Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ragdale Revisited: Wondering

From: 12/26/10

As I approach my residency at Ragdale, I am wondering. NOT worrying but wondering. Not fearing but wondering. Actually this is part of who I have become. In the past I probably would have worried and feared as well as wondered. On a scale of 1-10, worry would have been at a 6 or 7 and fear would have been at a 7, 8, or 9. Currently, wondering is at a 3 or 4, so all is good.

I am wondering about leaving Gregory for two weeks. We have been so "near" each other for the last five or six years since his diagnosis of Early Onset Alzheimer's that I cannot say that I really know what he can do and what he cannot do. How well will he function without me being available to him as necessary. People will be staying with him, will be available, but still I wonder because it will not be me!

I am wondering how I will spend my days. 24 hours without obligation to anyone but myself. Without needing to think about housekeeping, errands, shopping, cooking. Will the time go slowly. Will it go quickly by? Time to write, to think, to talk with the other residents. Will I be productive? Will I be bored? Will I be lonely? Will I be able to fill my time or deal with the emptiness of it. I wonder.

I wondering about living communally will be like. Will I be comfortable in my space? Will I miss my privacy? Will I make quick connections? Will I feel like I have to be "on" as though I was at a cocktail party with people I do not know?  What social skills will I need to be aware of? How much can I just be me? What will the meals be like? Will I be physically comfortable? I wonder?

I am wondering about how my writing will progress. I have many stories that need completing, some that are in idea/note form, and many finished pieces that will need organization. Will I feel good about the process. Will I like how the progress feels? Will I meet my own expectations for the experience?

I am wondering about how it will feel to share my work with others. Up until now it has been friends and family, people I know who have ready my work. How will it feel to hear what strangers say about my work? Will I be comfortably open to constructive criticism? 


Recognition vs Validation vs Actualization (Realization?)

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