This question, again, was asked of me recently. Good naturedly, with
love, and with sincere caring ... but always unexpected. It caused me, in my
explanation, to once again have to articulate my feelings and I decided to
share them with you here, even though somewhat personal. How is that for a set
up?
The question usually runs like this: Have you started dating yet?
Are you going to be dating? Are you looking for a partner? And with lower
implications: Are you going to get a roommate?
The answer runs like this. "While I do not rule out all
possibilities, NO, NO, NO and NO!"
With a smile but emphatically. The question always takes me by
surprise, if only because it is the last thing I want, desire, or even think
about (unless asked.)
I have had the LOVE OF MY LIFE. Gregory, who died approximately 18
months ago, is still a large part of my life, especially after 41 years. Why would
I want another partner? life mate? lover? roommate? Just because I am a widow
(prefer that word to widower :-) Why
would people automatically think I am on the lookout for the next relationship or a roommate?
Relationships take a lot of work. I often referred to Gregory and
my "union" as one based on "The 49/51% Controlling
Interest Principal." The give and takes, negotiations,
conversations, and arguments that are involved in any relationship are
difficult. The ones that are part of a love relationship can at times seem
close to impossible.
While the 41 years of our relationship were not always pieces of
cake (I especially love Devil's Food with
Vanilla Buttercream Frosting,) being on the side of being in a relationship
(51%) always won out when compared to spending a life without one (49%.)
But often the race is a close one and the work involved in
maintaining a successful relationship is ongoing and not always easy. Roles
should be subject to change on a moment's notice, (another quote Gregory and I often used,) respect (including
self-respect) is a key factor, compassion is always the rule, and giving up
part of oneself is a necessity ― in any successful love relationship.
For Gregory and me, having stepped outside of societal norms by
declaring and accepting our homosexuality, we often times had to set out our
own norms, expectations, and milestones along with the accompanying millstones.
(Poetic isn't that expression
"Milestones and Millstones?"
Up front let me state, YES, I am a gay man and
therefore find other men sexually desirable. Like most Gay Men, I guess I am
always checking out those around me and would not turn down a sexual advance if
the occasion arose. But just because I am a widow does NOT mean
I am looking for a new relationship!
I enjoy my solitude. I love having the condo to myself ... to keep
clean or to mess up as I choose. The cats, Emma and Gigi, greeting me when I
arrive home, their mad chasing each other at least three times a day, and their
warm purring when snuggling in at night will NEVER replace my
Gregory, but they provide more than enough "human contact" and a fair
amount of responsibility.
My friends and family fill my time comfortably and are there when
I need extra support, for example picking up a few groceries for me if I am
ill. They are there to help meet my "nurturing quotient" as I support
them. Calls and e-mails are exchanged, meals in and meals out are shared,
events are jointly attended, movies and theater are shared. More than enough comfort for me.
I am never lonely, except when my emotions choose to visit,
unexpectedly, with their life lessons and my grief for Gregory's having died
takes over. But after some tears and some introspection I come out the other
side feeling OK again, if not stronger!
I need to add, in relation to relationships: Who
would want to look at me, a seventy two year old man who has seen a few? Yes I
am vibrant, yes I am well groomed and dress well, yes I am attractive, yes I am
experienced and interesting ... but I am no longer (if I am to be honest with
myself) fuel for sexual conquest.
When younger, every man passed was a potential sexual partner.
Every waiter or clerk was a potential adventure. Every glance, every brush of
knees in a movie theater or on the bus, was a possible sign that the other one
was interested. Most "signs" didn't pay off, but in those days, that
was one of the only ways of "Homosexual Communication." When most things were
still underground with very few places to go where you could be your "Gay
Young Self," except maybe one of the few then existing gay bars, this is
where the potential action was.
Also, I need to add, that I "came out" when I was 18. I
was young and was attracted to other young men my age. For me, and I believe
for lots of us, that youth culture still holds sway even though one grows
older.
So here I am, now 72 and by force of habit (and fantasy) I still
prefer younger men. In looking for a relationship, as an invisible 72-year-old at whom no one glances or is attracted to anymore; what are my chances for
finding a relationship?
With Gregory, we were young, with youthful bodies and desires.
Over 41 years we grew old together and our love grew stronger together (even
though the losses of the Dementia/ Alzheimer's) without having to depend of the
excitement and lust of youth.
Older men do not interest me and younger men do not notice me. For
those older men in their 50's, 60's and 70's, I say "No thank you."
For those younger men who would like a "daddy" (not necessarily a
sugar daddy with money,) I say "No thank you," that turns me off. For
those younger men who would charge me for their services, I say "No thank
you," that turns me off as well.
So as for finding a new lover,
“NO!” Besides the slim chances, Gregory is resting in peace ... so the 51%-49% issue is
resolved in favor of not being in a relationship. The 49% wins out.
I enjoy my solitude and privacy, I enjoy the condo to myself (in
or out of order.) I come and go as I please. I eat when and what I please. I
have no major day to day responsibilities to anyone but myself (and my kitties.)
I wake up when ready and go to sleep when ready and take a nap when I choose.
I buy what I want to buy and usually can afford to do so. I choose
where I want to travel, stay as long as I want, meet new acquaintances or old
ones on the way. I do not need a roommate for company or to share the expenses,
I am fortunate!
And finally, as a 72 year old man, (who might still like a sexual
trist or two :-) who would have me ... not that I would NOT want to be had!
Interesting piece. I enjoyed the read.
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