Dirty Dancing Revisited

 I have been watching the recent television remake of Dirty Dancing. Watching the original (1987) for the first time was amazing because it was a reflection of many of my experiences as a nine to fifteen-year-old who vacationed with my family in a very similar resort in Wisconsin called the Nippersink Mannor Resort. Watching the 2017 remake was just at moving for me.

During our stays, while I didn't really understand myself, I felt the energy of the performers and dancers, of the young beautiful male waiters, of the confident young people who worked there. Although I was not yet aware of being Gay, the atmosphere drilled down to my very core and I loved being there. It spoke to me in a language that I didn't yet know how to speak and which was mysterious and exciting.

I danced with the female dance instructor and she said I was very good. I participated in a brief routine with the comedian husband and wife team. One summer my mom and dad and I left after our stay and my sister stayed on to work as a daycare helper so she became part of the "employees only" scene. I envied her.

So you can see why watching Dirty Dancing helped me to revisit those times. Suddenly, as I was watching, I found myself crying and stopped to think about why. It was because of the characters developing into full people, of the growing up, the becoming independent of one's parents, of the sexuality in the music and the dancing and discovering the sexuality in oneself, and the love relationship as it developed between Baby and Johnny. It was because of the loss of innocence and the sometimes tragic consequences of sexual relations.

I realized that while I continue to grow and become more than I am at this moment, the type of changes that take place earlier in life, never to be revisited and although painful at times, are no longer available to me. I miss the ability to grow and arrive on a much fuller side of who I am or even who I imagined I could be. A monumental feeling came with that type of change and growth.

I realized that I miss my lifelong dance partner, the person whom I loved more than anyone in life (and now in his death) and the changes and growth we experienced together. I miss the lack of a future of experience and growth with my honey. I miss the feeling of companionship, partnership, collegiality, and sex partner all rolled into one, which was Gregory.

Well, so much for an intermission. Time to make some popcorn and go back to the movie!

From my early days:

Evolving Gay

Please to have been accepted by Windy City Times, Chicago's premier LGBTQ newspaper, as a guest columnist. Below is a link to my first article:

http://www.windycitymediagroup.com/lgbt/GUEST-COLUMN-Evolving-as-Gay/56085.html

Interesting

This evening, on my way back to the condo from the gym (two floors below in my building,) I was feeling healthy and vital. It felt good to be a little sore from my workout with my personal trainer. I was thinking about weighing myself this morning and confirming that I am continuing to loose weight.

These feelings came by way of an overall mind vision of my body in relation to who I am and the choices I have made to keep in shape as I approach my 70th year of life. It came as a total picture, maybe a second or two in duration, and now I am trying to translate it into words.

I felt ... well I felt ... like I was in my early 20's. What is interesting about this is that for most of adult life I have felt like a 9 year old. I attribute my success as an elementary school teacher of grades 4-6 to being able to identify with my fellow 9 year olds! I continued to (and still do) love toys, circuses, and "playing" in general. I continued to be amazed at life and the magic it holds.

When I would go through a "down" time, I would look back at my "ways" as immature and naive and promise myself that while I would not loose my "little boy," I would try to become better at being an adult.

When Gregory was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 2003, life got very difficult for both of us, especially me being the one now "in charge" of both of our lives. At one point I realized that I felt like I had grown up a little and now felt like a teenager, no longer a nine year old.

I hadn't thought much more about this "growing up" phenomenon until today and here I am having arrived at feeling like I am in my early 20's. Interesting again, as I am still 50 or so years behind my chronological age! I sincerely hope I never catch up!

Shakespeare and Company

I have wonderful memories of the Shakespeare and Company bookstore in Paris. Besides the ambience of the downstairs book store, the upstairs was amazing. One had to climb a narrow staircase fitted between sagging shelves loaded with books. You could almost miss the stair and felt like you were taking a risk to ascend it.

There was a single bed at the top of the stairs covered with a tucked in red wool blanket. A large purring cat was nestled in the center of the well used mattress. On the wall over the bed was a bulletin board where thousands of notes written on scraps of paper were tacked into overlapping layers ... thank yous to the shop from grateful visitors who were in one way or another helped by or impressed with the amazing book store. 

In the next room, besides the book lined, sagging shelves, was a young woman fast asleep on another twin bed with her backpack as a pillow. You could sense how newly arrived in Paris she was and how secure she felt in that safe place. A glass milk bottle was keeping refrigerated outside the window on a ledge between two buildings. 

In yet another room was a freezer chest sized cardboard box set on its side with a desk, chair, and typewriter in place inside. Someone was actually sitting in the box typing something. The rest of that room was filled with people involved in various tasks seated on overstuffed chairs and sofas, feet on coffee tables, coffee mugs on lamped side tables. 

It was based on that magical experience that Gregory and I realized how much we had missed by not running away from home in our youth to discover who we were or might have become in the Paris setting.