Monday, July 30, 2018

Placing Myself

I find that as I get older, I have been "placing myself."

Placing myself in time and in location. I am not sure why this is or what purpose it serves. It is not that I do not know what time it is or where I am, this is not the onset of Dementia, this is not me being confused.

This is something that might have to do with Gregory's being gone and my living alone.

It might have to do with my aura growing larger as I gain more wisdom and become enlightened? Although just saying I might be becoming more enlightened shows I am not!

It could be that as an outgoing, extroverted person I do not have enough people around enough of the time with whom to have conversations.

I find that as I am drifting off to sleep or drifting back awake, I will shout or talk out.

Apart from sleep time, during wake time I will address whom? Myself? Gregory? Someone imagined in the room or someone in my dream? Or just the air around me?

"How about that then!" I will say. Or "What do you think about that?" "How could that be?" "Well now!" "I guess that is that." "What next?" "Yum, that was delicious."

For most of my retired life, 24 years now, I always knew what day of the week it was and weekend days seemed more important than others and carried weekend events of their own. Now I find myself asking Siri, "Hey Siri, what day is today?" Often Wednesday or Thursday afternoon feels like Saturday or Sunday morning. I seem to check my computer's calendar more often.

On the location side, some 25 years later, I will still have work oppressive dreams where my classroom is being set up in September or dismantled in June. My students and/or parents will be rude, disrespectful, angry and demanding. The principal will be chastising, criticising, or evaluating me as "poor."

Other times I will be running workshops on Alzheimer's, life skills, Buddhism. Solving the problems of the world or stating in concise theory, complex ideas. I will be unraveling truths so fast that when I do wake I no longer remember them to guide my own life.

I will say out loud, "Wow, I am in my condo and I love it here." "I am blessed." "I am fortunate. I am grateful." or "OK, Show Time," when a movie or TV program begins."

I will shout in the garage going to or coming from my car just to hear myself, especially as it echoes and reverberates off the extensive concrete surrounding. "Hello Garage."

"Wow!" as I remember an event or idea. Or "OK" loudly as I complete an idea on my blog or in the preparation for an upcoming presentation.

Recently while visiting New York City, I found myself naming the city as I walked around 42nd street or on my way to a theater engagement: "New York City, here I am!"

My friend Roger talks about "Old Man Noises." These refer to the grunting, breathing, sighing and other noises older folks seem to make when sitting down, standing, lifting objects, climbing stairs, etc. He admonishes, "Avoid making Old Man Noises!"

Maybe I am just experiencing "Old Man Comments?" When asked about my talking to myself, I am told, "As long as you do NOT answer yourself." But I do! Now what?

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