Separation

There is a separation that takes place. The grief if still there but it is not at the forefront! You begin to realize YOU are YOU, and HE is HE and, WE are We even though WE now exists only in memories.

WE is what has changed. You grieve the WE, you miss the WE. You want to hug, kiss, hold, talk to, touch the WE; but that is no longer possible in a physical way.

So you invent ways to keep in touch. You set up an alter or shrine to him as a place where you can direct your conversations or you talk to him in your mind. You make decisions based on the way you used to make decisions together. You feel him with you in spiritual ways. You try to see the world through his eyes as well as through your own.

The world seems to be more magical because of this separation. Slowly you begin to question his death less, you appreciate your life more, you begin to appreciate the here and now, you do not wonder why Gregory and you had to walk the path of Dementia/ Alzheimers, you just did it because the path was presented and you BOTH loved each other so very much.

Gregory did not suffer from Dementia/ Alzheimer's, he lived well and we were able to compensate for the losses as they occurred. Most of the time he (we) did NOT suffer but rather lived and loved joyfully to our fullest.

The pain, the sorrow, and yes the suffering which was present at times, no longer exist now and in many ways, the separation of the WE into the ME and HE, makes the pain of his death more tolerable when compared to our being in the middle of the Dementia/ Alzheimer's path, with no idea what direction it might take or where and when it might end.

Slowly you let the memories return, you allow yourself to go through the photographs of your times together in the past and you can be joyful at the times you had, not sad at what no longer is possible. The difficulties, shackles, pain, confusion, frustration, fear, anger, and general craziness of dealing with Dementia/ Alzheimer's has disappeared, and that feels good. Gregory has physically also disappeared and at times that does not feel good.

You are happy and living life to its fullest, day at a time. Keeping happy, busy, productive. Taking care of yourself, your body, your mind. You love the condo, your new car, just about every thing about the way you live your life. You feel good about family and friends. You feel good about being kind and compassionate and giving to others when you can.

I assume he is happy, wherever he may be, no¡ longer dealing with the tribulations of Dementia/ Alzheimer's. Perhaps in a dimension that allows him to further develop his enlightenment, learn lessons still waiting, keep tabs on you, watch over you, protect you when possible. He no longer has wants, needs, desires, oughts, shoulds; or at least it would seem so.

It is the WE that suffers. I love the ME in the condo. I miss the WE in the condo. I love the ME who attends the opera. I miss the WE that used to attend the opera together. I look forward to travel. I am sad that it will not be WE that are traveling. I find that when I am feeling sad, I have begun to be able to separate the ME from the HE and I do not always need the WE to feel good.

I am able to separate the situation into ME, HE, and WE. For example, for the first time ever I saw Nabucco at the Lyric Opera. I enjoyed Verde's music, the beautiful set and costumes, the glorious voices, the story line. In some way I felt that Gregory, possibly through me, was able to enjoy those things as well and perhaps they pale when compared to the beauty of his present existence.

In this separation, I do not allow or even need to succumb to sadness that WE are not experiencing this together. Not having the WE, should not diminish or take away from my life even though I have to do it with Gregory only being there in Spirit.