Ghost of Christmas Past

Christmas without Gregory is difficult although most of the time I am able to hold on to the joy we shared for so many (41) years and which I continue to share with his memory and his spirit. Sometimes I just need to sit with my emotions and miss him. 

In the shrine on the shelf with his remains, I keep a picture of him, his favorite Grandma Carrie in whose sewing box he rests, an always-on candle, some of his favorite dark chocolates, and a plant or flowers. For the season I have added a Christmas tree, a gingerbread boy and snowman cookie for each of us, his favorite Walker's Short Bread, and my newer collection of hearts.

The building model is a souvenir from the inn where we stayed in Stowe, Vermont when we had our civil union ceremony. Vermont was the first state to support same-sex unions. It was before the current level of acceptance and only served to protect us if we were residents of Vermont. For us it was more political and romantic! On the day we were united, a rainbow shown in the sky as we drove to the Justice of the Peace.

The Lyrics for Ghost of Christmas Past a song by Elizabeth Chan are playing in the background as I write this. The song makes me sad but in a way that I can handle. Great love brings great grief and great memories, great joy and great sorrow, great loneliness and periodically not just a few tears.

Snow is falling down

Covering the ground

Like a brand new page

For me to tell a story

About another time

Not so long ago 

I thought that I had nothing

When I had it all

When I was worried about what was under the tree

And left me blind to see the gifts in front of me

The years go by so fast

I thought that it would last

But now I'm dancing with the ghost of Christmas past

Tears are falling now

All alone to see

Sad upon a notion

Waves of memory

I wish upon a star

That sits on top my tree

To bring you back again to me

And all I ever want for Christmas is you

What I really want is for you to be here

Cause ohhhh

Silent night lonely night

Years go by so fast

I thought that it would last

But now I'm dancing with the ghost of Christmas past