When he was at Lieberman, I would go to the garden and cry feeling sad that I could no longer bring him there with me. When he passed, I left a little bit of Gregory Dust at the garden by the base of the waterfalls. Today I would swear that I could see some of him on the bottom of the drained for the winter shallows of the falls.
In the car this tape played, unasked, in my head as the tears fell:
While Gregory was maybe halfway into his Dementia/ Alzheimer's he was still able to stay home by himself, go out for a walk, or take a nap while I was gone. I could get out for a much needed break to run errands or shop by myself while he entertained himself alone at home.
I would say something like, "I'm going shopping, do you want anything special from the grocery store?" He would YEA or NEA and remind me to drive safely.
As his skills became less and as he had less with which to fill his days he would ask me where I was going as I prepared to leave my errands. I would say "Off to get some groceries," or "Off to the mall to buy some underwear," or "I have to pick up a prescription at the drug store."
He would, like my little 9 year old, ask, "Can I go with you?"
Even thought I needed to get away on my own I would always reply, "Of course you can come. I always love when you go on errands with me. I'll help you get dressed." The two of us would take off, have a nice afternoon, and both of us would feel good at having been together.
For the most part, I was always good to him. For the most, I part always let him know how much I loved him, how much I appreciated him, how much I needed him. For the most part, we always enjoyed being together.
Now that he is gone, he is always with me, but I still hear his voice asking, "Can I go with you?"
And I always reply, "Of course you can come. I always love when you go on errands with me."
And I cry and miss him so much but it makes me feel a touch better knowing I can always take him with me without much effort and without his even having to ask!