LOVE and MARRIAGE
On the occasion of their wedding, Friday, October 5, 2018.
By Michael Horvich
From my heart, some thoughts as you are about to agree to marry …
You will continue to be separate individuals but will be living in a world of togetherness. You must continue to grow as individuals but now you will also have the opportunity to grow as a couple.
Some growth will be person specific, sometimes one of you a little ahead of the other and sometimes a little behind but never too far from each other. Different friends, different likes and dislikes, different activities, apart time. The growth will take you in separate directions and this is good.
Some growth will be couple specific, continuing on a parallel track and in the same direction, hand in hand, and this too is good. Friends, likes, dislikes, activities, together time; things that you both enjoy.
For a union to be successful, I strongly believe that both types of growth must take place.
Here is a little more advice which I believe will help you as you both grow on both paths.
“Self” is made up of everything you have ever thought, been told, said, seen. It is made up of everything you have ever witnessed, experienced, & more. Therefore, “Self” does not have an individual identity. Your “Self” is not just your personal beliefs. It is the total of and a reflection of every person and experience you know and have known. This has been true from the day you were born and will go on until the day you die. This began when you were a babe in arms, continued as a child, and a teen, and a young adult. This took place before you even realized that you had the power to accept or reject what people what you saw or what you heard.
To become a fully actualized person, you must now realize and accept that you do have the power to change your “Self.” To do so, one must “triage" their belief system. Mindfully rethink your beliefs as they come up, keep the ones with which you agree. Toss the ones with which you disagree. Rethink those of which you are not sure.
Now that you are agreeing to marry, not only the “Self” but also “Love” is moderated, by those very same things and conditions. Sometimes those moderations are helpful. Sometimes they are not. To have a fully actualized marriage, you must now realize and accept that you have the power to make changes in your beliefs. As a couple, you will need to jointly “triage” your “what is a “Marriage Belief Systems” as well. In this way, they will be more closely in synchronization.
This is sometimes an easy process and sometimes a painful one. Saying goodbye to old beliefs is always a little difficult. Saying hello to new beliefs always a little frightening. But more frightening and risk-taking is NOT making changes.
In addition, to be successful, Gregory and I learned that COMMUNICATION and RESPECT are the key factors in our relationship. The willingness to not only LISTEN but also to HEAR each other figures in as well. We were able to NEGOTIATE and RENEGOTIATE our relationship, our RESPONSIBILITIES to each other, and our day to day housekeeping DUTIES as we grew and changed and our needs and lives changed. Sometimes Gregory needed to lead and other times it was my job to lead. Sometimes “roles were subject to change on a moment’s notice!” Also, we NEVER went to bed angry and NEVER walked out on each other until an argument/disagreement was settled or at least we mutually agreed to put the argument on hold.
I believe that you two will have a wonderful (although sometimes it will be rocky) future ahead of you. You have already experienced some of that rockiness so it will not come as a surprise. If anything because of it, you will be able to approach new difficulties with greater strength, greater resolve, and therefore greater LOVE.
Congratulations on choosing change!