Sunday, October 16, 2016

A Dream of Moving On

Together, Gregory and I had been working the land, somewhere in what felt like Japan.

We anticipated buying the property and the owner and Gregory were measuring the square footage using a primitive method which included dragging a rock on a string around the perimeter of the property from corner to corner after having marked the corners with a primitive rocking device.

As we walked the perimeter, I periodically was able to see that now and then there were underground caves or dwellings. I could not really make out what their purpose was or exactly what they looked like from the inside.

The cost to purchase the land was already in the owner's mind based on his love for us but the measuring was a ceremony that needed to be completed. Ten thousand dollars is what he told us. We could easily afford the price.

For some reason Gregory went silent and retreated to an underground cave on the property. He decided that we could not go forward with the purchase but would not explain his reasoning.

Next we are in a truck traveling away to someplace. I do not know where we were going but that we were leaving the property purchase opportunity.

Somehow, Gregory is on the outside of the truck controlling it as we drive down a steep road. I suggest that I could help from the inside and do so taking over the steering.

The steep road has caused  the speed of the truck to pick up dangerously. I steer as the truck careens down the road narrowly missing other vehicles.

Finally I am able to break and get the truck back under control. Gregory is furious with me. I realize that I could have put the truck in low gear to help it better descend but had forgotten to do so and therefore the near miss.

I wake up with tears in my eyes. Working with Gregory so closely (even though he was angry with me) had felt so beautiful that waking up back in my real world saddened me.

My body ached from the work I had just done while sleeping and I lie with tears in my eyes.

My pain and tears continue as I lie awake. I come to this realization. I am "suffering" because of desire something I cannot have (to be with Gregory again) and about which I can do nothing. So I sit with my suffering recognizing that  the reality is that I miss him, am sad, and am suffering.

And it is OK to sit with the emotions. (Thank you Buddhism for allowing me to able to do this.)

Then I get the feeling that Gregory needs to move on with his own work in death, as I do in life, and I am keeping him back. I do not want to let go but realize I must.

We can no longer work together but must go our separate ways. I call out, "I cannot let you go."

And he answers (if only in my mind,) "But I will always be nearby if you need me!"


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