It's Been A While ...

Dear Gregory,

It has been a while since I stopped to think about, process, share my feelings and emotions with you (and with myself for that matter.) For some reason I have been feeling a little depressed, NOT dysfunctional, but grieving your leaving once again. Maybe the "up" feelings of being on the west coast, being in San Francisco and the excitement of the documentary and Pride celebrations; spending time with Pat, the God-Family, and renewing the friendship with Les and Irv; has caused me to be missing you more.

It just seems to be stronger in my thoughts that I am here at the condo alone and that you are dead. I haven't been hysterical or overwhelmed but feel like I could be if I let myself. So I thank my emotions and ask them to come back another day when I feel more up to dealing with them. Scenarios of difficult times float past my memory. While it is understandable, on the way back from taking out the recycling just now I found myself talking outloud in the hall saying, "I would really rather cry over thinking of the joyful times, the happy times, the good times and not be sad about the difficult times."

As Isaac so sagely put it, and it still seems to hold true, "The intensity of our twelve years living with Alzheimer's takes priority over the longevity of our forty-one years together." The fact that I cannot roll over during the night and hold you, that I cannot hold your hand or kiss you, that I can no longer nurture and take care of you, that we cannot share our experiences, travel together, share a meal; these all weigh on me.

I buy flowers for myself pretending they are for you, I buy dark chocolate for myself believing they are for you and in some ways they are. But the physicality is not the same. When I am about to off on an adventure I hear you say, "Can I come along?" So I take the little bronze bear amulet, which contains a little of you, and pop it into my pocket. I wish you a goodnight each bedtime and thank you and my Spirit Guides for a good day. But I miss you!

And each day IS a good day. I can do as much or as little as I choose. I can do what I want, when I want, with myself or with a friend. I can eat whatever I want to each at home or at a restaurant. I can watch TV programs or not according to my whim. I do not need to negotiate with ANYONE on how I want to spend my life. There is nothing in my life that I do not like or that I dread doing. Each day IS a good day, and for that I am grateful.

But you are not here with me and that colors everything. Your absence doesn't change the colors to shades of gray but they are definitely not as bright as they could be. I am working on the "what's next" in my life and that also makes me feel a little lonely. I used to say I felt lonely as you slowly lost the ability to be present for and with me but I did not really know what lonely really felt like until you, however greatly diminished in ability, died. Death is forever, grief is forever ... I did not really understand that until October 4, 2015. For those of us left, life feels like it will go on forever but a little voice in the background whispers, "No, not possible. Get your act together, life is passing."