Friday, January 26, 2018

Facing Adversity in Love

I wonder when a love relationship faces adversity in the beginning of its formation and the couple are able to work on the differences, if that in fact doesn't help to make the relationship stronger, more cohesive, more authentic, more true, less problematic.

Many relationships begin in a "pie eyed, head in the stars" manner. Excited feelings not to mention the lust and sexual actvities seem to rule beginning relationships. The emotional impact of love often covers the reality of two people beginning to know each other, to learn about each others likes and dislikes, good bad and ugly points.

Often when the difficulties in relating, in living together, in being oneself as well as part of a partnership finally come to light, it is too late to easily do anything about it or even to recognize the cause of the unhappiness.

The engagement is celebrated, the wedding is planned and then takes place, living arrangements are made, furniture and decoration of the apartment ensues, careers are pursued and/or or educational advancement sought, cars and houses are purchased, having children is discussed and planned, eventually a child (or children) join the relationship.

All the time these above activities have been distractions filling time and not allowing the two people in the original relationship to really enjoy themselves let alone to deal with their difficulties, inability to relate, sexual need differences, inability communicate, and more. This especially does not make for a happy family with children.

Perhaps therapy, individual or couple, takes place and perhaps some or all of the difficulties are successfully dealt with. But after so many years of "shoveling the shit into the attic" the ceiling begins to drip shit and one drip of shit cannot be distinguished from the other let alone the time frame of when it was first shoveled and/or where it was shoveled from and by whom! (Read that again to make sure you follow.)

So many marriages end in divorce, so many spend their years in sorrow, anger, avoidance, and often verbal and physical abuse and violence. '

Back to my original premise, perhaps identifying the adversity in the beginning will help to increase the chances of success of the new love relationship. Perhaps arguing and disagreeing upfront helps. Perhaps therapy from the get go will reveal the causes of the conflict and allow the couple to begin to work on solving or at least understanding their differences and  allowing their love to develop in a healthy, solid way.

Perhaps seeing a couple holding hands in wedded bliss is really looking at them through  a cloud whereas seeing them arguing, separating and then coming back together again, at odds with each other on and off, is a way of seeing a couple actively working their way towards a long lived, successful marriage.


  1. So wise, my dear. Perhaps being honest and upfront with problems in the beginning of a relationship lays the foundation, a solid groundwork, for the many unforeseen obstacles/ issues/ problems that lie ahead. Perhaps. Only time will tell, eh?! It is true that so many glide and slide over problems in the beginning. If two people refuse to glide and slide, it seems that bodes well. Here's to facing realities with love and working to make these realities collaborate! ---Jan


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