it did when it went from 50 to 60.

Also, I had read an article about an Austrailian scientist who just turned 104 and decided to go to Switzerland for an assisted suicide as we was ready to die based on his quality of life.

Finally, I saw on Facebook that the father of a student at Northeastern University, in a freak accident, was hit by a falling projection screen and might end up being parazlized.

I decided that the "fear" that visited me during my dream was of growing older, of being alone while ill, and of the continued realization that life is so fagile that it can fall apart on less than a moment's notice.

I know all this so why dream about it now? And lessons are not going to change the details. Maybe the other side of the dream is to remind me to live each moment as well as you can (I do,) be grateful for what you have (I do,) don't worry about those things you cannot change (I do.)

A snappy ending to this essay then is "I now pronounce you man and emotion. You may kiss the fear." Or a philosophical ending: "Life is easier to accept by the light of day than it is by the shadow of night."

Emotions: Whose Responsibility Are They?

Interesting that this just came across my e-mail after a recent discussion with my niece about “panic attacks.” I have embraced the premise of this scientist’s talk and they have changed my life.

In many ways it is very Buddhist: Emotions are the barometer of who you are and where you are in your experience of life. Having emotions is not bad, something to be controlled. Emotions may be difficult to face, but they are not bad!

Being able to sit with them and thank them and ask them what lessons they have brought can change your life. The deep message here is that emotions are not built-in. They are something you build for yourself by experience, reaction, prediction, and guessing!

A Cup of Hot Chocolate Stirred with a Candy Cane

Looking past the Evanston Christmas tree towards our condo.

This post will just be a chatty one. So get your cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate mixed with a candy cane and I'll begin.

There have been very few posts during December. I wonder why. Some of the early ones were insightful,  some dealt with "Santa Sightings," and some were a continuation of the grief discussion I feel at this second holiday season without Gregory by my side.

I have been feeling somewhat sad most of the month but not necessarily in a bad way. I am aware of how much I miss him, but that is OK and I am able to continue to function day to day. If I spend too much time questioning the purpose of life and the meaning of death, I could loose it, but I do spend some time with those emotions in a thoughtful, loving way; hoping to come out the other side with a little bit more of an understanding.

I am afraid that much of my "feeling down" is selfish but as I typed that, I realized I shouldn't say "I am afraid." It just is ... what it is ... and it is OK to be selfish! Christmas time for Gregory and me has always been filled with together activities, with friends, with spreading more joy than we usually did all year. I miss him and I miss doing the holiday thing together.

 From an ornament created by friends Jan Yourist and Jake Bloom

and presented to Gregory and me on the purchase of our first home.

I used to do ALL the Christmas shopping for both of us, even when he was still able to get me just a few things to be able to say he did. I would buy him "wonderful things" and I would buy myself "wonderful things" and neither of us were ever disappointed. The things he bought me were practical but so, so appreciated!

Below is a photograph of one of some of the gifts from one of the last Christmases while he was still at the condo. I think I must have known we were approaching the end of any semblance of normalcy and decided to go overboard:

So the reason for fewer posts is most likely: experiencing while keeping Christmas emotions in check, enjoying the season with family and friends, preparing for my Mexico vacation, working on my memoirs, several Santa appearances, and the cold cold Chicago winter (last night 0° F.)

Photo taken by friend Son Chung

Subject change: I was going through my photo program and came across some photographs of Gregory, taken at at Skokie Hospital, when he had a fall shortly after having moved to the Lieberman Center. The gash on the back of his head, approximately 2" long, was stitched together with many metal staples. The bruise on the front of his forehead was bright red.

I instantly began sobbing at the pain and the confusion he must have felt during that experience. I howled and keened. Gigi, my cat, came running to comfortable me as she usually does when I am upset. I was able to calm down in quick order and found myself wondering why thinking about that event continues to cause me such pain.

It had happened so long ago, Gregory survived it well, I was able to comfort and sooth his fears when I arrived at the hospital, and he certainly is now no longer in pain. These were a few of my thoughts as I was calming. Most logical is that my reaction was one of empathy.

Not the gruesome photo which triggered my emotions. 

This one is a little more pleasant for my readers.

Also, the image is not something I carry around at all times so the photograph appropriately triggered my memories and not only memories of what Gregory went through but what I was going through at that time: G newly at a memory care facility, me at home alone, me having to give up some "care control" to the facility, my working through guilt at having moved him to Lieberman, and others.

Subject change: After this Christmas, I am off to San Pancho, MX for three weeks after a visit with family in TX. San Pancho is 30 minutes north of the Puerto Vallarta airport and is an undiscovered, tiny fishing village with maybe four restaurants, pristine mostly deserted beaches, very little tourism to experience, a completely native experience.

I will stay at friends' B&B called Casita Cielo Azul, Little House of the Blue Sky. Jill and Link have owned it for three or four years and also live in Evanston part of the year. On the front of the property they run a coffee shop and book store. Link runs the store, Jill bakes all the pastries for the shop so I expect to return home with a few extra pounds.

 Angela: My Bedroom

The coffee shop

Part of the time I will use to do nothing, part of the time I will explore and become part of the community, and part of the time I will devote to a writer's retreat to continue working on my memoirs. All of the text is in place, the first seven years edited, and the next five years of my blog posts to be integrated into the whole. On one hand I have been enjoying working on it but on the other hand it is difficult to relieve each experience in what was real time at the time of occurrence.

I really would like my memoirs to get published and experience a certain success if only because in my research, I have found that there is not a lot out there to be of support to same-sex couples who have or are experiencing what Gregory and I experienced. All of the writing out there is about older heterosexual couples supporting each other or children helping parents with Dementia. When Gregory and I began what I have come to refer to as "Our Ordeal," he was 55 and I was 58.

My purpose in creating my memoirs is to let other couples out there know that they are not alone. That they can rise to the occasion and provide the necessary support for their partner. The message is also that Gregory was not a VICTIM of Alzheimer's but rather a HERO and that the diagnosis of Dementia is NOT A DEATH SENTENCE, Gregory and I lived a wonderful (although not always easy,) productive twelve years together. If anything the diagnosis was a gift that allowed us to use each moment together to best advantage.

Well, that is all the chit chat for now. Wishing you and yours a peaceful, loving, joyful NOEL!

Antique, "one piece" Nativity purchased early in my adulthood, fell out of favor and sold to an antique shop, bought back (at a higher price) the next year when I realized it had not fallen that far out of favor, used then by Gregory and me when we joined lives, and used to this day to make sure that Christ stays in the season as well as the food, the fun, the gifts, the wishes of "Happy Holiday!"

Gregory: July 4, 1948 - October 4, 2015

Peaceful the Bear: Support, Comfort, Confidant, Witness

Will always be part of the family now!

To Be or Not To Be

While I have been trying to "live my life" optimistically and with positive energy since November 8th, I continue to feel a heaviness, a pall over my days. I continue to try to remain mindful in my thinking, processing, coping. I have decided to take the stance that I will not participate in knee jerk reactions or in trying to analyze publicly my emotions or academically discuss my perceptions of the "history" in what I think is taking place here. But I also will not resort to "Everything will be OK" in fear of not being as vigilant as I should.

Pulutchik's Psycho-Evolutionaly theory of Emotion

Robert Plutchik was a psychologist who developed a psycho-evolutionary theory of emotion. Learn more about Plutchik's theory, the wheel of emotions, primary emotions, and dyads.

Evolutionary Theory of Emotions

When we think about our emotions, we tend to think of them solely as states of feeling. For example, we may describe happiness as the state of feeling joy or pleasure. Psychologist Robert Plutchik states that there are eight basic emotions: joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, anticipation, anger, and disgust. Plutchik created the wheel of emotions, which illustrates the various relationships among the emotions. 

While Plutchik identifies only eight basic emotions, you can see from the wheel that there are many different degrees, creating a wide spectrum of emotions. Plutchik states that emotions are much more complex than most people realize.

Emotions have a long evolutionary history. They are not only adaptive, but they have evolved over time in order to increase our reproductive fitness. Emotion plays an important role in issues of survival, and it involves both cognition and behavior.

For example, let's say that you were approached by a snake (threatening event). You would conclude that you were in danger (cognition), which would cause you to feel fear (emotion). Your fear activates the fight-or-flight response. As a result, you slowly back away from the snake in an attempt to escape (goal-directed behavior).

Robert Plutchik developed 10 postulates on which his evolutionary theory of emotions is based:

1 Animals and Humans: Animals and humans both experience the same basic emotions in similar ways.

2 Evolutionary History: Emotions appeared as a result of evolution. Emotions were present in animals even before apes evolved.

3 Survival Issues: Emotions have evolved over time in order to increase the chances of survival in the environment. For example, trust results in collaboration and sharing between humans.

4 Prototype Patterns: Although there are several types of emotions that are present in different species, there are prototype patterns, or common elements, that are identifiable.

5 Basic Emotions: A relatively small number of prototype, primary emotions, or basic emotions exist and can be identified.

6 Combinations: All other emotions occur as a result of a mixture, or combination, of the basic emotions. For example, love is a combination of joy (primary emotion) and trust (primary emotion).

7 Hypothetical Constructs: It is recognized that primary emotions are hypothetical constructs or idealized states, which we describe in terms of their particular properties and characteristics. These descriptions can only be inferred based on several kinds of evidence.

8 Opposites: The primary emotions are categorized into pairs of polar opposites.

9 Similarity: All emotions have different degrees of similarity to one another.

10 Intensity: Each emotion can vary in its level of intensity.

Plutchik's Eight Basic Emotions

As we stated earlier, Plutchik's eight basic emotions are joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, anticipation, anger, and disgust. Each primary emotion also has a polar opposite, so that:

• Joy is the opposite of sadness.

• Fear is the opposite of anger.

• Anticipation is the opposite of surprise.

• Disgust is the opposite of trust.

Plutchik created the wheel of emotions in order to illustrate the various relationships among the emotions.

The intensity of emotion decreases as you move outward and increases as you move toward the wheel's center. The intensity of the emotion is indicated by the color. The darker the shade, the more intense the emotion. For example, anger at its least level of intensity is annoyance. At its highest level of intensity, anger becomes rage.

http://study.com/academy/lesson/robert-plutchiks-wheel-of-emotions-lesson-quiz.html

It's Been A While ...

Dear Gregory,

It has been a while since I stopped to think about, process, share my feelings and emotions with you (and with myself for that matter.) For some reason I have been feeling a little depressed, NOT dysfunctional, but grieving your leaving once again. Maybe the "up" feelings of being on the west coast, being in San Francisco and the excitement of the documentary and Pride celebrations; spending time with Pat, the God-Family, and renewing the friendship with Les and Irv; has caused me to be missing you more.

It just seems to be stronger in my thoughts that I am here at the condo alone and that you are dead. I haven't been hysterical or overwhelmed but feel like I could be if I let myself. So I thank my emotions and ask them to come back another day when I feel more up to dealing with them. Scenarios of difficult times float past my memory. While it is understandable, on the way back from taking out the recycling just now I found myself talking outloud in the hall saying, "I would really rather cry over thinking of the joyful times, the happy times, the good times and not be sad about the difficult times."

As Isaac so sagely put it, and it still seems to hold true, "The intensity of our twelve years living with Alzheimer's takes priority over the longevity of our forty-one years together." The fact that I cannot roll over during the night and hold you, that I cannot hold your hand or kiss you, that I can no longer nurture and take care of you, that we cannot share our experiences, travel together, share a meal; these all weigh on me.

I buy flowers for myself pretending they are for you, I buy dark chocolate for myself believing they are for you and in some ways they are. But the physicality is not the same. When I am about to off on an adventure I hear you say, "Can I come along?" So I take the little bronze bear amulet, which contains a little of you, and pop it into my pocket. I wish you a goodnight each bedtime and thank you and my Spirit Guides for a good day. But I miss you!

And each day IS a good day. I can do as much or as little as I choose. I can do what I want, when I want, with myself or with a friend. I can eat whatever I want to each at home or at a restaurant. I can watch TV programs or not according to my whim. I do not need to negotiate with ANYONE on how I want to spend my life. There is nothing in my life that I do not like or that I dread doing. Each day IS a good day, and for that I am grateful.

But you are not here with me and that colors everything. Your absence doesn't change the colors to shades of gray but they are definitely not as bright as they could be. I am working on the "what's next" in my life and that also makes me feel a little lonely. I used to say I felt lonely as you slowly lost the ability to be present for and with me but I did not really know what lonely really felt like until you, however greatly diminished in ability, died. Death is forever, grief is forever ... I did not really understand that until October 4, 2015. For those of us left, life feels like it will go on forever but a little voice in the background whispers, "No, not possible. Get your act together, life is passing."

The Seven Faces of Grief

Grief is a very real thing. I only say this because experiencing it through Gregory's death, has allowed me the time to notice and think about it. It is real. It is a process. It unfolds and realizes itself in its own way, not really under the control of the person grieving. It never resolves although it does become easier.

It not only has emotional but also very real physical and bodily function effects. Not only does Grief make you feel sad but it also affects your energy, your appetite (in how you enjoy or digest your meals,)  your gut (in nervous stomach and toileting,) and whether or how well you sleep.

Grief seems to have a mind of its own in when and how it visits. A blooming flower, a song on the radio, an item in the grocery store can all be triggers to grief expressing itself. Sometimes Grief visits you at the level of a "suggestion or hint," sometimes in a wave that quickly disappears, sometimes in a torrent that seems like it will never end its flooding.

Lately I have learned to sit with Grief and accept the lessons it can teach me. It is painful to closely look at or accept Grief but pushing it away only makes it worse. So I allow myself times to grieve, but not for long periods of time!

At other times I thank Grief on its arrival but tell it that I do not want a visit right now. Usually, Grief will respect the timing and my request and will leave me alone for the time being. I remember to invite it back at a later date and welcome it then. Trying to forget or suppressing Grief only makes it worse when it finally does break through your defenses.

As I began sitting with and taking a closer look at Grief when it visited, I noticed that there seems to be at least seven types of Grief that one encounters: 1) Grief with the permanence of loss, 2) Grief in missing the past, 3) Grief on not being able to remember the past, 4) Grief over missed opportunities, 5) Grief and fear for self in the present, 6) Grief and fear for self in the future, and finally 7) Grief with the Mystery of Death itself.

1️⃣ PERMANENCE OF LOSS: Missing Gregory is big. We will never again hold each other, or kiss, or enjoy an experience together. I will only hear his laughter in my memory. I will only appreciate his creativity and talents in photos of things he accomplished and not as he executes them.

He is no longer an interactive, physical part of my life. I miss holding his hand. I miss our talks and our love making. I miss hearing him play his grand piano. I miss having someone to lean on when sad and with whom to make decisions. I cry over the "never agains!"

2️⃣ PAST MEMORIES: Memories of times past remind me that he is gone. Often instead of fond memories making me feel better, they make me sad. They bring on tears at best and sobbing and keening at worst. I am told this gets better over time, and it seems to be doing so, but still the overwhelming grief continues to visit at unexpected times.

3️⃣ MEMORIES LOST: Time goes so quickly. It has been 41+ years since I first met Gregory and while I still have memories of much of our time together, there are so many that no longer hold office in my mind.

This is the nature of growing older and in having had a long term love relationship but now that Gregory is dead, the grief seems to allow me to spend more time realizing all the memories that no longer are clear, if they even still exist, and without the hope of inquiring to amplify them or find out the truth.

4️⃣ MISSED OPPORTUNITIES: The mind begins to wonder about things I could or should have done more of, done better, or done in the first place. I am sad about the times I neglected to tell him how much I loved him and how important he was to me or the times we argued or when I was mean to him. I feel so bad that I wasn't as good to him as I could have been as we worked through many of the Dementia/ Alzheimer's bumps, pot holes, and turns in the road.

I realize that now that I know "how it all ends," it is easier to criticize my actions of the past but in reality when you are in the throws of day to day dealing with life, let alone Dementia/ Alzheimer's, your behaviors are the best ones you can muster at the time. I also need to take the time to remember all the things I did well, the ability to apologize immediately when I acted poorly, and Gregory's compassionate loving acceptance of me no matter what.

5️⃣ PRESENT: Grief also finds its way in as I try to rediscover how to spend my days without having Gregory here to share my life (like in the earlier days before Dementia/ Alzheimer's) or having Gregory to care for and to be the center of my life (while he continued to loose language, cognitive, physical and other abilities,) and finally when he moved into the memory care facility (now with a great support team but my still spending a lot of time involved.)

At times it still is difficult to fill my days after having shopped, put groceries away, cleaned the condo, made dinner, watched a few TV shows, read for a while ... only finding it is just 7:00 and I am ready to end my day. But who wants to or is able to go to sleep so early? Also, doing all these things by oneself when used to having a partner with which to do them is lonely.

6️⃣ FUTURE: Grief arrives when I realize I am 70 years old. Feel young but none-the-less am getting older. What will it be like to grow older alone? How brave will I be to travel the world by myself? What will my life be like as I slow down? Who will take care of me when I need help? What will become of me if I can no longer make good decisions for myself. I have trusted my "next in line" trustees for my protection, I love them dearly, in fact I trust them with my life (literally!) but still Fear of the Future is real.

A lot more fear could creep in, especially seeing what Gregory went through for so long, but I try to keep optimistic, and positive; and I am able to keep the worries at bay. I remember that with Gregory's illness, so many fears that I had never materialized so I needn't have worried. I also realized that spending energy on "working at not worrying" is as bad as the worrying itself. Big waste of time and energy for both!

7️⃣ MYSTERY OF DEATH: The last, but not necessarily the least important, is the grief of wondering what Death is all about. Of course Death is all around us but when it comes so close, courtesy of one you love so dearly, the mystery magnifies. In many ways I cannot really picture myself dead, and that is part of the Mystery.

I believe there is something after and that gives me a little consolation. But where is Gregory? What is his time like now? Can he see me or hear me? What makes up  a life when it seems to end to easily? Where do all those skills, abilities, and talents go when all is said and done? What is the bigger picture of Life and Death?

Gregory and I had opposing views of the process of death. I used to think that as I was dying and my soul/spirit was leaving my body I would look back and say, "Ah, now I understand!" Gregory's view was that he would look back and say, "Ah, more questions!"

• • •

As I am writing my views about Grief, I am celebrating the fifth month anniversary, almost to the day, of Gregory's passing. I am less bereft, cry less, feel less depressed. I am better able to spend my time, better able to be alone, better able to speak to and learn from my emotions and my Grief, better able to brave the future, better able to slowly let joy back into my life.

I have worked at reinventing a physical relationship with Gregory; not bodily, but through talking to him, imagining his replies, setting up a shrine with his photograph and items he cared for, revisiting photographs of past vacations and adventures, imagine I am enjoying things for both of us when I visit the the Botanic Garden or go to the Opera.

I have created ways to make my life meaningful, to be of service to others, to give back. I have made financial contributions, supported others in need, helps establish the More Than Ever Education Fund in Gregory's and my name, continue my blog writing with many followers, promote the documentary "Alzheimer's: A Love Story," and still hope to publish my memoirs with the hope that many of Gregory's and my lessons will help others know they are not alone on the path of Dementia/ Alzheimer's. 

The hole which was torn in my chest by Gregory's Dementia/ Alzheimer's and by his death is still there. It is the sacred place where we can still be together. When he died, I felt like his soul/spirit began to that hole so we could heal together. It has been working. The pain of Grief never goes away but it does get easier.

The Intensity of 12 Years vs the Longevity of 41!

The other day I was feeling blue again. This is the nature of grief. It comes and goes, comes and goes. And when you think it has calmed down, it once again tantrums!

A new skill I have been working on is to be able to allow my emotions while at the same time asking them if they are valid. Instead of just feeling down I ask myself, "Is what I am thinking, is what I am feeling real? Is the nature of this memory true?"

The other day a bevy of erroneous thoughts were the cause of my grief. I knew they were not the truth but they were affecting me anyway. They ran, kicking and screaming, past my mind in single file, one at a time.

Was I as good to Gregory as I could be? Did I make the right decisions on his behalf? Did I go out of my way enough to be there for him. Did I spend enough time with him? Did I make sure I communicated my love to him in ways he could understand? Did I tell him often enough how much I love him?

And the thoughts got worse! Did I spend enough time with him as he was dying? Did I sit with his body long enough when he was dead? Was he really dead or is it possible he was just more deeply in a coma? Should I have kept all night vigils with him? Did I let him know strongly enough how much I would miss him and how I wanted him to stay with me?

I knew that these thoughts, these memories, these emotions were not the truth. I did not want to allow them to get me down. So I started trying to think about better times. About my great love for this man. Of the good things I did for him and he for me. But I realized that my thoughts were still of him fairly advanced with Dementia/ Alzheimer's. They were still memories of me alone, as caregiver, Gregory at Lieberman Center and greatly diminished.

So I tried to think of earlier times and earlier joy and love. And I couldn't. I pictured some events during better times but the emotions of those events did not help me feel better. Did not lighten the depth of despair or grief I was feeling. I realized that I was having trouble recalling or recreating those earlier times in Gregory and my life when we were young or even those times before the diagnosis of Alzheimer's when we were so much in love, happy, healthy.

This next set of untrue emotions replaced the earlier erroneous feelings of not being there, not doing enough, not communicating etc with new and just as painful emotions. I cried, I felt depressed, I felt alone and lonely. Where had those 41 years gone and why couldn't I use them to help me feel better. I just couldn't picture or feel or remember clearly the earlier, happier days of our relationship.

I shared all of this with Isaac, my God Son, over dinner last night. I knew the lack of truth in all of my processing but didn't know how to turn it around. Talking about it with him felt good, he is a good listener, he didn't try to tell me I was wrong or "buckle up!" He thought for a moment and asked if he could share a thought he had on the situation. "Of course I replied." This is what he explained:

"The difficulties of Gregory and your life over the last intense 12 years of living with Dementia/ Alzheimers, as well as Gregory's death, is still what you are dealing with. There is so much love and joy in the 41 years you and he have been together but right now those years are overshadowed by the 12 difficult years. It only makes sense that you need to spend more energy dealing with, grieving, those 12 years before you can get back to enjoying the memories of those 41 years."

We summed it up with this sound bite: The intensity of 12 years vs the longevity of 41! Just having this insight, as shared by Isaac, made me feel much better, able to put my grief aside for now, and to feel normal. Like I am going through the normal process of grieving. That it will get better!

The more you love someone, the more you grieve. The more you love someone, the harder it is to let go even though you know that because of that love, you must let go. Yes, the intensity of the 12 years Gregory and I walked the path of Dementia/ Alzheimer's is strong, but the 41 years of our love is stronger and will prevail!

Last night at bedtime I was feeling very sad and missing Gregory. The tears automatically started rolling, I gave into the emotions, and started howling (keening.) 

Gigi, is the kitty that Gregory picked out while mine is Emma.) Gigi has turned into my best friend while Emma just likes to get pet! Gigi is the thoughtful, taller, leaner one (just like Gregory) while Emma is the more impulsive, shorter, fatter one (just like me!)

Gigi came over to where I was sitting on the side of the bed and rubbed my leg with a "meow." She hopped up onto the bed, stood up onto my chest, and began licking my ear.

I really believe that she came over to console me and it worked. I hugged her and felt better. Gigi and I talked about life for a while, I went into the bathroom to wash my face with a hot cloth, and then I turned in for a good night sleep.

I continue to experience the "clock miracles" but will not necessarily write about them individually. Last night Gregory was really in high gear: I went to sleep at 10:10, woke at 11:11, again at 1:23, then 3:57, at 5:55, and finally at 9:10. A lot of lovely "winks and nods."

Gigi in the den watching TV

On Writing, On Life

Interesting that it more difficult to write about interesting, fun, timely things here than it is to write about emotional, difficult, worrisome things on my Alzheimer's BLOG. Guilt plays a role in making me come here when the last post date gets too far for comfort.

"Write everyday if you want to consider yourself a writer." Sit down and write about whatever comes into your head. Use writing motivations to help you get started. Write non-stop for ten minutes about whatever you are thinking about. But that doesn't always work.

For me, writing is a way of processing my life. Understanding it. Sitting with the difficult emotions that arise and seeing what they are telling me. Laughing over the amusing funny things that happen. Wondering about what I see and perceive around me. Thinking about and planing creative ventures and projects.

I was worried about getting through the holiday season this year since it was going to be the first Christmas and New Year's that Gregory and I did not celebrate together in forty years. But then I got to thinking about what a good (relatively) place we are in today compared to the hell our life was last year BL (Before-Lieberman.)

Also, I was able to celebrate with Gregory, just in a different way. I had my meals with him in the Lieberman dining room, we opened gifts, we had a Christmas tree in his room, we watched our usual holiday videos.

So now we are in a new year, a time of resolutions, a time of plans, a time to move forward. But can I do that when in many ways I feel like I am still "on hold" with Gregory as he continues to change and decline.

I visit almost every day for an hour or two and that cheers me up. I am in the process of signing up for Hospice for him which feels empowering to be able to control that part of the future which I am able.

But when I am home I am lonely, miss him so much, and feel lethargic finding  it is easier to not face my creativity, my projects, my day to day life maintenance. Gregory is still a very large part of my life and my focus. I am happy that he is still with me and that he is content, happy, safe, well taken care of.

So you can imagine that most of my writing is directed towards my Alzheimer's BLOG.
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com .

But what about me? Maybe another year will help me feel more my new self and help me get on with life. Maybe another year will help me realize those many projects I have created for myself. Maybe I'll get back into being a Supernumerary for the opera, Ringmaster for Michael's Flea Circus, Curator of a second museum The Small, Writer, Poet, Public Speaker? Maybe I will slowly get used to my life without the old Gregory, the old relationship, the old times together.

Or maybe I'll just continue to post more often on the Alzheimer's BLOG for now and see how life unfolds for me without too much pressure, too much fear, too much regret, too much frustration, too much anger. Maybe LIFE will sneak up and before I notice, I will be the new me?