Periodically I find myself revisiting the last months, weeks, days of Gregory's life. I find myself thinking about who he was at that point in the advancement of his Dementia/ Alzheimer's and even earlier during the 12 years we began to know with what we would be dealing.
I find myself wondering how much of Gregory was no longer the Gregory I knew but rather the diminished person he slowly became. This helps me process how our relationship changed, helps me feel less guilty even though I did so much so creatively for him, and helps me grieve. It confirms that he was fairly happy, content, felt safe, and enjoyed his new narrow environment and life.
The following "look" popped up on Facebook as a memory from one year ago so I thought it appropriate to post it again here. The entry is posted June 1, 2015. Gregory died four months later on October 4, 2015. The truth is that his Dementia/ Alzheimer's was very advanced but through it all, I persevered, he persevered, and our love triumphed!
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2015/06/between-rock-and-hardplace.html
I wonder if we might equally consider how much of Gregory was still the Gregory you knew and how much that may have been amplified in the person he had become?
ReplyDeleteI read the post with interest. Regardless of what the docs and the physiology say, I believe the essence of the person remains and that, while overall physiological decline in brain functioning continues, somehow bits and pieces of new capacity and connections are created that help compensate in small ways for what is lost.
That's my personal theory and I'm stickin' to it ;)
I believe that my post and your personal theory are not that far from each other. In my view, simply stated, the spiritual essence of Gregory was always there and could be seen even though the "normal" expression of it was not always available to him. And the bits and pieces of new capacity certainly showed themselves clearly as he and I developed new routines and new ways of communicating our love. However, I believe it was not so much "the person he had become" but the loss of ability to express that person, and the compensation that took place to allow him to continue to exist and express himself the best he could. Also, I believe that periodically, unexpectedly the brain is able to re-fire an old connection, which rises to the surface, and IS like it used to be if only for a second or a moment. The spirit rules but the brain controls.
ReplyDelete